by Talia Jager
We had to all stand in a group and one person at a time climbed up a ladder and had to fall backwards. The rest of the group had to catch that person. So, one by one, we all did it. It was scary and yet exciting. And everybody got caught.
Next we did some problem solving type obstacle course. We had to solve it as a team. That was pretty neat too. I loved the activities they had here. We even got to play some kickball.
I was hot and sweaty and so ready to jump in the lake. We got changed and went swimming. A dock and buoys blocked off the perimeter. Counselors stood all around. There were three lifeguards on duty, ready to dive in if needed. It felt good to cool off. Mom had brought me to the YMCA for swimming lessons in case I ever needed them. I went under the water and got my hair wet. It felt so good. As I squeezed my hair, I noticed Zander watching. I blushed.
We rinsed off in the showers after swimming and got dressed again. “We have a writing session next. They have journals for us all and we just write in them,” Meg explained. “It helped me a lot when I came here; I’m hoping you all will like it too.”
They handed us all a notebook and a pen and we got writing. I wrote all about leaving home, my comfort zone and coming here. I was careful not to mention knowing Lainey or Zander before. I didn’t want anyone to get in trouble.
Looking down, I noticed Lainey was holding my hand. She was still writing in her journal with her other hand. My pen was on the table. I squeezed her hand letting her know that the seizure was over. She looked over and smiled at me. I picked up the pen again and finished writing.
As we were walking back to the cabin, Lainey asked, “Was that okay? What I did?”
I nodded. “Yeah, it was. Thank you.”
“Are you sure? I was just taking a chance that you wouldn’t hate me for it.”
I nodded. “I think it was really sweet of you to do that and I don’t mind one bit. I actually liked it.”
“Good. It’ll be our little thing in remembrance of your mother.”
After dinner, they called a few kids to the main cabin. Lainey and I were two of them. One of the top camp counselors spoke, “We called you down because you all expressed an interest in being counselors for the next session. Everyone still want to do that?” We all nodded. “Good. I have a videotape for you to watch that will start your training.”
We all sat down to watch the tape. It was about camps in general. Then it went into the epilepsy part of it. It showed an hour of footage of epilepsy camps. When the tape was done, Mr. Lambert said that we should all come back tomorrow and go through the first aid training.
We joined the rest of our group at the evening fire. Kids were roasting marshmallows and talking. It was a warm night, and I enjoyed looking up at the stars.
* * *
The next morning we got up and ready, this time I did take a quick shower. We had some different activities planned today. The nurse taught the first class about medications. It was interesting, but a little boring. I knew most of this stuff.
A couple times during the hour-long class, I would find Lainey holding my hand. Each time I realized it, I squeezed her hand and she’d let go. It was a nice, quiet gesture. I couldn’t believe how attentive she was.
The next thing we got to do was horseback riding. I was very excited about this. They had two people go on a horse at a time. Again, in case anything happened, someone was right there. It was so neat riding a horse. I felt free. I felt like I could ride to the ends of the Earth. I actually hated getting off.
Lainey and I participated in the first aid class with other kids wanting to be counselors. We learned about CPR and all the basic first aid stuff, and then they went into all the epilepsy stuff.
After that, we met up with the group again and did some normal camp stuff. One of the guys taught us how to build a good campfire. Then we got to learn how to do archery. It was all so different. My parents would have never let me do this kind of stuff.
From archery we had to walk to the mess hall for lunch. Lainey and I were talking. I noticed Zander in the distance. He was playing football with one of the kids.
Then I noticed Gabby had her hand on my shoulder and Lainey was holding my hand. I looked around and over at them. The rest of the group had stopped about ten feet ahead. I didn’t say anything, I just started walking again. I looked up and noticed Zander watching me. Had he seen it?
At the table, I rubbed my temples. “You okay, Teagan?” Meg asked.
“Yeah, just annoyed sometimes at the seizures.”
