by Sherri Renee
“Go home, Dad.” His eyes jerked to mine, and I offered him a tired smile. “I’m exhausted. I’ll probably fall asleep soon. You should go home to Mom. She needs you.”
He hesitated, rubbing his brow. “I don’t mind staying.”
“It’s okay, really. Someone will call you if—” My throat locked up, and tears sprang to Dad’s eyes. “If there’s a change,” I hurried to add. “Someone will call you if anything changes.”
Dad stood and bent to drop a kiss on my forehead. “I love you, princess. You’ll be back home before you know it.”
I didn’t really believe him, so just said. “I love you too, Dad. Give the boys kisses for me.”
After Dad left, all I could think about was Lucas. I hoped he’d gone home and that he wasn’t too worried about me. Of course, he was worried. He had even less information than I did.
I needed my phone back so I could reassure him. My heart had calmed down and my panic was subsiding. I knew something was wrong, but I was more sure by the hour that I would at least survive another day.
And then it hit me. Graduation was one week away. I might survive another day, but would I make it an entire week? I suddenly realized that I might not make my original goal of graduating after all. Getting so close and then not making it was super depressing.
Now that my heart had stopped twitching, I felt better, pretty much back to normal. I wanted to believe that I had overreacted to something super minor, and that graduation was still a possibility. But the long faces on every doctor and nurse that came into my room kept me from getting too excited.
Finally, a familiar face made an entrance. “Dr. Reynolds!” I was so happy to see him. Maybe I’d get some answers. I raised the top of my bed again so I was sitting up. Dr. Reynolds walked in, wearing a solemn expression.
“What is it, Doc? I can’t take the suspense much longer.” I kept my tone light, but I wasn’t joking. The suspense was worse than any bad news could ever be.
“Sorry to keep you waiting, Madison. I wanted to get all the results back before I talked to you.” That didn’t sound good.
“And?” I said.
“Maddie, I’m just going to say it. You have a blood clot near your heart.”
I blinked at him and pursed my lips. “Well, that doesn’t sound good.”
“It’s not.” Noticing my fallen expression, Dr. Reynolds added, “But it’s not terrible. It can be fixed.”
“Fixed how?” I asked with a feeling of growing dread. I had a feeling that pills and juice weren’t going to dissolve a blood clot. At least not quickly enough to help.
Dr. Reynolds pushed his glasses up on his nose, his expression bleak. “If the clot wasn’t so close to your heart, we’d try to dissolve it with medication. As it is, we can’t take a chance of it dislodging from the vein and traveling to your heart.”
I nodded. That made sense, but I was scared to think how they would go about getting the clot out. “Are you talking about open-heart surgery?” I asked, feeling small and young as I drew my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them.
“There’s a relatively new procedure that we’ll use that’s much safer and less intrusive. A small tube will be inserted in either your neck or groin, and we’ll direct it to the clot. At that point, we simply vacuum the clot out, and you’ll be as good as new.”
I swallowed. That didn’t sound terrible. “What caused the clot?” I asked. “Did the vasculitis come back?” I knew one of the symptoms of vasculitis could be blood clots.
“No.” Dr. Reynolds smiled for the first time since I’d seen him that day. “That’s one positive. Your markers are still down. It’s possible that is what caused the clot, and it’s just showing up now, but you’re still clear on the autoimmune front.”
I couldn’t decide if I felt relieved or not. On the one hand, the autoimmune diseases were still holding off. On the other, I had a blood clot next to my heart. I wasn’t exactly out of the woods.
“When will you do the surgery?” I asked. “My graduation is next week, can we hold off until after?”
Dr. Reynolds’ smile was kind, but his tone brooked no argument. “I’m sorry, Maddie, but this procedure can’t wait. Any little thing could dislodge that clot, and if it ends up in your heart, you could be looking at open heart surgery. It’s critical that we take care of this immediately so you can go and enjoy a long, happy life.”
