Mourning Express

by K. M. Waller

The one with the braids snorted a giggle. Her heavily lined blue eyes creased at the edges. “Hi, I’m Abbie but with an ‘ie’ and not ‘y’ like the real Abby.” She nodded her head at her friend. “And this is Maggie.”

  “Also with an ‘ie’.” Maggie’s voice came out high pitched and screechy.

  “We’re super fans.” Abbie set the box down on the ground. “We’ve met her at a couple of conferences and she’s just the best and nicest person in the world.”

  “I admit, I’ve never met the actress who plays that character.” Most fans assumed every actor and actress in Hollywood had met at some time or another, but the reality was that a lot moved within their tight knit circles.

  “Oh, that’s okay,” Maggie said, her tone suggesting they wouldn’t hold it against me.

  Mateo gave Abbie a shoulder squeeze and winked at Maggie. “This is where I check out. Abs, you’re the best.” He turned to me. “You’re on your own.”

  “What does that mean?” I asked, but he only shook his head and made his way across Woodfin.

  Maggie spread out the blanket on the crispy grass beneath a tree. Abbie removed items from the box she’d set down, one of which being a lab coat. She handed it to me. “Put this on.”

  “What are we doing again?”

  They both stopped their tasks and came together folding their hands behind each other’s waists. Maggie nodded to Abbie in what looked like encouragement to begin.

  “We are launching our AB-A-Girl clothing and makeup line and we need a celebrity spokesperson to help with the promotions.”

  I’d never been asked to sponsor a product before. Or that my agent had seriously considered and passed on to me anyway. “Don’t you need someone who’s in the good graces with the public?”

  Maggie sighed. “Well, of course we first tried our namesake, but Paulie Perrette’s agent laughed us into tears of shame.”

  “Lots of tears,” Abbie said, gazing into the distance dramatically.

  Maggie continued, “We’ve decided to use the bad girl approach instead. When Mateo called and said that you needed a favor that shall not be named, we decided your recent resurgent with the diva hashtag should make a great connection.”

  I sat down on the edge of the blanket and considered my options. Aligning myself with a bad girl brand could have repercussions down the line for my career reimaging. On the other hand, my career honestly couldn’t get much worse and might never improve. I glanced up at Maggie and Abbie’s hopeful faces. It’d be nice to do something for the budding entrepreneurs and having a fixed timeline would help in my amateurish investigation if nothing other than to eliminate suspects with fish stickers on their cars.

  “Okay, I’ll do it,” I said.

  The ladies squealed their delight and flopped on the blanket to hug me. Maggie reached in the box and pulled out a makeup bag. “I’ll do your makeup with our signature eyeliners and brow pencils. I hope you like black.”

  Gabe would slap the black eyeliner off of me if he knew I allowed someone else to do my face for a photo shoot.

  Abbie reached inside her pocket and withdrew a folded white sheet of paper. The coroner’s report? I grabbed it and excitement made my hands tingle.

  Indemnify and Hold Harmless Agreement. “Um…” I read the first paragraph. For value received, (Undersigned) jointly and severally agree to indemnify and save harmless (Indemnitees) and its successors and assigns from any claim, action, liability, loss, damage or suit arising from the following.

  Abbie’s sweet smile never faltered. “We don’t want you suing us if your face breaks out or if you’re sued by anyone for anything we do here. You can’t add us to the parties as co-defendants. The last paragraph says this isn’t a paid endorsement either.”

  Well, dang. I’d been through a lot of court proceedings since the restaurant fire and I wasn’t completely sure this vague internet form would hold up in a court case, but I did admire Maggie and Abbie for covering their business. I scribbled my signature and Maggie began the process of applying their makeup.

  I put on the lab coat and the three of us spent the next half hour posing together on the blanket. I held the eyeliner and brow pencils and did a short video Insta-video with their Instagram account on how much I loved the brand.

  “Diva or no diva, I’d rock the AB-A-Girl style all day long,” I said and added some duck lips for good measure.

