I’m Glad You’re Dead (The Preternatural Chronicles Book 1)

by Hunter Blain

  “It will feel a little unusual at first. You will grow used to it,” Ulric said. “Can you tell me where the nearest camp is?”

  With my eyes still closed, I focused to find the map floating in my memory. It was easy to become lost as my capacity for storage had been a house before I met Ulric. Now, it was an entire city; with houses, shops, and even castles.

  I located the map and could read it as if it were in my hands.

  “Due west. A little over two days walk,” I said as if in a trance.

  “Night, not day,” Ulric corrected before he clapped his hands in excitement and said, “Excellent. She chose wisely indeed.”

  I found the exit in my brain and returned to the reins of my mind. Opening my eyes, I asked, “Who?”

  “Not for you to know, yet. Now let’s go if we are to make it to the next camp before midnight.”

  “Before midnight? But it’s a two-night walk!” I protested, changing my vernacular accordingly.

  Now it was Ulric’s turn to rub his eyes, “Must you question my every command, John?”

  “Yes,” I said. “How else am I to learn?”

  “Trust in your teacher. Follow,” he said, turning and walking out the door.

  Outside he asked, “Orient on the camp using the stars.”

  “This will be easy. My father taught me…” I trailed off, then whispered “My father…” My hands curled into fists and my jaw clinched. Something was happening to my eyes. The trees around me grew sharper, becoming their own separate beings rather than one wooded landscape. Insects flying around the camp became visible. The smell of decaying bodies was picked up by my nose, and the smell of burnt flesh.

  “Control it, John,” Ulric said, “or the bloodlust will control you.”

  I felt like I was standing on the ledge of a steep cliff and if I missed a step, I wouldn’t be able to control my descent. I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes. I focused on my emotions and forced myself to calm down. In my mind, I was lying in a field on a cool spring night, staring into the stars. They passed overhead as thick as clouds and promised all sorts of secrets.

  When I opened my eyes, everything was back to normal. The woods became one again and the smell diminished to an afterthought.

  I started walking in the direction of the next camp.

  “Make haste!” Ulric said.

  I started jogging, and then running. Soon I was at a full sprint. At the precipice between mortal and supernatural speed, I willed my legs to move even quicker. Before I realized how fast I was going, we were through the clearing and at the tree line. Refusing to break speed, I weaved between the trees and undergrowth in the direction of my next meal.

  A couple branches caught my clothing and face, but I held fast, letting my resolve guide me. I gave up part of the reins to my PS who helped keep me on track.

  We were through another clearing when I checked my mental map again. I shifted course slightly and continued. I was amazed that I wasn’t tiring.

  I could hear Ulric running alongside me, letting me guide the way.

  “Now that we are through the trees,” Ulric said, “I want you to leap through the clearing. Watch me.”

  With that, he started taking small jumps that built into complete bounds that propelled him farther than even I could run. I followed suit. After a few shorter jumps, I started leaping greater distances. After a few moments, I even passed Ulric who was smiling. My head turned to watch him, impressed that I overtook him, and then I was greeted by a giant tree that obviously needed a hug.

  My momentum was abruptly brought to a halt and I felt my ribs crack.

  “Damn it, PS,” I thought to my other self. I was met with a mental shrug.

  Ulric stopped just before where I was now a part of the tree, and started laughing maniacally.

  “Oh Lilith! Always be aware of your surroundings, John,” he managed between heaves of laughter.

  I murmured something under my breath about where I’d like to stick this tree on Ulric’s person, then tried to pull myself free.

  I inhaled sharply when I moved as white sheets of pain shot outward from my ribs. I cried out in pain, which caused another invasion of lighting to explode from my jaw. Confused I tried to bite down and was not so pleasantly pleased to discover my upper and lower teeth no longer aligned.

  Ulric fell onto his backside, laughing up a storm. I delicately pushed myself back using my arms and fell to the ground where a squeak of pain escaped my lips.

  Ulric couldn’t take it anymore and went fully on his back, kicking and punching the air while tears streamed down his face from uncontrollable laughter.