My stomach fell at the thought of not graduating with my class, but I nodded. Surviving was more important than walking across a stage and getting a diploma.
“The surgery is scheduled for eight tomorrow morning. It shouldn’t take more than an hour or two. Get some rest now. Tomorrow will be a long day.”
I put on my brave face and nodded again, because what choice did I have? “Thanks, Dr. Reynolds.”
“This is just a minor bump in the road, Maddie. You will be fine.” I felt a little reassured by his confidence, but the thought of surgery was still scary.
“Can I have visitors tonight?”
“Only family until after you’re out of recovery.”
“Can I at least have my phone back?”
Dr. Reynolds smiled. “I’ll see that it’s returned to you immediately. But follow my advice and don’t stay up late. The better rested you are, the faster you’ll recover.”
I dialed Lucas’s number before Dr. Reynolds was even out the door.
“Maddie?” As soon as Lucas’s voice came through the phone, I relaxed. “What’s going on?” he quickly asked. “How are you?”
“My favorite question,” I teased, smiling as I pressed the phone close to my ear.
“Seriously, Maddie. I’ve been worried sick.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” I took a deep breath. “The good news is, I’m still in remission.”
“And the bad news?” Lucas asked quietly.
I bunched my lips to the side. “The bad news is there’s a blood clot near my heart, and I’m having surgery in the morning to remove it.”
Lucas didn’t say anything.
“Are you still there?” I asked.
“Yeah.” Lucas let out a slow breath. “Can I come see you?”
“Not tonight,” I told him regretfully. “You can come after the surgery tomorrow, though, if you want,” I added, knowing the hospital made him uncomfortable.
“Of course, I want to,” Lucas said so quickly it made me smile. “How are you feeling? Does your chest still hurt?”
I shrugged my shoulders and wiggled around on the bed a little. “I feel pretty good. I guess I’m lucky my chest hurt earlier. Dr. Reynolds said if the blood clot broke off and traveled to my heart, I’d probably have to have open-heart surgery. This way, I had a warning so they can take care of it before things get that far.”
“That’s huge.”
I bit my lip. “Lucas,” I said softly. “If something happens tomorrow, I need to know you’ll be okay. We need to look at our time together, however short it was as a gift, and move on when it’s over.”
“You’re scaring me. Is there something you’re not telling me. I’m coming up there right now.”
“Lucas, stop. I’m not keeping anything from you. Dr. Reynolds all but guaranteed me that this will be an easy surgery, and I’ll be just fine. I. . . It’s. . .” I didn’t want to say the next words, but I had to. “Any surgery has risks. If I don’t wake up, I need you to know that I loved you with all my heart. And I need that thought to make you happy. Not sad.” I bit my lip. “Can you do that for me?”
Lucas was quiet again. “I can do that,” he finally said. “I can do anything for you.”
I smiled as a tear ran down my cheek. “I should probably go. I’m supposed to be resting.”
“I love you, Maddie,” Lucas said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” I heard the promise in his voice and choked back a sob.
“I love you, too. Bye, Lucas.” I hung up and let the tears fall. That was what I’d been avoiding when I’d pushed everyone away. I knew
Lucas would be worried sick about me. And if I didn’t survive, well, I just had to believe he’d keep his promise and let the memories of me make him happy, not sad.
I called Ginger next and then talked to Mom and Dad and the boys. I told them not to come to the hospital until the morning because I just planned to sleep. My parents assured me they’d both see me before the surgery. Amy from next door had offered to watch the boys as long as they needed. She was a saint.
I tapped out a few goodbye notes on my phone and made sure my phone was unlocked so someone would find them if I didn’t wake up after the surgery. Finding the words was hard. Saying goodbye to my loved ones felt like I was giving up, resigning myself to death, and I wasn’t.
I couldn’t hide from reality though. No matter how much I didn’t like the thought, not everyone woke up from surgery. I fell asleep with my phone in my hand and dreamt about ocean breezes and beautiful sunsets over the water.
