Sand dollar
Page 28
Aunt got closer, told her to try to breathe slowly. She was listening but it wasn’t working. A second later a paper bag was thrust into her hands and placed over her mouth. After a minute she realized she could breathe.
Then she started crying uncontrollably. Aunt moved out of the way and Edwin replaced her. He put his arms around her and whispered something she couldn’t understand. But whatever it was, it was working.
She finally calmed down, breathed in and out slowly. Edwin asked, “What happened Cloe, please talk to me, what caused that?”
She looked up at the bags pointing shakily at them, “What did I do wrong?” she sobbed, another bout of crying consuming her.
Aunt crouched down, “Honey, you didn’t anything wrong, do you think I am sending you away?”
Cloe nodded. Edwin must have remembered what her parents had done because he said, “Oh God, No, Love, we are going on vacation, you aren’t being abandoned again.” He looked up at aunt and said, “I forgot, her parents, they just packed her bags and left a plane ticket.”
“So I’m not leaving here?” Cloe asked shakily.
“Well not permanently silly,” Aunt answered.
Oh. Her fear was replaced by absolute humiliation. Disengaging from Edwin, she rose on wobbly legs and made her way to the closet. Her hands were crossed defensively in front of her as she stared blankly at her remaining clothes. Why did she have to be so damaged? Couldn’t she just be normal for once? Tears and mortification blended and burned down her cheeks. Edwin walked in and put his arms around her but she stepped away. Turned around to face him.
“Why do you put up with me?!” She demanded angrily, “I’m broken, I don’t think I’ll ever fix. No matter how I try, I can’t seem to be normal. Why do you want that? Why do you waste your time with someone who’s this pathetic!” She pounded her chest with her fist. “You can have anyone!” He moved closer and touched the tears coming down her cheeks.
“Don’t you understand? I’m broken too Cloe. I have a father who is so career driven that the only way I could get his attention was to work in the industry, even though innately I’m a shy person. My mother was an alcoholic and killed herself when I was 8. After that my father has married every bimbo in the county and I swear their IQ combined is lower than a goldfish. No one has hugged or touched me either. But then I see you and all that you have gone through and I amazed that you even let me near you. You give me so much that I need. I don’t see you as broken. I see you as someone who has so much more than the rest of society. I see someone who I can’t ever see myself living without. You fix me, Cloe. You fix me.” He pulled her to him, she laid her head on his chest.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that I have panic attacks? That I have to spend days in the hospital because of my stomach?” She asked her voice somewhat muffled from his shirt.
“No, I don’t want you to hurt and I want to fix everything that’s wrong. But I love who you are. One day you won’t have to worry about stomach aches or panic attacks but even if you do, I’ll always be here, right here for you,” he said sincerely.
She nodded. He leaned down and kissed her gently on her forehead. Then he said, “Aunt and I decided that we would spend Christmas in a cabin in the mountains. We both want a white Christmas and time away. We wanted to surprise you, but obviously it was ill planned.”
“I hate surprises,” She mumbled.
So, Okay, I didn’t want to go anywhere near snow, I didn’t want anything to do with Christmas, but I would do anything for my aunt and Edwin. Therefore I will paste a smile on my face and endure.
– Cloe’s Diary.
Chapter 25
Christmas in the Mountains She loathed snow and she hadn’t even seen any yet. They loaded all her bags and Aunt’s bags into a large suburban she had never seen before but really didn’t care where it came from. She wasn’t feeling particularly happy about leaving the beach. People came to beach during the winter for goodness sake, to escape the snow!
They drove what felt like years up into the mountains. She gazed out the window watching the scenery change and the mountains grow. She hadn’t seen mountains like these before, even in Germany. Her life revolved around school and the dank apartment, she never noticed anything more than that.
She had also experienced a white Christmas before but it wasn’t anything to be celebrated. In fact it was indistinguishable from any other day she shared in that tiny German apartment. Thankfully her parents had disappeared again and she was alone, which she thought was a great Christmas present.
