by Talia Jager
A week after I had the EEG, they called to say that everything was the same. I didn’t expect it to change, so it didn’t surprise me. It had always been the same. I hadn’t looked at the brain mapping information yet. It sat on my dresser, waiting to be read, but I was still too scared.
The days passed, the anti-depression medication did help. I wasn’t so down and upset all the time. I wasn’t so anxious. Even the number of seizures went down just a little.
Chapter Nine
Fall was upon us and with it the smell of burning leaves. It brought back so many memories of helping Dad rake up the colorful leaves in the backyard and then we’d all take turns jumping in the heaping pile. Once we were done, he’d burn them, while I watched.
Just last year, Dad and I had sat on the picnic table while the leaves burned, talking. He would pass on stories that his grandparents had told him. I loved to hear all the stories about the old country. If only I had known that was going to be our last fall together.
I was hanging out with Maddie and Mandi a lot. Connor and Kate started to get to know them. They finally trusted us to stay home while they went out. I convinced them to go to dinner and a movie for their anniversary. The girls came over. They brought a couple movies and Connor ordered pizza for us.
Before we left, he sat us all down, “I don’t want to embarrass you, Teagan. I just want everyone to know the rules.” I nodded. “First, these are our cell phone numbers, the doctor’s number, and the medication list. If she has a tonic-clonic seizure, call us. Remember not to hold her down or try to stop her, just move stuff away from her head.
“When she’s done, just stay with her until I get home. Don’t let her get up. You don’t need to call 911 unless it’s over five minutes or she has another one immediately afterwards. Then call them too. The absence seizures you don’t need to worry about.” He paused.
“I ordered pizza. Teagan cannot use the stove or the oven. She cannot shower or take a bath without someone knowing. She cannot be alone in the house ever. She cannot have alcohol or any other drug, not even an over the counter drug without doctor permission. She cannot drive. She cannot swim without someone with her. Same with rollerblading, bike riding or any activity like that. I want you girls to know this so if you’re here and you’re with her without us being here, you know what she cannot do.”
I felt myself blushing. I knew they needed to know this stuff, but it was still embarrassing. “Do you girls have any questions?” Kate asked.
“No, I think we got it,” Mandi said.
“Okay, we’ll get out of your hair then.” Connor smiled. I walked them to the door. “You sure about this?” he asked.
“Yes. It’ll be good for all of us. Thank you.”
He tousled my hair. “Be good.”
“I will,” I shut the door behind him. I went back into the living room.
“You really can’t cook?” Maddie asked.
“Not on the stove,” I answered.
“Wow. That would be nice though, not having to cook for your husband, for your kids,” she paused. “Can you have kids?”
“Yeah. It’s the medication that’s bad to take during pregnancy. I’d probably have to risk it. I don’t know if I’ll ever have them though.”
“Why not?” Mandi asked.
I shrugged. “First of all, what guy would want to marry me? Second, if someone did, and the baby survived, I’d never feel safe about holding her. What if I had a seizure and dropped her?”
“I guess I didn’t think of that. There must be a way. Don’t people with epilepsy have babies?”
“Sure, but most of them probably have better control over their seizures, I don’t.”
“So, they don’t let you cook because you could have a seizure?” Maddie was trying to understand.
“Yup. I could fall into the stove or take down a hot pan on top of me. It’s all safety things.” I told them about the seizure I had in the shower and some examples of other things that could happen.
“Wow, sorry to keep asking you questions. I guess it’s interesting stuff… when you don’t have to live with it. I’m sure it’s not interesting to you.”
“Gets kind of boring, I guess.” I shrugged. “So what movies did you bring?”
She showed me the movies and we picked one and popped it in. We ate the pizza Connor had ordered. We had a really good time giggling over the movie. After the first movie was over, I got out the ice cream and we dug in while watching the second movie. When that one was done, we cleaned up and sat around talking some more.
“So, now that we’re friends, can I ask more personal questions?” Maddie asked.
I looked at her and laughed. “I guess. As long as they’re not going to leave the room.”
She clutched her chest. “I’m hurt.” She started laughing. “Come on, I’m not a gossiper.”
“Okay, then.”
“Have you ever had a boyfriend?”
“No.” I shook my head.
“So, you’ve never kissed anyone?”
“Nope.”
“Not even at your last school?”
“I didn’t go to school.”
“You didn’t what?”
“My parents home schooled me because of the seizures.”
“Wow… no wonder you were so nervous about starting school. Why didn’t you just tell me all this stuff?” she asked.
“I had no idea if you’d end up being a nice person or just nice enough to volunteer as a buddy and then be all stuck up. After a few days, I decided that everyone needed to know about my epilepsy rather than keep it a secret. Just in case.”
She nodded. “I guess I understand that.”
Connor and Kate came back before midnight. They looked so happy. Refreshed. I felt good that they got out. “See, I’m still alive,” I teased.
“I see that. How did it go?”
“Very good,” Mandi answered. “She only had a couple seizures, during the movie.”
I looked over at her. “I did?”
“Yup. I’m getting good at noticing them.” She smiled.
“Good,” Connor said.
“How was your night?” I asked them.