Rylee laughed. “I can relate to that.”
We ate lunch and discussed the rest of the day. Arts and crafts, swimming, sports, a science session, and another epilepsy education class were on the schedule. I had another seizure in the arts and crafts session. I almost didn’t want to go swimming. They were hitting me like crazy today. But, it was hot, so I went ahead and got wet. I did some sit-ups and played kickball again.
We were walking from the field in to the do the science exploration at one of the halls. Without warning, Lainey froze up and dropped to the ground. Her eyes rolled up. Seeing it happen in front of me was mind blowing! Here I was talking to her, laughing with her, and then she just dropped.
It was so different watching somebody else go through it. My first thought was to stop her from thrashing around. But, I knew better. “Meg!” Gabby called. Gabby had been behind us. Meg turned around and saw what was happening. “I’ll get the nurse.”
Lainey’s body jerked around as the seizure continued. I scanned the ground to make sure there were no rocks or sticks she could hurt herself on. Rylee and Peyton sat down on the grass a few feet away. It felt like forever until her body began to ease up.
The jerking slowed down and finally she stopped. Her eyes were now closed. Color returned to her face and she began breathing normally. I took her hand and held it. Meg got back with the nurse and together they rolled her on her side. A couple of the male counselors came with a stretcher to take her back to the nurse.
“Can I go?” I asked.
“She’ll be there a while, Teagan,” Meg said.
I nodded. “I know. Just for a minute, please.”
Meg nodded. “I’ll go with you.”
We followed them back to the office and watched as they transferred her to the bed. She opened her eyes. “Hey… what’s…” she mumbled some words.
I knelt down near her. I took her hand. “I know that you probably can’t hear me or if you can, you won’t remember. But, I had to let you know that I’m here, holding your hand now. They won’t let me stay though. I want to. I’m so blessed to have met you.” I squeezed her hand. She looked at me and smiled and then drifted off to sleep again.
“Come on, Teagan. Let her rest.”
I nodded. Meg and I walked to the science thing in silence. Tears ran down my face. I didn’t get too interested in the session. My mind was on Lainey. It is different watching it happen. It was scary. I just wanted to slap her and bring her out of it, even though I knew it wouldn’t work. Being here without her by my side was sad. Peyton and Rylee were really nice girls, but I truly missed Lainey.
Zander stopped me before dinner. “I heard what happened with Lainey.”
I nodded. “Yeah.” My eyes got all teary again.
“She’ll be okay.”
“I know. It’s just… seeing it. It’s different. Even having the same thing, I can’t help but want to help her. But, I can’t. There’s nothing I can do. I guess now I know what my brother feels like.” I wanted to hug Zander and hold on for good. But, people were around. I couldn’t.
“I saw you earlier.”
I nodded again. “I figured. You saw the seizure.”
“Yeah. It is different when it’s somebody you know.” He smiled. “I wish I could scoop you up and take you away.”
I smiled back. “Me too. If life was only that simple.” I blushed a little. “Did you have any luck finding someone interested in Lainey?”
/> He nodded. “Yeah, one of the guys seemed very interested. I’ll tell you about it later.”
“Okay.” I watched him get up and go back to his table.
At the campfire, I sat with Rylee and Peyton. Zander came over with his friend. “This is Owen.” He had short, light brown hair, and hazel eyes. He was good looking and I thought Lainey would approve. I hoped his personality was a match for her too.
“Hi, I’m Teagan,” I shook his hand. “How are you?”
“I’m good. How do you like it here?”
“It’s nice.” I smiled.
They sat down. Zander rubbed my back for a minute. “You doing okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Just a little sad tonight.”
“I know. So, Owen has seen Lainey and thinks she’s very pretty. He’d like to get to know her more.”
“Owen, how long have you been working here?”
“I started this year. I came as a camper the past five years.”
“Do you mind if I ask what kind of seizures you have?”