When they finally arrived at the “cabin” she laughed out load. It wasn’t small cabin, more like a huge mansion, and the only thing that might have classified it as a cabin was that the walls were made of logs. She didn’t say a word though. Obviously Aunt and Edwin had a twisted idea of what a cabin was.
They ascended the three stairs leading through the double hung aged wood doors into the largest room she imagined a ski lodge would envy. Her jaw dropped. There was a fire blazing and a huge Christmas tree set up. It would make sense if they were entering a ski lodge but knew better. There were even presents under the tree.
She looked up to Edwin and asked, “Are we intruding on someone’s Christmas?” He shook his head and laughed. “I arranged for someone to prepare for our arrival,” he explained.
She smelled food being cooked and what might have been apple pie. Edwin took her bags up stairs as she wandered around gaping like a tourist. She found her way into what looked like a professional kitchen to find an older lady cooking a meal. She was going to ask her something but Aunt pulled her out of there.
“The deal is that you are to do no cooking while on vacation. You do that enough and this is your time to just relax and enjoy Edwin.” She escorted her back to the gathering room by the fire.
When Edwin came to join them, he looked absolutely drop-dead handsome. Her heart filled up and overflowed. Aunt sighed romantically, then commented, “If I could find someone who looked at me the way he looks at you, maybe I would give love a try again.” Cloe smiled sadly at aunt and made a mental note to help her as her aunt had helped her.
Edwin touched Cloe’s cheek. “You have no idea what it means for me to spend Christmas with you and see you standing here looking at me like you do.” He reached down and kissed her. It never got old, it always sent her heart racing and she never wanted him to stop, she wanted him with her forever.
Later they ate a delicious meal and settled by the fire. There was a television here but they ignored it. One day she would have to take the time to watch Edwin’s show. For some reason she hadn’t been able to bring herself to so. She knew that he had girlfriends and make-out scenes and somehow she just knew if she ever had to watch one of those she would end up throwing up. So she avoided it until she could rationalize that it was just acting or maybe if she could ever bring herself to be secure in their relationship.
She still didn’t understand why Edwin picked her. There were so many beautiful unbroken girls who would do anything to have Edwin look at them and yet he picked some loser who couldn’t even look at packed bags without having a panic attack. She didn’t know if she would ever get it.
They were reading books quietly when she glanced up and noticed it had begun to snow outside. She walked to a great big window and looked at the fat fluffy flakes fall. It was not the first time she had seen snow, but it was the first time she could actually enjoy it. In Germany when it snowed it meant a very cold walk, the cheap apartment walls seeped the moister and cold, and she could never get warm. She hated it with a passion. Her feet would hurt so bad that sometimes she worried she would never be able to use them again. Now, inside a warm room, she could enjoy it. She didn’t have to go outside.
Edwin stepped beside her and we watched it silently together. He put his arm around her and she rested the back of her head on his shoulder.
“In England we get a good amount of snow. I miss it in California. It isn’t Christmas if it is 70 d
egrees outside.” She grinned. Sometimes she would catch a little boy in him and it made her love him all that more. He wanted Christmas to be white, with stockings and Santa Claus. She never had that. Not even once, but somehow she wanted what Edwin wanted. She wanted the Christmas every retail store tried to emulate.
“This is the first time I can remember being happy that it’s snowing,” Cloe said, “I used to hate it but now I see the magic. We are having a white Christmas Eve, and that’s so special.” He turned her around, kissed her for a long moment. But a camera flash interrupted them. She turned to see Aunt with a camera in her hand.
Aunt smiled, “It’s about time you had some pictures of being a couple.”
Cloe smiled up at Edwin then disengaged from him to look at the picture on the digital camera screen. It was shocking. It looked as if they belonged together, as if they were made for each other, and they fit perfectly. She had imagined when our friends saw them together that they saw a beautiful Edwin with a dowdy girl. In this picture they looked…perfect. Edwin stared at the picture, a smile playing around his mouth. She searched his eyes and came to the conclusion he thought the same thing.