  At the end of the video I removed the lab coat and helped the ladies pack up. Maggie took the gear and crossed the parking lot while Abbie hovered near me in the grass.

  She glanced around to make sure there weren’t any passersby to overhear us. “Now it’s time for my part of the favor.”

  “I promise I’ll never divulge my source.”

  “If Mateo trusts you, I trust you. But I can’t outright give you information from a coroner’s report. I need you to guess.”

  I kicked the grass with the toe of my shoe. “Like, a game?”

  “Sure. You guess the right time and I’ll wave goodbye and leave if it’s right.”

  I bit my bottom lip. Mrs. Lee put the argument between Harold and another man at around nine p.m. and Pearl found him the next morning. Did I start by the hour or go with a range. Most television shows I’d seen used ranges. “Between nine p.m. and eleven p.m.”

  Her face lit up like her favorite NCIS character had kissed her on the cheek. She waved enthusiastically. “You really are so much smarter than those magazines make you out to be. Goodbye, Rosie.”

  With a skip and a hop off of the cement curb, she and her thick soled black boots disappeared around the corner of the YMCA. I had a feeling now that we’d established a connection, this wouldn’t be the last time I heard from Abbie or Maggie.

  With the success of interviewing Sadie and the Lees and obtaining a range of time of death, the pieces of the puzzle were finally beginning to click in place one little odd shaped piece at a time.

  13

  The remainder of the day I spent in a quiet nook in the back of the library. I’d checked out The Everything Guide to Private Investigation, The Idiots Guide to Private Investigation, and How to Win Friends and Influence People. The last one I hoped would provide tips on how to convince the police of a wrongdoing in the first place and to find a way to properly apologize to Pastor Tom without making our strained relationship worse.

  A few more checkup texts from Mateo dinged my phone and I couldn’t help but smile at each one. It was nice having someone look out for me.

  I made lists on all the different techniques I could use to find more answers to my multitude of questions. On those lists I once again made note of all the facts, witness statements, and the timeline. Through the window, the sun dipped into the trees and the shadows elongated and mingled together. Time to give up for the day. I’d promised Mateo a cheap dinner and by cheap, I meant a value box from Taco Bell cheap. No drinks.

  On the way to my car, the ringtone for Countryside trilled. “Hello?”

  “Miss Rosie, I need you to come quick.”

  “Pearl, what’s wrong?” Even on Grammy’s worse day, Pearl always began with a few lines of pleasantries. I climbed in my car already putting myself in the direction of the assisted living facility.

  “Burt Jr.’s gone missing. I took him for an evening walk and only turned my back for a moment, I swear. I don’t know how he got out of the fence.” The panic in her voice ramped up the fear swelling in my chest. Grammy loved Burt Lancaster Jr.

  “I’m on my way, Pearl.” The wooded area outside of Countryside would be a large area to search.

  I dialed Mateo’s number and asked him to meet me there.

  Pearl greeted me at the entrance, wringing her hands and shooting nervous glances over her shoulders. “I’m so sorry. I got distracted with one of the other residents.”

  I grabbed her hands between mine. “It’ll be fine. We’ll find him.”

  Mateo came up from behind me and I made quick introductions between him and Pearl.


  “We should start in the back and call for him. Chances are he’s chasing a scent and he’ll be ready to return home by now.” He glanced at me. “Big or small dog?”

  “A Lowchen.” When he shrugged, I pulled up a picture of Burt Jr. on my phone to show him. “Small and brown.”

  We headed to the back of the property and searched for over an hour calling for Burt Jr. Dusk settled over the living facility and Mateo finally called our search to an end. Crickets and cicadas chirped evening songs from the tree line. We gathered by the dog walk area.

  “I have to get back to the residents.” Pearl pulled out a tissue to dab under her eyes.

  “We’ll find him,” I reassured her.

  Mateo pointed to a white security camera. “Why don’t we see if security can show us which direction he ran off in.”

  Pearl parted ways with us in the hallway and we tromped toward the security office. The evening security officer, Bud, greeted us at the door. “Heard about Burt Jr. I’ve been going over the security taping.” He winked. “It’s all digital now but I can’t help but call it taping.”

