by Sherri Renee
I let out a heavy sigh. “Hey, yourself,” I said with a frown. Lucas’s smile fell.
“Is something wrong?” Lucas asked, searching my face as his brows lowered over his pretty eyes.
A locker banged closed nearby, and I looked over. People were talking and laughing around us. Throwing their books in their lockers, ready to escape school for another day and go out and enjoy life.
I thought about Lucas’s words from the restaurant, about how we should go there every day. What if Brianna was lying? Would Lucas want to take me back to The Greasy Spoon after school? It would be nice to do something besides go home to the green drink I knew Mom had waiting for me. It would be nice to spend more time alone with Lucas, period.
I cut my eyes back to Lucas. The worry on his face made me feel bad. I needed to confront him about what Brianna said. Just get it out there like ripping off a bandage rather than dragging it out. But what if he admitted I was just a fill-in? Was I okay with that? Or would I have to walk away from the one guy I could really like on principle?
“Maddie?” Lucas touched my cheek, and his eyes met mine. I noticed they were fading to gray. “You’re scaring me.” I opened my mouth to tell him about my confrontation with Brianna when he added, “How are you feeling?”
I snapped my lips together and let out a sigh, forgetting about Brianna for the moment. It was already starting. Everything would be about my disease, now, not me. How did I feel? Was I too hot? Too cold? Too tired? I got enough of that from Mom. I didn’t need or want it from the guy I liked.
“I’m fine,” I said shortly, turning to slam my locker closed. Lucas waited beside me but didn’t say anything. When I glanced over at him, I noticed he wore a thoughtful expression.
“Did I do something wrong?” he asked. I appreciated his straightforwardness, but it wasn’t a conversation I wanted to get into in the middle of the hallway with curious ears all around.
“Can we not talk about my health?” I whispered from the corner of my mouth. “I just— There are much more interesting things we could talk about.” For once, I wasn’t trying to sound bitchy, but I knew I still did.
Concerns that I was just a stand-in until he and Brianna made up was bad enough, but I couldn’t deal with constant health questions. If that’s where things were going with Lucas, I’d just as soon find out now.
Lucas surprised me with a chuckle. “Okay, then ask me how I feel.” I stopped stuffing books into my bag and turned to face him.
“What?” I narrowed my eyes in question.
“Me.” Lucas’s eyes were fully green now. The smokey gray from a minute ago washed away. His lips twitched, and it looked like he was about to burst out laughing. “Ask me how I’m doing,” he said.
“Okay,” I hesitated, frowning at him. “How are you doing?”
“Not bad,” he said, glancing down at his foot. “I rolled my ankle in the game Thursday, going for a layup. It’s been killing me for the past couple of days, but it’s better today. Thanks for asking.”
I simply stared at him.
“It’s a question, Maddie. People ask each other every day. You were sick for almost a week, and now you’re being really quiet. It would have been rude if I didn’t ask how you were feeling.”
My cheeks heated as he gently put me in my place. He was right. I was a terrible person. I was always so worried about myself, I sometimes forgot the world didn’t revolve around me.
“Sorry,” I said, feeling about an inch tall. “I’m a little sensitive to. . . that question. I hear it all the time. Several times a day, usually. It’s nice to be able to escape it at school.”
I adjusted my book bag and fell into step beside Lucas as he started walking toward his locker. “I get it,” he said, sounding thoughtful. “And I’ll try not to be annoying, but if I do ask, there’ll be a reason for it.”
I kept my eyes on my shoes for the most part, but I could tell we were drawing a lot of stares. That was to be expected, I guessed. For a minute, I wished the things people were probably saying could be true. That Lucas and I were a couple.
Lucas was so easy to be around. He made conversation as if we were old friends. There was no awkwardness or uncomfortable silence. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask him about Brianna, but did it really matter?
What if they were going to get back together? I’d already decided Lucas and I couldn’t be more than friends unless I got my miracle cure. Did I want to give up that friendship because he and his ex might be planning to get back together someday?