When it was time for bed, Everyone made their way up the large staircase. Aunt split off to walk toward the other end of the huge cabin. She and Edwin walked into a room that had to be the largest bedroom she had ever seen. Her entire beach house could probably fit inside this one room. At the entry she raised one eyebrow at Edwin and he laughed softly as he guided her in. The room had powdered blue walls and large Cherry furniture. The largest bed she had ever seen sat in the center with a canopy of the same powder blue. The antique furniture, the entire room was gorgeous, as if it was fresh from the pages of a designer magazine.
Edwin walked her over to the bathroom where she saw a tub that could only be described as a small swimming pool. He kissed her neck from behind while he reached to unbutton her pants. No matter how many times Edwin and her had been together, she was still shy and nervous. She always thought he would find her lacking. Edwin, however, never seemed to find her lacking. When he had divested her of her pants his hands pushed her shirt up and over her head. She turned around a pushed his sweater up and over taking his undershirt along with it. When he kissed her mouth, every doubt went away. He pulled her bra off and started running his thumbs over her nipples. She thought she was going to die. Edwin started walking her backward toward the tub where he fumbled to turn on the water. At this point he could be putting her in a boiling pot to cook her for dinner and she wouldn’t care.
After their bath, she had never felt better and then she had never felt so afraid in all her life. It occurred to her that we didn’t use any protection for the first time in our entire relationship.
They toweled off and as she was about to walk out to find some clothes, Edwin pulled her to him and said, “You are quiet, are you okay? I didn’t hurt you or anything?”
“No, you didn’t hurt me. I am a little worried though.”
“Why?”
“We didn’t use protection.”
He blinked a few times and then put his hand on her belly.
“I should be panicking right now but I’m not.”
“Edwin, it’s irresponsible. I…we are too young.”
“Yeah, I know. We will be more careful in the future. I promise. Besides aren’t you on birth control?” She nodded but it didn’t fix the fact they didn’t use a condom. You can never be too careful.
She climbed into the large bed that made her feel like a tiny pea. Edwin joined her a few minutes later and soon they were asleep.
It was too bright, she thought. Everything was too bright. She tried to open her eyes again but it was if someone was shining a flashlight inn her eyes. She threw her arm over her eyes and moaned. She heard Edwin chuckle. She peeked at him grinning. “Merry Christmas,” he said cheerfully and she mumbled “Bahhhumbug .” He laughed again.
When she was finally able to open her eyes without being blinded, she noticed that the brightness was actually the sun reflecting off the white snow outside. It made the whole room bright. Cloe decided that she still hated snow. She stumbled out of the bed and got into the shower. The warm water soothed her. After a while she stepped out to find Edwin standing there with a towel. She smiled at him. “Voyeur.”
“Absolutely,” he answered.
Once dressed, they made our way to the staircase when Cloe heard a lot of commotion in the living room. She started down the stairs to see that Christoph, Duke, Sharon, Penelope, and Christine arguing about something, She think it was directions. She looked up at Edwin. He said, “See you don’t hate all surprises.”
She ran down the stairs “You guys came!” and hugged everyone. She was about to ask what they were arguing about when the door opened again and in walked in Kim and Cole. “Oh my God!” She exclaimed an ran to give them a hug too. “This is the best Christmas EVER!” She announced to everyone.
Cloe went over to Edwin and hugged him “Oh Edwin, this is perfect!” Cloe couldn’t believe her friends came all this way to spend Christmas with her and Edwin.
Aunt made her way down stairs shortly after and said, “Oh I am glad you all could make it.” They all sat down and just chatted about the drive, the snow, etc. When it was time to open presents, Cloe became worried because she had left everyone’s gifts at her house.
She turned to Edwin and whispered, “I didn’t bring the gifts.”
