by Talia Jager
“What if I do?”
“What will you do?”
“Same thing I do at school. People will help. Zander will take care of it and he’ll call you.” I put my arm around Connor. “You can’t be with me my entire life. You have to let me live and you have to live a little yourself.”
He shook his head. “Mom and Dad wouldn’t approve of this.”
“They’re not here. It’s you and me. If Mom and Dad had their way, I’d be locked in that house like a dirty secret.”
“Teagan! That’s not fair. They never thought of you like that.”
“Sometimes it felt like it. I wasn’t allowed to do what other kids did. I wasn’t allowed to meet new people. I wasn’t allowed to go to school or to date. Thank goodness they let me have a computer. It was a connection to the outside world. I think I would have gone insane if it wasn’t for that computer,” I told him. “Don’t be like them. Don’t keep me locked up, even if it’s just for my safety. If something happens, it’ll happen. If I have a seizure and die, then so be it, but at least I will have died while living.”
Connor looked defeated. “I will drive you and pick you up.”
I smiled. “Thank you.”
“You have me wrapped around your little finger.”
“I know. That’s what little sisters do.”
* * *
On Saturday, Connor kept his word and drove me to the mall. I told him what movie we were going to see and an approximate time. “Call me when you’re ready.”
“I will.”
He looked over at Zander. “She is not to get in your car.”
“I understand,” Zander said.
Connor nodded and took off. “I’m sorry about this,” I apologized to Zander.
“Are you kidding? This is wonderful! To be out with you is great, especially on your birthday. I can stare into your eyes at dinner and hold your hand during the movie. If providing the transportation is what Connor needs to do to feel you are safe, then let him do it,” Zander said, taking my hand.
“You’re right. Let’s go enjoy our night.”
We walked into the mall. It was crowded with people, mostly young adults, having dinner, going to a movie or just hanging out. I saw a lot of people who I went to school with. Some of them actually did a double take. I think it surprised them that I was with a guy, holding his hand.
The night went really well. The movie was good and when Zander held my hand, that awesome, tingly feeling came back. When it was over, I held my end of the bargain by calling Connor and telling him to come. Zander and I walked down to where I was supposed to meet Connor. “I had a great time,” he said.
“Me too.”
He lifted my chin and with out noses almost touching, he pressed his warm lips against mine, sending a shock through my body. This was a kiss that I had dreamt about. It was real, passionate, and left me yearning for more. A perfect end to a perfect birthday.
After I got home, I had cupcakes with Connor and Kate. They gave me a beautiful necklace. Then I talked to Lainey, who called almost every day. She was having a lot of problems adjusting to her parents divorce. She felt that she had caused it; even though her parents told her it wasn’t her fault. She was constantly in the middle and it hurt her. She couldn’t wait to move out.
* * *
The weeks went by quickly. I had so much going on that it was almost overwhelming. I had to slow it down by taking a lot of breaks. I made sure to get enough sleep, but sometimes I came pretty close to the line. I had lots of homework and tests. Preparing for the SATs and narrowing down colleges took up a lot of time.
* * *
“Teagan, are you okay?” Kate asked.
I looked over at the door where she was standing. “Yeah. I’m just mentally exhausted.”
She walked over to my bed where I was laying and sat down. “Being a senior is very hard. There is a lot to do. But, don’t forget to take advantage of the fun.”
I smiled. “I’m trying.”
“I know. You only get to do this once. So, do it well.”
My seizures never let up. I was still having absence seizures every day and an occasional tonic-clonic. The medication was helping a little bit and the surgery option was always in the back of my mind.
As spring arrived, so did prom, the senior trip, senior skip day and all the fun things. It was time to plan for them all. Kate took me out shopping for my prom dress. It was the kind of thing sisters did. We went to a lot of different stores and tried on a bunch of different dresses.
