by Talia Jager
“Yes, Connor, if I’m on machines, you have to take me off. I don’t want to live like that. I can’t. And you need to do that for me.”
Kate nodded and took Connor’s hand. “Listen to her.”
“Can you do that? Can you remember me how I am now rather than what I would be? Would you be able to do that?”
“You would really want to die?”
“Than to live like that? Yes.”
It took him a minute, but then he nodded. “Okay.”
“There’s more. If I am not on machines, but not able to function like I do now, I want you to put me in a home of some sort. I don’t want you to take care of me for the rest of your lives. I want you to have a life, to have children, to go on vacations. Can you promise me that?”
“Why? Why couldn’t you stay here? We could hire a nurse,” he said.
“No, I don’t want that. You put me somewhere, but you better come visit.” I tried to smile.
He sat back down and put his head in his hands. After a few minutes, he said, “Okay.”
“Thank you,” I said and wiped away my tears. “Now, about the surgery.”
Connor laughed. “What about it?”
“I want to see what the doctor says. I read up on it. I know they do testing beforehand. I know that will tell them if they can operate. If there’s a good chance that they can do something, I want you to give permission for that.”
“Are you sure about this?” Kate asked. “Really, really sure? I know you say dying is better than living like this forever… but are you sure?”
“Yes. I love you both and I love Zander.” I smiled, thinking of him. “I really do. I never thought I would have a boyfriend, never thought somebody would love me that way. He does. I have friends now. I want a life. I need a life. I want to go to college, I want a job and I want to get married. Surgery is the only option.”
“Teagan… what happens if they do the mapping only to find out they can’t operate?”
I sighed. “Then I’ll deal with that. And I’ll go on living the best way I can.”
Connor nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“You’re not a little girl anymore and you need to choose. I’ll do what you want.”
I smiled and squeezed his hand. “I may not be a little girl anymore, but I’ll always be your little sister.”
With that, we both started crying again. He hugged me until the tears stopped.
Chapter Twenty-One
A few days later, I sat nervously in the neurologist’s office. Connor sat with me. “You’re shaking,” he said.
“Yeah.”
“Teagan Kavanagh?” the nurse called.
Connor and I got up and followed her back to an exam room. After she took my vitals, Dr. Logan came in and examined me. “You look good,” he said. “Your log has seen better days.”
I laughed. “That’s the truth.”
He leaned up against the counter. “So, it’s May. You said you’d think about doing the brain mapping this summer. Have you decided?”
“I’d like to go ahead as soon as possible,” I said.
“What about you, Connor?”
“She’s eighteen now. She doesn’t need my permission.”
“True. But, I’m sure she listens to you.”
“We’ve talked,” Connor said. “She wants a life. Surgery might give that to her.”
“You do know that there’s a chance it won’t?”
“Yes,” we both said.
“I want to make sure you know exactly what is going to happen and what to expect.”
I nodded. “Bring it on.”
Dr. Logan laughed. “First we will do some basic tests. You will have blood work, MRI, and other tests done. Then I will admit you to start the process. We have different phases. Phase one is where we will attach electrodes to the outside of your head. Just like a regular EEG. But, you stay in the hospital and we monitor you for twenty-four hours. If this doesn’t give us what we need, we move on to phase two. This is more invasive. We will have to shave your head and then put the electrodes inside your head. Then we monitor you for about a week.”
“Wow.” I sat back.
“You didn’t realize how long it would be?”
“I guess not. I figured a day. I really have to wear those things inside my head for a week?”
“Yes.”
Taking a deep breath, I said, “Okay, I can do that.”
“After the testing is done, we will be able to figure out if we can do any surgery to help. It could be taking out a piece of your brain. However, with generalized seizures, it’s usually much harder. If we can’t pinpoint exactly where the seizures originate from, then we could do a surgery that would separate the two halves of your brain.”
“Is that dangerous?”
“Only the normal brain surgery risks,” Dr. Logan said. “You’d remain in the hospital for about a week, possibly more.”
“What will it be like afterwards?” I asked.
“You’ll have some discomfort. I usually give my patients Tylenol with Codeine. Lots of headaches and nausea are normal for a couple weeks.”
“How long is the recuperation period?” Connor asked.
“Anywhere from two to eight weeks.”
“And what about the other operation, taking out part of her brain?”
“If we determine that the seizure starts from a certain area of her brain and if that area doesn’t affect her memory, speech, eyesight, motor skills, and so on, then we can remove that part of the brain.”
“And she’d live normally?”
“Yes. Like I said, there are always risks. If everything goes well, then the numbers of seizures should decrease dramatically. I can’t say whether she’d ever be seizure free, but there’s a chance.”
“So, can I go in and have the testing done and then decide based on the findings?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.” I looked over at Connor. “Is that okay with you?”
He sighed. “It scares the crap out of me. But, if that’s what you want—”
“It is.”
“Okay,” Dr. Logan said. “Let’s get you set up. I can get you in for testing as soon as possible.” He led us out to the desk and spoke with the nurse. We went and sat down with her. She got on the phone with the hospital and within minutes, I had dates set up for everything to be done.
