Upside Down

by N. R. Walker

Angus laughed and it was an uneventful bus trip in. There was no Soup Crew, which I was thankful for, because I wasn’t sure I could face another lecture about my failings. The closer we got to the stop in Surry Hills, the more eager I was to get shitfaced.

  As we were stepping off the bus, Angus’ phone rang. He answered it, all cheeky smiles, and grabbed my arm. “This way first,” he said. Instead of crossing the road to the pub, he was taking me toward the library. “Okay, we’ll see you soon.”

  “Angus, where are we going?”

  “Just a quick stop first. And believe me, if it all turns to shit, you can drink all the Midori Leprechauns you can drink, and I’ll pay for it.”

  Weird, but whatever. Sounded like a fucking plan to me.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Hennessy

  It was possible I was going to puke. I eyed the wastepaper bin in the corner of the room, just in case. Everyone was there already—Bonny, Leah, Sabina, Nataya, Glenn, and Anwar. And Merry.

  She stood at the door, peering out every so often, her phone in her hand. “He’s on his way up,” she whispered.

  Fuck. The nausea was real.

  I fiddled nervously with the clipboard to some curious glances. “You okay, Hennessy?” Nataya asked.

  “Oh yeah, just a lot on my mind,” I replied, then took my place at the front of the room. “I like the new meeting room,” I said, trying for calm and casual. “No chance of being interrupted by drunk people dry humping.”

  Everyone laughed, and I took a deep breath just before the door opened and Jordan fell into the room. Well, more like he was pushed. “What the hell…?” he said, then straightened up and saw me. He froze, fear and horror all over his face. He stared at everyone in the room, landing on Merry. “You!”

  She grabbed his arm, pulling him into the room, and Angus appeared behind him, pushing him forward. Merry plonked him in a seat. She sat on one side, Angus on the other. “Is this a…,” Jordan said, wide-eyed. “Holy motherfucking fuck, is this an intervention?”

  “Yes, it is,” Merry said, holding his arm like a vice. “Hennessy has something to say and you will sit here and listen, so help me God, Jordan.”

  Everyone else—Bonny, Nataya, Leah, Sabina, Glenn, and Anwar—sat there gobsmacked. Possibly horrified. “Dude, are you okay?” Anwar asked.

  Jordan leaned forward to look at Anwar. “No, they’re holding me against my will. It’s like kidnapping, so if anyone knows Liam Neeson, that’d be great, because he will find me. I left the safety of my burrito chrysalis on my perfectly good couch, on the promise of as many Leprechauns as I could drink.” Then he shot Angus a glare. “You lied to me.”

  “Yes, I did,” he replied, giving me a not-too-discreet wink.

  Then Jordan stared at me. “You’re in on this?”

  “It was my idea,” Merry said before I could reply. “Don’t blame him.”

  Jordan turned slowly to face Merry. “The evil mastermind. I should have known.”

  Merry rolled her eyes. “Just shush and listen. These good people would like to get home sometime this year.” Then Merry leaned forward and waved to Bonny and Leah and the others. “Hi, by the way.”

  Bonny laughed and waved back. “Hi.”

  But then there was a moment of silence, and that was my cue. I was so nervous. My mouth was so dry, I could barely speak. Jordan looked like he hadn’t slept a wink. He looked miserable and wired and hopelessly resigned.

  Thank God I’d found some valid posts on line and printed them off. If I had to speak from the heart, it’d be a train wreck for sure.

  “What I wanted to talk about today is really important,” I started. “There’s a huge misconception about what being asexual means. Asexuality is such a huge and broad spectrum. It isn’t black and white. There is no right or wrong.

  “To be asexual is simply defined as sexual orientation characterised by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender. To simplify a complex subject, an asexual person doesn’t experience sexual attraction. But the important difference is that sexual attraction and sexual desire are not the same thing, okay? That’s the tricky part. Let me say that again. Sexual attraction and sexual desire are not the same thing.

  “To experience sexual desire doesn’t make someone not asexual. Sexual desire does not make your asexuality invalid.”

