Teagan's Story: Her Battle With Epilepsy

by Talia Jager

  “I know.”

  “You could have stupid little things wrong with you.”

  “I know.”

  “You want to anyway?”

  “I can’t live like this anymore.” I trembled.

  Connor wiped his tears away. “Teagan, you do know there is a chance this might not help at all?”

  I looked away. “It has to.”

  “But, it might not,” he said louder.

  “I know.”

  “What will you do if it doesn’t work?” he asked.

  “I don’t know. All I know is that this is my only option to possibly have any type of normalcy in my life. I want to go to college, I want to get married, I want to have a job. If that means brain surgery, so be it. If that means I’m tired or weak or have speech problems for a little, I can handle that. I can’t handle having these seizures every few days. It’s killing me. To only have a few every year…” I sighed, thinking of how wonderful that would be.

  “But, it’s not guaranteed.”

  “I know! I have to have faith that it’ll work. You and Kate need a life too, Connor. Your life didn’t include taking care of your sick baby sister. We all need this.”

  Kate stood up and walked over to us. “We love you, Teagan. And we will take care of you if you don’t want this surgery or if it doesn’t work.”

  “I know.”

  “I think you should do it though.”

  Connor looked up at her, surprised. “Kate?”

  “Connor, this is her life. Let her decide and we’ll be here no matter what.”

  After a couple minutes, he nodded. “Okay. This is what you want?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll go tell the doctor.”

  “Thank you.” I forced a smile. “Could you fill Zander and Lainey in and let them come in?”

  “Sure.”

  I closed my eyes. I wished Mom and Dad could be here right now. I knew they’d watch over me. But, I’d love for them to hug me and tell me it would be okay. A few minutes later, I heard the door open. I forced my eyes open again. “Hey,” Lainey walked over to one side of me and took my hand. Zander came to my other side and took my other hand. “How are you feeling?”

  “Really bad.” I held back my tears.

  Zander kissed my hand. “Connor told us what they’re going to do. Separating your brain?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That sounds freaky,” Lainey said.

  “Yeah.” I smiled.

  “Well, least they’re not taking out part of your brain,” she joked.

  “True. I… ah… I love you guys.” Lainey started crying. “Don’t… please.” I squeezed her hand.

  “I’m sorry.” She took a tissue and blew her nose.

  “It’ll work, Teagan. Don’t worry,” Zander assured me. “You have a wonderful doctor and the risk that something will go horribly wrong is very, very small.”

  “I want… you both to be here.”

  “We will.”

  Zander leaned in. “I’ll see you in your dreams.”

  * * *

  Surgery was scheduled for the next day. I slept most of the day away. I was still so tired. I was able to talk to Connor and Kate a little bit and watch some TV.

  In the morning, the nurses were busy getting me ready. At seven, it was time to go. Connor and Kate walked next to me as I was wheeled to the OR. “We’ll be here when you wake up,” Kate promised.

  Connor used his shirt to dab his eyes. “Last chance,” he said.

  “I’m ready.” I held back my tears. I wasn’t really ready for anything. I was so scared. I wanted to yell “stop” and run out of the hospital. But, deep down I knew I had to do this.

  Kate kissed my cheek. “See you soon.”

  I smiled. “Take care of him.”

  “I will,” she promised.

  “And make sure he keeps his promises.”

  She bit her lip and closed her eyes for a few seconds. “I will.”

  “It’s time,” the nurse said, peeking in the OR room.

  Connor kissed my forehead. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  The nurses turned the bed and wheeled me into the OR. I could hear Connor sobbing before the doors closed. The room was bright and had tons of people rushing around getting things ready. I was transferred to another bed. Dr. Logan came into the room, “Good morning, Teagan. Are you ready for a wonderful day?”

  I laughed. “I hope it is.”

  “We are going to put you to sleep and get started, okay?”

  I nodded. “Yes.” Tears ran down my face. I was a little nauseous.

  His smile faded. “Are you sure, Teagan?”