* * *
A week later, I had my graduation. The ceremony was long, but very exciting. I sat dressed in my black cap and gown and waited for all the speeches to be done. Then they started calling our names. “Teagan Kavanagh.” I was very nervous walking across the stage. I’d be thrilled to get off the stage without a seizure. People were clapping and cheering for me. It was a great moment. I shook the principal’s hand and got my diploma. Then off the stage and back to my seat I hurried. Phew!
After the ceremony was over, I met up with Connor, Kate, and Zander. We all hugged. Connor snapped pictures. Maddie and Mandi came over and we talked and shed a few tears. “I can’t believe high school is over.”
“Yeah. I wanted to thank both of you for being my friends. I couldn’t have gotten through the past two years without you. I hope that we will stay friends even though we won’t see each other all the time.”
“Oh, Teagan, you’ll always be my friend,” Maddie answered. She hugged me.
“Mine too.” Mandi joined in the hug.
“I didn’t want to tell you this before. I needed time to think about it and make sure it’s what I wanted to do,” I paused. They both looked very confused. “I’m going into the hospital next week to have some testing done and possibly have surgery. I’m hoping that maybe it’ll lessen the amount of seizures I have.”
“Brain surgery?” Maddie asked.
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Wow,” Mandi said. “Do the doctors think it’ll help?”
“There’s a chance it will,” I smiled. “It’s something I have to try. M
aybe you guys can come visit. I don’t know how strict they are, but you can call Connor and he can let you know when is good.”
Mandi pushed her hair out of her eyes. “I hope it works, Teagan. I will come visit.” She hugged me.
Maddie hugged me too. “I’ll be there too.”
“Thanks.”
After more pictures, we left and went out to eat. Everyone was a little on edge about the upcoming week. Nobody knew what to say. “Come on, guys, we have to talk, we have to have fun, it might be my last week alive,” I tried to joke.
“Teagan!” Connor muttered running his hand through his hair. “Why do you have to say stuff like that?”
“I’m trying to get you all to lighten up. I’m scared enough for all of you. If something does happen, I want to go out loving life, not being bored.”
Zander took my hand. “We’re scared too, Teagan. None of us wants to lose you.”
“I know, but I want to have some fun. ‘Kay? To put the surgery out of my mind for a little while. Please?”
Everyone nodded. “Okay.”
“Good, so what can we do that’s fun?” I asked.
“How about a really big brownie sundae?” Kate suggested.
“Mmmmm, now that sounds delicious!” We went ahead and ordered one and we all shared.
Knowing that I loved to play miniature golf, Connor suggested going to play. Zander and Connor even goofed off a little. It was so good to see Connor bonding with him. I let myself imagine the future for a few minutes. I could see them being brother-in-laws. I think they’d really like each other. Connor just had to ease up a little. I knew that was hard for him since I was his responsibility. If Zander and I got married, he’d have to give that up and I’m not sure he’d like that.
After the game, we went home and I made some plans for the rest of the week. I called Lainey and asked her what was going on. She informed me she was getting on a train with a few suitcases and coming down on Monday. Owen offered his place again, to the both of us actually. The college that we both decided on was the one Zander and Owen went to. It made sense for all of us to live together.
I wasn’t sure Connor would go for that quite yet. I told them maybe in a few months. If the surgery went well and I recovered, then maybe I could talk him into that. But, with the college being forty minutes away, I wasn’t sure how I’d get there every day. Those details would be worked out later… after the surgery.
I finally got Connor to allow me in Zander’s car. So, we told Lainey we’d meet her at the train station. I tried to plan the days after that with my friends and my family. I had to be at the hospital at seven o’clock Thursday morning.
Sunday, Kate and I went to a movie and out for ice cream. “I know you don’t want to talk about it,” she said, licking her cone. “Connor is very scared. He’s been crying every night, praying to God that you’ll be okay, begging your parents to forgive him.”
I nodded and looked down. “I’m sorry.”
She put her hand under my chin and brought my head back up. “Don’t be sorry. Just don’t die.” Her brown eyes filled with tears.
I hugged her. “I have no plans on doing that.”
She laughed. “Better not!”
* * *
I woke up very excited Monday morning, it was the day Lainey was arriving. She would be here that afternoon. I couldn’t wait! Zander was picking me up at two o’clock, but first I had to go to the hospital real early with Connor to do pre-op testing. I had blood drawn, left a urine sample, had an EKG and EEG done. We got home at nine and Maddie had come over until Zander picked me up, so Connor and Kate wouldn’t have to take off more time. They were both taking a lot of time off for the surgery and the weeks after. We played some board games and watched some TV. Maddie asked lots of questions about the surgery. “They’re going to what?”
“If they can tell where the seizures are, they’ll either take out that part of the brain or disconnect the two halves.”
She had this horrified look on her face. “Seriously?”
“Yup.”
“Wow!” She seemed amazed by what I was telling her.
The doorbell rang at 1:30 and I raced to answer it. Zander scooped me up and kissed me. “Hi beautiful.”
“Hi yourself.”
He looked past me. “Hi Maddie.”
“Hey.” she waved. “How are you?”
