by Hollye Davis
Sandra, however, had no such insecurities as she waltzed assuredly to the plastic lady and shared a few indistinguishable words while Cloe ogled the rich décor. No more than a few minutes passed when someone came out from the back and immediately whisked her away not to see Sandra again until what felt like days later.
Cloe was subjected to complete and total torture. She was plucked, wax, her hair was cut and styled, rolled, dipped, rubbed and God knows what else. She went through every phase of pruning and when she emerged she felt wholly unlike herself. When she was about to run from the place screaming, she was pulled into yet another room where Sandra was sitting waiting, reading serenely. Cloe had to admire Sandra as she looked refreshed, beautiful and glowing.
“Oh gosh, you look fantastic, beautiful. Edwin is going to go through the roof!” Sandra exclaimed when Cloe walked into the room. Then Sandra frowned looking at her clothes and added, “Those won’t do,” waving her hand regally at her outfit.
Cloe looked down at her shorts and designer tank top wondering why “they won’t do” when Sandra held up a tiny royal blue silk dress and a pair of matching heels that they had argued about the impracticality of the purchase earlier in the day.
Cloe had shoved the dress back but Sandra must have bought it anyway.
Cloe sighed. Why not? She had already been through so much anyway. She took the dress on an exasperated sigh and rolled her eyes. Sandra responded by looking very smug.
It was dark when they arrived at the cottage but it was ablaze with light and activity. When they walked through the front door, it was to her surprise to find the entire fire gang sitting in her living room.
She shot Sandra a dirty look realizing she must have called ahead to make sure Cloe had the proper audience to view her transformation. Sandra laughed, flipped her hair and strode further into the room. She had no choice but to follow.
When Sandra moved out of the way to present Cloe, the only noise was the waves beating shells into sand. Christoph cleared his throat and shifted, Duke stared dumbly. She felt uncomfortable and ready to run. It was Penelope who broke the silence with a sincere, “You look wonderful.” Everyone nodded in agreement as she glanced at all the awe-struck faces.
She saved looking at Edwin until last, shy of what he would think, afraid that he wouldn’t like a shinier Cloe. When their gazes met, his reaction shot fire straight through her. He looked…unglued.
Sandra turned toward her effectively blocking Edwin’s view and handed her a little blue gift bag, “You’ll need these tonight,” then she turned and bounced out to the back deck. It was as if she knew what was going to happen next whereas Cloe hadn’t a clue.
Edwin walked up after Sandra left and touched her cheek. His eyes burning with a desire that reached down to her deepest recesses. Her heart was beating so rapidly she relaxed her lips to take in a breath, but it was also a natural way for her to body to automatically prime itself for his kiss.
She jumped back when Edwin barked, “Everyone out!” breaking the sensual haze. Everyone fled.
Her gaze landed on Christoph and his knowing smirk as he patted Duke on his back, “Doesn’t look like they will be joining us at the fire tonight.”
She blushed. The only fire she was thinking about tonight was the one burning inside of her. She prayed Edwin was prepared.
Once the last person walked out the deck, shutting the door quietly behind them, Edwin hefted her into his arms and carried her to her room. He used his foot to slam the door closed then carefully placed her on the bed. She watched him through hooded eyes as he locked all the doors and closed the curtains. She was trembling when he finally took a deep breath and quickly divested himself of his shirt.
She swallowed. Oh heavenly God, but he was beautiful.
In her hand she still clutched the little gift bag Sandra gave her. She let it go. It fell off the bed to the ground where the contents spilled. She burst out laughing.
Edwin, who was moving toward her on the bed, looked at her blankly, “Do tell what’s so funny.”
She dropped her hand off the bed and scooped up the package of condoms to show Edwin, “She told me that we would need these…” she paused for dramatic effect, “tonight.”
He busted out laughing, “I think she’s right. I’ll have to thank her, as I only brought one.” He raised his hand showing the condom nestled in his palm.
