Sand dollar

by Hollye Davis

  He tied the horses to a tree and then grabbed her hand to drag her through a nearly invisible trail. She stumbled along behind him wondering where he was taking her. When they dipped down a stony part leading to a creek, she noticed a large limestone rock emerged out from the earth creating a natural foundation overlooking the water. It looked like a perfect place to gather ones thoughts.

  “It’s beautiful,” she breathed out. “Yes, beautiful,” he agreed but he wasn’t looking that creek, he was looking at her. She didn’t know to make of that so she shrugged it off. Cameron was a good-looking guy, far from the husky awkward boy she used to know. She was sure he had his share of girlfriends but she doubt he would waste his time with her.

  “So is the guy who runs the stable your boyfriend?” Alarm really began to rise in her throat but she pushed it back down.

  She laughed somewhat forcibly. “No, he isn’t. He and my friend Kim have this thing going on. It’s like the slowest moving relationship in the history of man,” she joked hoping to dislodge some of the intense looks he was giving her.

  “Are you going to move back to Texas when you graduate?”

  She sat down folding her legs in a crisscross fashion, picking up a rock and threw it in the river before answering. Cameron squatted next to her, repeating her actions with another loose stone.

  “I don’t know. I want to go to college and all. I guess if they offer me a good enough scholarship I might.”

  “Scholarship? Why are you worried about that, you have your aunt don’t you?

  Cloe looked away, “I’m uncomfortable with all that aunt does for me as it is. I don’t think I can handle her paying for my education. It isn’t her responsibility. I’m not her responsibility.”

  “What do you do in California?” Cameron continued with his inquisition.

  Cloe scrunched up her nose and looked at him to answer, “Go to school.”

  “Awww, it can’t be that bad.”

  “I wouldn’t be too sure about that,” she mumbled throwing another rock in the river, this time a little more forcibly than the one prior.

  “What else do you do?” Cameron asked.

  It was weird. She didn’t want to tell him about her fire friends and she didn’t know why. It was like that was her own world and she didn’t want to share it. She knew this was irrational and berated herself for being silly.

  “I walk on the beach, ride Bear, and go to school,” she answered evasively.

  “Don’t you have friends you hang out with?”

  Oh good grief. This was getting irritating. What was this, twenty questions? Why is everyone so curious about her? She decided the best way to avoid the question was to ask him a question.

  “Why are you so interested?”

  He seemed to think about that a moment and then returned, “You’re difficult Cloe, you seem to keep so much to yourself and you don’t volunteer anything. Besides…” he touched her cheek tenderly, “I find that I am very attracted to you.”

  She shot up off the rock, shocked.

  “You…you don’t mean that,” She stuttered and started backing up. He followed her. She would have fallen in the creek if Cameron didn’t grab her in time. He pulled her close to him.

  “Don’t be scared, Cloe, I won’t bite.” He smiled a big toothy smile that belied his words. What have she gotten herself into? She pushed against his chest and he let her go. Turning back the path they had walked she started stomping through the trees to her horse.

  “What is wrong Cloe? I thought I was picking up on some vibes between us,” he said close behind her.

  “No. I’m sorry Cameron but you’re mistaken.”

  “Why?”

  She swung around and stated, “Because I’m in love with someone else. You forgot to ask if I have a boyfriend, and I do. I should have announced it, I’m sorry but I didn’t expect you to come on to me on the day my grandmother died.”

  Cameron stopped walking staring at her, his jaw slack. She turned around again walking quickly to find the horses.

  Her horse was munching on the overgrown coastal grass when she mounted and climbed out of the creek bed to the pasture. Once in the pasture she galloped off. She was so stupid, how could she not see that coming? How could she not to tell him about Edwin? She felt ashamed and dirty.

  When she got back to the house Cameron had almost caught up to her. She quickly dismounted and led the horse to the stables. She was taking off the tack when Cameron came in. He touched her arm. She jerked away.

  “I’m sorry Cloe, I didn’t know. Please forgive me. I don’t want this to ruin your trip here.”

  She blew out her breath, “It’s okay Cameron. You guys have been super allowing to me to stay here and take care of my situation. It’s greatly appreciated to have allies.” She turned around to work on the tack some more.

  Cameron started working on taking the tack of his horse when he said, “You seem so different Cloe. I remember seeing you after your grandfather died. You were so pale and skinny and you always kept your head down. I tried to talk to you but you weren’t talking to anyone. Everyone was worried. When your grandmother went to live in the nursing home no one knew what to do. That was the time my father died and we were in a bind or we would have taken you in. None of us thought CPS would send you to your parents. Obviously that didn’t work out too well, as everyone predicted. Now that you are living with your Aunt Claire, you look fantastic.”

  She stopped brushing for a moment, thinking back to her grandfather’s funeral, to all that had transpired. “Thanks Cameron. It has been difficult at times but Edwin and Aunt have helped me through some tough times. I’m still not well but maybe one day I will be.” She set down the harness and walked over to Cameron, placing her hand on his arm, “I’m sorry to hear about your father. I should’ve known but I guess I was so self absorbed back then that the sky could have fallen and I wouldn’t have known about it.”

