by Talia Jager
A few minutes of silence passed. “Connor?”
“Yeah?”
“Maybe I should have the surgery. It would either make me better or make me a vegetable and you can leave me there.”
“Stop it!” he shouted. “I can’t take hearing that from you. I love you, Teagan. Kate loves you. Get that through your head! It was just a glass,” he yelled and then he pulled me close to him and started sobbing. After a few minutes, he let go and smiled. “I’m sorry I yelled. I just want you to understand.”
I nodded speechless.
He took the towel off my hand. The cut was still bleeding. “I don’t know if it needs stitches. Kate?”
She sat on the floor next to me too and looked at my hand. “I think it’s okay. I’ll get the gauze and we’ll wrap it up. If it keeps bleeding, then we’ll go to the ER.” She got up and came back with the gauze. I let her wrap up my hand. “You’re quiet.” She laughed. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this quiet.”
I smiled, but still didn’t say anything. They helped me up and we went to the living room. “Do you want to finish the game?” Connor asked.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
So, we played and I won.
* * *
I was feeling better a few days later. I had gotten back online and talked to my friends. School was going good. I did well on my test, handed in my paper a day early and had a good discussion in English on the book we read.
On Wednesday, Maddie and I talked right before homeroom. “Some of us are going to the movies on Friday night, do you want to come with us?”
I smiled. “Thanks, that’s really nice. But, I can’t.”
“Oh, why not?”
“I am not allowed to go out.” I shrugged.
“Really? Even with us there?”
“It would be different if you were around when I have the big seizures. But, you’ve never seen them, you’ll be surprised how it looks when it happens to someone you know,” I tried to explain. “It’s just not something Connor would go for right now.”
“Connor? What about your parents?”
“They died a few months ago.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t tell. I live with Connor and Kate now.”
“Well, maybe someday.”
“Maybe.”
Chapter Seven
Friday came. It had been a good week. Mandi had asked if she could come over and hang out after school on Friday. Kate said it would be fine. She was glad I was making friends. It had been a long time since I had had a friend over.
The last bell rang and I got what I needed out of my locker. It was Kate’s turn to pick me up. I was walking out with Mandi, Maddie, and Brad. We were heading out the door and all of a sudden I felt dizzy and hot. I grabbed Mandi’s arm. She looked over, her eyes widened. “What?”
Things were fading fast. “Get… Kate.”
“Teagan?”
I tried to lower myself to the ground before everything went black.
* * *
I stirred. I could hear Kate’s voice. “It’s over, Teagan,” she said. I opened my eyes. She was sitting down with my head in her lap. I was turned on my side. I could see lots of shoes. People were standing over us.
“Connor is on his way,” Mandi said.
“Thank you,” Kate replied. “It’s okay, she’s all done, and you can go now.” I imagined all the people standing over me. I saw only some of the shoes move away even after I heard someone yelling for the kids taking buses to get on them.
“Here’s the washcloth you asked for.” The nurse handed it to Kate. I rolled onto my back and she placed the cool cloth on my forehead. “Are you sure there’s nothing I can do?”
“We’re good,” she said, stroking my hair gently.
My eyes started to focus a little more. I saw Maddie and Mandi kneeling on the floor. They were talking quietly. I couldn’t make out what they were saying.
I was feeling very tired, but I really wanted to stay alert. “Close your eyes, Honey.” Kate said.
I closed them.
Next thing I heard was Connor’s voice. “Is she okay?”
“I think so.”
I felt myself being lifted. “I’ve got you, Teagan. Let’s go home.” I opened my eyes long enough to see Connor.
* * *
I woke up in bed. It was dark. My head and body hurt. How did I get here? I sat up and moaned. I needed to get the medication in me. I made my way out of my room. I could hear soft voices talking. “Connor?” I tried to call to him. But, I didn’t have enough energy to do anything but whisper. I got to the kitchen. The sink was so far away; I didn’t think I’d make it, so I leaned up against the wall.
Kate came out of her bedroom. “She’s awake.” She came up to me and helped me to the table. “Sit down.”
Connor hurried out of his room and handed me a pill and a glass of water. “Thanks,” I whispered.
“You want to go back to bed?” he asked.
“In a minute.” I took another drink. “What happened?”
“You had a seizure at school,” Kate said. “Do you remember any of it?”
“No, nothing.”
“What’s the last thing you remember?” Connor asked.
“Getting the stuff out of my locker that I needed. Where did it happen?”
“Near the doors,” Kate said.
“Did you see it?” I asked.
She shook her head. “Mandi came and got me. You were still seizing when I got to you. You were way too weak to make it to the car so I had them call Connor to come. He carried you.”
“Were there a lot of people watching?” I asked.
She nodded. “Yeah.”
“Great.” I took another drink.
“Why don’t you go back to bed?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
They helped me back to bed and I slept while the pain medication took my headache away.
* * *
I woke up around midnight. Figures. I needed to get good sleep to avoid having seizures tomorrow. But, I wasn’t tired anymore. I decided to get online. Zander was actually still on. He sent me a message. You’re up late.
I had a seizure this afternoon. Been sleeping since.
Bummer. Where?”
