by Hollye Davis
“That’s horrible, but you don’t need me to tell you that. Just know that no matter what happens between us, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation I will always be available to you.”
Those damn tears started welling in her eyes. Her friends families had tried to help her but they all failed. Somehow, she believed Edwin would come through. Cloe Dropped her chin to her chest to hid her tears. But before she could swipe them away, Edwin turned her around, and kissed them off her cheeks. She leaned into him as he began to leave a trail of kisses all the way to her lips. When he finally touched her lips, she lifted her arms around his neck and slid her hands up to his hair. It was soft and silky and she moaned when he slipped his tongue between her lips. He pulled her closer as he delved into her mouth causing sensations she didn’t know she could feel. She tentative returned the sensual caress with her tongue and he moaned. His hands were trailing the skin between her shirt and shorts moving upwards. That was when things became desperate, they were breathing heavily, trembling.
Suddenly he wrenched his mouth away from hers and began backing out of the closet. She stood wild-eyed watching him retreat, confusion etched in every line of her body. She couldn’t move and she couldn’t react. When the sensual haze cleared from her brain she wandered back into her bedroom.
Edwin was sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. She looked at him for a minute and then she walked over to sit next to him.
“Is everything all right?” She asked very quietly. Fears slamming into her, she must have done something wrong but she couldn’t figure it out. Maybe she was the world’s worst kisser, and he was probably regretting ever telling her he wanted her only, like a girlfriend.
He lifted his head to answer her question, “I’m not sure, is it possible to feel too much?” Then he shook his head as if to clear it. “I think our friends should be at the fire now, let’s go.”
His change of thought confused her further but she was too afraid to push him for answers. She just wanted to… she didn’t know what she wanted to do so she stood up and walked out the door.
They walked silently to the fire and sat down like all the other times before. He was distant and he didn’t even hold her hand. She didn’t know what say or do. They all danced and as usual her favorite part was with Edwin, however he was very careful not to get too close to her or show any favoritism. Finally she closed her mind to the horrid doubts and let the music take over her thoughts.
Before long the fire was dying down and the dancing was too. She said goodnight and started back to the cottage alone. She was depressed. Why did Edwin shut down like that? What did she do? He seemed to like kissing her as much as she did, so what was the deal?
Her thoughts made her stomach ache. She clutched a fist to it when she was far enough away that no one would notice.
“Are you not feeling well?” Edwin said and she whipped around to see him. She promptly looked away and kept walking.
“Please stop,” he asked but she kept going.
His hand reached out and she flinched as if he struck her. The look of horror on Edwin’s face was the last straw and she turned to run to the cottage. She was breathing heavily when she arrived and didn’t know what to do. She paced as she tried to figure out where she could hide. In the middle of wishing the floor would swallow her up, Edwin walked in.
“Cloe?” he asked, “Why did you run? What is wrong? What did I do?”
“You did nothing. I’m a spaz. I’m sorry. I’m so inept at everything that I can’t even have a boyfriend without frightening him.”
“Who used to hit you, Cloe?”
She looked away. She had hoped he wouldn’t ask that. She had already told him about her grandmother. She didn’t want to admit it was more than once. He would know what a complete loser she was and somehow that mattered a great deal to her.
“Cloe, answer me,” he demanded. She peered up at him as he sternly gazed back at her. Fear and conditioning from her father had her speaking.
“My grandmother when she lost her mind, my father when he actually noticed me around, kids at school. The question should be who hasn’t hit me.” She was disgusted with herself. She was disgusting. She was sure that he would run away but instead he sat down on the bed, as if his legs gave out on him.
“Oh geez, Cloe. There aren’t words. I feel…” he put his hand over his heart and started over, “when you tell me these bits of your life, I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could fix it and it breaks me that I can’t.”
“It’s okay Edwin. It’s in the past, let’s not dwell on it.” It was becoming her new mantra. Get over it. Move on.
“No, it is not okay,” he said passionately, “you just don’t move on from people who should be your protectors using you as their punching bag.”
“Oh it wasn’t like I was beat every day.” Which was true, it was not every single day, sometimes a couple days in a row, but not every single day. “And besides I probably deserved it anyway, if you haven’t noticed I seem to ask for it. I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut. Look, I even called you a homely horse!” She gave him a wobbly smile.
He did not return the smile. “Nothing you say should ever be justification for someone hitting you.”
He got up and paced, “you know when we met what was her first impression of you?”
Not sure she wanted to know, she stared at him. He continued without her answer,“My heart lurched when I saw you dancing. My breath was taking away by your complete absorption into the music. When you smiled at the sand dollar as if it was the most precious thing in the world, I wanted to hold you the same way you held it. I thought about how adorable you were when you blushed.” He touched her cheek. “When you called me a homely horse, I thought you were funny. But it wasn’t until that night when you described the fire that I knew I was done for. That I knew that I would never go back being the same.” She gazed into his tender expression. She just didn’t get it. Why did he act the way he did this evening? Why did he treat her as if she was only another friend? She swallowed hard and forced herself to ask,
“What about this afternoon in the closet and at the fire. Why did you shut down on me? Why didn’t you talk to me?” Three questions in a row
- she was going to vomit.