  “No, it’s okay Cloe, it happened a long time ago. You’ve had enough going on at the time so don’t feel bad about it.”

  She nodded, picked up a curry-comb and began brushing out the red roan horse that was aptly named strawberry.

  By the time she got into the house she was exhausted. She took a shower and went straight to bed. No one asked questions or bothered her and she was very thankful.

  Before California I spent most of my life dreaming of Texas. The open skies, the hot air, that wonderful smell of horse. I dreamed of a life that I thought I once had and somehow I forgot about all the horrors I had lived. Texas had been preferable to Germany, but now I realize it was not as perfect as I had once thought.

  – Cloe’s Diary

  Chapter 12

  A Visit to the Farm The next day Cameron had to go back to school and she had to settle the estate. Mrs. Schwertner took off from her work to drive Cloe to her grandparent’s farm.

  It was one of the hardest things she had ever had to do. The farm held bittersweet memories that only intensified when it stood looming in front of her.

  It had not aged well in her absence. Texas was known for its storms and strong winds and the farm had suffered for it. She nearly threw up seeing all the hard work she had put in the place fall to pieces in her absence. What was left was a worthless house, the land swallowing it with vegetation.

  She walked around the front porch dodging the rotted wood planks to enter the front door. Cobwebs had formed in every corner but other than that it looked exactly like the day she had left it. There was a smell of must that hung heavy in the air, which meant the roof was leaking. The roof leaked for as long as she remembered but she had kept the place clean enough to where nothing molted.

  She walked into the kitchen where she made many meals, walked through a warped door and into her tiny bedroom. It was as if she had never left and that disturbed her more.

  She remembered in Germany begging God for the chance to come back here but now she never wanted to sleep in this room again. That was enough - she wa
lked outside knowing she didn’t go in any of the other rooms, especially that back room.

  “Did you take care of what you needed?” Mrs. Schwertner asked once inside the car, on the road again.

  “I guess so,” Cloe answered more upset then she thought she would be. The place evoked bad memories, memories she’d sooner forget.

  After the visit to the farm, they went to the funeral home to make funeral arrangements. Cloe’s only requirement was that it happened quickly so she could get home and was profoundly relieved that her grandmother had already made arrangements for her funeral shortly after her husband had died. Cloe didn’t have to make any tough decisions and the money wasn‘t an issue since her grandparents bought a funeral package years ago. Mrs. Schwertner seemed relieved as well. The funeral was Wednesday, one day away.

  Once again when she arrived at Schwertner’s ranch, she sat on the same rocking chair on the front porch and looked at the massive fields of cattle grazing. It was amazing how similar it was to the ocean.

  When the breeze blew through the open long grass, it looked like waves coming into the shoreline. The cowbirds would dip down the same as seagulls, instead of dolphins splashing, cows moved as they ate and played. Funny how two places were so different yet had so many similarities.

  After a while of watching, Mrs. Schwertner came and sat next to her. She didn’t say anything but seemed as content as her to watch the cows munch.

  The silence stretched for several moments. Cloe was felling raw and drained. She wanted to think about something besides her sad past.

  “How did you know my aunt?” Mrs. Schwertner turned toward her, “We went to school together, grew up together. Two peas in a pod, we were.” She smiled and continued, “She lived with us for a while too, after her mother passed.”

  I decided to ask about my mother. Maybe with some information about her she could understand her better.

  “Did you know her mother well?” Mrs. Schwertner laughed, “Oh honey, everyone knew your mother. She was the most popular girl in the school and the most indulged by her parents. She was the oldest and could do no wrong.” Wow, no wonder she never wanted anything to do with Cloe, she was one of the popular kids.

  Mrs. Schwertner sat back and rocked in the chair with a smile on her face remembering the past, “She was beautiful,” She spared her a look, “Like you, you look a lot like her, you know?” No, she didn’t know. The woman in Germany was aged and ugly. Cloe didn’t want to be anything like her mother but she couldn’t say that. Mrs. Schwertner continued on, “The problem with Cassandra was that she was used to getting everything and Claire was always left in the shadows. Their mother favored Cassandra and was very critical to Claire. I didn’t understand it. Claire was smart and beautiful too. It was unjustly done and Cassandra became horrible because of it. Your father was very popular too, but very bad. He, too, was spoiled and the results got him kicked out of school. Of course every girl wanted the bad boy Scott and by God Cassandra was going to win him. And did she too! Nine months later you were born. We were all raised that this was unacceptable, so it was basically a shotgun wedding. What none of thought they would do is leave you behind while they did and do whatever they do. That’s why we were shocked when CPS sent you to live with them. They abandoned you! I was outraged and I called your aunt. Do you know she was clueless of what you had gone through? She searched and searched for you.”

  Cloe sat looking out in the distance for a moment realizing she owed a great deal to Mrs. Schwertner. If it wasn’t for her intervention she would still be in Germany, possibly abandoned again by the two most selfish people in the world. She then turned to Mrs. Schwertner and said sincerely, “Thank you for explaining it to me, you don’t know how much I needed to know.” She became uncomfortable with the emotions rolling inside and rose to go inside.