He shook his head. “Not at all. I have complex partial seizures.”
I nodded knowing a little bit about them. “Are they controlled?”
“Mostly. I have a few every year. I used to have them a lot in my sleep and a few in the daytime. Finally, we found a medication that helps.”
We talked a while longer and then headed back to our cabin. I looked at Lainey’s empty bed for a while before I fell asleep.
* * *
The next morning as I got ready to hit the bathrooms, I noticed Peyton’s fingers were twitching, and then her hand was jumping. It happened a few times in the bathroom and at breakfast and then it stopped. She seemed to be aware of it, she just couldn’t stop it.
I was eating my cereal and felt somebody plop down beside me. I looked over. Lainey had a big smile on her face. “Hey you.”
I smiled back. “Hi.” I gave her a big hug. I wasn’t sure what to say. What did people usually say to me?
“Pam told me you came and held my hand for a bit.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“I don’t remember, but I feel loved.”
I smiled. “Good.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. I didn’t know if you’d want me to be with you or not. I didn’t want to intrude on your privacy, but I also wanted to be there for you.”
“I’m glad you were.”
Our day was filled with more activities. In the arts and crafts room, I made a bracelet. During sports time, we played volleyball. Then we took another hike. After lunch, we had group. Ms. Reed talked about the future. “What do you guys see yourself doing?” she asked.
“More school,” Peyton said.
Rylee nodded. “College. It’s the only way we’ll get anywhere. People are going to have a hard time hiring somebody with epilepsy with or without a college degree, but maybe it’ll help a little.”
“What kinds of courses do you want to take?”
“I don’t know,” Peyton said. “I guess I’ll just take the basics until I find something I like.”
“I’d like to help other people,” Lainey said. “But, I’m not sure how yet.”
Rylee nodded. “I was thinking about some sort of nursing degree.”
“What about you, Teagan?”
I shrugged. “I’m not sure. I’ve always been interested in science. But, I don’t know what I could do. I am constantly having seizures, I can’t see being able to work.”
“Yours aren’t well controlled?”
“No. Yesterday, I had a ton of absence seizures. How can I do nursing if I did that? What if I was in the middle of giving someone a shot? Or being a therapist… people won’t want to pay me if I’m not paying attention.” I laughed.
“You said science was something you are very interested in?” Ms. Reed said.
“Yes.” I nodded.
“What about research?” she suggested. “You could do lab research or maybe forensics?”
I nodded. “Yeah, maybe. But, what if I drop a tube of something?”
“You have to give yourself some credit. There are things to do to prevent disaster during a seizure. Like positioning yourself over a table, so if you drop something, maybe it won’t shatter all over the floor. Making sure you have two of everything so if something does spill or break, you have a replacement.”
“I guess I never thought of all that.”
We talked more about colleges and jobs until it was time to go.
That night, Zander introduced Lainey to Owen. He sat down next to her and they talked. Zander sat next to me and smiled. “How’s it going?”
“Good. I’m so glad we’re here.”
“You are so beautiful,” he whispered.
I blushed. “Thanks.”
“I knew I had to meet you from the moment we started chatting online. You were something special. And you made me so mad when you were saying you were going to get locked up and all that.”
I looked down. “Sometimes it’s just the way I feel. If I could live here forever, it would be so much easier. Connor and Kate are wonderful. I even have some friends at home that I’ve become close to. But, nobody knows like you guys know. Nobody understands like the people here.”
“It’s like a safety net.”
“Yeah. I just wish other people saw us as normal.”
“We’re not. And that’s okay,” Zander said. “It’s hard to live with it, but we make do. There are places like this that we can come to for a retreat. A safe place outside of that big, cold world. We need this. But, we can’t make our entire lives revolve around our disorders.”
“It’s just hard on me, not that it’s not on you. It’s an every day thing.”
“I know. Your epilepsy is much more than mine is. I can’t imagine what it must be like for you to go through seizures every day. But, I’m going to be here for you from now on. I want to know all of you, even those seizures.”