  “I’ve...,” Ulric said between heaves of mirth, “I’ve seen plays held for Kings and Queens with the most decorated thespians across the lands, and nothing was as amusing as you! Oh, I clearly made the right decision with you, John.”

  My ribs started to repair themselves with audible cracks. I forced my tender jaw back into place until the tendons healed themselves. Once able, I said, “Glad I could entertain you, sire. Might I wear a jester’s hat during my next performance?” I stood up and bowed.

  He clapped in excitement, “Oh. Lilith! Yes, please!” He said, delighted.

  “Shall we continue, ma’lord?” I asked.

  Ulric sighed, disappointed that laughing session was over. Wiping a tear from his eye he said, “You are right, of course. You lead.” He stifled a laugh at the end.

  We ran for a few more hours without incident. A little past midnight, we made it to the camp.

  Chapter 13

  Now

  Iron cut closed, it was time to head to the only person who would probably help me; Depweg. He’s my werewolf friend that’s basically my complete opposite in every respect: lives above ground, can discern good from evil without a second thought, doesn’t make it a habit of pissing everyone off with his Oscar winning whit, doesn’t have a beard, and has friends who aren’t faeries that don’t believe in faeries.

  Deppyweg, as I enjoy calling him, lives several miles outside of town in the country going toward the one K-Mart town of Lufkin. Given the distance, I chose to drive rather than sprinting the entire way and getting covered with dead bugs. Ulric told me of ancient vampires who had the ability to fly wherever they wanted. I’ve tried on several occasions, but the energy needed damn near causes a black out after only a few seconds. So, the Kia will do.

  Before you say anything, my Kia has been good to me. It even has a turbo, which means it goes fast with less gas I think. I don’t really know, but it sounds cool. Turbo.

  I walked to the nearby storage facility where I kept my pearl white Optima and hopped in. As I push the start button, I’m met with the beautiful sounds of Mastodon’s latest album. I throw “Mortis” into drive and pull out of my storage box. A quick focus of mind and the big metal door shuts behind me. No need to lock it as my steed is the only thing I keep in there. I pull out onto the road and start my journey while belting out lyrics, enthusiastically.

  Along the way, I’m met with drones who got off work late or families that just ate, all of whom are too tired or full to push on the gas pedal. I curse under my breath as these zombies go under the speed limit on a two-way, two lane road. I catch myself about to ask the rubber on the tires to just kind of stop being so darn dense and let the problem take care of itself. But each time I even start to think about it, I picture Papa T with his arms crossed and a disapproving scowl creasing his forehead. So, I say through gritted teeth my relaxation chant “3, 2, 1, 1, 2, 3, what the heck is bothering me?”

  “What is bothering you, Jonathan?” A silky woman’s voice purrs next to me.

  I swerved hard into oncoming traffic and over corrected back into my lane and then onto the shoulder where I drifted in a full circle. Baffled faces briefly lit up and passed into view from the other cars who were in the cavalcade behind me due to the slow driver. We finished the spin and faced forward again with half the car on the shoulder while the other half was
in the dirt and grass. Honks and high beam headlights angrily passed by, making sure I knew I was, in fact, a complete idiot.

  Relaxing my death grip on the wheel and putting Mortis in park, I slowly turned my head to face Lily. She is one of the Fae high court patrons, and a not so secret admirer of yours truly. More like a demanding admirer. Women, am I right?

  “It’s just John!” I spit out, nerves dancing under my skin and hairs on end.

  She sat in the passenger seat with her blonde curly hair that touched the middle of her back. Tonight’s attire consisted of yoga pants, which she knew was one of my weaknesses, like Superman’s green rock, and a tight athletic top complete with small straps that revealed toned arms and firm breasts. I audibly gulped.

  Light blue eyes that were almost white were gazing into mine and her smell wafted up my nose like a cartoon hand, beckoning me to completely zone out of the rest of the world. It was just us, sitting in the middle of nothing, with her scent and eyes holding me captive. My pants became uncomfortably tight.

  “Maybe later John.” She purred as she glanced at my super manly and impressive monster of a bulge “The little guy can wait.” Zing!