Lucas opened his locker and shot me a smile. “Am I still going to get affirmations every day?” he asked.
My stomach tossed with confusion as I studied him. Did I have to make a final decision about our relationship right that second? Could I take it a day at a time with Lucas and just enjoy whatever time we had together? A slight smile tugged my lips as I decided that maybe I could.
“Do you want them?” I asked, pleased that he seemed to like my affirmations.
“Yeah, I want them.” He nodded. “You know we did win our games last week. I’m pretty sure I owe my part in that to you and these notes.”
He leveled a serious look on me, and I laughed. “Oh, is that right?”
“Yep.” He added a wink before he grabbed a couple of books and stepped back, waving his hand toward the yellow sheet of paper.
I dug a pink pen out of my purse and wrinkled my brow as I eyed Lucas’s affirmation page. I wanted to add something perfect, but with everything tossing and turning in my mind, I was coming up blank.
“I get one now?” Lucas asked. He sounded so excited I couldn’t fight back a grin.
Come on, brain. Give me something. “Yes!” Setting my book bag on the floor, I cupped my hand around the paper so Lucas couldn’t see and started writing. Lucas leaned against the locker beside his as I wrote. I reread my words and glanced back, feeling rather proud of my genius.
“Do I get to read it?” Lucas tried to peek around me. I kept my hand over the words.
“I haven’t decided yet,” I teased, feeling lighthearted and flirty.
“Not cool.” Lucas reached around me, grabbing my hand and gently trying to nudge it aside so he could see the new words I’d added to his page.
“Nope.” I shook my head, pressing both hands over the note. “I don’t think I’m showing you yet.”
Lucas moved in until his body pressed against my back. Tingles ran through me at the unexpected contact. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been this close to a guy. Before my diagnosis, for sure. But even then, it had never been a guy like Lucas.
“You have to show me now,” Lucas said, “It’s not nice to tease.” His free hand came around my side, and his fingers dug in just below my ribs. His touch was firm enough to tickle, but gentle enough that it didn’t hurt at all.
“Let me see,” he said next to my ear. Goosebumps sprang up all over while his fingers ran up and down my side.
I laughed. “I don’t know if you deserve it now,” I joked, enjoying the banter and teasing. The contact that I’d missed out on for so long.
“You’re saying I’m not worthy of your words now?” Lucas pretended to pout but didn’t let up on the tickling. I squirmed against him.
“You’re tickling me!”
“Show me, and I’ll stop.” I turned my head and found his face next to mine. His fingers stopped moving on my side, but he kept his hand there. Warm and firm. His smile dropped, and I couldn’t look away. The moment was perfect. If either of us moved in the slightest, our lips would touch.
And that was something that couldn’t happen. Especially not with my immunity as low as it was since I’d just been sick.
Panic raced through me. I dropped my hand from the paper and twisted out of his arms, stepping back a couple of steps to put space between us. My stomach fluttered, and my lips tingled. My entire body telling me to go back and finish what our flirting had started.
And if I got sick?
; Lucas was watching me closely, but I avoided his gaze. “Go ahead.” I waved a hand at the newest words on his locker door. “Read it.”
Lucas kept his eyes on me for a minute, probably wondering if I was going to run away like I had at The Greasy Spoon, but he finally turned his attention to the paper. I tried to act cool, running my fingers through my hair, then tugging down the hem of my shirt. Inside, I was a nervous wreck.
One week. One week Lucas and I had been friends, and we’d already come an inch from kissing. We were supposed to just be friends. What had happened to that? And what about Brianna?
I noticed Riley standing across the hall pointing her phone our way. Was she recording us? I shooed her away with my hand. She laughed at me but moved down the hall. I only had a second to worry about what Riley might do with that video when Lucas pulled his focus from the words I’d written to glance at me.
“You never know when you’re the wind in someone else’s sail, so never give up,” Lucas read the words out loud, his voice low and husky. I bit my lip. I’d meant the words about me, and the way Lucas’s gaze darted to me, he understood.