  “Yeah, just scared.”

  “That’s completely normal. It’s brain surgery. I promise to do my very best,” he said.

  “Thanks.” I smiled.

  “Ready?”

  “Bring it on.”

  He laughed. “That’s my girl!”

  The anesthesiologist put the mask over my face and I felt myself fading into the darkness.

  A warm glow appeared in the distance reminding me of a light seen through the fog. My eyes were still adjusting when I could see the shape of a person standing there. I recognized my mother immediately. “Mom?” I cried out, happy and scared at the same time. My mind was trying to process why I was seeing my mother, but my heart didn’t care.

  “Teagan.” She smiled. With her long, wavy, red hair framing her oval face and her vibrant green eyes, she was exactly as I remembered. I threw my arms around her and she held me for what seemed like hours. I felt warm and safe in her arms. When I finally dared to step back and look at her, she ran her hand down the back of my hair and said, “My beautiful girl, how you’ve grown.”

  “I’ve missed you so much, Mom.”

  “I know. But, we’re together now.”

  I started to worry about her words. “Am I dead?” I asked. I thought about Connor, Kate, Zander, and Lainey waiting for me to come out of surgery.

  She stroked my face. “No, Sweetie, you are not dead.”

  Relief washed over me. “Where are we?”

  “Somewhere special. Somewhere I can tell you how proud of you I am.”

  Guilt overcame me. “I’m sorry, Mom.”

  “Sorry? For what?”

  “Having the surgery.”

  “Oh Honey, you have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who should be sorry. I was so protective of you that I didn’t let you live your life. I’m so glad that you are having this surgery and I’m so happy that you have found love and friendship in your life. You are so brave and I’m so proud of you.”

  Tears fell down my face. “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “I’m scared, Mom.”

  “Don’t be, Teagan, it’ll be okay.”

  The glow dimmed a little. “I don’t want you to go,” I said.

  “I know. But, you have a life to live.”

  “It’s not the same without you.” I cried.

  “I’m so sorry that I had to leave you.” She took my hand. “But, remember I’m always here, I’m always holding your hand.”

  Throwing my arms around her again, I sobbed into her chest. “I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you, Teagan.”

  And then she was gone, and I was alone again, in the darkness.

  * * *

  The first thing I saw was Connor sitting next to me, holding my hand. Then I saw that Kate, Zander and Lainey were all there. “She’s awake,” someone whispered.

  “Teagan… how do you feel?”

  It took me a few minutes for me to get the words out. “Head… hurts…” I whimpered.

  Connor smiled. “Good, that’s good.”

  I closed my eyes again and went back to sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The next time I opened my eyes, I was in a different room. There were no windows; it was a boring room with lots of machines. One wall was entirel
y made up of windows. I could see nurses and doctors through the window. It was loud and the lights were bright. Connor was next to me asleep with his head on the bed. I was able to move my arm and I rested my hand on his head. He stirred and looked up. When he saw me awake, he grinned. “Hi.”

  I struggled for a minute. “Hi.” My throat was sore.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “’Kay.”

  “It’s so good to hear your voice!” He squeezed my hand.

  I was quiet for a minute, trying to think of the words I needed. “What day is it?” I asked.

  “Friday. The surgery was yesterday morning.”

  “Oh.”

  “You’re in the ICU until tomorrow. Then they will move you to another room.”

  Closing my eyes, I focused on the next question I had. “Seizures?”

  He nodded. “You had a couple. Dr. Logan says it’s very normal to have a whole lot the first week. Your brain is sort of freaking out.”

  I was able to stay awake for a little while, but then fatigue set in and I went back to sleep.

  The next time I woke up, I realized it was much brighter. There was a big window in the room now letting the sunshine in. The walls were white with a flower border going around the top. My head still pounded. It was like someone was inside my head with a hammer.

  I could see Connor sitting in a chair watching TV. I smiled. What an awesome big brother he was. I was blessed to have him in my life. “Connor,” I whispered.

  He jumped a mile. “Teagan, you scared me!”