One would have thought him saying that out loud would have sent her running from the room. Indeed panic shot through her but she wanted him more. It was probably a mistake, but it was her mistake to make.
She was stretched on the bed, her hip and elbow propping her up when Edwin lay beside her. He tenderly cupped her check with his palm, whispering how much he loved her and all panic and all thoughts flew right of her head.
Before she knew it, Edwin was on top of her with her dress nearly off, the kisses were deeper edged with desperation. Suddenly he broke away eliciting a moan of protest from her.
“I said I’d not pressure you and I’d wait until you’re ready, but most important I would have my facilities together. I don’t think I’m pressuring you,” he glanced at her for confirmation, she nodded and he continued, “but, god, when I’m around you my facilities are never together. All my plans go out the window and I’m warning you if we continue I don‘t think I will be able to stop.” He looked in pain.
“I am ready, I…” she was going to say she was not scared but that wasn’t true so she said, “I’m prepared this time.”
Those words were all it took for Edwin to be everywhere at once. Cloe trembled with emotion as they continued further than she had ever gone before.
The act itself was painful at first and she wondered why anyone would want to do it regularly, but then something happened and it became something more than physical, more than need. It was as if this one act intensified the love she had for Edwin. It wasn’t cheap, as some girls had described it, but she could see how it could quickly turn that way if theirs wasn’t a love union. It was as if she was completing something with Edwin that she hadn’t known was missing.
Afterward, he held her, shaking just as bad as she was, his face buried in her neck. Their naked sweaty entwined bodies felt combined. She did not know where her limb began or ended or where his were, but it didn’t matter because it was perfect.
After a long moment he began kissing her neck when he choked out, “I love you seems inadequate to the way I feel about you.”
The words sent her soaring. She pulled slightly back to meet his gaze but found he wouldn’t look at her. When she finally forced him to raise his head his expression was troubled.
Fear and panic shot through her, “What’s wrong?”
“You said you were prepared, but I was not prepared to feel this way.”
Her heart sunk. He didn’t like it. It wasn’t earth shattering for him as it was for her.
Oblivious to her crushed heart, he continued, “I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been with others.”
No shock there, you didn’t come into life looking like Edwin without women falling at his feet. She was sure he has taken advantage of that more than once, even though she hated thinking about it. She sifted away from him knowing there was no big revelation that she was lacking.
He gently turned her head back to him and said, “I wish.” He stopped, took in a breath, then continued, “I wish, I could have saved myself for you,” his eyes bored in hers, “The others feel cheap, dirty, and empty. You’re all I will ever need or want. I love you so much. You’re everything to me.”
She blinked a few times and smiled. To her profound relief she didn’t cry. She didn’t want to cry, she was so happy, so fulfilled that she didn’t need to cry and that was best gift Edwin could have ever given her.
I never realized how anxiety driven I was until I wasn’t anymore. Edwin took that feeling and stuffed it in a laundry basket to never be seen again. Or so I thought. All dirt laundry eventually comes back.
- C
loe’s Diary
Chapter 21
The Anxiety is back “Edwin might as well move in as much as he stays here,” her aunt said over her morning coffee. Indeed Edwin stayed over a lot and was there a lot. Aunt looked candidly at her when she spoke, “I’m not sure this is healthy but for some reason I have a hard time depriving you of anything, especially since you never ask for anything. I’m as bad as some of my brat’s parents.”
Her aunt shook her head disrupting the smooth sleek style of her pixie hair cut. It was hard to take her serious when she looked like Tinker Bell even when she was trying to convey her best parental representational scowl. They both knew she wasn’t pulling it off and busted out laughing.
Contradictory to what Aunt thought, she thought it was very healthy for Edwin to stay over. She had never felt better, slept better, been better. But she also understood Aunt’s trepidation. They were young and behaving as if they were married.