“Wonderful. You were right, Teagan. It was nice to get out together.”
“Good, I will plan on you letting this happen more often.”
He laughed. “Maybe.”
I said goodnight to my friends and hugged Connor. “Thank you.”
“You are very welcome,” he smiled.
“I’m going to get ready and go to bed.”
“Okay.”
Once I was in bed, I heard Connor and Kate go to their room.
Chapter Ten
As fall and its colors faded, a crisp cold swiftly took its place. The day after Thanksgiving, Christmas lights started popping out all over town. Ironically, snowflakes filled the air that day, making everyone even jollier than normal. It used to be a happy time, but this year it was a very sad time in our family.
Our parents had the most wonderful Christmases. It was always so warm and loving in the house. We’d all go chop down a tree, decorate, sing carols, and just love being together. Christmas Eve would bring church, story telling, and a taste of the Christmas Day to come. And then there was Christmas Day, the most wonderful day of the year.
My mom was like a little kid. She would wake us up and we’d all rush downstairs to see what Santa had left, even long after we knew about Santa. Dad would light a fire in the fireplace, Mom would make hot cocoa and we’d open our presents. We’d get to play a while and we always talked to family in Ireland before having a huge Christmas dinner. I remember how glad Mom was when Kate came to dinner; she was thrilled to have one more person to feed.
I only had one tonic-clonic seizure on a Christmas Day. It was when I was twelve. Mom didn’t let it ruin anything. The rest of present opening was suspended until I was awake again. I spent the day on the couch. Mom made sure I enjoyed every minute I could.
“I don’t care. I don’t want to celebrate it.” I closed the door.
He threw it back open. “I know you are hurting. I am too. Don’t you think I want Mom and Dad to be here? Don’t you think I need them too? Christmas was Mom’s favorite holiday. She would be crushed if we didn’t celebrate it. Let’s honor her and have a Christmas.”
I started sobbing. “But… it makes it more real… I keep thinking that Mom wouldn’t leave us for Christmas…”
“She didn’t. She’s here. She’s in my heart and she’s in your heart.”
Connor and Kate went to get a tree, I stayed in the car. They decorated it and the house. They put on Christmas music and I even saw them dancing to it.
On Christmas Eve, I refused to go to church, but Connor wouldn’t have it. “Teagan Kavanagh, I am going and Kate is going and that means you are going. Don’t make me drag you. You don’t have to be happy about it, but you are not ruining it for us.”
I pouted. “Okay.”
So, I went with them. I knelt down before God and told Him how mad I was that He took my mom and dad. I told Him how I hated Him for it. Then I told Him how mad I was about my epilepsy. “How could You do this to me? First You give me this horrible disease and then You take away my parents?” I yelled in my head. “Now, my poor brother is stuck with me. Why me? Why them?” Tears poured down my face.
Suddenly, I felt warm and fuzzy. It was almost like an aura, but it wasn’t. It was Mom. I felt Mom. I heard her voice, “I love you, Teagan,” she said. “Trust in the Lord with all thy heart,” she whispered. As quickly as the warmness came, it was gone.
Connor leaned over. “Are you okay?”
I nodded unable to say anything. God had listened. My mother had spoken. I bowed my head and prayed for forgiveness.
When we got home, I went to the stereo and turned on a Christmas carol. “Teagan, it’s late.”
“Just give me a minute, Connor.” He nodded and they sat down.
I played “O Holy Night”. It was a song my mother used to love to hear me sing. The lights were all off but the tree. And I sang. I sang like I had never sung before.
When I was done, I turned it off and sat down. Connor and Kate both had tears in their eyes. “Forgive me for my ill feelings this past month. I just… I missed Mom and Dad and I figured Christmas couldn’t happen without them. But, I was wrong. God showed me that tonight.”
Connor and Kate exchanged looks. “Did you have a seizure tonight?”
“No Connor, I felt Mom. I heard her. She told me that she loved me and she told me to trust in God.” I smiled through my tears. “So, I will see you in the morning.”
* * *
Morning came. I smiled when I woke up, remembering the night before. I felt somehow peaceful. Like Mom was there. That she was watching. Maybe she still held my hand when I had a seizure. Part of me just knew she had to be watching over me somehow. She was always doing that and now I knew death couldn’t stop her. I got up and slowly walked into the living room. I didn’t want to wake Connor or Kate if they weren’t up. The tree was beautiful and the presents filled the space underneath.
Like a child, I peeked in my red stocking, hoping it was full. I smiled as I found it filled with candy. Connor would carry on Mom’s traditions as long as he could. If he had children, he would pass them on. Mom and Dad would live on in those traditions and in the stories we told.
Feeling peaceful was wonderful. It didn’t make me miss them less, but it made me feel better. I felt them and that’s what I needed.
I sat on the couch until my brother came out of his room. “Teagan! Why didn’t you wake us up?”
“I didn’t want to wake you,” I answered. “It’s Christmas. You deserve to sleep in a little bit.”
He chuckled. “Well, thank you.” He walked over and gave me a big hug, “Merry Christmas, little sis.”
“Merry Christmas to you too. I love you,” I told him.
“I love you, too.”