The words cut me open and exposed the way I felt about Lucas. It was scary to let him know how much he meant to me, but it was true. As corny as it sounded, almost overnight, Lucas had wiggled his way into my life. He’d become the wind in my sail, lifting me higher than I could go alone.
But how far would he take me? Or I him? If things kept moving the direction they were, one of us was going to get hurt.
Chapter 20
“What is up with you and Lucas?” Ginger caught up with me in the parking lot.
Lucas had gone to the locker room with promises that he’d call me later while I’d basically floated out to my car. My head was so far in the clouds, swirling with thoughts of Lucas and our near kiss I hadn’t even heard Ginger come up beside me.
I was beat—both emotionally and physically. Being sick the past few days had taken a lot out of me, and then the stress from Brianna’s little talk had drained me.
All I wanted to do was go home and nap until Lucas called. But I missed Ginger. And, okay, fine, I wouldn’t pass up a chance to talk about Lucas.
I lowered my book bag to the ground and slumped against my car, letting it support me. “Hello, to you, too?” I teased. Ginger rolled her eyes but smiled as she shifted her girly book bag up on her shoulder. The frilly pink bag was such a contrast to Ginger’s no-nonsense personality that it always made me smile to see her carrying it.
“Hello, Maddie. How are you today? What the heck is going on with you and Lucas? Brianna’s about to spit fire or lay an egg or something.”
“Really?” A wide smile crossed my face. The thought of Brianna being mad made me way too happy.
“Really! Rumors are flying that you and Lucas are dating. But then others say you’re tutoring him because you haven’t been spotted in any forms of PDA. Plus, Brianna keeps telling everyone that they’re just on a break.”
I drew my lower lip between my teeth, remembering our near kiss at his locker. There hadn’t been any serious PDA, but I couldn’t deny the chemistry that sizzled between us.
“I’m your best friend,” Ginger whined, drawing my attention back to her. “And even I have no idea what’s going on with you guys. This morning you were all ‘he and Brianna are getting back together.’ Now, the entire school is blowing up with gossip about you two. I need deets. Tell me everything.”
“It’s complicated,” I said. At Ginger’s disgusted look, I burst out laughing. “It really is complicated.” I stuck my hands in my pockets to keep them from twisting nervously as they wanted to.
I glanced up. “Lucas knows about me.”
Ginger’s eyes bulged. “He what?”
I had a feeling that would be a long conversation, and I didn’t need to waste all my energy standing in the heat. I shrugged and unlocked the car, climbing into the driver’s seat. “Get in.” I nodded to the passenger door.
I started the car and turned the A/C on high, hoping it would cool down soon. I wore capris and a sleeveless top, but I was still melting as spring raced toward summer.
Ginger tossed her bag on the backseat and crawled into the front, fanning her face as she closed the door. “They should let us wear shorts to school. It’s just too hot for anything else.”
“That skirt covers less than a pair of shorts would,” I poked her in the thigh just below her almost microscopic jean skirt.
“That’s what you think.” She waggled her eyebrows up and down. “You haven’t seen the new booty shorts I just bought. Max loves them.”
I laughed at her outrageousness. “I’ll bet he loves trying to get you out of them.”
“Oh, yeah, he does. But they’re way too tight for that.”
“Modern-day chastity belt, huh?”
“Maybe.” She shrugged. The playfulness dropped from her voice as she glanced away.
“Are you still having doubts about Max?” There was a wave of sadness rolling off Ginger that was almost tangible. I’d been so focused on myself, I hadn’t even asked about her relationship recently. I was a crappy friend and needed to do better. Ginger was awesome and only deserved the best whether it was in friends or boyfriends.
“Tell me everything,” I encouraged her, resigning myself to sitting in the stuffy car all night if that’s how long it took Ginger to unload. “If you hate Max, I hate Max,” I added with a half-grin.
Ginger let out a choked laugh and shook her head. “I don’t hate him. Things are good with us. Mostly,” she hastened to reassure me. “It’s just, we’ve only been dating three weeks, and he already wants to take things to the next level.”