I decided on one dark purple dress. It showed off my figure well. It was a little shorter than knee length and very expensive. “Every girl needs this dress. This one and your wedding gown are the ones to splurge on,” Kate told me as she paid for the dress. “I remember when you’re brother took me to the prom. It was a dream come true.”
* * *
The SATs were very hard on me. I knew the stuff, that wasn’t the problem. It was the seizures. I was so worked up about the tests that I had more seizures than normal. The weeks surrounding each test were horrible.
Days flew by. The end of school was in sight. But, beginning college was scary as well. It would be a new school with new students who would have to get used to the girl with epilepsy.
I got two acceptance letters back and now I was faced with the decision of which college to go to. I had decided to go into a science major. I was thinking of either medical research or forensic science. Both seemed like fascinating jobs where it wouldn’t hurt anything if I did have a seizure.
I was pleasantly surprised to get a scholarship at awards time. I guess somebody thought I had done well in school and deserved it.
I took Zander to my senior prom. Well, rather, Connor took us to my prom. Kate helped me get ready. She did my hair and make up for me. When I was done, I stood in front of the mirror. I couldn’t believe I was about to go to my senior prom. “You are beautiful,” Connor said stepping into the room.
I blushed. “Thank you.”
“Who knew my baby sister would turn out to be a smart and beautiful young lady?” he smiled. “I wish Mom could see you now.”
“She can,” I said. “She’s always with us, Connor.”
He nodded. “I suppose so. Zander is here. You ready?”
I smiled. “I am.”
He put out his arm and I took it. He led me out into the living room. Zander stopped talking to Kate when he saw me. His face lit up. “You look stunning.”
“Thank you,” I said. He took out the corsage and pinned it on my dress. “It’s perfect.”
“Let’s get some pictures,” Kate said, grabbing the digital camera, and started taking them. We posed for a few before getting into the car. Kate handed me the camera. “Take lots of pictures. It’s a night to remember.”
“I will.”
Off we went, in Connor’s car of course. The prom was being held at a local hotel. Connor pulled up to the entrance and a man opened my door. “Teagan?”
“Yeah?”
“Be careful. If you have any problems, just call me. And when you’re ready, call me and I’ll come get you. Whatever time it is.”
“Okay, thank you.” I blew him a kiss.
I took Zander’s arm. “Are you ready?” he asked.
“Oh yes! I have been ready my whole life.” I smiled.
We walked in. The place was decorated with balloons and our school colors. We checked in and got in line for our pictures to be taken. After that we made our way into the ballroom. I spotted Maddie right away. She had saved a table for us. “Oh Teagan, you look gorgeous!”
“You too.” I hugged her. “Maddie, this is Zander.”
They shook hands. “It is nice to meet you, Zander.”
“You too.”
Mandi walked in a few minutes later and I introduced her to Zander as well.
“Teagan, do you want to dance?” Zander asked.
“Yes, I do.” He led me onto the dance floor and w
e danced for a while. “This is wonderful,” I said with tears in my eyes.
“Why are you crying?”
“I just never thought… that I’d be here… And to be here with you, the one I love, it’s perfect,” I smiled through the tears.
He kissed me. “I love you, Teagan.”
I closed my eyes and we danced to a few more songs. My feet were aching, so we gave it a break. We sat at the table and talked to some of my friends.
It was a wonderful, magical night. A special night that I would cherish forever. It seemed like such a dream. The lights, the music, the atmosphere was perfect. Zander made my night complete. As we danced, he told me, “I never went to my prom.”
“Why not?”
“You weren’t there.” He smiled.
I giggled. “That’s the reason you didn’t go?”
“Sort of. I didn’t have anyone that I wanted to take. Nobody special. I guess maybe I knew that I was going to fall deeply in love with you and it didn’t matter that I didn’t go to my prom.”
I smiled. “Then this prom counts for both of us.”