  I pointed to the screen. “How come you didn’t look it up when someone broke into my car last night?”

  “You park in the black hole.”

  Mateo leaned forward. “What’s the black hole?”

  “Where the camera gets dark around the edges and you can’t really make out what’s in the shadows.” Bud gestured to me. “I thought you parked there on purpose so the billing ladies didn’t get after you.”

  “Oh, okay.” I averted my eyes so Mateo wouldn’t see my embarrassment. I’d done exactly that. “Can you show us Burt Jr.?”

  “That’s just it. The end of the fenced area is in the black hole too.” He showed us the footage. “See here.”

  I leaned in and pointed to the darkened area in the corner of the fenced dog walk area. “That’s where he dug out from?”

  Bud tapped the screen a couple of times. “I don’t think he dug out. See how his attention is drawn to that area. It’s almost like someone is calling to him.”

  “He’s a friendly enough dog,” I said.

  Mateo crossed his arms and leaned against the doorjamb. “We’re saying someone stole a dog from an assisted living facility?”

  “The world is full of whackos,” Bud answered.

  “Should we call the police?” I asked. How could someone snatch Burt Jr.? And for what reason?

  Bud shrugged his shoulders and looked to Mateo.

  Pearl came through the door. “Any luck, Miss Rosie?”

  “It’s not looking good,” Bud answered her.

  Pearl turned to me. “Your Grammy knows he’s missing. I realize it’s not the most convenient of times, but you’re going to have to put on a show to get her to calm down enough to go to sleep.”

  I didn’t want to face Grammy with yet another failure. I rubbed the tips of my fingers against my forehead. I wasn’t even sure her favorite scenes would be enough to calm her without Burt Lancaster Jr. “I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

  Mateo took my free hand and squeezed it. “How else can I help?”

  “You can be my half-brother slash boyfriend for about five minutes.”

  “I don’t know what that means.”

  He followed me down past Lucinda Rae who attempted to whisper “who’s the stud?” but missed the mark and ended up saying it loud enough for everyone within listening distance to hear. A few of the female residents visiting in the hallways burst into laughter.

  Mateo soaked up the compliment. “I like this crowd.”

  “Not exactly how I expected our first date to go.”

  “Dating you would never be boring. Just don’t set me on fire.”

  “I didn’t set anyone on fire. The candle did.” I tugged on his shirt sleeve. “Please don’t say anything about that in front of Grammy.”

  I knocked on Grammy’s door. When she didn’t answer, I popped my head in and caught her holding Burt Jr.’s leash. He’d been her companion since the start of the memory loss a couple of years ago. A constant in her life that she needed to feel safe and secure.

  I walked over to place a kiss on her cheek but she sniffed and pulled away. She needed a show. “Grammy, this is Mateo. He’s going to play the part of Adam tonight.”

  Mateo came forward. “A pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Collins.”

  Grammy wiped at her eyes with a lace handkerchief.

  I positioned him in front of the television. “What are my lines?” he asked.

  “Oh, you don’t have any. Just stand there and look pretty while I monologue a scene.”

  Grammy’s second favorite scene of Mom’s had been the typical soap opera I murdered our lying, cheating, and filthy rich father in cold blood twist.

  I walked toward the door and at the last second turned dramatically toward Mateo. “Yes, I did it. I killed him. That man was no more a father to you than he was to me. He deserved a fate worse than death, but death was all I could give him. Don’t look at me like that, Adam. You will not shame me. Especially when you stand to inherit his millions. I’ve rid the world of a dirty rotten scoundrel and we’re all the better for it.”

  I tucked my chin to my chest to end scene and waited for Grammy’s applause. When it didn’t come, I glanced over to find her staring at the leash as she toyed with it in her hands. My eyes misted with unshed tears.

  “Should we try another scene?” Mateo asked.

  “I don’t think anything’s going to work until we find Burt Jr.”