School.
Oh man. Sorry to hear that.
It was bound to happen at some point. Maybe its better it happened now instead of later. Now they’ll know what to expect.
True. Are you feeling better? Haven’t heard much from you.
I know. I’m sorry. I just have a lot going on.
I turn eighteen next month, he said out of the blue.
I know. I had already gotten him a card.
I’d really like to come and see you.
I paused. He did? How are you going to manage that?
I dunno yet.
It would be nice to meet you, I told him.
We talked a little longer. Then I emailed Lainey. “I’m feeling a little better even though I had a seizure at school today. I wonder what Monday will bring? Zander told me he wants to come up and meet me. I can’t believe he really does. I don’t know how he’ll swing that. But, wouldn’t it be nice. I’m going to try and get some sleep. Talk to you soon. Teagan.”
Getting to sleep wasn’t easy. I kept thinking about Zander. I curled up in bed for a while thinking about what meeting him would be like. Would it be like we were friends or would it be awkward because we’ve never met? I finally fell back to sleep.
* * *
The next morning when I got up, nobody else was up, which meant I couldn’t shower. I sat down at the table and ate some cereal. A few minutes later, Kate walked in. “Sorry. Did I wake you?”
“No, I’ve been awake. I heard you so I figured I’d get up.” She got her cereal and sat down. “How are you feeling?”
“Better than last night.” I smiled. “Thanks Kate, for everything you did yesterday.”
�
��Of course. You don’t have to thank me. I’m just glad it was the end of the day and I was already there.”
“Did people look like they knew what to do? Or were they all just standing there?”
“I wasn’t paying too much attention to what anyone else was doing. Mandi came to get me. When I got to you, your friend, Maddie was kneeling by you. Mrs. Tavi was there by your head. Most of the other kids were just watching. The nurse got there about the same time I did. I told her to get a washcloth. I know how you like that.”
“For some reason, it helps. It cools me off, it makes it darker too.”
“I had someone call Connor. Once you stopped seizing, I put your head in my lap. You woke up a few minutes later. We just stayed there until Connor got there and he carried you to the car.”
“Maybe I should call Mandi and Maddie?”
“Whatever you want to do.”
“Can I take a shower?” I asked.
“Sure, go ahead.”
I was debating calling my friends after lunch. I was just trying to figure out what to say. My cell phone rang when I was busy, so I yelled to Kate to answer it. “Hello? Sure, hang on.”
“It’s Maddie.”
I almost told her to tell her I was sleeping, but then decided I had to deal with this now. I took the phone. “Hello?”
“Hi Teagan.”
“Hi Maddie, what’s up?”
“Not much. How are you?”
“I’m okay.”
There was an awkward silence. “I just wanted to call… I wanted to make sure you were alright.”
“Thanks. I am. I… ah… I hope I didn’t scare you too much.”
She paused, “Well, it was a little scary. I’m glad you had that assembly; otherwise I think I would have been really freaked out. I’ve never seen one before. It was… freaky. You really don’t feel any of that, ‘cause it looked like it hurt.”
“No, I don’t feel it.”
“It’s amazing.”
“I’m just amazed you’re still talking to me,” I said.
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Some people get really scared off and don’t want anything to do with me.”
“Nonsense. I’m not like that. But, I’m sure you’ll get some comments Monday.”
“Yeah. That’s what worries me.”
“Don’t let it,” she said.
We talked for a few minutes and then she said she’d meet me at the tree in the school’s front yard on Monday. I felt a lot better knowing that she would still be my friend. I talked to Mandi too, who voiced her concern for what happened and told me to be strong.
On Monday morning, I was very jittery. I didn’t want to face the people at school. I just wanted to crawl underneath the covers and stay in bed. “Remember you have an appointment with the neurologist tomorrow morning,” Connor reminded me when he dropped me off. “Maybe you could get the work you’ll miss.”
“Yeah.” That wasn’t exactly at the top of my list right then.
“You’ll do fine,” he said. “Go in there and show them you’re not afraid to come back in school. Hold your head high.”
I smiled. “Thanks.” I got out of the car and started walking towards the building. I saw Maddie up at the tree with Brad. They waved to me. “Hi,” I said, walking up to them.
“Hi,” Maddie smiled. “How ya doing?”
“Good. You ready to go in?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
A lot of people stopped talking and looked at me when I walked by. It was annoying. I knew they were talking about me. But, what could I say or do? “Ignore them,” Maddie said.
“Did you see her on Friday?” I heard someone say.
“Yeah, it was freaky.”
“Keep walking,” Maddie said. “They want you to respond. Well, the not so nice ones anyway. The other kids are just curious.”
We walked to our lockers. The locker was the last thing I remember from Friday. Mandi came up to us and gave me a hug. I smiled. “Thanks. I needed that.”
“Just remember that you are a great person and nothing nobody else says matters,” she said to me.
“Easy for you to say, Mandi. I’m the one who was flapping around like a fish on the floor.”
She giggled. “It wasn’t quite like a fish.”
I laughed. “Close enough.”
“Let’s go to homeroom,” Maddie said. “We’ll walk in together.”