  I paused and Jordan looked up at me then, and I knew, I just knew I’d hit the nail on the head. So I kept reading straight from my notes. It helped that I could just read and didn’t have to look at him. “In the ace community, we are neither entirely with or without sexual desire, with or without engagement in sexual activity, with or without sexual drive. The stereotype of asexuals being wholly non-sexual or without any hint of attraction towards others is not who we are. Being asexual is varied and diverse, as is the complex relationship between sexuality and attraction.”

  I swallowed hard. “To some extent, we all come with a sexual expectation attached to our bodies. It becomes internalised, reinforced, and replicated through the major veins of society: in the workplace, the doctor’s office, at home, on TV, movies, in books. I haven’t met one other asexual person who has not, at some point, internalised their sexuality with social narratives and expectations. Sometimes we don’t even know we do it. Sometimes we’re our own worst gatekeepers.”

  I sighed and parked my arse on the table. “I didn’t mean to sound like I was lecturing, sorry.”

  “You look really tired,” Bonny said kindly.

  “I didn’t sleep much,” I admitted, then scrubbed my hand over my face, trying to focus. “Sorry. I just want to say one more thing before we open up discussion.” I looked down at my clipboard but didn’t see the words.

  “Like I said before, desire and attraction are not the same thing. To experience sexual desire does not make someone less asexual than someone else. Asexual people can engage in sexual pleasure. It doesn’t make them any less asexual. Sometimes our bodies betray our minds, and it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. Your asexuality is still valid.”

  I looked at Jordan then, and he was staring at me, his face drained, his eyes were glassy. I took a deep breath and shook off my tears. “Does anyone have anything they’d like to contribute?”

  Glenn spoke first. “I think we’ve all had sex because we thought we were supposed to. Well, I know I have,” he said. Others nodded. “We’re pressured into it, told we’re abnormal if we don’t.”

  “Yeah,” Leah agreed. “And sometimes I want to engage in sexual release. But not with another person. It took me a long time to realise that was okay.”

  “And that it doesn’t revoke your A-card,” Sabina added. “I still don’t feel sexual attraction to people, but taking the edge off once in a while is okay.”

  Bonny nodded. “I spent two years in a relationship where I willingly participated in sex. I never initiated it; it never actually occurred to me to initiate it. They were very sexual, and I wanted them to be happy. I still want them to be happy,” she said with a smirk. “Just happy with someone who is not me.”

  There was quiet laughter, then Jordan cleared his throat. “I um… I’m still trying to figure this whole asexual thing out. I’m like, almost certain, I am. Asexual, that is.” He let out a breath and his eyes filled with tears. “Well, I did. I was sure I was. And I was with someone who means the world to me, and he’s said before—he’s been very clear about it—that he can only be emotionally invested with someone who is asexual, because it just got too complicated otherwise, and hearts always get broken. And I thought, great, because that’s what I am, right? I’m asexual. I don’t want to have sex with anyone. I don’t want to even think about having sex with someone. It kinda freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable. And everything with this guy was going great. Like really great. But then last night we were on his couch and I kissed him and we both like kissing. We’ve established that kissing is great and he can kiss like a motherfucker, you have no idea.” He put his hand to his f
orehead, his lip trembled and a tear rolled down his cheek. “But then my body… it wanted more, like you said; our bodies betray our minds. And I freaked out, and I left him. Because he only wants someone who’s asexual, and…”

  I hadn’t even realised a tear had slipped down my cheek too. I scrubbed it away. “Did you want to have sex with him?”

  Jordan looked at me like I was crazy. “What? No! God, no. I don’t want that. My mind doesn’t want that at all. But if my body did… Doesn’t that mean I’m not asexual?”

  I shook my head. “Oh, Jordan. You’re as asexual as you need to be.”

  He sobbed and put his hands in his face. “Oh motherfucking fuck. You must hate me.”

  “How can I hate you?” I said, half laughing, half crying. “When I’m in love with you.”

  Sabina gasped. Well, I think it was her, and all heads turned like they were watching a tennis match.