Our dinner was served and it was delicious. We both had the chicken. We each got to take home a souvenir cup. It had the school’s name and date engraved on it. A token from this magical night. I wished that it didn’t have to end. Why couldn’t life just stay like this? This was easy, it was simple, and it was amazing. We stayed until the very end and then Connor came to get us.
Back at home, I said goodbye to Zander. “Thank you for the best night of my life.”
“I’m sorry it can’t be more,” he said.
“This was perfect. I couldn’t ask for more.”
He leaned in and kissed me. Afterwards, he said, “Someday, I will give you more.”
Somehow I knew he would. I watched him drive away and then went inside to bed. The next morning, I called Lainey and told her all about my night. She didn’t go to her prom. I guess she was a little like Zander. She had nobody she really wanted to go with, so she didn’t go. If only Owen had been able to go with her. I wanted her to be happy too.
* * *
“What movie are we watching tonight?” I asked.
“I brought over Narnia,” Zander said.
“I love that movie.”
“I know you do.” He handed it to me. I threw it in the DVD player. Connor and Kate came and watched too. They sat on the floor and I snuggled up to Zander on the couch. Half way through the movie, I got up, “I have to go to the bathroom.”
“Do you want us to pause it?” Connor asked.
“No, I know what happens.” I hurried to the bathroom because I did want to get back and watch the movie. When I stood up, everything started to spin. I grabbed onto the counter. Down… I told myself. I need to get down. But, then it all went black.
My head throbbed. “Teagan?” Someone said.
I opened my eyes, but I couldn’t focus. “We’re going to get you in bed.”
“Let me do it,” I heard Zander say.
I felt myself being picked up and then put down on a much softer surface. “She likes cool washcloths over her eyes. It helps with the light and the pain.” Kate said. I closed my eyes and she put the washcloth on. “She’ll sleep for a while now.”
“Do you mind if I stay for a little?” Zander asked.
“Sure,” Connor said.
“Thanks,” Zander replied and I felt him take my hand. I tried to squeeze it, but I didn’t have the strength. “Just rest my love,” he whispered. And I did.
When I woke up, it was much later. I looked around, wondering if Zander was still here, but I was alone. It was the middle of the night. I got up and got a glass of water. That’s when I saw him. He was sleeping on the couch. I smiled. He had stayed. Connor had let him. That was such a big move on both their parts. I went over and kissed him gently. He stirred a little and opened his eyes. When he saw me, he smiled and whispered, “Hi.”
“Hi.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Thank you for staying.”
“Thank Connor.”
“I did.” I kissed him again. “I’m going to go back to bed.”
He nodded. “See you in a few hours.” He watched me go back to my room and then closed his eyes again. I got in bed and went back to sleep.
Chapter Twenty
A few weeks later, we were sitting at a restaurant waiting for our waiter to take our order. We hadn’t gone out alone since the prom. We were celebrating the last day of school. It was over. We toasted with our sodas. “Goodbye high school,” I said.
“To a good summer,” Zander said. We toasted and drank. We talked a little about the summer. “What do you wanna do this summer?”
I sighed. “I think… I wanna have that brain mapping done. Maybe surgery. That will probably put a pretty good damper on my summer.”
He nodded. “True.”
“I’m scared, Zander. I’m scared to do it and I’m scared not to do it. What if there is nothing they can do? What if they can operate?” My voice quivered. “I don’t know which is worse.”
“I know. It’s a hard decision. But, it’s one you have to make.”
“What would you do?” I asked him.
He shrugged. “I don’t know. The medication is working great now. I probably won’t ever need the surgery. I think that if I had as many seizures as you do, I would try and have it.”
A tall man dressed in a black uniform walked up to our table. “Can I take your order?”
We ordered our dinner and then continued talking about college. I started to feel warm, then hot. I licked my lips. The room began to fade. Oh please not now, not here. “Teagan? You’re pale… are you okay?” I shook my head, but I couldn’t respond verbally. “Okay, we need to lay you down.” The last thing I saw was Zander standing up and reaching out to me.
