It's My Life

by Stacie Ramey

  “No, go ahead,” I tell him.

  Eric points, and I park the scooter under a railing beneath the bleachers. I’m feeling slightly numb from the cold and my legs are pretty stiff from an entire day of, you know, existing. Also my hip is starting to complain. Eric puts his arm around me and holds up one side and Rena does the same on the other. Together they help me walk up the stairs and then down the other ones to the bench. In the background are the sounds of the players warming up—the swoosh of skates against the ice, the clacking sound of sticks hitting the puck, the boards vibrating. All of these things feel like my childhood, watching Eric play…and also Julian. I’m in heaven, and I mostly forget about the pain.

  Julian gives me a sweet smile when I get to the bench, but then directs his attention to the opposing team. Eric hands me a blanket to put on my lap. Julian sees Eric, and man, do his eyes light up. The two of them do the bro-hug thing.

  “Glad to have you back, man,” Eric tells Julian.

  He’s got no idea.

  The coach calls for the players. They crowd around him. Eric sits next to me. The game’s about to start, and the feeling around me is electric.

  Julian’s got the first shift. I watch breathlessly as they drop the puck, and he chases after it. Chip wins the face-off. Julian skates parallel to him as they race to the opposing goal. Our fans are on their feet. Chip passes the puck to Julian. He shoots, and Danbury’s goalie catches it in his big glove.

  “Damn.” Rena grabs my hand. “So close.”

  One of our defenders steals the puck and passes it back to Chip. Chip handles it, moving past Danbury’s players.

  Eric yells, “Center, center, center!”

  A Danbury defender, huge guy, checks Chip into the boards and the puck flies center. Julian fights for possession, slamming his body against a crowd of Danbury players. There’s a tight circle, and sticks fly. I hold my breath. Somehow Julian emerges, puck dancing in front of his stick. Rena squeezes my hand. The air changes around us, like everyone knows. Julian’s got a breakaway. He handles the puck all the way down in the front of the goal. He winds his stick back, and it’s like time stops and everything freezes. I watch Julian, stick raised, then sloping downward and back up, the puck whizzes past the goalie, over his right shoulder. Score!

  Eric screams, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

  Our stands go wild. Rena and I jump around.

  I feel the stands behind me thunder as our fans stomp and scream, and it’s a slippery feeling. Slippery but exciting. Julian skates back to the bench. Sits with a thump. He’s breathing hard and grabs his water. Chip pats him on the back. So does the coach. Julian leans forward and watches until it’s his line’s time to get back on the ice.

  The team is fired up, and so is Eric. He alternates between jumping on the bench and climbing the stands to help Ben and his friends lead the cheers. Rena stays sitting next to me, which is sort of unlike my social butterfly little sister, but I can’t say I mind.

  Three guys sit down on the bench next to us, leaving no more room for Julian when his line comes off the ice. He stands and scans the crowd. Looking for her, I guess. I don’t bother to get jealous this time. Real me has spent all evening with the boy. It’s Elsa’s turn now.

  When it’s time to go, I’m weary and sore. A night in the bleachers after a full day at school makes my muscles scream, and even with the blanket, I am cold. Every freaking part of my body hurts, as if I was just on the ice playing and getting beaten up. So all I’m thinking is that I want to go home and go to bed.

  But the hockey players are still celebrating, and that means Eric’s not going anywhere. They run into the box, jump on him, he follows them out to the ice, even without skates.

  “Idiot,” Rena says, but she says it like she’s envious. Who wouldn’t want to be celebrating with our players? Turns out everyone would, which is why the stands on our side are emptying, people slipping and sliding all over the ice. I’m dizzy watching them, so cold it hurts, but also so wanting to be part of it.

  “You can go,” I tell Rena. If I was her, I would want to be where the action is.

  “Are you kidding? I’d be taking my life in my hands. Those people are nuts.” She leans against me, and her warmth feels so good. But then Chip comes back into the box and grabs Rena by the hand and pulls her until she squeals and goes along.