  Grammy held the collar up to her cheek. “My Burt.”

  Mateo grabbed my hand and pulled me to the door. “Let’s go find Pearl.”

  The deep cavern of helplessness I’d felt over being unable to help Pearl with Harold’s death could only be rivaled by Grammy’s sadness over missing Burt Jr. “I swear when I find out who did this, I’ll earn the nickname Diva Rosalind.”

  He didn’t let go of my hand as we walked down the hallway. “Do you know if he’s chipped? We can call his vet in the morning and have them and the animal shelter be on the lookout in case we’re wrong and he’s run off into a nearby neighborhood.”

  “I have the paperwork back at the apartment. There’s a database and a link that I can enter him in just in case he shows up somewhere else.”

  “I don’t think there’s anything more we can do tonight.”

  “Agreed.” We passed Pearl and sent her back to Grammy’s room.

  We drove our separate cars to the apartment complex. I pulled in and parked beside Mateo. Neither of us said much as we walked the dimly lit path to the apartment. A note was taped to the door. Mateo read it and handed the slip of paper to me.

  I told you to stop.

  “Does this mean what I think it means?” My heart skipped a beat. “The handwriting matches the first note. But could it really be that the person who wants me to stop looking into Harold’s death took Burt Jr.?”

  Mateo held the door to our apartment open as I walked through. “Wouldn’t taking the dog make you more susceptible to going to the police?”

  I read the note again. “Maybe this person knows the police won’t take me seriously.”

  He closed the door with a thud. “What I want to know is who would have the time and resources to follow you around and work out your schedule. Taking Burt Jr. had to be an impulse move.”

  Once again the warning made me think I’d hit all the right places today. Someone I’d talked to along the way knew something more than they were telling me. “Since the police are prejudiced against me, I think it’s time to call in a professional.”

  I looked in my purse for Lou Kadlec’s number. I waved the card.

  “Who’s that?” he asked.

  “The private investigator I met at Harold’s funeral. He’s not going to be cheap, but I can’t let this person get away with taking Burt Jr. I’ll share everything I have with him and see if we can put together a better picture of the culprit.”

  �
��I admire your refusal to back down.” Mateo glanced at his watch. “But it’s getting late. Are you sure you want to do this tonight?”

  I dialed Lou’s number. “I won’t be able to sleep until I have a plan in place.”

  Lou picked up on the third ring. “Hello.”

  “Hi, Lou, it’s Rosie. I need your help.”

  “Sure thing. Meet me at my office. I’m finishing up something right now but I’m sure I can help you out with whatever you need.” He disconnected and I frowned at the phone.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “Lou told me to meet him at his office but he didn’t give me the address. He also didn’t ask me what I needed help with either.”

  “Maybe he’s incompetent like everyone says.” Mateo took the laptop from me. “I’ll search his office address, and then we can go.”

  “You don’t have to come with me.”

  “I’m not letting you leave here at night without me. Whoever this person is might be watching right now. I can’t let them take this to the next level.”

  “Okay.” My own personal hero.

  He pecked the keyboard and a deep frown formed between his eyebrows. “Look at this.” He slid the laptop back around facing me. Over a hundred one-star reviews came up beside Lou’s P.I. business.

  “Yikes. Meeting him might not be such a good idea.” I clicked on a couple of reviews. “Wait. A lot of these are from the same person. In fact, I’d say a troll came in and slammed his business.” I read a few of them out loud to Mateo. “Can’t produce results. Bad business practices. They all come from someone named HBoldman31.”

  “H. bold man. That’s a little on the nose. A troll calling himself bold,” Mateo said.

  The negative reviews knocked the wind out of my sails. “I should call Lou back and cancel.”

  Mateo turned the laptop toward him and clicked the keyboard a few more times. “H bold man did seem to think he’d been cheated and Lou even responded to a few. Wow, this reads like a Facebook comment section fight. It gets pretty nasty.”

  How Lou handled himself would determine if I kept my appointment. I stood and fixed myself a glass of water. “Read Lou’s comments to me.”