  I smiled, unable to laugh. “Sorry.”

  “You sleep good?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re doing great! They moved you out of the ICU this morning. You’ve been stirring, but not waking much. Dr. Logan says it’s just your way of healing.” He took my hand. He had bags under his eyes. I bet he hadn’t left the hospital for anything in the last few days. “You have a little bit of a fever, but they ran some tests and there isn’t an infection. I guess sometimes it just happens. Your face is really swollen too. The doctor says that will go down in a few days.”

  “Seizures?”

  “A few twitches here and there but no more big seizures,” Connor answered. “Dr. Logan said that maybe tomorrow you could get out of bed and start walking around. If all goes well, you should be out of here in a week.”

  “Good.” I smiled.

  He kissed me on the forehead. “You feel okay? Normal, I mean?”

  “I guess…” I didn’t know how to answer.

  “Dr. Logan said the brain scan looked good. He said he didn’t think there was any brain damage. I guess I’m just wondering if you can tell?”

  “I… I think… I’m okay.” I still felt like me.

  He sighed. “Good. Everyone is still here. Are you up to seeing anybody?”

  I hesitated. Part of me didn’t want to, I knew I looked horrible and I felt worse. The other part of me yearned to have everyone here with me. “Yeah.”

  He nodded and kissed me on the forehead. “I love you, Teagan.”

  I smiled and told him I loved him back. He left and I felt my head. It was lightly wrapped with a gauze type bandage. I could feel the incision underneath it. I reached over and grabbed the tray table that was near the bed. I pulled out the drawer, which always had a mirror in it. I popped open the mirror and gasped at my reflection.

  Even knowing what to expect doesn’t help actually seeing it. I looked like somebody had punched me in both eyes. They were swollen and bruised. My nose looked swollen too. Even though the bandage covered my head, you could tell I had no hair. I was a sad, pathetic sight. Silent tears ran down my cheeks. I closed the mirror and pushed the table away.

  I closed my eyes and tried to tell myself that it would all go away. The bruises would disappear, the swelling would go down, and my hair would grow back. It would be okay. I heard the door opening and opened my eyes. Kate came in and smiled. “Hey you.”

  “Hi.”

  “How are you doing?” she asked.

  “Okay,” I lied. She looked tired too.

  “So, that means you feel like crap?”

  “Yeah.” I smiled.

  “It’s okay,” she took my hand. “You look like you’ve been crying.” I nodded. “Why?”

  I searched my brain for the word I wanted. “Everything.”

  “The pain?”

  “Yeah… and… me.” I shrugged.

  “You? What do you mean?” she asked. I tried to hold back the tears. “Let it out, Teagan. You’ve been so brave. It’s okay to cry.” I nodded and started sobbing which made my head hurt even worse. She held me for a few minutes. “It’s going to be okay. You’re doing great.”

  I sat back and took a few deep breaths. “Thanks.”

  She smiled. “Anytime.”

  The door opened again and Zander and Lainey walked in. Kate stood up and got out of their way. “You know these two have been here around the clock. We let them peek in on you earlier. I think they needed to see for sure that you were still alive,” Kate told me. “I’ll let you guys talk.” She slipped out the door.

  Zander walked up to my right side. He bent over and kissed me gently on the lips. “Hi. How do you feel?”

  My lip quivered. “Bad,” I answered truthfully.

  “You look great.”

  “Liar.”

  Lainey walked up on my other side. “You do look good for someone who just had brain surgery. I expected much worse.”

  I giggled.

  “So do you feel different?” she asked.

  I shrugged. “No.” It was weird knowing my brain was… disconnected.

  They joked around a little bit trying to cheer me up, but I wasn’t in the mood. I should be jumping up and down joyfully that I’m alive and well. I was thrilled that I was, but my mood was just down. I was still tired and weak. “Hey, are you okay? You seem sort of… out of it.”

  I shrugged. “Tired.”

  “You are okay, right? I mean, the doctors say you’ll be okay? You’re not hiding anything from us?” Lainey asked.