Her silly girly heart jumped at the thought. She was as crazy as those girls who wrote all over their notebook “Mrs. Whoever” they dated at the time.
The best thing she could do was try to reassure her aunt that she was okay. That she understood the seriousness of the situation.
“Don’t worry Aunt, this is new to me, but I assure you I’ll let you know if something goes wrong or if I get in over my head.” She squeezed her aunt, “I know we can work through it together, me and you.” It was the best she could do. It didn’t sound like a lot but she could tell her Aunt liked her honesty and trusted her impeccably.
“Well honey, tomorrow is the big day, are you okay?” Cloe groaned rising from the table to refresh Aunt’s coffee. Tomorrow was the first day of school and no, she wasn’t okay, she was terrified. The thought of returning to school sent chills through her body, and not Edwin evoking chills, more like the chills after seeing a horrific car accident that haunted a person for months.
It was the official end of summer and it felt like death to her. It was the best summer of her life and all school could to do for her is take her away from Edwin longer.
She had some major insecurities emerge with the thought of Edwin not seeing her as often. What if another new girl intrigues him more than her? She was certainly nothing special, just different. Any new girl could be classified as different.
Returning with the coffee, she looked at Aunt straight in her eye, “No, but I’ll deal. I always deal. Maybe this year will be different.”
Edwin, fresh from the shower, walked in and kissed the top of her head, “Of course it’s going to be different, you have me now.”
She tilted her head back to receive a soft kiss on the lips from him. Smiling she glanced at Aunt, who was watching them closely with that worried frown again. The one she only had when it dealt with Edwin and her. Shrugging she went and prepared breakfast.
It was a lazy day spent in Edwin’s arms. Surprising, long before the sun fell her friends began to arrive at the cottage. Usually they showed up right before dusk. Frowning and honestly slightly alarmed because Sandra waltz in with a birthday cake and everyone else had a gift she was afraid she’d forgot someone’s birthday. How embarrassing. She shot Edwin a look clearly asking him what was going on but he just shrugged.
She stood and pulled Sandra aside, “Please tell me I didn’t miss the memo on a birthday party!”
Sandra laughed, “No silly, it is your going back to school celebration!”
Cloe was a little confused, “Who celebrates going back to school?”
Everyone erupted into laughter as Edwin came over and kissed her. “Haven’t you learned by now that Sandra will use any excuse to celebrate?”
After a delicious cake, they all gathered around placing Cloe front and center with all the gifts. She stared at them afraid to touch them. She had never had a party with gifts, heck she had never been to a party where gifts were given.
How was a person to act? Everyone watched her expectantly and she felt … ridiculous. Edwin sensing her unease put his arm around her and whispered in her ear, “Don’t worry sweetheart, it’s not difficult, just pick a present and open it. Make some noise on how lovely it is and move on.”
He always knew how to make her feel better. He was like her very own security blanket helping her act normal or at least as normal as she could be. A sudden pain grabbed her stomach. How was she going to survive school without him? Someone sifted alerting her to their impatience, she pushed morose thoughts aside, laughed nervously, and fumbled for a gift.
Each gift was wonderful and thoughtful. Christoph gave her a notebook with seashells and one perfect sand dollar in the middle. Inside he wrote,
Cloe, I’m so glad we ran into each other… Literally. With all my love, Christoph.
She laughed. Edwin shot Christoph a dirty look but she just patted him on his thigh. Christoph has told every other woman he meets that he loves them. Setting his gift carefully aside, she reached for another one.
Sandra gave her a Loui Vuttion backpack; at least that is what Sandra told her it was. After their shopping excursion she finally got clued in that the girls weren’t talking of boys, but brands, and she knew this one was a significant designer.
Christine gave her a make-up bag that matched her backpack and Penelope supplied all the “necessities” to go in it, like lip-gloss and mascara. Cloe raised an eyebrow when she saw a condom slipped inside. Penelope shrugged, “You never know.” They all busted out laughing.