  I sit here watching all of this beautiful chaos. I don’t want to be part of it, exactly, but I’m still sad I’m missing out. It reminds me that I’m separate from them. I pull the blanket around myself, bury my face in it, covering my nose. If my nose is warm, the rest of me is, too.

  The intercom springs to life. “Everybody off the ice.”

  There’s the sounds of skates zooming in then stopping, and a familiar voice says, “We did it, Jenna. We did it!”

  I lift my head from the blanket and come face-to-face with Julian. His eyes are shining, and his smile is stretched wide. “I’m so glad you were here.”

  “Me too. You were amazing. Three goals!”

  He nods. Happy. So alive. And so, so close to me. In that single moment, I feel like what Julian and I have now is enough. And I am as happy as I’ve ever been. Until I see him reach into his pocket and check his cell.

  No matter how close I feel to him, Julian is elsewhere, with a version of myself that I’ll never be.

  * * *

  8:06 P.M.

  Did you see me?

  Were you there?

  Tell me you saw.

  Yes!

  You were amazing!

  I’m so glad I’m back here.

  Me too.

  So now, that I am a conquering hero, haven’t I earned something special?

  Like what???

  Tell me something about you that will help me figure out who you are.

  Oh. Smiley face. We go to the same school.

  Cool. That narrows it down to like 2,499 people.

  I’m a girl.

  Ok 1,754.

  See? You’re getting warmer.

  Slightly annoyed emoji.

  Crying while laughing emoji.

  I’ll figure it out one day. Just you wait.

  Thumbs-up emoji.

  Smiley face. Tonight nothing can get me down. Not even not knowing the identity of the girl who inspired me to score three times!

  I inspired you to do that?

  It was for you.

  Heart emoji.

  Same.

  Sixteen

  I rest my head against the car window during the drive home. The heat is pouring out of the vent straight onto me, and I’m starting to feel less frozen. The sounds of the fans roaring still fills my head, but a small sadness I can’t really name plants itself in my heart. In some weird way, I feel like Julian’s cheating on one of me. With me.

  When we get inside, Mom wraps me up, tight. “I left some pills on your dresser. Thought you might need something.”

  I nod.

  Dad helps me to my room. “Maybe you should take tomorrow off from school? Let the other kids catch up.” His favorite Chitty Chitty Bang Bang quote.

  I’m too tired to argue. “Maybe.”

  I don’t even get changed, just hit the toilet, then throw myself into bed. I reach over and take the Advil Mom’s left for me, ignoring the prescription pain pill and muscle relaxer. My head feels weighed down and like it’s filled with cotton. The room feels farther and farther away, and soon I’m falling asleep, floating and flying free.

  And then there’s a weird knocking trying to pull me back to earth.

  “Jenna. Jenna.”

  It’s not my Jennifer voice. It’s familiar, but my head soup doesn’t process it.

  “Jenna. Wake up.”

  And then someone shakes my shoulders.

  “Jenna,” Rena says.

 
And I bolt awake. “What? Are you okay?”

  She laughs. “Shh.” She moves over to my window and opens it.

  My brow furrows. “What’s going on?”

  Rena whirls and puts her fingers over her lips. “Shh,” she says again.

  My eyes work hard to adjust to the darkness, to make sense of the shapes around me. The night-light I always have on throws enough light that I can see Rena helping someone into my room. I grab my covers and pull them up, then remember I’m still fully dressed.

  “Hey, Jenna,” Chip says. I want to die. What do I look like? Was I snoring? Is there sleep drool all over me?

  Rena comes back to me. I grab her hands. “What the hell is going on?” I whisper.

  “Wait one second. And quiet down, Mom and Dad are just on the other side of the house.”

  “What are we doing?”

  Rena grins conspiratorially. “Sibling field trip!”

  “Where’s our other sibling then?”

  “In command central—so his bedroom, obviously,” she says, as if that’s a ridiculous question.

  “Of course.”

  She turns to Chip. “You better wait outside.”

  “Gotcha. See ya in a few, Jenna,” he says, climbing back out the window.

  I salute him.

  “What the hell was that?” I whisper as Rena helps me out of bed.