  “No. I’m okay.” I took a deep breath and spoke slowly. “I just... ah... looked in the mirror.”

  “Oh,” Lainey said.

  “I expected it… still surprised me,” I said, fighting the tears again.

  “It’ll all go away,” Lainey said taking my hand.

  “I know… just in shock.” I stumbled on the words again.

  “Teagan, you’re still beautiful,” Zander told me.

  I smiled. “Thanks.”

  “And we both still love you,” Lainey said.

  “Love you too,” I said, squeezing their hands with the little energy I had. “Been so out of it… don’t ‘member much. Seems like… just checked in and now… look like a freak.” I was having some trouble with words and it was starting to bother me.

  “You do not look like a freak!” Zander said. “You had brain surgery. Your face swelled up a little, it’s okay. It’ll go back down in a few days.”

  “Hair? Come back… few days too?”

  He sighed. “No, but it will come back. It’s not like it got amputated!” He raised his voice.

  I was taken aback by that. I looked down knowing he was right. All this stuff was just temporary. There were kids losing their arms or legs and even hair to cancer every day. Mine would come back soon and I’d be okay. “You’re right,” I mumbled. “Sorry.”

  “No, you’re going through normal feelings,” Lainey said. “It’s okay. We are both here for you. I’m so glad that I got moved down here in time for this.”

  “Thanks.” It really meant a lot that they were here for me.

  Connor and Kate walked back in. “Still okay?”

  “Yeah,” I said.

  “Dr. Logan is on his way in.”

  “Okay, they stay?” I asked.

  “Sure, if that’s what you want.”

  I nodded.

  Dr. Logan walked in a
minute later and smiled, “You look great, Teagan.” He looked in my eyes and had me squeeze his hand. “How do you feel?”

  Again, it took me a minute to get the words out. “Like my… brain got… separated.”

  “Oh, you’re being funny now?” he laughed. “Are you in a lot of pain?”

  “Yes,” I said more seriously. “Never had a headache… this bad in my life!”

  “I will give you more pain meds. What else is going on?”

  “Tired… weak.”

  “Normal. You will be for a few days. You’ll be tired, your body will ache, and your head will hurt. You might even feel a little nausea,” he told me.

  “What about the twitching?” Connor asked.

  “Just her brain in shock.” he smiled. “Seizures and twitching are both normal as well. I expect them to stop within a week.”

  “What if they don’t?” he asked.

  “Then we’ll deal with it,” he answered simply. “We are keeping you on all the same medications that you were on. In a year, we will wean you off. You may need to stay on some medication even though you had this surgery. I am still very hopeful that you will see a huge difference in the number of seizures you have.”

  “Did you do a partial or a complete?” Connor asked.

  “I decided to do a complete callosotomy. I think it was the best thing to do in her case.”

  “What does that mean for her recovery?”

  “I think she’s doing excellent so far. She’s having a little trouble with speech, but we will do some testing tomorrow to see if there are any problems?”

  “Testing?”

  “Almost like the mapping. We will show her pictures and have her tell us what they are. We’ll ask her to read and write and do some math problems.”

  “Anything else we should be aware of, Doctor?” Connor asked.

  “We’ve discussed all the basics. She may still have seizures; she could have auras, headaches, and nausea. These things are very common for a couple weeks, and even depression. That’s why she stays here for so long afterwards. We keep an eye on all this for the first week or so. Then we know better what we’re dealing with before she goes home.”

  “Okay, thank you.” Connor shook Dr. Logan’s hand.

  “Teagan, do you have any other questions?” Dr. Logan asked.

  “No,” I said.

  “I’ll be around if you do,” he said and walked out the door.

  I closed my eyes. Just talking had taken a lot out of me. “Teagan?”

  “Mmm?” I opened my eyes again.

  “I’m here to give you some more pain meds, okay?” A nurse was standing beside me.

  I smiled. “’Kay”

  “Is there anything else I can get for you?” she inquired.