Duke gave her a couple folders with Marmaduke and one with a peacock on them. “To remind you of me,” he said jokingly and their laughter got louder as they remembered the night at the campfire she had confessed that Duke reminded her of big dog. It was after an argument of who looked more intimidating, him or Christoph where Cloe was forced to be the decision maker. She said Christoph because who could be afraid of Marmaduke? Everyone had laughed so hard and pressured her to give Christoph an animal since she had compared Edwin to a homely horse and Duke to a big dog. She had to think a minute but it didn’t take too long. She announced that Christoph reminded her of an amorous peacock and everyone laughed so hard she thought they might hurt themselves. She didn’t realize at the time that peacock’s weren’t the smartest birds in the world until the next night when Edwin took extreme delight in reading an educational book about peacocks.
The gifts were perfect. Everyone left early using the excuse that she needed her beauty sleep for school tomorrow. Honestly she thought Edwin had persuaded them.
She was content to lie with him on the couch fingering her new backpack. He kissed to the right of her ear whispering, “I’ll be right back.”
She protested but he was back before long. “Demanding creature aren’t you?” he said jokingly. Then he handed her a little package, “Here’s my gift.”
“Oh but you’ve already gave me one,” she touched her necklace.
He smiled kindly and said, “Love, you’ll receive lots of gifts from me so you better get used to it.”
She frowned as she pushed herself up into a sitting position.
“What’s wrong?” he inquired, sitting down next to her.
“Edwin, I don’t want to be showered with gifts. It makes me feel…superficial and grasping. I don’t like that.”
He frowned, “If it makes you feel any better your aunt helped me out on this gift,” he tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, “Let me add just because I give you gifts does not make you grasping, it makes me happy. Just let me be happy.” She rolled her eyes, he knew her weakness, and took the gift from his proffered hand.
When she opened it, she was surprised to find a pretty green Iphone covered in iridescent crystals that sparkled. She looked at him questioningly.
“I was not comfortable sending you to school without some sort of way for us to communicate. I don’t know if you know anything about County High but it is a huge school and I worry about you.”
He was right, she didn’t know a lot about County High. Her aunt took her by there to preregist
er for classes but she tried really hard not to look at the school or learn anything about it. It was irrational and she knew she would have to deal with her fears later but at the time she was only interested in the summer, not thereafter.
Now the thereafter was here and she felt utterly unprepared.
Trying to push past the fears, she lifted the phone up for further inspection. Tilting it to the side, a charm dangled off the side. It was a tiny gold sand dollar with what looked like a real diamond in the middle. Edwin kissed her neck.
“You once told her about how a sand dollar is a symbol of survival. You described it as perfect even though it had to go through so much turmoil. I feel the same about you. You have been through so much but in my eyes you are perfect. You are a survivor and I don‘t ever want you to forget that, no matter what.”
Touching his face with her fingertips, “I don’t feel perfect. You have no idea the flaws I have, but when you tell me these things I can feel almost worthy and makes me feel I can do anything.”
Removing her fingertips from his cheek, she lowered her head and continued, “When you’ve spent your life less than what everyone wants, to have one person who sees you as okay, you can’t understand how that affects me.” She then raised her head and kissed him sweetly on his lips.
That night Aunt ordered take-out because she announced Cloe didn’t need to fix them dinner every single night. It was beyond her aunt to understand that cooking wasn’t a chore to Cloe but tonight Cloe didn’t want to argue. Her anxiety for the next day was nearly killing her and no matter how reassuring Edwin and Aunt were, she knew better. She just knew that things weren’t going to go smoothly. They never did. PART TWO School
Once I heard school referred to as an institution of learning. Ha! It is an institution for sure, but for learning? No, it was an institution of torture where the students had their own agenda to harass and morph into a mass of teenage angst and the teacher delighted in the manifestations derived from their drama. – Cloe’s diary