  Clearing my throat, I shifted in my seat and as casually as possible, pulled on the fabric of my jeans to make things a tad more comfortable.

  “Lily, what a pleasant surprise! What can I do you for?” I asked playfully.

  “Well Jo…”

  “‘Cause I only have like five bucks,” I mocked as I pulled some ones out of my front pocket.

  The money burst into little flames that grew into tiny devils which started dancing on my palm. Suggestively I might add. Once they started performing rated R acts on one another, I shifted my eyes to Lily and closed my hand. Tiny screams escaped as my fingers tightened.

  “Nice touch,” I said. “Can I return the favor?”

  “Touching comes later, maybe. But first, to business, Jonathan,” she purred.

  “Who’s this clearly attractive and buff Jonathon fellow? I keep getting mistaken for him,” I said, rolling my eyes. She smirked, saying nothing. “Look, I’m on my way to a friend so can we hurry this up please?”

  “You sure are far from home, John. Why so far?” She asked cutely.

  “I need help building my new IKEA bedroom set,” I said sarcastically. “The picture shows a frowny face if you only have one person.”

  Her smell let go of my mind and her eyes shifted to a darker, ocean blue. “You are going to need more help than what your dog can provide,” She said with impatience seeping into her voice.

  I sat stunned. A dark lump formed in the pit of my gut. “Help? It’s…just IKEA,” I said lamely.

  “How are your dreams lately, lover? Anything unusual?” Her voice returned to normal and she began putting on shiny, clear lip gloss using the visor mirror.

  “H-How…?” I stammered, like an idiot. I felt as exposed as a teenage boy whose mom walked in and asked about all the tissues on the ground.

  “Lucky guess,” she cooed while capping her lip gloss and turning to me. “You need my help.”

  “I don’t want the help of the Fae. I know the strings that shit comes with. You could make the Eiffel Tower with those,” I said while pantomiming making shapes with invisible strings between my fingers and open hands. “What do you even care? Your plane wouldn’t be affected.”

  “I like it here, John. Plus, I have vested interests that pay dividends, giving me an advantage where needed.” She had manifested a small file and was giving her perfect nails a good once over, checking them in the visor light. “I ask nothing in return as this would be mutually beneficial,” She placed her hand on my inner thigh “for both of us.”

  I coughed into my hand, “Bullshit! Oh dear, excuse me. Must be the pine, from the trees.” I looked through the windshield and squinted into the darkness at the trees lining both sides of the road barely visible in the sporadic yellow street lights.

  “Bless you. And no, there is nothing that comes attached with my help. We want the same things here and it would behoove us to work in unison.” Her hand slid further up, a fraction of an inch away from where mini me lay, ready for action. Concentrating I willed the blood out of my member, letting him noticeably draw back to safety.

  She pursed her lips and furrowed her brow in faux disappointment and said, “Oh boo. You’re no fun.” She smiled, changing her eye color back to seduction and releasing her pheromones rendering me completely in her power. I was standing straight up as I sat in the driver’s seat, rushing to her hand like a puppy running to meet its owner at the door. As soon as I reached her fingers, she thumped me hard and laughed. I gasped in jolted pain. With laughter lingering in the air, she vanished into a singularity which caused a deafening sonic boom, blowing out my windows and cracking the windshield into a massive spider web.

  Covered in broken glass and holding my throbbing wiener dog, all I could do was mutter, “I hate blue balls.”

  With my left hand holding my crouch, I threw the gears into drive with my right and grabbed the steering wheel, pulling from the shoulder and back onto the main road.

  Still using my right hand, because I have priorities, I let go of the wheel and let my knee do the steering. I reached for my phone and Yelped a glass repair place in the vicinity. Last thing I needed was to get pulled over and have to answer stupid questions that are being recorded and uploaded to a central police station.

  After a few minutes, I found Ed’s Auto Repair and Tanning Salon. I followed the directions and arrived just after 8pm to a worn parking lot where the painted parking spots had long vanished. After looking at the sign for a few moments in disbelief and mouthing the words ‘tanning salon,’ I parked and went inside to talk to an orange man with a toothpick between his teeth named, you guessed it.