“You are so wonderful. I just want to be with you…” I sighed.
We had to make decorations for our cabin for the contest. We spent our free time the next couple days working on decorations. We actually won! Our cabin celebrated with ice cream sundaes. That night, at the campfire, some of the kids did skits. Owen and Lainey got to know each other better. “I think they’re hitting it off,” Zander whispered to me.
I nodded. “She’s happier and he seems like a good guy.”
I had so many urges to hug and kiss Zander that it was very hard not to. I wanted to lean over and just let him hold me. “Have you had many girlfriends?” I asked.
“A couple.”
“Nothing serious?”
He laughed. “No. They were dates to dances. Or a kiss here and there. One girl got to witness a seizure, I never heard from her again. One girl didn’t care about them, but she wasn’t a real caring person, so that didn’t work out.”
“Oh.”
“But, you, Teagan… You’re one of a kind. I can tell. I long to hold you, to kiss you, and to be with you.”
I smiled. “I feel the same way.” I giggled.
Chapter Sixteen
A couple days later, the four of us got some time to play some board games. It was raining and a lot of us were at tables playing games. Zander and Owen sat with us to play Monopoly.
About half way through the game, I started getting very hot. My vision started to get fuzzy. No, no, no. I had a strange taste in my mouth. “Teagan, it’s your turn,” someone said. I couldn’t answer. The last thing I felt was falling before everything went black.
* * *
As usual, as I came to, my head throbbed. Slowly, I opened my eyes. It took a few seconds to focus. Lainey and Zander were right there by me. Lainey smiled and she squeezed my hand. I had no strength to squeeze back. Zander was stroking my hair. “It’s okay,” Lainey said. “It’s over.” Both of them had tears in their eyes.
The nurse was sitting by my head. “Lay still. We’re goi
ng to get you to my office,” she said.
I closed my eyes again. “Here’s the stretcher, Pam.”
I opened my eyes when I felt myself being moved. Zander and Owen picked up the stretcher and carried me away. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. When I felt my body being moved again, I opened my eyes long enough to see Zander and Lainey still there. Then I went to sleep.
When I woke up again, my head still hurt. I licked my lips and asked the nurse for some medicine. She got up right away and gave me the meds. “How are you feeling?”
“Yucky. I’ll be better once the headache goes away,” I said. “Do you have a cool washcloth I could use?”
“Sure.” She came back in a minute with the washcloth. “Where do you want it?”
“Over my eyes.” She placed it on my eyes. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
I went back to sleep and woke up early the next morning. Slowly, I sat up. The nurse was sleeping in another bed in the room. I rubbed my eyes. It was six in the morning. I sat there for a while trying to remember what had happened. I remembered playing Monopoly, but that was it. I vaguely remember seeing Lainey and Zander around, but I couldn’t remember the details.
Pam woke up by seven. “How long have you been up?” she asked me.
“About an hour.”
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
I shrugged. “I’m okay. You needed the sleep.”
She stood up and did a quick exam on me. “Your head feel okay?”
“Yes.”
“Ready to go back?”
“Yeah, can I go change at the cabin before breakfast though?”
“Sure, why don’t you wash up here and I’ll bring you back.”
I went into her bathroom and washed my face and hands. I wet my hair a little to keep it from looking horrible. The nurse walked me back to the cabin. Nobody was there. I changed real quick and brushed my hair. Then I pulled it back in a ponytail. When I was done, she walked with me up to the mess hall. “You okay?”
“Yeah. I just feel weird. I don’t feel embarrassed, but I do. Does that make sense? These people are my friends and I had a seizure in front of them. I go through life hoping I don’t freak people out and now I know when I walk in those doors, they will accept me just as I am. It’s almost too good to be true,” I paused. “And yet because they’re my friends, I wonder if I did anything to make them not want to be around me.”