“Give me some credit Cloe, they’re here. We packed them up with your clothes,” Edwin said. Thank goodness, she thought. Everyone piled up gifts next to her which felt embarrassing. Edwin kissed her and told her it was okay, but that wasn’t the only thing that was bothering her. She didn’t want Edwin opening his gift from her in front of everyone. It was private and personal that She made specifically for him.
All her gifts were beautiful and expensive as usual. She felt that her paltry gifts were so insignificant, why did she even bother? However, everyone was so thankful of the little things she got them, it made her feel good. She tried not to think that her friends were professional actors who are used to portraying feelings that they didn’t feel.
When Edwin reached to open the gift from her, she put her hand over his and said, “If you don’t mind, could you please open it in private? It’s personal.”
He smiled sweetly and said, “I’m glad. I was hoping I would have privacy. When it comes to you, I never know where my emotions are going to take me.”
After everyone was finished with the gifts, Edwin announced that it was time for Cloe’s gift. She clinched her hands tightly. If Edwin was making a huge production out of it, she was sure it was going to be expensive and big. It would make her gift ridiculous and she already felt so indebted to him.
But what he did next was so surprising that she didn’t have time to feel embarrassed. He turned to her and then he went down on one knee. He pulled out a jewelry box and said shakily,
“Cloe, my love, I know we are both young but I also know that there will never be anyone else for me. I love you more than life itself. I refuse to live without you. Will you marry me?”
Cloe was glad she was sitting down because if she was standing, she was sure she would’ve passed out. Tears were blurring her vision and she couldn’t move. She couldn’t talk. She worked her jaw but nothing came out. She looked around and saw all the stunned faces. Obviously none of them knew. Then she slid off the chair onto her knees and reached for his face. She was trembling so bad that it was hard for her to control herself. So many emotions were rolling through her; confusion, elation, love, fear. She looked into his eyes and said, “Yes” because that was all she was capable of doing at that moment. The emotion and elation showed all over his face. He pulled her to him, kissed her, and squeezed her so hard that she thought she was going to burst. He stood up wiping moisture from his eyes and smiled at everyone who had’t moved, and all had similar shocked expressions. No one was saying anything and her aunt was in the corner crying.
No one was happy for us. She looked back up at Edwin and he just laughed. She turned to look back at her aunt who had moved closer and said, “Oh Cloe, I am so happy for you! Way too young, but still happy!” With her Aunt’s approval, everyone seemed to snap out of their shock.
Christoph came over and gave her a huge bear hug and patted Edwin on the back “Man, you continue to surprise me when it comes to this girl. I had no idea and I’m your best friend.” Kim hugged her and said, “You’re like the first person in our high school to get engaged. It’s crazy. Congrats. I am so shocked I don’t know what to say.”
Sandra answered, “Easy, you say ‘Let’s see the rock.’” Everyone all laughed. She hadn’t even looked at the ring. He gently picked up her left hand and took the ring out of the box. He placed it on her finger. The diamond was so big. Smaller diamonds swirled in an intricate design around the larger diamond. She had never seen anything like it. Sandra gasped. “Oh Edwin, that’s perfect for her. Where did you get it?”
He smiled, “It’s custom.”
Cole sat there looking dumbly at her hand and at Edwin then he said, “Well it makes my gift to Kim seem cheap.” They all busted out laughing.
As the sun set they put on music and danced. Edwin held her close all night and every so often she would notice more times than not their friends would be watching. She was engaged. She never thought would marry. Heck she thought noone on this earth could love her. She felt whole at that moment.
Late that night Edwin and her made it back to our super sized suite where he opened her gift. She had taken everything she had collected through the summer and put it together in a book. She had painted pictures and drawn sketches to go along with the items. It seemed so stupid when he opened it that she wanted to cry. But when he looked up his eyes shone with unshed tears, “I had no idea that you kept all this from the very beginning, you have no idea how much this means to me.” He dropped his head and said, “You don’t how many times I have doubted that you felt even a quarter of what I have felt for you. I figured that if you loved me just a little, I could love you the rest. When you give me something like this, it shows that just maybe your love is as significant as mine.”