Kate walked out and yawned. “Good morning!”
“Merry Christmas, Kate.” I got up and gave her a big hug.
She smiled. “Merry Christmas to you too, Teagan.”
Connor made hot chocolate just like Mom would have. We sat in the living room and opened our presents. It was a wonderful Christmas morning. I really felt my parents there. Connor made it as perfect as it could be.
Kate’s parents had invited us for dinner. I dreaded going. I was scared I would have a seizure in front of everyone. They weren’t just having us. Her brother, his wife and daughter would be there as well as Kate’s aunts, uncles, and cousins. I had met many of them. They all knew about my epilepsy. But, knowing about it and seeing a tonic-clonic seizure were two totally different things.
I sat on my bed thinking about ways to get out of going, but I knew there weren’t any options. I couldn’t stay home; there was nobody to babysit. I couldn’t go somewhere else, there were no invitations. I sighed, knowing I had to go. I had to do this for them. I had to enjoy the night. I finished putting on my make-up just as the phone rang.
“Teagan! Grandma is on the phone!” Connor called.
I picked up another phone and got to talk to all my relatives over in Ireland. They told us how much they loved us and missed us and begged us to go visit. “We’ll pay for it,” Papa said.
“I know, Papa. It’s just the timing right now. Maybe this summer or next. With work and being married it’s much harder to go on vacation.”
“I know,” Papa said. “I just want to give you all a squeeze. We miss you so much. Teagan, why don’t you come for a while? Then Connor you could come and get her?”
“She can’t do that, Papa. She can’t go alone.”
“You sound just like your mother. She overprotected that child.”
“No Papa,” I said. “Connor is right. I could have a seizure on the plane and no access to a hospital. We’d have to come together. Or you could come here.”
He scoffed. “America, such a dream of your parents. Look where they ended up.”
“Stop it,” Grandma scolded him. “Maybe we will come visit. We’ll see. In the meantime, you two have a wonderful Christmas and take care of each other. We love you.”
My grandparents hated the fact that my parents came here to start a new life. They missed them horribly. Now, they were dead and left us behind. My grandparents had begged me to go live there, but I knew the access to hospitals, specialists, medication would be limited, so I didn’t go.
A few minutes after hanging up, we left for dinner.
Kate’s parents welcomed me with open arms as they always did. I met a few relatives I hadn’t met before. I was still very nervous that I would have a huge seizure with all these people watching.
We sat down to dinner, the savory smell of it made my mouth water. I sat next to Connor and one of Kate’s cousins. Kate’s dad said grace and then they served the meal. It looked so good. I hadn’t had a meal like this since my parents died. I missed that too.
It tasted even better than it looked. It was scrumptious. There were twenty people seated at the table. They were all talking and laughing. Having a big family would be so nice. I missed our relatives in Ireland. I didn’t know them very well, but I wanted to have this kind of big family thing all the time.
I felt something on my leg. I looked down, Connor was holding my hand. I looked over at him. He just smiled at me. I smiled back perplexed. I looked around the table; everyone was still eating and talking. I must have had a seizure. Connor must have realized it. He let go and continued eating.
After dinner, we sat around talking. Kate’s family included me in the conversation asking me about school and friends.
“So, Kate, when are you two going to have some children?” Kate’s Aunt Aideen asked.
Kate blushed. “I’m not sure.”
“Oh come on, you’ve been married for a year now. It’s time to start.”
“We’re trying to get more stable before we add children to our lives,” Kate said.
“You do want children, don’t you?” she asked.
“Yes, Aunt Aideen. We do want children,” Kate answered.
I wondered if they would have children. I wondered if they wanted to wait until I was out of the house. But, would I ever be?
We left earlier than most the others. I knew it was because of me, and I hated it. I took my medication when we got home and thanked Connor and Kate for a wonderful day.
* * *
Christmas vacation was very hard on everyone. I couldn’t be alone and they had to work. “I’ve got Monday and Tuesday,” Connor said to Kate. I could hear them from my room. “You’ve got Thursday and Friday, but neither of us can take off Wednesday?”
“I’ve got some appointments.”
“Me too.” My brother sighed.
“She hasn’t had a seizure in a while, maybe she’ll be okay,” Kate said.
“No,” I heard Connor say. “She’s not staying by herself.”
I walked into the kitchen where they were hovering over their schedules. “What about Maddie? Or Mandi?”
They looked up at me. “Your friends?”
“Yeah. Maybe they could come spend the day?” I suggested.
Connor and Kate looked at each other and nodded. “That would be very helpful. Do you think you could call them and find out?”
“Sure.” I picked up the phone.
I called both of my friends and both said they’d love to come and hang out Wednesday. Connor and Kate were relieved. I was glad I could finally do something to help them out.
Chapter Eleven
It was the end of January. I had passed my mid-term exams. My schoolwork was still easy. I didn’t let anyone know that though. It was hard enough just trying to be normal. Finding out I was smart too, that could be disastrous in high school.
I was walking with Maddie in the cafeteria. We had just gotten our lunch. Maddie and I had the same old thing; a sandwich, fruit and a drink. We spotted our usual table and headed towards it.