  Later, when Carmon came home from school, they rode the fields again. They didn’t converse but galloped hard and fast. The freedom was fantastic. It didn’t replace the ache of missing Edwin but for a few moments she could forget everything. She could forget her selfish jerk parents, her mean and uncaring grandparents, Britney and all her cronies were gone, taken away by the wind as she galloped into nothingness.

  Memories that I have worked so hard to suppress sometimes swallow me whole. I want to push them back down into my already ailing stomach but like all evil it has ways to secrete through the tiniest pours and escape its confines. – Cloe’s diary.

  Chapter 13 The Nightmare That night she had a nightmare for the first time in a very long time. She really didn’t suffer from nightmares anymore since moving to California. However, sometimes things would force their way back up forcing you to deal with them. This nightmare was a memory that she had spent years trying to forget but with her grandmother’s death, it surfaced quickly and violently.

  She was back at the farmhouse before her grandfather died scrubbing dishes after dinner. Grandfather had locked himself in his room again. Grandmother didn’t seem to let it bother her that Grandfather was deeply depressed. Even at 13, she knew he was depressed. After finishing everything up she checked on him as she done every single night of her life. She knocked on the door but when there was no answer she cracked it open saying his name quietly.

  “Cloe? What do you want?” he answered with his usual gravely voice. She took the question as permission to open the door further. The stench from the room was overwhelming but she had learned not to breathe too deeply. He was lying on his bed watching a favorite western movie again. Cigar smoke made the room hazy and further emphasized the staleness.

  “Do you need anything else for the night Grandfather?” she had asked.

  “NO, Get the hell out! I didn’t tell you

  to come in!” He yelled, his leathery skin

  crinkling around the mouth and eyes showing his

  displeasure.She backed out. Grandfather had been

  like this since the accident at the worksite. He

  had lost his left foot, which rendered him

  useless. They forced him into early retirement

  and since then he locked himself in his room,

  never going anywhere, always edgy. When she took

  her concerns to her grandmother, she shrugged it

  off. She said that she preferred her work-aholic husband to be at home for the first time in

  their entire marriage. Cloe couldn’t understand

  why, all they did is bicker.

  Cloe had walked back out into the living

  room and began straightening it up when just

  moments later she heard a large boom from a shot

  gun that was so close it rattled the pictures off

  the wall slamming them to the floor. Instinct

  had her dropping to the ground, covering her head

  with her arms. When there was nothing but

  silence, she stumbled up and ran into the back

  room fearing what she was going to find. When she

  opened her grandfather’s door, she fell to her

  knees and immediately lost her dinner. Her

  Grandfather shot himself in his head. She vaguely

  remembered Grandmother was behind her screaming

  and screaming then she kicked and hit Cloe over

  and over again. She said it was all Cloe’s fault,

  that if she hadn’t bothered him he wouldn’t have

  done it. She repeated over and over again how it

  was her fault. Cloe’s fault.

  She woke up with sweat and tears rolling down

  her cheeks. Peering through the darkness she

  wiped her eyes to see the digital clock on the

  nightstand read 3am, it would be 1am in

  California. She didn’t care. She picked up her

  phone and called Edwin. He answered sleepily,

  “Cloe? Is something wrong?”

  “I…” She swallowed trying to calm herself to

  speak. “I’m not
sleeping well, I needed to hear

  your voice.”

  “Oh Cloe, I should come and get you right

  now. I don’t like you being there by yourself.” “It‘s okay. I visited the farm, I didn’t

  know it bring back memories I thought I had gotten rid of. Oh Edwin, my Grandfather shot himself, it was my fault.” and she sobbed. He

  was silent for a moment.

  “Why do you think it is your fault?” “My grandmother said if I hadn’t disturbed

  him after supper then wouldn’t have done it. She

  said I was a financial strain on them and had

  been for a long time. That if I had died instead

  of him, he would still be alive.”

  “Oh Cloe, that was unfair of your

  grandmother. You know this don’t you?”

  “Yes, intellectually I do, but I was only

  13 and I believed her then. I still feel it is

  my fault.”

  “Cloe, it’s not your fault. When someone

  chooses to end their life it is for purely

  selfish reasons. Your grandmother was distraught

  and you were the only thing that she could blame.

  It was unforgivable for her to treat her

  granddaughter the way she did. I’m so sorry,

  darling. I’ll come and get you Cloe. I don’t

  care about my obligations. I’ll come and get you

  in the morning.”

  “No Edwin, you can’t. The funeral is

  tomorrow and I meet with the lawyers on Thursday.

  Just talking to you helps but please just let me

  work this out. Maybe this will turn a page for

  me.”

  “Cloe, you’re the strongest person I know.

  I want to come and get you but if you tell me no,

  then I’ll understand. Just promise me that if

  you want to come home, you’ll let me know first.

  Okay?”

  “I promise. Thank you. I’m feeling a lot

  better now. I am sorry I called do late.” “No, don’t worry sweetheart. I miss you

  something terrible and anytime I can hear your

  voice is a joy. I love you Cloe, don’t ever