“Great, because I’m in love.”
I blushed. “I love you.”
He kissed me again. “We’d better go.”
I hugged Maddie. “Thank you. I will see you later.”
“You bet,” she said and headed out the door.
“I still can’t believe Connor finally let you ride in my car,” he laughed.
“I know. It seems unreal. But, he’s known you for a while now. I think he feels safer letting me go with you. He knows you’ll take care of me.”
“Always.” He kissed me again. “You feel so good.” I let my mind wander. Nobody was home right now. I could take Zander to my room and we could be alone. “Teagan?”
“I was daydreaming,” I told him.
“About what?”
“Us.”
“Oh yeah?”
I giggled. “Yeah, being alone in my room…”
He smiled. “That sounds nice.”
“Do you want to come in?”
He thought for a moment. “I do. But, I don’t think we should. I don’t want to give your brother anything to use against us, ever.”
“He won’t know—”
“I love you, Teagan. And I’ll wait—”
“But, what if I die and we never can,” I interrupted. I led him inside a little bit so I could close the door.
“Don’t you think that’s crossed my mind?”
I kissed him. “Don’t you want to?”
“More than you know,” he muttered. He kissed my neck. I closed my eyes and brought his hand to my breast.
“I want you to… I need you to,” I whispered. I was against the wall now. I pulled off his shirt. His chest was so perfect. I kissed him over and over again. Then I took his hands and led him to my room.
“Teagan…” he kept protesting.
“Shhh… please, love me the way I’ve only heard about…” He guided me to my bed and took off my shirt. He kissed my body while caressing it. It felt so wonderful. A tingling sensation ran up and down my body. “It feels so good.”
I unbuttoned his pants and pulled them off. He yanked off my pants. I rubbed my hands over his body. “I don’t have protection, Teagan.”
“I do,” I whispered. “In that drawer.” He gave me a look. “It’s from health class.”
He laughed and grabbed it. I hit the alarm clock so the music would come on. Zander slowly took my underwear off while kissing my body. “You are so beautiful.”
Our eyes met, his green eyes sparkled. “I love you, Zander.”
“I love you, too.” He kissed me on the lips again. “Are you sure?”
“More sure than I’ve ever been about anything.”
He nodded and kissed me passionately. We made love. It was amazing. It was everything I had hoped it would be and more. Our bodies became one, even if it was just for a few minutes. Afterwards, we lay there, silently. Zander held me. Having his arms around me, loving me, it was a dream come true. I never wanted this to end.
“We need to go,” he whispered.
“Okay.” I smiled and sat up. I kissed him. “Thank you.”
“It was my pleasure.”
We got dressed quickly, “Why don’t we take our trash with us just to be safe.”
Zander nodded. “I was thinking that, too.”
I made up my bed and we left.
Thankfully, we made it to the train station in time. We sat on the bench waiting for Lainey. Zander had his arm around me. “I feel so different,” I told him. “I feel loved.”
“You are.” He kissed the top of my head. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too.”
Owen came walking up. “Hey guys.”
“Hi.” I looked up at him, “How was work?”
“Boring.” He shrugged. “The train get here yet?”
“They said it was pulling in, so she should be here momentarily.”
After a few more minutes, I finally saw Lainey. Her brown hair was a little longer than the last time I had seen her. She had on a little bit of makeup – not too much – just enough to highlight her best features. She wore jeans and a purple t-shirt. I ran to her and we hugged. “I’m so glad you’re here!”
“I’m glad to be here.” she laughed. Then she kissed Owen and hugged Zander.
“We’re all together,” I said. “This is how it’s meant to be.”
We walked out of the station feeling like we were on top of the world. Nothing could bring us down. We took Lainey out for dinner and we stayed out late, just talking. It was so good to be together again. Our own little epilepsy club. Having Lainey with me was wonderful. It was like a part of me had been missing and now I was whole again. I started crying when I realized she was holding my hand. “What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I’ve missed you.” I wiped away my tears.
She hugged me. “I missed you too. But, now we’re together and every time we are and you have one of those crazy little episodes, you’ll find my hand in yours.”
I smiled through my tears. “Well, hopefully, after next week, I won’t have many of those episodes.”
She squeezed my hand. “I hope it works.”
“Me too.” I laughed.
Zander dropped me off at home by ten o’clock. That way I could get some rest. They promised to see me tomorrow. Zander and I kissed goodnight. “I will be dreaming about you,” he said.
“I bet I’ll get there first. You still have to drive home.”
“True.”
“Then I’ll see you in my dreams.”
“I long for the day when we can dream side by side, when I can hold you all night long and wake up next to you.”
“It will happen,” I promised, being optimistic.
He pulled out my ponytail and smelled my hair. “I’m going to miss this.”
“Will you still love me when I’m bald?” I asked.
“More than ever,” he answered. We kissed again and I went inside.
* * *
The next two days, I spent with Zander, Lainey, and Owen. We went to the mall and Lainey got to meet Maddie and Mandi. “So you all have epilepsy?” Maddie asked.
They all nodded. “Wow! Now, we’re in the minority.” Mandi laughed.