by Sherri Renee
Ginger’s eyes widened. “He knows you’re sick, sick?”
I nodded, scrunching up my nose. “I didn’t plan to tell him. He just happened to be there while I was gasping for what could have been my last breath.” Ginger frowned at me. “Sorry,” I said. Talking about my death bothered her. I needed to be more considerate.
“I could have lied to him,” I admitted, and I wondered again why I hadn’t. “The truth came out before I realized I was going to tell him.”
Ginger looked worried. “You don’t think he’ll tell anyone? I mean,” she quickly added, “you know I think you should tell the world. Can’t you imagine the special treatment you’d get? Teachers would probably give you straight As and let you skip tests. Strangers would hold doors for you and bring you flowers.” Her eyes glazed as her imagination carried her away.
“People would pretend to be my friend for the status boost of being such a good person,” I added to the negative side of the list, holding up a finger for each point. “People would ask me how I felt every time I turned around. Others would run and hide when they saw me because they didn’t want to catch what I had. You know it would not be the bowl of cherries you’re imagining.”
“Maybe not,” Ginger admitted. “But back to the important stuff. Are you and Lucas dating?”
“No!” The word shot out so fast Ginger jerked back in surprise. Then she laughed.
“Not dating.” She tapped a finger to her lip, narrowing her eyes. “But something. Am I right?”
How had the conversation gotten to this point? I took a deep breath, and in some part of my mind, I noticed that my chest didn’t feel tight when I did. That was definitely a plus. I’d have to remember to mention it to Mom.
She kept notes about that kind of stuff to help monitor what seemed to help me, and what made me feel worse. Maybe the amino acid drink was working some sort of magic. I knew better than to get my hopes up, though. I alternated between good and bad days all the time.
Ginger stared at me, waiting for my reply.
“You know I like him,” I focused on a group of kids laughing on the other side of the parking lot. “And I think he likes me, but you know my rule. I’m not letting new people into my life until, well, unless things change for me.” I only felt a little bad lying to Ginger. I might not have planned to, but I’d definitely let Lucas into my life already. I just wasn’t sure what position he would take there.
A girl I recognized as a sophomore in the group I was watching jumped onto Chris Gills’ back, laughing as she clung to him, her cheek pressed against his. Chris was in my class and a big-time flirt. It looked like he’d just met his next conquest.
I wondered what it would be like not to have to figure in the odds of outliving your next relationship when it came to friendships and dating. I couldn’t even remember a time when life had been that simple.
“You’ve already let him in.” Ginger’s words interrupted my contemplations. She gave me a sly smile when I sent her a surprised look. “He’s sat with us at lunch, and you didn’t try to run him off. And you two are flirting in the halls enough to get the rumor mill going. Plus, you wouldn’t blush every time I said his name if there wasn’t something going on.”
I let out a quiet laugh. I should have known I couldn’t hide something that big from Ginger. I had let Lucas into my life, but that didn’t have to mean anything. I could still keep him at arm's length.
“Don’t keep him at arm's length,” Ginger said, either reading my mind, or more likely, knowing my fallback routine. I kept everyone at arm's length. It was my rule, dang it.
“You know I won’t date anyone.”
Ginger had heard those words from me so often that she didn’t even blink. “I know,” she said with a solemn expression that just barely hid the disproval I knew she felt about my decision. “I still think it’s great you’ve added another friend to your group. You need friends, Maddie. You’re young. You’re alive and reasonably healthy, all things considered. Live while you can.”
Her words were as rote as mine. I knew she believed I should live as if I weren’t dying, but how could I? How could I go into a relationship with anyone, knowing the pain I would bring them when I died?
Tapping my fingers on the steering wheel, I watched as Chris and his sophomore went from flirting to full-on making out against his truck. That was another reason I couldn’t date. Kissing—much less anything more—was completely off-limits as long as I took the pills that kept my immunity low.