  Jordan looked up at me, stunned. I shrugged and held my arms out and Jordan shot out of his chair and walked straight into my embrace. He sobbed against my neck and I held him as tight as he was holding onto me. Merry did some crying-clapping thing in her seat, and Angus raised both hands like he’d scored a goal in soccer. “Hell yes, that’s how it’s done!” he crowed.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Jordan

  “I told you he’d forgive you for lying to him,” Merry said, swatting Angus’ arm before she came over and joined our hug. Then Angus joined in. Then Bonny did and Anwar, all laughing, but eventually I pulled back and wiped my face. I looked up into Hennessy’s eyes. “I’m so sorry. Do you forgive me?”

  He nodded. “Next time, talk to me.”

  “I will. I promise.” Then I turned around to the other group attendees, knowing I should explain or apologise or something. “I’m sorry. That’s two group meetings and two episodes of tears. Two for two, because that’s how I roll. Stay tuned for next month’s party trick. No crying though. It’s so last season.”

  They laughed, which was a relief. “So,” Glenn hedged, looking between me and Hennessy. “You two are a thing?”

  “Yes,” Hennessy answered. “We met at the last meeting, but I couldn’t figure out where I knew him from. Turns out we catch the same bus, and we started talking.”

  Bonny tilted her head, then squinted at us. “Oh my God! You’re Jordan… You’re the boys on the bus!”

  “The what?” I asked.

  “My mum has talked non-stop about two boys who fell in love on the bus! Every day this month, it’s like a soap opera. Every night she tells us all what happened. There’s been recipes too! It’s like the craziest thing!”

  Oh God. Soap operas and recipes… “Is your mum Mrs Petrovski?” I asked.

  Bonny nodded. “Yes!”

  “She lectured me this afternoon. She wanted to know why Hennessy wasn’t on the bus and I word-vomited all over her. She told me I had to communicate better.”

  Bonny grimaced. “Yep, that’s my mum.”

  “Well, she’s not wrong,” Hennessy said, pulling me against him in a side-on kind of hug. “He does need to tell me what’s bothering him.”

  I fisted his shirt at his back and inhaled deeply before looking at Bonny. “Well, you can tell your mum it all worked out.”

  “She’s going to be so pissed she missed this,” she said.

  “I also owe her a recipe,” I added. “I’ll have something for her on Monday, I promise.”

  Bonny grinned and shook her head. “I cannot believe it’s you two. What a small world.”

  Then Hennessy cleared his throat. “I just want to say that while tonight’s topic was personally motivated, it’s still relevant. No matter where we are in our realisation of our sexuality, sometimes a reminder can do us all a favour.”

  “I think it proves how relevant it is,” Sabina said. “I first realised I was asexual years ago, but having social expectations and internalised sexualities reaffirmed every now and then is important. My circumstances have changed since I first came out. I’m not the same person. But I’m still valid.”

  Nataya put her hand on Sabina’s arm. “You are.”

  It was then I noticed that Merry was standing back and that she was crying. I left Hennessy’s hug and collected Merry in my arms. “I still hate you,” I said. “Even if you’re amazing and fabulous and know what I need better than I know myself.”

  She snorted into my shirt. “Thanks.”

  “You okay?” I whispered.

  Merry nodded against my chest. “I’m just happy it all worked out.”

  “I think we need Thai food and unlimited Leprechauns,” I suggested.

  She sighed. “Sounds perfect.”

  When the meeting wrapped up, everyone wished us well and promised to see us next month. It was agreed that the library was a great location, and they all agreed that Hennessy and I made the cutest couple.

  Of course we fucking did.

  I knew Hennessy and I had a long conversation ahead of us, and I was willing and happy to lay it all on the line. But I also owed Merry and Angus a whole bunch and a night of Thai food, a few drinks, and great conversation with my three most favourite people on the planet sounded like heaven.

  We went to Sunan’s, just a few doors down, and took a table. I sat with Hennessy, Merry and Angus sat opposite us, and we ordered a bunch of plates to share. When the waiter left us, Merry winked at me. “So, interesting day, huh?”

  “The worst,” I answered. I looked to Hennessy and smiled. “And the best.”