“My darling, you are…when we kiss…it’s unbelievable and if we continued I felt as if I was going to explode if I didn’t take you right there in the closet but I knew that you aren’t ready. When we make love, there will be no doubt that you will be ready and I will be in control of my facilities.”
Her face felt hot at his frankness. He smiled touching her cheek again. She wasn’t ready for that was she? After all, she had trouble allowing people to reach for her without flinching for goodness sake!
“As far as the fire,” Edwin continued, “I know you’re private and I didn’t know if you wanted everyone to know. It nearly killed me not to strangle Christoph for even looking at you. He’s interested in you, you know.”
She snorted. Edwin had very unrealistic ideas of who was interested in her. “Right. That’s hilarious.”
“Remember that day we both came to get you?” Edwin asked.
“Yeah, you guys were arguing about something.”
“Yes, about you. But he’s a good friend and after he came to lunch that day he knew that I was more…vested. Or maybe he just knew I was going to kick his ass if he didn’t stay away from you.”
“Oh,” She said lamely. It seemed crazy to have two guys actually argue over her. He had to be trying to make her feel better or he was simply jealous. She shrugged.
“Don’t do that,” he said.
“Do what?” She countered.
“Don’t shrug it away as if what I told you is untrue.”
She let out a long breath.
He laughed and leaned over and whispered, “It doesn’t matter if you believe me or not, I know the truth.” Then he straightened up and said, “Besides I don’t want you thinking about Christoph anywa
y. I only want you to know how much I adore you.” He reached for her and kissed her again. She really could get used to all this. It felt good.
The biggest revelation of the night was that she was feeling something good for the first time in her life. It was like she was full when in the past she had always been an empty shell. After a minute of serious kissing, he abruptly stood and said in a husky voice, “I probably should head home. I…um…well, hell, if I stay here I will be in the same condition I was in earlier after the closet.” He gave her another quick kiss and left her room. She watched him go still not sure what “condition” he was referring to. She shrugged again got up to take a shower and go to bed.
I am addicted but there was no rehab for me. Each time I tried to gain perspective, tried to stop using, the need to take one more hit was overwhelming. But drugs weren’t my addiction, no; it was his kisses that leave me trembling for more. I sit here on my bed like a junky shaking from the high. I can still feel the heat from his lips. His body pressed against mine, hear my moans as his hands roamed my body. No, there was no rehab for me, as I never want this feeling to stop.
– Cloe’s diary
Chapter 16 Was this Love? As the days whirled by, she spent a lot of time with Edwin. He came at lunch every day and escorted her to the fire every night. Sometimes he would walk her up to her room to give her a kiss away from the others. He was so careful with her most of the time but when they started kissing things would get out of control quickly. It didn’t help that there was a convenient bed that seemed to call her to drag him to. Cloe didn’t understand what she was feeling or wanting but she wanted it with an insanity that she felt wasn’t normal.
Thinking didn’t bother her anymore. She found herself daydreaming about conversations floating through the days with a smile on her face. It felt nice to feel alive again and not so much the loser.
She still couldn’t comprehend why Edwin liked her but she finally was able to accept that he did.
She also didn’t know when it happened or how but she woke up one morning and realized what she felt for Edwin was love. She probably had loved him from the beginning but it took her time to identify the feeling. She had never allowed herself to even fantasize love. As far as she was concerned it didn’t exist or it didn’t exist for her because she had deemed herself unlovable and unable to love. It took one person, well truthfully two people in her life to make her realize that love was possible.
One was Edwin of course, but the other was her love for her aunt who always gave her space but always reassured her with her presence.
She stretched languidly in the bed as the sun peeked through her closed curtains notifying her it was another beautiful day at the beach. Her spirits were high because she knew Edwin would be by later and they would either go horseback riding or for a walk. Like her, he enjoyed being active nor was he eager to watch TV or leave the community. Most people their age would have been bored by now but they were content.
She walked out into the living room knowing her aunt would already be gone. She gazed out the wall of glass windows to the beautiful view when she became surprised to find Edwin on the deck facing the ocean. He appeared deep in thought. She walked to the sliding glass door, which was already open and quietly admired him. He was wearing a soft looking t-shirt that was the exact blue as his eyes with low hung loose shorts that accentuated his muscular athletic legs. God had put Edwin together exceptionally well. She sighed and thought what her heart screamed, I love you Edwin.
It was when he whipped around that she realized she had said those words out loud. His eyes were intent on her, searching her face.
“I didn’t mean to say that out loud.” Like the lame excuse would take it away. She felt vulnerable and worried how Edwin might react. After all, what girl tells a guy that she loves him first? It wasn’t normal and she felt utterly stupid.
He walked up stopping right in front of her. He had so much emotion in his eyes but she couldn’t decipher what the emotion it was. Fear? Horror? He reached down and kissed passionately with so much feeling she thought she would drown. Then he backed up and turned to run down the deck stairs and out of sight.