Dr. Reynolds worked hard to regulate my dosage so it would be strong enough to keep my body from attacking itself, but weak enough that I’d still be able to fight off minor illnesses. He’d made it clear that exchanging bodily fluids was too great a risk for me to take right now.
And that had to have been the most awkward conversation ever.
“Do you think Lucas would be happy with just friendship? You know I can’t give him more right now.” Ginger and I had rolled on the floor laughing as I’d recounted “the dangers of exchanging bodily fluids” talk the doc and I had, so she knew what I was getting at with the more part.
“Have you asked him?” Ginger asked softly.
“No!” I fisted my hands on my lap. “We’d never even talked before the basketball game the other night. Don’t you think outlining our relationship after less than two weeks would be considered rushing things? And what about Brianna? They’ve dated off and on forever. Do you think they will get back together?” I didn’t want to rehash Brianna’s little conversation from earlier, but it still haunted me.
“You know what I think about Brianna,” Ginger said. When I didn’t reply, her head snapped up. “She didn’t do anything else, did she? Like torch your calculus notes? Or superglue your locker shut, or. . .”
I arched my brow. “You’ve been giving this a lot of thought.”
Ginger laughed. “I’ve just been trying to come up with a perfect revenge for her burning your project.”
“I think we’re past that,” I said, hoping it was true. “She didn’t physically destroy anything this morning. She said she wanted to do me a favor and let me in on the fact that Lucas is using me to kill time until they get back together.”
I let out a short laugh as if the words weren’t chewing on my insides. “Do you think that’s all I am to Lucas? Someone to fill the time?”
Ginger considered that. “I don’t know,” she finally said. Ginger glanced at me, then lowered her eyes before looking away.
She was keeping something from me, but I had no idea what. “Did Lucas say something to you?”
Ginger shook her head. “No, it’s not that.”
“What, then?”
Ginger twisted in her seat to face me. “Brianna won’t give Lucas up without a fight.”
My heart fell. I knew she was right, but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “She doesn’t even want him,” I halfway whined. “She’s the one who broke up with him.”
“That may be true, but it doesn’t mean she wants anyone else to have him. If Lucas gets mixed signals from you, or even worse, no signals, what will keep him from going back to Brianna where at least the rules are clear?”
I didn’t even have to think about that. “Um, maybe because she’s a mean skank.” I might have had some jealousy issues to deal with.
Ginger snorted, her eyes growing bright. “You know that, and I know that, but the question is, does Lucas know that?”
“Of course not. To a guy, she’s big boobs and a pretty face.”
Ginger cracked up this time, and I joined her.
“Harsh, much?” Ginger chuckled. She glanced at her phone and sighed. “I need to get going. I’m meeting Max at Luigi’s for a snack. Guess we’ll see how far he tries to take things after. Hey!” She turned to me, her eyes widening. “You should come. Lucas will probably be there.”
I wanted to go. I really did, but I was tired and sore, and I knew I needed to rest up if I wanted to make it to school the rest of the wee
k.
“Maybe tomorrow?” I said.
Ginger gave me a sad smile. “You always say that.”
I shrugged. It was my typical response. Ginger opened her door and grabbed her bag from the back. Bending, she poked her head back in. “You know, one day you’re going to run out of tomorrows. We all are.”
Chapter 22
I thought about Ginger’s words on the drive home. Well, it wasn’t so much that I thought about them. It was more that they haunted me like an evil ghost. They were literally just as scary.
I knew she wasn’t trying to be mean. What she’d said was true. I’d put my life on hold until I got better. But what if that day never came?
I pulled off the road into a grocery store parking lot and drummed my fingers on the steering wheel. I had one goal in my life—one stinking goal of finishing high school. And I’d only made it because I felt confident it was something I could actually accomplish.
I thought of some of my “before” dreams—the things I’d always planned to do before I got the diagnosis. I’d planned to go to college, for one thing. Finance had always interested me. I had a half-vision of myself dressed in a professional outfit, holding a phone to my ear with one hand and punching numbers on a calculator with the other.