Chapter 35
A loud, steady beep broke through my dreams. I opened my eyes and squinted. Everything was blurred, and there was so much white. Was I in Heaven? The burning pain in my upper thigh made me hope not. If this was Heaven, it was a huge disappointment from what I’d expected.
“She’s awake.” I heard Mom’s voice and turned my head, blinking until her smiling face came into focus. Everything came back to me. The blood clot. The surgery.
“I’m alive?” The words came out garbled, and my throat burned from the effort, but Mom understood me.
“You’ve very much alive.” Mom let out a broken laugh filled with relief. “The surgery was a complete success. You’ll be able to go home in a couple of days, and if you feel up to it, you might even be able to go to your graduation.”
She squeezed my hand, and I let my gaze slide toward Dad. “Hi,” I said. My throat felt like I’d swallowed razor blades.
“Hi, yourself, princess. It’s good to see you awake.” Dad looked haggard. Much worse than Mom. But he was there. He hadn’t run again. I was relieved to see him.
“Water?” I said. Mom had a glass of water to my lips in a second, and I took a couple of small sips, trying to ease the burning in my throat.
“Does Lucas know I’m okay?”
Mom nodded. "He’s in the waiting room. Do you want to see him?”
He was already at the hospital waiting for me. That made me very happy. I was groggy and sore, but I needed to see him. I nodded.
“We’ll go get a cup of coffee,” Mom said. “I’ll send him right up.”
I blinked at the white ceiling when they left and tried to get my bearings. I was alive. I hadn’t completely expected to wake up from the surgery, despite Dr. Reynolds’ reassurances that it was a safe procedure.
Now, I wasn’t sure what to do. I hadn’t planned for the outcome of life, I’d just attempted to prepare everyone for death.
Was it time to run Lucas off again, once and for all? The last thing I wanted to do was drag him along on my health rollercoaster. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I loved Lucas in a way I’d never loved anyone before.
It would shred me to let him go, but if I truly loved him, wasn’t that the best thing I could do for him? Set him free so he could have a happy life with someone healthy who wouldn’t put him through the constant stress and worry?
There was a knock on the door. I looked over and saw Lucas hesitating just outside. “You look terrible,” I said before running the words through a filter. But he really did. He was pale, and his hair stood out in random tufts. He had a hint of stubble on his cheeks, and I realized I’d never seen him as anything other than clean-shaven.
Terrible was the wrong word. He looked adorable. And broken.
And that was because of me.
“You can come in.”
Lucas silently moved into the room as if he was worried about disturbing me. It was sweet, but I felt sorry for him. He was a nervous wreck.
“It’s okay,” I smiled. “You can talk and make noise. I probably look one-hundred times worse than you, but they tell me I’m going to be okay.” I forced a smile. “You can stop worrying.”
As Lucas eased into the chair by my bed, I noticed how bloodshot his eyes were. I instinctively reached for his hand. “Did you sleep at all last night?”
Lucas ran his free hand through his hair and shook his head. “Not much.”
I nodded. That’s what I’d feared. I’d caused Lucas a night of torment and worry. I didn’t want to be responsible for ever doing it again. I needed to push him away. And I needed to do it now because I knew the longer he held my hand, the longer he looked at me with that sweet expression, the less likely it was that I would be able to do it.
I sucked in a deep breath and spat out the words that needed saying. “Yeah, so, I appreciate you worrying about me. And for coming to the hospital, but I think it’s probably time we went our separate ways.” I squeezed his hand tight before letting go and pulling mine away to tuck under the sheet.
Lucas shook his head hard as if he was waking from a deep sleep. “What?”
After seeing the shape Lucas was in after one night of worrying about me, it only hurt a little to let him go. It was so very clear that he’d be much better off without me.
“I’m breaking up with you,” I said. “This made me realize I’m in no position to have a boyfriend right now. I’ll bet Brianna would be thrilled to take you back.”
Lucas’s brows almost hit his hairline. “You’re sending me back to Brianna with your blessing?”