I couldn’t believe I did it. I successfully screwed up the only thing in her life that actually worked. Every single thought of being a complete loser rushed back to me. All the taunts from students at the school returned and chanted over and over again in my head, “loser, loser, loser.” – Cloe’s Diary
Chapter 17
Ruined Friggen Unbelievable, she screamed inwardly. She was sitting on the edge of the couch with her head between her legs. If she could only breathe maybe she could fix this mess but she couldn’t. She swallowed and tried again to stop the tears and to push the pain down to her stomach. Don’t think, she silently yelled. But nothing worked.
She was about to curl in a ball when all of sudden the front door swung open and banged against the wall. She jumped from the couch and swung around. Her heart beating uncontrollably she grabbed the end of the couch to keep from falling.
Edwin strolled in. His chest raising up and down from exertion or emotion, she didn’t know which. He had a huge silly grin on his face and she stood dumbly. He tilted his head sideways and asked, “Are you okay?”
Cloe didn’t answer for fear she would lose the contents of her stomach but was able to nod. He came closer, motioning for her to sit down. He was so very proper and perfect. She felt inadequate and stupid.
When they were situated on the couch, he flipped her hand palm up and traced the lines with his finger. Then he looked into her eyes. She felt something heavy and soft placed in her upturned palm. She looked down to discover it was a long skinny velvet jewelry box. She looked at it stupidly, not knowing what to say or how to act. She glanced up at him and he said softly, “Open it.” His voice was husky and full of emotion.
She again stared at the box afraid of what she was going to find, but finally she slowly began to try to open it. Her fingers fumbling with the lid because she shook violently. Besides her aunt, no one had ever given her a gift. Bless Edwin’s heart because he waited patiently as she battled to get her emotions under control.
When she was finally able to pry the lid of the box she peered at a beautiful thin gold necklace with a solid gold sand dollar charm about the size of a quarter hanging from it. She gasped. It was so beautiful. Edwin reached over and flipped the sand dollar over. On the back was a heart engraved with a letter E inscribed inside of it. She looked up questionably and he explained, “I’ve had it for a while but I’ve been afraid to give it to you. I didn’t know how you felt. You keep your emotions concealed and I’m always trying to guess where I stand. When I get enough nerve to give it to you, I get afraid that it will scare you away.”He touched her face.
Edwin was always doing stuff like that. He would touch her softly as if he was training an abused horse to get used to his touch. That touch had become an addiction. She laughed silently realizing she did have a vice. It’s name was Edwin.
“I want you to know that you have my heart. This right here is the symbol of it and our relationship.” He touched the heart on the sand dollar. He then reached under his shirt to pull out another chain. The chain was more masculine but it had an identical but smaller charm. When he flipped it over it had the same heart with a C inscribed in it. That is when the tears that she had tried to hold back began to trickle.
“I think we need each other. Apart we are broken, but together we make a whole. I love you Cloe, I have loved you since the first time I met you. When I think I can’t possibly love you more, it grows.” She knew exactly what he meant. She choked out a sob and threw her hands around him burying her head in his neck.
He loved her. Someone loved HER! The unlovable. Not only did the most beautiful unattainable man love her but she loved him back. She didn’t have any idea how long they sat holding on to each other, all she knew was that nothing in her life felt as good as Edwin’s arms around her.
That eveni
ng, Cloe paced the floor until her aunt arrived at home. Edwin was already at the fire. She needed to talk to her aunt. Her poor aunt didn’t even have a chance to put her keys down before Cloe ran and hugged her.
“I have news,” Cloe announced.
“You’re not pregnant are you?” Aunt asked alarmed. Cloe was taken back but then laughed and said, “You have to have sex for that to happen.”
“Oh…well, I thought, well never mind.” Aunt looked flustered.
“Oh no, don’t stop now. I know you thought that two hormonal teens together alone wouldn’t find anything better to do than have meaningless sex?” She grinned at her.
“No, that isn’t it at all. I have just noticed that things with Edwin and you have gotten pretty serious and I figured that it’s inevitable.”
Cloe sighed thankful her aunt understood, “You’re probably right. I haven’t been ready because…” She paused, not sure how to proceed, “Well, because I’ve never been touched, much less hugged. The thought of anything that intimate used to be very intimidating.” She looked into her aunt's eyes and said coyly, “but Edwin has changed that for me.”
Her aunt put her arm around her and said, “Oh darling, I understand, but you’ll know when you are ready and you are lucky that Edwin is gentlemanly enough to not pressure you to do anything you aren’t ready for, even if he looks ready to explode half the time.”
“What do you mean?” She hadn’t noticed Edwin being uncomfortable.
“Oh it is nothing. You’ll understand one day. Anyway we are off the subject, what is your news. It’s obviously good otherwise you wouldn’t be smiling.”
Part of her news encompassed a sex talk but it was easier to avoid that for the moment. So she showed aunt what Edwin bought her and explained what had transpired. Her aunt sighed and sat down.
“Good grief, does he have a single dad, older brother?” She didn’t give her time to answer, “My goodness that guy is something else. We should clone him. We would make all the women in the world very happy,” Aunt said laughingly.