And as I’d told Lucas, learning to surf was on the list. Kind of an off-the-wall dream, considering I’d never even been to an ocean, but surfing looked so cool. So peaceful and yet thrilling.
I’d also had smaller goals that I’d put on the back burner. Like teaching the boys how to ride bikes and play baseball. Learning to cook from my mom.
I watched traffic zooming by, but I didn’t see it. What was the point of whatever time I had left if I wasn’t living every day to its fullest?
Sure, I was tired and sore, but I could still hang out with friends. Maybe eat a bite of pizza. I knew it would make Ginger happy if I showed up at Luigi’s. And since I had my car, if I got too tired, I could leave anytime I needed to. And Lucas would probably be there.
My heart pounded, and I squeezed the steering wheel much harder than necessary as I eased out into traffic. If I went into Luigi’s today, I’d be taking a real step toward living. I had to make a choice. I could head to the safety of home. Or I could brave that pesky little thing called life that most kids dealt with on a daily basis.
My nerves hummed, and I gripped the steering wheel even tighter as I weighed option after option. No future was set in stone. I could get better. Some people did. And even if I didn’t, maybe Ginger was right, and it was time to stop squandering whatever time I had left.
As if on autopilot, I ended up at Luigi’s. I slipped into a parking spot beside Ginger’s powder-blue Prius and turned off the ignition. My breaths came out too fast and shallow as I scouted the parking lot for Lucas’s truck. As soon as I saw it, my heart gave a hard thump. I couldn’t decide if it was a thump of happiness or fear.
Fear. Definitely fear.
Was I taking a step toward living again, as Ginger had put it? Was I willing to do that while I was still dying? I’d decided that, of course, I would jump back into life once I beat this disease. But what if I didn’t beat it? Weren’t the risks of hurting people I’d come to care about too great? Or was the risk of dying without having lived the scary part?
It took more courage than I wanted to admit, but I got out of the safety of my car and headed for the door. I felt chilled and pale and more nervous than I’d been in a long time. Even more nervous than I’d been the night Lucas and I went out to eat.
Maybe because that night I had still been hiding behind death, and now, without death as a shield, I felt naked and exposed to the world.
As soon as I opened the door, music from the old-fashioned jukebox in the corner and rowdy joking and laughter hit my ears about the same time the mouth-water scent of spicy Italian food hit my nose. My stomach grumbled, and I might have drooled a little. I really missed pizza. I wiped my lips just in case and let my gaze sweep over the tables mostly filled with my classmates, searching for the one face I wanted to see.
And there he was. His back was to me, but I easily recognized Lucas at the center of a long table packed with kids. He turned to say something. I caught a glimpse of his profile, and I was back to drooling, but for a whole different reason. He was just impossibly good looking. My lips curved in a smile, and the weight of panic lifted. Just the sight of Lucas made me happy.
It made me feel alive—something I’d been missing out on for a very long time. I was glad I’d come. It was nice to do a normal teen thing for a day. Plus, I’d get to spend more time with Lucas.
Ginger sat in a back booth with Max and two other guys I recognized from the basketball team. Ginger spotted me, and her entire face brightened with surprise. She scooted closer to Max to make room for me and waved me over.
“One sec,” I mouthed, holding up a finger. I’d go tell Lucas hi and then play things by ear. Maybe he’d invite me to sit with him. Or maybe he’d come sit with Ginger and me.
I squared my shoulders and drew in a quick breath. We’d figure out seating arrangements. The first step was to let him know I was there. I took a step toward him and noticed a hand land on his shoulder and slide to his neck.
I stopped and tipped my head, frowning as fingers moved through his hair. I followed that hand to its owner as dread and a sharp sense of premonition filled me. Sure enough. Brianna was on Lucas’s left, playing with his hair like she owned it.
