Dogchild

by Kevin Brooks

  Including Starrys death.

  The shock and drama of yesterday morning – and what little true sadness thered been – had all but gone now, overwhelmed by a communal fear that hung over the town like a great black cloud.

  But although Starrys death – in itself – had mostly been forgotten now, its consequences were still very apparent.

  At least to me anyway.

  His death had changed things.

  I knew it. I could feel the difference as we walked the streets---the way people reacted to us, they way they perceived us. There was more distance between them and us now – both physically and socially – as if we were even less a part of them than we had been before. But at the same time – for reasons I didnt understand – they didnt seem quite so hostile towards us. I dont know if this was something to do with my grief – a collective fear of some kind, as if I was somehow tainted with death, and if they got too close it might infect them – or if it was simply the case that now Starry was gone – my mentor, my master – Ide become something else to them, something that was no longer owned, no longer restrained, no longer humanized---

  A lone dog.

  Something to avoid.

  Whatever it was, I could see it all around us as we entered the Quarterhouse Square – furtive glances, shielded whispers, people moving out of our way. This wasnt unusual in itself – as dogchilds wede always been viewed with fear and suspicion – but there was something different about it now---something had changed. There was no overt hatred from anyone, not even from the Youngers, but somehow that only added to our sense of exclusion. It was as if we were so insignificant now that we werent even worth their abuse.

  When I mentioned this to Chola Se as we started climbing the Quarterhouse steps, she told me not to worry about it.

  Theyre just frightened, she said. They dont know whats going on anymore. And whatever it is, they dont know if weare involved in it or not. People do strange things when theyre frightened.

  Theyve forgotten about Starry already, I said.

  She stopped and turned to me, putting her hand on my shoulder and looking me in the eye.

  Lifes too short to mourn the dead, Jeet. Its different for you because you loved him.

  Its still not right.

  Are you still in mourning for Aliaj and Berch? Or Yael? Or Sheren?

  She was right, of course. I might not have completely forgotten about Aliaj and Berch and the others, but I certainly wasnt mourning them anymore. Theyd lived, theyd died, and that was that. And as I stood there on the steps with Chola Se, with her hand on my shoulder and her eyes stilling my mind, I found myself wondering why I felt so differently about Starrys death---

  What made it different?

  Why did it hurt so much?

  Why did loving him —?

  Jeet?

  The sound of Chola Ses voice brought me back to reality, and as my focus came back, I realized that instead of looking at me she was staring up the steps at someone whode just come out of the Quarterhouse. There was little doubt who it was – I could tell from the hate in her eyes – and when I followed her gaze and saw Pilgrim staring down at us from the top of the steps – flanked by 2 massive Fighters – I knew straightaway that Gun Sur was never going to listen to us now. Pilgrim had just made sure of it---I knew it. I could see it all over him. It was in his eyes, his face, his self-satisfied smirk---hede guessed we might go to Gun Sur, and while he must have known we had virtually no chance at all of persuading the Marshal to believe us, hede decided to play it safe and make absolutely sure. I didnt know how hede done it, but the glory in his eyes told me he had.

  As he began heading down the steps towards us, the 2 Fighters came with him – staying close by his side, their rifles at the ready, their eyes fixed on us. I knew who they were. It was impossible not to know them. Theyre brothers, Diedle and Sweet, and theyre both enormous – well over 6 feet tall, with great bull heads and arms as thick as my waist – and as I watched them coming down, I wondered what they were doing with Pilgrim. Were they guarding him? Protecting him? And if so, who were they protecting him from?

  From us?

  Maybe he wasnt so sure of himself after all---

  And just for a moment, as he stopped in front of us, and Diedle and Sweet moved to edge past him – to shield him from us – thats how it looked. And Pilgrim knew it. The moment the 2 brothers moved, he instantly ushered them back – not making a big show of it, but making it clear that he was in charge, and that he was perfectly capable of dealing with us on his own.

  Jeet, he said, smiling casually. Good to see you.

  He glanced at Chola Se, gave her a quick nod, then turned back to me.

  If youre looking for the Marshal, he said, Ime afraid youre out of luck. Hese not seeing anyone today. Hese so busy he could only spare 10 minutes for me. So unless youve got an appointment---

  He let that hang in the air, looking expectantly at me, waiting to see how Ide respond. When I didnt say anything, but just stood there staring back at him, his casual smile began to tighten.

  Is there anything I can help you with? he said.

  Like what?

  As he leaned in a little closer to me, I realized that something had suddenly changed in him. There was no obvious physical sign of it – nothing in his face or his eyes had changed – but something had risen in him, something that became him – a cruelness, something vile---crawling like worms under his skin.

  Youre suffering, Jeet, he said quietly, his voice as cold as his eyes. Youve been through a traumatic experience---you both have. You and Chola Se---youre both victims of terrible tragedies —

  Youre unbelievable, I muttered, shaking my head.

  Ime just trying to help, Jeet, he said softly. I know youre both —

  Come on, I said to Chola Se. Lets go.

  We turned away and started to leave.