“Sex?” I didn’t know why I was surprised. Wasn’t that what all guys wanted? I felt the color melt from my cheeks. Was that what Lucas would want if we started dating? Because that was something I couldn’t give him. Not now. I couldn’t even kiss him unless I got healthier.
Ginger shrugged, and I yanked my thoughts from Lucas. “I like him a lot,” she said, “but isn’t three weeks too soon?”
I nodded hard. “It is if you think it is. If Max is the right guy for you, you have to talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he’s not willing to wait until you’re ready, you need to move on.”
Would Lucas wait for me if we ever had that talk? What if I could never offer him more than a junior high relationship of holding hands? Maybe a kiss on the cheek? I doubted Brianna would make him wait. And that thought curdled in my stomach like sour milk.
“I know.” Ginger frowned out the window, totally oblivious to my inner turmoil. “I don’t want to lose him, though,” she said.
And I didn’t want to lose Lucas, but if Max and Lucas were the right guys for us, they’d wait. Wouldn’t they?
I shook off my own doubts and shoved Ginger. “Girl,” I said as she swayed into the door. “We are young and have a lifetime to find the perfect guy. There’s no need to rush something so important.”
My chest heaved, and I felt pretty righteous in my little pep-talk until I realized Ginger wouldn’t look at me. And then what I said hit me. It wasn’t that I ever completely forgot I was dying. Sometimes—way too often—I spoke without considering my words.
I swallowed as the familiar sense of dread and panic grew in my stomach. I blew out a slow breath and forced myself to chill. “We do all have a lifetime to find the perfect guy,” I said. “Some of those lifetimes will just be shorter than others.”
Ginger turned to me then, with tears shining in her eyes. “How can you be so flippant about death? Just thinking about you being gone kills me.” She pressed a hand to her chest. “I want you to have forever to find the right guy, too. It’s just not fair. Why’d you have to get this disease?”
Her words shredded my heart, leaving it flapping in tatters. She was good at keeping her feelings locked away because she knew that’s what I wanted. But I realized I hadn’t been fair by making her do that. I leaned across the console and
wrapped my arms around her shoulders.
“I don’t know,” I told her truthfully. “I don’t have any answers. I just try to put one foot in front of the other and see where it leads.”
“But, you’re trying to get better, right?” She pulled back, her dark eyes wide and full of worry. “You’re taking medicine and eating healthy. That has to be doing something good.”
It was hard to tell if it was doing anything good or not. I guessed the fact that I was still able to go to school almost every day meant something.
“I think everything’s helping, but there’s no known cure, so I don’t want to get my hopes up, you know? It would be harder to go around believing I’m going to get another five, heck, another seventy-five years, and then find out I’m down to my last days. If I don’t expect anything, then I won’t be as devastated if I don’t get it. Neither of us will,” I added firmly.
Ginger wiped her eyes with her hands. “I know.” She sighed. “It just sucks.” That was the same thing Lucas had said, and I fully agreed. It seemed to be the general consensus.
I sat back, adjusting the vent so cold air would blow on my face. “Tell me what happened with Brianna,” I said as much to get our minds off my impending death as out of absolute curiosity.
Ginger’s expression softened, and her lips quirked. “It was so funny,” she said. She rubbed her eyes, but I was glad to see her smile. “I was in the locker room after PE, and Brianna was throwing a hissy.” Ginger let out a laugh. “She’s going on and on about the nerve of Lucas not calling her at all weekend.”
I remembered the multiple texts Lucas had sent me and felt something warm and tingly inside. Something I shouldn’t be feeling for a friend.
“So,” Ginger prodded. “Tell me what I missed. Why isn’t Lucas calling Brianna? And why does that girl have it out for you? And why are your cheeks redder than my booty shorts?”
Chapter 21
Ginger piled so many questions on me I wasn’t sure where to start, so I ended up starting with the biggest thing. I told Ginger about Lucas coming over and finding out I was sick.