  “Ed, I’m ecstatic that you escaped Wonka.” Handing the still-smiling man my keys I finished with, “Replace all the glass by dawn and I’ll double your fee.”

  He looked at my forehead for a moment, moved the toothpick around in his mouth and asked, “Boy, the hell is on your forehead. You one of them queers from the rest stop up the way?”

  I played along and added a lisp, “Oh yes sweetie. We decided to fool the cops and started meeting at 8pm for our wild sex orgies rather than 3am. Keeps them honey buns on their toes.”

  Still smiling, he grabbed the keys and said, “A funny guy huh? Welp, dawn’s gonna take more than a normal fee. Might I suggest…”

  After our business was done, I walked outside and stopped when I reached the edge of the dilapidated parking lot.

  Looking down at the ground with a wrinkled brow I asked no one in particular, “The fuck am I supposed to do with five years of prepaid premium tanning?”

  I was just lucky that the tanning part of his entrepreneurship kept him open past the usual five or six of most repair places I found on my phone.

  Night was fully upon us now and the road was mostly empty, everyone having already returned home from their 9-5 jobs. I chuckled to myself at the palpable irony of there being no traffic after I dropped my car off. With a deep breath and squinted eyes, I turned and started bounding down the highway toward Depweg.

  It only took a few leaps before a giant, juicy bug exploded in my face as I ran at a pace that made the few cars on the road seem like they were parked. Blinded by guts of the gargantuan insect, I missed my footing and tumbled to the ground bouncing off of a tractor trailer and rebounding into the trees, breaking several in a line before having an ancient mother fucker break my warp speed tumble. An upside-down me sized imprint had been created on the beast, which I was currently stuck in.

  “Could this night, get any worse?” I tried to ask of the universe. My face was now a part of the wood. In response to the question, my legs started peeling away from the tree like one of those sticky hands children play with for five minutes until they get coated in dirt.

  As I started to reach the point of no return, I just say to myself what Bill Co
sby said to his dates, “Just let it happen, Jell-O,” and fell to the ground, which was considerably higher than I thought.

  Landing with an “oomph” and with my face in the dirt, I mumble, “Anything else?” At that, the tree started to crack where I had violated its virgin bark. That prompted me to quickly get to my feet and back away yelling into the sky, “I get it! Lilith, I hate trees!”

  With a sparkle of hope I say out loud, “Can this night get any better?” The tree snapped at the impact site and started falling in my direction.

  “That… is…. it…” I jumped at the descending goliath and screamed “Hidukin!” and punched it with all my rage, causing an explosion of tooth picks to rain from above.

  For good measure, I landed on the ground next to the remaining tree stump, which still had a considerable amount of tree left on it extending up twenty feet or so, and swiped my hand right through it like a white-hot spoon through ice cream. The tree started falling over, and as it did, I whispered, “Now you might feel some pressure, so take a deep breath,” before shoving my fist up the stump. “Now cough.”

  With my arm up the ass of the insulant tree, I forced energy from my hand and through the center and up its length in a small circle a few inches in diameter. With a snap of my focus, the tree exploded around the energy leaving only a sliver of smooth wood in the shape of a staff about five feet in length.

  I admired my revenge/handiwork as I twirled the staff around me, kung fu style. After holding one of my super sexy poses, I noticed I was covered in tree guts in the form of tooth picks. Stabbing the staff into the ground, I started raking my hands up and down my sleeves, torso, head, and legs. Pulling the staff out of the ground, I used it to wipe at my back where I couldn’t reach. After inspecting that I was good to go, I spit in the tree’s general direction and then oriented myself back toward the road by using the path I had created.

  Back on the road, I ignored the pulled over semi whose driver was examining the damage from some unknown animal. Before he had the chance to turn and face me emerging from the woods, I started sprinting through the night air again—this time spinning the staff in front of me like a propeller. It didn’t take long before I started to feel and hear the smashing of bugs. I smiled, and was immediately rewarded with a bukkake of bug limbs. I kept smiling my grim smile.