  “Shh. It’s cool. How are you feeling?”

  “Tired. Sore. Fabulous.” I do jazz hands to help sell the sizzle, as Ben always says.

  “Come on, it’ll be totally worth it.” She drags me toward the bathroom, where I brush my teeth while she brushes my hair and pulls it up in a ponytail. She walks me back to my bed and hands me a sweatshirt.

  “Hands up,” she says, prompting, and on goes my sweatshirt. “Hold on. We probably need these.” Rena puts my braces on my legs, the ones I only wear when I’m horseback riding or going on the stationary bike.

  “Where are we going? And why do I need braces?”

  “Trust me, you’re going to love it.”

  Then, she helps me put on my short UGGs and hoists me to my feet. Next comes my short coat and hat and scarf, leaving me to wonder when these plans were made.

  Soft steps creep closer to my door. Rena and I huddle in my room and wait for Eric’s telltale knock. Rap tap rap. Rap tap rap.

  Rena opens the door. Waves him in.

  “You ready?” he asks.

  “Coast clear?” Rena asks.

  “They went to bed an hour ago. The television kicked off ten minutes ago. We are a go.” He opens my window again and speaks to whoever has assembled there.

  Eric climbs out first, avoiding the big shrub there. “Your turn, Jenna,” he says, his arms open wide to help me out. His body is holding the shrub back, so I’ve got a pretty clear shot.

  Good thing my bedroom’s on the ground floor. The cold air shocks the breath out of me. My eyes tear. I cough.

  “You okay?” he asks.

  “I think so.” My arms reach for him, and Rena helps feed me out the window, but my pants get caught on the sill.

  “Wait,” Rena says. “She’s stuck.”

  For some reason, this makes Eric and me laugh hysterically. Which makes Rena go “Shhh! You’ll wake them!”

  Eric drags me away from the opening so Rena can climb out, my elbow crutches in a bag strapped to her back. Without someone to help her, she ends up flat on the ground. Which makes her laugh even harder.

  Chip lifts her up. “Sorry.”

  There seems to be a lot of Chip in Rena’s life lately, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Eric seems to pick up on it as well since he’s staring.

  “Everything cool?” a voice calls from the side of the house. I can’t place it, but it sounds familiar. I know it’s one of the other hockey players. And if other hockey players are here…

  “Yeah. We’re coming,” Eric answers. “Hold on.” He turns to close the window. I’m sure that any minute Mom and Dad are going to bust us if people don’t stop talking.

  Rena and Eric put their arms around me and help me walk on the uneven ground—a peril in the light, but super dangerous in the dark. I don’t want to fall and ruin the entire mission, whatever it is.

  As we round the corner, I see there are two cars parked out on the street. I pray they won’t slam the doors and wake our parents. But then a bunch of hockey players jump out, and I see Julian, and I suddenly don’t care about waking Mom and Dad. Mostly I just care about my breath and wish I’d paid more attention to my hair and my face and all the girly things.

  “Hey, Jenna, want to skate around with us?” Julian asks. He looks lit up—he’s happy about the game, and he’s glad Elsa texted him. With a heart-stopping shock, I realize that Julian might actually be falling in love. With her. With me. The sky is clear and a million stars shine down on us. “It’s perfect, isn’t it, Jenna?”

  Everything seems to hinge on my next comment. Like the trees are standing by, the moon listens in, and the night birds stop making noise. It’s like this one moment belongs to us. I know I should be more careful, but it’s hard to keep my mind straight when it feels like the world is conspiring to give me everything I want.

  “It’s magical,” I say. “Definitely.”

  Julian smiles with me, and then gets this weird look on his face like he’s trying to remember something. I realize that I may have tipped my hand with that magical comment.

  Rena steps between me and Julian. “The infamous skate-around, and we are crashing it.”

  The skate-around is a big secret to nonhockey players and most adults. The owner of the skating rink allows it—most of the hockey players work there, so he’s close with them. It happens at different times during the year so no one can track it, try to crash it, or shut it down. Nobody brings dates or girls of any kind to the skate-around. We are breaking new ground right here. Eric made this happen.