  “It started pretty shit,” he said. “But it’s ending better.”

  I nodded, and taking Hennessy’s hand on the table, I looked directly at my two best friends. “Thank you. Both of you. Merry, for concocting this whole plan, being the evil mastermind that you are. And Angus, for lying through your teeth and promising me copious amounts of alcohol and not delivering.”

  “I did,” he said with a grin. He waved his hand at Hennessy. “Six feet of cognac, did I not?”

  Hennessy laughed and conceded a nod. “That’s true. He did.”

  “Anyway,” I said. “Thank you both. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be cocooned on my couch being the saddest wallowing burrito ever.”

  “You were pitiful at work too,” Merry said.

  I shrugged. “That’s true. I was. I wallowed in the basement for eight hours.”

  “Because Mrs Mullhearn didn’t want you near the public, given your mood and your tendency to swear,” Merry frowned. “It wouldn’t have ended well.”

  “Remind me to thank her on Monday.”

  Our food arrived and we ate in silence for a while. “So, Angus,” I said. “Any chance of me meeting your couple? When you told me that’s who we were meeting, I kind of got my hopes up.”

  Angus chewed thoughtfully, then set down his fork. “They’ve been asking for a while.”

  “They have? Why haven’t you mentioned it?”

  “Dunno if it’s what I want,” he said.

  “Are you not happy with them?” I asked. “Do you not love spending time with them?”

  “Well yeah. But they’re fancy and smart. Smarter than even you, Jay,” he said. “And they’ve got this big flash house, and…” He shrugged.

  “And what?”

  He met my gaze. “What if I do the meet-the-friends thing, and what if I tell them I will move in with them, and what if I love them, and then what if they don’t want me anymore.”

  “Oh, Angus.” I reached over and squeezed his hand. Then I— Wait, what? “Have they asked you to move in with them?”

  “It’s been mentioned, but I don’t wanna. They have a big place and said they wanted me to, but I said I have a Jay, and I like living with him. He’s like my big brother, and I’m not too smart, but he looks out for me and won’t break my heart like they could, ya know?”

  I was speechless. “Angus.”

  “So if you want to meet ’em, you can.”

  “Only if you want me to.” I gave him a smil
e. “And you’re like a brother to me too. And Angus, I can’t really offer any advice for navigating a relationship between three people. I mean, I can barely get one right with two people, as we’ve all borne witness to in the last twenty-four hours.” I gestured broadly to Hennessy. “But what I do know is this: if you’re happy and if it works for you, then take the chance. Because it could just turn out to be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

  Hennessy squeezed my thigh, and Merry fanned her eyes. “Jesus, what is it with the tears today? You’re all arseholes.”

  I laughed, and Angus gave me a shy smile. “I’ll speak to them and let you know.”

  “You also have to meet Michael and Vee, and Saffron and Siobhan,” Hennessy said, giving me a nudge. “But maybe friends first, then family. I don’t want to throw you in the deep end.”

  Angus tilted his head and studied Hennessy. “How did you know their names? I never said their names.”

  “Who?” he asked. “Michael and Veronica? Or Saffron and Siobhan?”

  “Well, Michael and Vee.” Now he looked confused. “The couple I’ve been seeing…”

  My eyes almost popped out of my head. “What?”

  Merry gawped. “What?”

  Hennessy’s eyebrows almost met his hairline. “Michael and Veronica Hawke. They live on King Street.”

  Angus nodded, a mix of disbelieving and stunned. “Darling Harbour Apartments.”

  Hennessy sat back in his seat and a slow smile spread across his face. “You’re the one.”

  “The one what?” I asked.

  “The one Michael’s been talking about. He was being all weird, and a few weeks ago he asked me if it were possible to love two people. At first, I was like what the fuck, dude. You can’t be cheating on Vee. That’s not cool. And he laughed and said he wasn’t cheating. And the whole conversation was weird, but then we got busy, and then I met you,” Hennessy said, looking at me. “And I’ve been kinda absorbed with that. And not to mention work’s been crazy and stressful.”