I frowned. The thought of Lucas back in Brianna’s evil clutches turned my stomach. “It doesn’t have to be Brianna. It probably really shouldn’t be Brianna.” I cringed. “But there’s a world of other girls out there. You’re a great guy. Any girl would be lucky to have you.”
Lucas stared down at me. “Does that include you?”
“What?”
Lucas found my hand under the sheet and rubbed his thumb over my palm in that distracting way he had. “You said any girl would be lucky to have me.” His eyes bored into mine. “Doesn’t that include you?”
I looked away and blinked. “Don’t make this hard,” I softly said. Monitors beeped, and the normal hustle and bustle of the hospital carried in through the open door, but otherwise, the room was quiet.
Lucas continued stroking my palm with his thumb. I scrunched the fingers of my other hand into a fist. Why did Lucas have to be so sweet? He should run away while I was giving him a free pass. But he kept a firm grip on my hand and didn’t act like he was going anywhere.
My flimsy resolve drained out of me. I wanted him to stay. It was wrong and selfish, but I wanted more than anything for Lucas to fight me on this. Because if he left me now, I knew I’d never take a chance on anyone again.
“I know what you’re doing, Maddie, but I’m not going anywhere.” My entire body slumped with relief at his words. My lips trembled, and I clamped them together.
“You push people away as a defense,” he continued. “For them, and for yourself. But you don’t have to do that anymore. I love you, and sometimes love is painful, but true love’s worth the risk. So save your strength for getting well. We have a graduation to go to next week.”
I turned my head on the pillow to face him. Tears rushed to my eyes. Lucas wasn’t taking my out. I really didn’t know how I would have survived if he had, but I’d had to give him the option. The choice to unburden himself without looking like a jerk for dumping the “sick girl.”
I swallowed and focused on the rest of what Lucas had said. “You think I’ll be able to go to graduation?”
Lucas nodded. “Your mom’s already talked to the school board. If you’re up to it, they’ll announce you first so you can get your diploma and go home, so you don’t get run down.”
A tingle ran through me. I might be able to check that goal off my list after all. “I want to see you get your diploma, too,” I said.
Lucas shrugged. “We’ll record it or something. It’s not that big of
a deal. What is a big deal is you getting yours. You’re going to make it to graduation, Maddie. You’re going to have a long, happy, healthy life.”
“You don’t know that.”
“And you don’t know that you won’t. Why not plan for the best?”
A tiny smile touched my lips. “Are you one of those annoying optimists, or something?”
“Will you love me any less if I am?”
My heart swelled. “I do love you, Lucas.”
“I know,” Lucas said with a crooked grin. “I have a feeling I might have to remind you of that from time to time, though.”
“Maybe.”
Warm green eyes met mine. Lucas leaned close. I was sure he was going to kiss me. And I wanted it more than anything. But it was too soon.
I let out a heavy sigh. “I still can’t kiss you.”
Lucas straightened abruptly, pulling as far from me as he could get without falling out of his chair. “I know,” he said. His cheeks grew red. He squirmed on the chair and tugged at his collar.
“Dr. Reynolds gave me the immunity talk,” he said without meeting my eyes.
I stared at him for a second, then let out a snort. “He did not.” I fought back a chuckle. “The bodily-fluid-exchange-talk?”
Lucas nodded while studying his shoes. I flushed all the way down to my toes but started to laugh. “Wasn’t it the worst?"
Lucas glanced up, looking at me through dark lashes. “So uncomfortable.”
He looked at me for a minute and finally smiled. That smile grew into a brief laugh, and then we both fell into silence.
“What now?” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“About us. Stuff like this could happen for the rest of my life. I don’t want you to be stuck with the stress of not knowing if I’m just not going to wake up one day because something screwy happened in my body.”
“I’m not stuck with anything. I love you, Maddie. And that means I’m in it for the good and the bad. For both our sakes, I hope there’s a lot more good than bad, but I’m in it for the long haul, no matter what comes.”