I pressed a hand to my stomach, and my thoughts froze. Forcing my eyes from the happy couple, I spun toward Ginger, hurrying to her table. My brain was fried. I couldn’t think straight. I wanted to get out of there. Being home alone was infinitely better than watching Brianna paw at Lucas.
I was halfway to Ginger’s booth when I realized I was heading the wrong direction. I couldn’t hang with Ginger and Max, knowing Lucas and Brianna were all over each other just a couple of tables away.
Ginger waved me over, and even in my messed up state of mind, I noticed she used her other hand to keep Max’s fingers from slipping from her shoulder to her breast. I liked Max, but I had a feeling he didn’t like Ginger as much as she liked him. If he did, he wouldn’t be trying to grope her in front of his friends.
And the thought of groping fingers took me right back to Brianna’s fingers all over Lucas’s hair. They’d had an on-again-off-again relationship for as long as I could remember. And from the way Brianna played with Lucas’s hair, it looked like they were on again. Brianna had been telling the truth this morning when she’d said Lucas was just using me until they got back together. And boy, did that hurt.
Shaking my head at Ginger, I turned back toward the door. Coming here was a mistake. While part of me wanted to go to Lucas’s table and slap Brianna’s hand right off his neck, I knew I had no right. Lucas had tickled me by his locker and sat with me at lunch once. So what? That didn’t exactly mean I had a claim on him.
I refused to let myself look at Lucas as I made my way to the door. I was going home, crawling in bed, and yelling at Ginger when she called—which I knew would be soon—for giving me the terrible advice to live while I could.
Why on earth had I listened to her? Living sucked.
I got in the car and turned toward home. I wouldn’t say I was happy with my lifestyle of waiting to die. But it was comfortable. It was safe. There was no stress of the does he like me? game.
And there was no pain from a broken heart.
My heart gave a twinge just then. I rubbed my chest, unsure if my heart was just letting me know it was metaphorically broken, or if it was a vein issue.
Another exceptionally hard twinge had me turning the car from the path that would take me home and veering instead toward the hospital. I’d been there enough in the past year that I knew the way by memory.
I took a slow breath and tried to remain calm. Panic would only cause my heart to pound harder. If I was having a vein issue, the last thing I wanted to do was force a weak spot to exp
lode.
I called Mom and asked her as calmly as I could to meet me at the hospital. Her voice dropped into a flat, emotionless tone that probably matched my own as she told me she would be right there.
I should have gone straight home after school. I was worn out and still recovering from being sick. And then I added the stress of going to the restaurant and seeing Lucas with Brianna. I’d pushed myself too hard.
I swallowed and raised my chin. Was this going to be what took me out? Jealousy?
I needed to stay calm, but I was mad at myself. And disappointed. I knew better than to let people into my life, and yet I’d done it anyway, and this was where it had gotten me.
Chapter 23
Lying on the hospital bed, I did my best to focus on peaceful, happy thoughts. I pictured my calm spot. The sandy beach with the sun streaming down from between palm leaves and waves crashing on the shore. If I could do one thing from my list before I died, I would at least go see an ocean.
I closed my eyes. The sounds of rushing waves overtook the beeps of machines and faint voices coming from the hall. A round ball of molten gold lowered itself below the most beautiful shade of blue. Fairy lights flickered across the waves as sunlight caught the water just right.
Someday I’d see the ocean for myself. I had to. I only hoped it wouldn’t be a letdown after I’d imagined it for so long.
Feeling slightly calmer, I scrolled through my texts, then dropped my phone on the bed. My only texts were from Ginger asking how I was. I’d let her know I was at the hospital, and I knew she was worried, but I didn’t have any news to give her.
Mom hadn’t made it to the hospital yet. Amy was out of town, so Mom was waiting for Dad to get the boys. And it was fine. I was so used to hospitals and doctors that it wasn’t too scary being there on my own.
Once I’d realized I wasn’t down to my last few minutes, I’d told Mom not to rush. I knew it was hard for her not to be with me at a time like this. But it was hard for her to have to ditch the boys for me all the time, too.