  I just wanted you to know that you dont have to worry about Gun Sur, thats all.

  We stopped and turned back to him, as he knew we would.

  What? I said, staring at him.

  You dont have to worry about the Marshal, he repeated, unable to prevent a sick smile coming to his face. Ive talked to him---he understands now.

  Understands what?

  That youre both suffering.

  He waited a moment, enjoying our confusion, then carried on.

  Its not that the Marshals coldhearted or anything, he said, its just that he has to detach himself from the emotional side of things in order to do his job properly, and sometimes he needs reminding that not everyones as strong-willed as him. And thats all Ive done, Jeet – Ive just reminded the Marshal of the awful things that trauma can do to our minds---how it can play tricks on us, distort our perceptions, distance us from reality---Ime sure you know what Ime talking about. Anyway, as I said, Ive talked to Gun Sur now, Ive explained your situation to him – how youve both been through terrible experiences recently – and he understands, he knows what to expect from you. So if you ever feel the need to share anything with him, anything at all, no matter how unacceptable or outrageous it might seem---

  I wasnt aware that I was reaching for my knife until I saw the sudden alarm in Diedles eyes, and in the same instant – just as he was about to make his move – I felt Chola Ses hand gripping my wrist and pulling my arm away.

  Its all right, she said quickly, holding her hand up to Diedle. Hese not going to do anything.

  Of course hese not, Pilgrim said, smiling at her as he casually waved Diedle back. And neither are you, are you?

  There was no point in going to see Gun Sur now. We both knew it. Pilgrim had convinced him that we were both out of our minds – traumatized, delusional, paranoid – so whatever we told him about the Deputy, no matter how compelling we were, he was never going to believe us.

  We waited in silence, watching as Pilgrim and the 2 brothers left the Square and walked off together along Main Street, then we headed down the steps and began making our way home.

&nbs
p; Wede only been gone for just over an hour, so when we got back to Starrys house and found that our room had been ransacked – the door kicked in, the lock smashed to pieces – we knew that whoever had done it must have been watching the house, waiting for us to leave. And although there was no question that Pilgrim was behind it, we knew he couldnt have done it himself. Hede only just left us about 10 minutes ago, and the damage to the room was so extensive it must have taken a lot longer than that. Everything had been torn apart – the bed, the walls, the floor – and everything we owned, which wasnt much, lay scattered in pieces all around the room---our clothes ripped to shreds, our crockery smashed, our personal things – ornaments, mementos---our cherished nothings – vandalized, wrecked, destroyed. Even Starrys crutch had been demolished, the lovingly carved ironwood staff split open and hacked to pieces.

  We just stood there in silence for a while, looking around at the carnage, not knowing what to say. It wasnt so much the act itself that shocked us – wede always known there was a chance it would happen – it was just the sheer brutality of it, the needless violence, that left us lost for words.

  The only consolation was that wede been prepared for it, and wede taken precautions, and as we went back downstairs – checking all the rooms to make sure no one was around – I could only hope our precautions had worked.

  Once wede made sure that the house was empty, and that all the shutters were closed, we locked the front door, lit a torch, and went down into the basement. It didnt look as if anyone had been down here, and as we crossed over to the far side of the room, I could see that the pile of boards wede left leaning against the wall were still in place and hadnt been disturbed. I crouched down, slid the boards to one side, then drew my knife and carefully pried out 2 loose bricks, revealing a small space behind the wall. I reached into the space, felt around for a moment, then pulled out the sturdy metal box that wede placed in there earlier that morning. I already knew now that it hadnt been found, but I opened it anyway just to make sure.

  The blueglass vial and my writing book and pencils were still there, just as wede left them.

  I took them out, put the box back, and replaced the loose bricks. I doubted wede need the hiding place again, but there was no harm in keeping it, just in case. I slid the boards back in place, then we went back upstairs and started cleaning up our room.

  By the time wede finished clearing up as much of the mess as we could, the day was almost over and the evening light was beginning to fade. Tonight was the night of the truck display. An hour after sunset, the great rusted hulk was due to be moved out of the building in such a way as to make it look as if it was a fully functioning vehicle. I hadnt been back to work in the storehouse since Starrys death, so I didnt know how Kite and the others had finally solved the problem, but I didnt doubt that they had. The display was a key part of Gun Surs grand deception. Hensch would be watching, and he had to believe that the truck was capable of being loaded with TNT and driven across Nomansland into the Dau encampment. If he didnt believe it, if he had any doubts at all, then Gun Surs plan would fail.

  Which was why wede decided to wait until the display was over before we killed Pilgrim.

  Wede talked it through while we were clearing up, and wede come to the conclusion that killing the Deputy was the only option left to us. Hede drugged and abducted and raped Chola Se. Hede killed Aliaj and Berch, stolen the twin babies and given them to the Dau. Hede framed Yael and had him killed. Hede murdered Starry and mutilated his body, and hede threatened to kill me and Chola Se if we didnt back off. And on top of all that, he was almost certainly a traitor.

  He had to die.