I could hear a lot of noise. “Sir, the ambulance is on the way.”
“I told you we don’t need one.”
“It’s policy.”
“Her brother is on his way…” I heard Zander say. “Hey… are you okay?”
I could see him, but he was all blurry. “Sorry…” I muttered.
“Don’t be. It’s okay.” He stroked my face. I closed my eyes again. All the noise hurt my head so much more.
“Sir, could you get out of the way?”
“No. I’m fine, thanks.”
“Sir, please, we need to help her.”
“She’s fine. She has epilepsy. I just need to get her home.”
“Are you refusing her medical care?”
“No…”
“I want her checked out,” someone demanded. “I don’t want a lawsuit later on.”
“No one is going to sue you,” Zander said. “Check her out if you want, but I’m not moving.”
“Ma’am, can you hear us?”
I opened my eyes again. “Mhmm.”
“Does anything hurt?”
“Head.”
“Do you have epilepsy?”
“Yeah.”
“Here it is, Mark.”
“What?”
“Her bracelet.”
“Do you want to go to the hospital?”
“No,” I whispered.
“Can we get you on the gurney and out of the dining area to wait for your brother?”
“‘Kay.” I closed my eyes again.
They rolled me and put me on a board and then lifted me up onto a stretcher. I heard buckles and then felt the rolling. Zander never let go of my hand. A few minutes later, I heard Connor, “Excuse me… that’s my sister.”
Someone brushed my hair out of my face. “Teagan?” Kate said. “I have some ice, can I put some on your lips?”
“Please…”
She let the ice melt a bit on my lips. It felt good. “You doing okay?”
“Yeah…”
I was so tired. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to get out of here and go home to my nice safe bed. “Are you sure you don�
�t want to us to take her to the hospital?”
“No thank you,” Connor said. “You said you looked her over, right. No concussion or broken bones.”
“Right.”
“Then she’ll be fine. Hey Teagan, I’m going to get you home now.”
He picked me up and carried me off. Zander opened the car door and he kissed me softly on the lips. “I love you.”
“Love you…” I whispered back.
I woke up in my bed hours later. I knew what needed to be done. I got up and walked out of my room. Connor and Kate were sitting at the table. They looked up as I approached. I sat down across from them and said, “This has to stop.”
Connor looked at me and nodded. “I know.” He couldn’t say more. Tears ran down his cheeks.
Kate looked like she had been crying too. “Is everything okay?” I asked.
She nodded. “Yes. It’s hitting us that you’re not a little girl anymore. You’re a woman now and that you need to make your own decisions about your life. And that scares us.”
“It scares me, too,” I admitted.
“Letting go is hard,” she said.
“What if you die, Teagan?” Connor asked. “What if you have this surgery and you die?”
They had me in tears now. “I… I don’t know. Maybe I will. But, I guess then that’s better than living with these constant seizures. Never knowing when or where they will strike.”
“I don’t think dead is better.”
“You don’t have to live with them. You don’t wake up wondering what happened, where you are, if you’re okay.”
“I know,” he said. “But, I’m responsible for you. What if you don’t die? What if you end up permanently brain damaged?”
“I think that’s what scares me the most. I could handle dying. I know I’d go on to a better place and never have another seizure. But, if I end up brain damaged, what happens then? I know most people think people who are, aren’t there anymore, but what if they’re wrong? What if they know exactly what is going on? What if they lay there every day not being able to move, to talk, to eat, even go to the bathroom,” I paused thinking.
“Connor… I know this is hard. I think that the brain mapping is the right thing to do and maybe the surgery. If I die, I die. If I don’t and I end up brain damaged, I need you to promise me some thing.”
“What?”
“One, that if it’s so bad that I’ll never ever talk again or at least be able to watch TV, that you will pull the plug…”
“Teagan!” Connor interrupted, jumping out of his chair. “I am not killing you.”