  Julian beams. “And I get to share it with my favorite family.”

  I want to throw up a little bit. That’s how the boy feels about me. Like I’m just part of his favorite family.

  I stumble a little bit on my way to Ian’s van, but Rena helps me. There’s a little fighting for seats, but Eric says, “Jenna gets the middle row, captain. No arguments.” And no one does.

  That’s the easiest seat to get into. I wait for Julian to join us, but he jumps in the car behind us.

  Rena sits next to me, the boys in the back. Rena grabs my hand and leans in. “This is pretty cool, huh?”

  “Pretty cool,” I agree.

  Dylan, the guy driving, doesn’t turn on the headlights until we are halfway down our street. I rub my hands together and blow on them. My nose is freezing again. So I tuck it into my coat.

  Eric throws a worried glance my way and then cranks up the heat. “You feel that, kiddo?”

  “Yeah. I’m good.”

  Rena unhooks her seat belt and moves next to me. “Scoot.”

  I do and she sits next to me, squished onto my seat.

  “Hey,” Eric says. “You need to get back in your own seat, Rena.”

  “It’s like three miles. Chill.” She wraps her arm around me and rubs my arms until I start to warm up, even though I’m also sort of worried the entire time about her not being in her seat belt. That’s how my family rolls. Not happy unless we’re worrying our heads off.

  When we get to the rink, I relax a little. The guys from the back seat cruise past us to get out. They don’t exactly bump into us, but they’re still kind of awkward and brutish and I’m grateful I wasn’t standing up when they did it.

  “Take it easy, you hoodlums,” Eric yells.

  Rena helps me out of the car, and I hobble forward, strap on my crutches, then move more surely.

  The other car pulls up behind us, and those guys race t
o the front door of the rink, waiting for Ian to get there with the keys and the security code. Once inside, Eric flicks on the lights and looks around. “Love this place.”

  He hands Rena my skates—I need special ones, of course—while he ducks behind the desk to pull out the right ones for her. Rena and I get ours on, and Eric bends down to tighten my laces and hers. “You gotta get this right or it won’t work,” he says.

  The guys are already on the ice. It takes my breath away to watch them.

  “You coming?” Rena asks.

  “You go ahead.”

  I lean against the wall. Julian skates by, then turns around and stops in front of me, shaving ice as he does. There’s something sexy about the way he moves, creating an ice pile out of nothing, and I realize I am officially lovesick. I mean, who thinks some shaved ice on an ice rink is romantic? I’ve got it bad.

  “You ready?” Eric stops next to him, but says it to me.

  I want to go out there, but my body is so tired. “I don’t know…”

  “Come on, Jenna, we need everyone on the ice,” Julian says in an almost flirty way.

  Someone jumps in the booth and flips on the music and some disco lights. It’s a party now.

  With Eric on one side and Julian on the other, I am pretty stable on my feet. We skate around the rink twice. Then there’s a big screech and some laughter, and I see Rena on the floor. Eric breaks away to help her, leaving me with Julian.

  “Love Shack” comes on. Julian laughs, but I start to stumble, so he glides in front of me, turns around, and starts skating backward as easily as he was skating forward. He slips across the ice, holding me up like we are dancing. “Beats English, huh?”

  I laugh. “Yeah.” I wish Ben could see this. Also, what would it be like to actually dance with Julian with a silky dress on, my body pressed against his?

  “Can you keep a secret?” Julian asks.

  “Sure.” I look down, try to keep my feet from crossing over.

  “I’m not going to school tomorrow. Skip day for hockey players.”

  The feeling of him trusting me is perfection. My heart wraps itself around that thought. He is confiding in me. Me, not Elsa.

  I almost tell him I’m going to be out too, because after tonight I am for sure going to need a few days to recuperate. It feels like something friends should tell each other. The words present themselves to me, dance on the edge of my tongue, ready to be dispatched at my command. Then I stop myself. He doesn’t want to hear about my drama. So I ask, “What do you guys do on skip day?”