  It was as simple as that.

  We just have to do it, Chola Se had said. You know that, dont you? We either do it or we dont. Theres no inbetween.

  He knows weare coming after him, I told her. Thats why hese got Diedle and Sweet with him. Its not going to be easy.

  Its him or us, Jeet. Even if we do back off, hese not going to let us live. He doesnt even have to come after us, does he? All he has to do is wait for the law against cohabiting dogchilds to go through and he can do whatever he wants with us. Weare dead whatever we do.

  Not if we leave, I said.

  She looked at me. You said you couldnt leave until youd dealt with Pilgrim.

  Maybe I was wrong.

  No, she said, you werent wrong.

  She wiped a sheen of sweat from her face and leaned against the wall, suddenly looking exhausted. She rested there for a few seconds, staring into space, then she slowly slid down the wall and lowered herself to the floor, sitting with her head bowed down and her knees pulled up to her chest.

  He haunts me, Jeet, she said emptily. Hese in my head all the time---every moment of every day, every time I try to sleep--- hese always there, always hurting me, humiliating me---She let out a long sigh, a tired breath from deep inside her. I know I said all those things about killing my feelings, burying them, forgetting them---and I wasnt lying. I honestly thought I could do it---I thought I could kill myself, my old self---the Chola Se from the dungeon---I thought I could kill her, bury her---but I couldnt. I tried, Jeet, I really tried. But she wouldnt go away.

  Shese you, I said. You cant kill her.

  I know. But if I cant kill her---

  You have to kill him.

  She nodded. Ile never get rid of him if I dont. And running away to the Deathlands wont make any difference, because hese in here – she tapped her head – and I cant run away from that.

  Will killing him get him out of your head?

  She looked up at me. Its the only way Ile know for sure that he can never hurt me again.

  When we arrived at the storehouse that night, I was surprised to see that most of the town had turned up to watch the display. Ide assumed it was going to be kept as quiet as possible, but either news had leaked out or someone had decided that a crowd would give the display an added sense of authenticity. The fact that a cordon had been erected around the yard to keep people from getting too close to the truck – and the cordon was guarded by dozens of Fighters – suggested to me that the audience was planned.

  As we looked around for a suitable vantage point – close enough to see the display, but not so close that we couldnt leave in a hurry if we had to – I wondered if Pilgrim was expecting us. We hadnt seen any sign of him yet, but we knew he was going to be here.

  He had to be.

  We were banking on it.

  We found ourselves a reasonably good place to watch from – a pile of rubble in the backyard of a bombed-out building just across the road from the storehouse – and we settled down to wait for the display.

  It was fully dark now – the heat of the day almost gone – and although it would still be a few hours before the iciness of the night began setting in, we were both dressed up as warmly as possible. I was wearing the thick coat Ide got from Jemelata the Clothier, and Chola Se was wearing the coat that Tomas had lent me when wede returned from the Dau camp. Wede also brought all the rest of our clothing with us – the few remaining things we could find that hadnt been torn apart – together with everything else we thought we might need. Wede decided it wasnt safe to leave anything at Starrys house anymore, not even in the hiding place in the basement, so wede gathered together everything of any value – our clothes, my writing book and pencils, the glass vial, spare shotgun shells – and brought it all with us in a knapsack that Starry used to use for his fishing gear.

  Although there was no sign of the truck coming out of the storehouse yet, and the double doors were still firmly closed, there was definitely activity inside the storehouse. Torchlight was visible through the shutters, and every now and then we could see shadows moving around in the flamelight.

  There was no lighting in the yard, which surprised me at first, but then I remembered that Hensch would be watching through nightvision glasses, so hede get a better view without lights than with them. And there was no doubt that wherever he was watching from – a w
atchtower, an elevated spot somewhere out in the desert, maybe even up in the Black Mountains – hede get a good view.

  It was a clear night – jetblack and cloudless, the moon almost full – and from where we were sitting we could see for miles, all the way out into the vast darkness of the surrounding Deathlands. We could see the eastern deserts stretching out into the distance beyond the cliffs to our right, and over to our left we could see the endless emptiness of the glassrock plains leading up into the foothills of the mountains. The mountains themselves werent visible – too black and too far away – but I could see them in my mind, and just for a moment, as I found myself gazing evermore deeply into the faraway world of blackness, all sense of time seemed to fade away – not just stopping, but actually ceasing to exist, as if time had never been – and in that timeless moment I could see myself out there in the mountains---sitting in the shade of an old blackwood tree---the early-evening sun high and white in the sky---a cooling breeze fluttering in the tall grasses scattered sparsely around the hillside---

  What was that?

  The vision disappeared and time restarted at the sound of Chola Ses voice, and as I turned to her – blinking the afterimage from my mind – the world of now came back to life.

  Did you feel it? she said to me.

  Feel what?

  I dont know---it was like something in the air---something happened to it---

  Happened to what?

  The air itself---it changed---She shook her head, frowning. I dont know---maybe it was just me---She looked at me. Are you sure you didnt feel anything?