“You guys are great.” I beamed. I was thrilled to have friends that cared enough to go through this with me.
The rest of the day didn’t go so bad. I got more looks and heard a few comments, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. Some of the meaner kids were flailing their arms around again. I don’t think they realized how stupid they looked! The teachers were sympathetic. Some of the kids asked more questions.
Chapter Eight
The next morning I got up and got ready. “Teagan, we’ve got to go!” Connor called.
“Coming!” I grabbed my backpack and hurried out to the car.
We drove to the doctor’s office. I liked Dr. Logan, he was a real nice guy. I saw him every few months. The office was fairly large. They had four doctors that worked together. I remember going as a child and playing in their playroom. Now, I just sat and read magazines or played on my phone.
Dr. Logan’s nurse, Beth, came out and called me in. “Coming?” I asked Connor.
“Yup.”
We both got up and followed the nurse into an exam room. “How are you?” Beth asked.
“Okay,” I answered.
“Do you have your log with you?”
“Yes, right here.” Connor handed it to her.
“Good. Let me take your vitals and I’ll give it to the doctor.” She took my blood pressure, temperature, and other vitals. Then she took the log and headed out.
We only waited about ten minutes. Dr. Logan came in with the log. “Hi Teagan, how are you?”
“Okay,” I said again.
“Connor, good to see you.”
“You too, doctor.”
Dr. Logan sat down. He had short curly hair. It was brown with a little bit of grey mixed in, making him look a lot older. He had a kind face with eyes that sparkled when he smiled and he tried to smile often. “So, I looked through the log. It didn’t look as good as it did last time. You’ve had more seizures in the past couple months then you had the time before that.” I nodded. “You are taking your medication?”
“Of course. Do you think I want all these seizures?” I asked offended.
“No, but some people do well for a while and think they can go off or get tired of taking them or hate the side effects. They just stop and that can create more seizures.”
“No, Dr. Logan, I haven’t stopped my medication. I take all of it, every day.”
“Okay, then I think it’s related to stress. Your parents’ death, moving, starting a new school are all very stressful things. I think it’s putting you at risk for more seizures. How are you feeling emotionally?” he asked.
“Depressed,” I admitted. “Nervous, anxious, sad. I could go on.”
He smiled. “I get the picture. I want to up your medications and add in an anti-depressant.”
I sighed. “Seriously?” Was I that much of a mess?
“Yes, Teagan. Stress or being emotional can cause more seizures. We don’t want more seizures, right?”
“Right.”
“So, let’s do this for a month. Then we’ll re-evaluate,” he said. “You’re still following all of your parents’ rules?”
“Yes. Connor is very strict about all of them.” I smiled.
“Good. How does she seem at home?” he asked Connor.
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“Is there anything different other than the obvious?”
“No. She’s a sweet girl. We love having her. She does seem more depressed. Many times she makes comments on how she doesn’t want to burden us. She ta
lked about having the surgery so she could either be better enough to be on her own or become a vegetable so we could leave her in the hospital.”
“Hmmm… does she seem to want to hurt herself to help you?”
Shocked, I looked over at him. “What?”
“You mean suicide?” Connor asked, seeming almost as shocked as I was.
“Yes.”
“No, I didn’t take it that way.”
“That is so not what I meant. I just hate making them stay home when they might want to go out or having to have them drive me places or not being able to go out with friends to a movie. I want to be a normal teenager.”
“I understand that, Teagan. But, it’s not safe. I would say if I could get you to go six months without a seizure, some of those things would be possible.”
“But, why couldn’t a friend come over and sit with me, we could watch a movie on TV and then they could go out.”
Dr. Logan sat back. “Well, if that friend knew what to do, I wouldn’t have a problem with that. But, your brother has say over that.” He turned to Connor. “If she has a friend you trust, that’s not an unreasonable request. It would be good for you too.” He looked down through my file. “I also want to get another EEG and MRI. I’ll have the nurse bring in your new prescriptions.”
“Okay.” I sighed.
“How do you really feel about the surgery?”
“Scared.”
“Do you want more information on it?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to be worse.”
“We can do the brain mapping. If we do that and it’s in an area that you don’t want to have surgery in, we don’t have to. If it’s in an area that will be okay, we could do it.”
“I can look into that.”
“Okay.” He stood up. “I’ll be back.” He walked out the door.
I started biting my nail. “What’s wrong?” Connor asked.
“I’m getting worse,” I said.
“It’s just stress. It’ll get better again.”
“I hope you’re right.”
Beth came back in with the prescriptions, the orders for the tests and some information on brain mapping. They could actually do the tests there in the building. They went ahead and did the MRI while we were there. They always left appointments open for that. But, I’d have to go back sometime next week for the EEG. I’d actually wean off my medications a little bit for the EEG. I hated that. As much as I hate having to take medication, my life was a hundred times worse when I weaned off for the tests.
We drove to the pharmacy and filled the prescriptions. The pharmacists went over all the side effects and what to do with Connor. Then we went home. At bedtime, I had more pills to take. I picked up the new one and studied it, “So you’re supposed to make me happier?” I said to the pill. “Well, let’s see what you’ve got.” I swallowed it down.