by Hamel, B. B.
But man, Cody is pathetic out there. Coach basically abandons the pass and has them run every single play, but that won’t last the whole game. The defense picks up on it and eventually starts shutting it down.
I can smell Coach’s frustration. Even Nicole’s shooting me these looks. It’s almost fun to watch, even though I hate fucking losing.
At halftime, Coach rips Cody apart. He tears the guy a new asshole in front of the whole team. “That’s ugly,” Chet whispers to me. “Never seen anything like that. Well, except for the time Coach tortured you all week.”
I smile at him weakly. “I almost feel bad for Cody. But then again, I don’t.”
“Can’t blame you.”
The guys take the field again, and the third quarter is a slaughter. It’s pathetic, almost hard to watch. When Cody throws his third interception, Coach goes ballistic and pulls him from the game.
But as soon as he does it, he realizes something.
There’s nobody else.
The man looks at me. And I feel dread in the pit of my stomach. He smiles slowly.
“Get in the game,” he says to me.
“Are you joking?”
“Get in the fucking game, River.”
I slowly stand up. I hurt everywhere, in places I didn’t even know could hurt. I’m barely able to walk, let alone play. “You can’t be serious. You beat my ass all week and now you want me in there?”
“Get in the fucking game, River,” Coach snarls at me. “You piece of shit.”
I stare at him and something in me just snaps. It breaks and I grab my helmet, shove it on my head, and jog out onto the field.
Everything hurts. God damn, does it hurt.
But I take the snap. I drop back. And I make a pass.
The crowd goes insane. I do it again, and again, and again, until we score.
I can feel Coach’s anger. He hates this. He wants me to fail out here, he was hoping I’d get in there and embarrass myself.
But I can’t help it. Once I’m on the turf, I can’t go halfway.
I play my ass off. It’s one of the best games of my life. We struggle from behind but I’m making passes left and right until we make it within a field goal.
We march down the field and with two seconds left, Chet comes into the game.
“I’ve got this, boss,” he calls to me with a grin.
And I watch him nail the ball through the uprights, winning the game.
Everyone goes insane. I can’t help myself. I’m even cheering. I wanted us to lose, wanted it just to spite Coach, but I just went on the field and gave my everything. I didn’t think I had it in me, but I pulled something from deeper inside and made it happen. I want to collapse on the turf and die, but I’m too happy.
Coach won’t look at me. He looks miserable for a man that just won a comeback.
“River!”
I look over and Nicole’s coming toward me. I don’t think about it. I’m smiling too big, grinning like a moron. I throw my arms around her and pull her against me, hugging her tight.
She laughs. “You were amazing!”
“I know,” I say. “I’m so tired.”
She laughs again and I lift her into the air. We laugh together and I spin her around. God damn, it feels good to have her in my arms like this, even though I know I shouldn’t.
I can’t help it. I won the game when I should’ve lost, despite everything Coach wanted.
The elation doesn’t last.
“Put her down!”
I slowly put Nicole down on her feet. Coach is glaring at us, red in the face.
“Dad—”
“Shut up,” he snaps at her. I’m shocked by the way he’s staring. “River, get off my field, you piece of shit.”
“Coach, I just won you that game.”
“I don’t care. I want you out of here.”
“Dad, you can’t—”
“I said, shut up,” he roars at her. “Get out of here, River!”
I give Nicole a long look. She frowns back at me and I can see the anguish in her eyes.
I hate her father for this. He’s a fucking bastard, worse than I’ve ever been. I’ve done some things in my life, but never blatantly hurt someone I cared about, not like this.
“I’ll go,” I say softly. “But you should think about the way you treat your daughter.”
“Get out!” he roars again. The only reason he’s not making a scene is because the field is so loud.
I turn and walk away. I ignore the media requests for interviews. I’m too exhausted and too sore to bother anyway.
I know one thing though. I know one thing for sure.
Nicole’s father has gone too far. He’s lost his fucking mind and he’s not going to step up. She’s on her own, at least as far as he’s concerned.
But I’m not letting that happen. No matter what, I’m taking care of her. That man can go fuck himself. I hope she never forgives him.
And if she does, I’ll support her.
That’s the kind of man I want to be. I’ll support her, no matter what she does, simply because I care.
19
Nicole
The high of the victory quickly fades away the next morning when River shows up for practice.
He’s basically walking like he did on the day that Dad made him run. He’s shambling along, almost groaning like an injured dog.
“Are you okay?” I ask him in the hall.
He grunts something at me.
“River?” I take a step closer.
He clears his throat. “I hurt,” he says.
“Jesus.” I quickly get under his arm. “Come on. Let’s go see the trainers.”
I help him back to the training room and the staff takes over from there. River shoots me a grateful look over his shoulder.
“Is he going to be okay?” I ask the head trainer.
The man just shrugs. “Who knows. I haven’t seen someone this beat up since…” He trails off. “Well, since I got into a bad car accident a few years ago.”
“Very reassuring,” I say.
“I hurt!” River growls.
I turn and get the hell out of there. I don’t think I can bear watching River groan and growl like a broken animal.
Instead, I walk over to my dad’s office. The door’s partially open so I push inside and face him.
He glances up with a frown. “Yes?” he asks.
“I want to talk to you.”
“I don’t think so.” He looks back down.
“Dad.” I stand there, glaring at him. “Get your ass up and come talk to me.”
He looks up, a little surprised. “Excuse me?”
“You’re being a little bitch. Get up and be an adult.”
His eyes go wide. “Don’t talk to me like that, young lady.”
“Then don’t be a little bitch.”
“Nicole!”
“Get up and come with me.”
He blinks rapidly before standing. He looks more annoyed than angry, which is a good start.
“Fine. But seriously, if you call me a little bitch again, you’re fired.”
“Sure. Whatever you say.” I lead him out into the hall. We don’t talk as we pass the training room. I swear, I can hear River shouting, I hurt! while the training staff tries to keep him calm.
I have no clue how he even got here this morning and I probably don’t want to know.
I lead Dad out onto the field. The sun’s coming up and it’s a beautiful, crisp fall morning. He grunts a little bit as we walk out onto the field.
“Do you remember the first game you brought me to?” I ask him. “Not to watch, but to stand down on the field with you.”
He frowns. “I remember. Back when I was coaching high school.”
“Yeah. Everyone seemed so big to me back then, even you. I thought you couldn’t ever be wrong. Just watching you talk to those guys, I swear, you were the smartest person I’d ever seen.”
He frowns at me but I don’t
really see him. I remember that night, so long ago. Back before mom died. I was still young, just a little girl, and my dad seemed like a giant to me.
He doesn’t seem like a giant anymore. He’s a man to me now, but I wish he were more. I wish he hadn’t reacted the way he did. I wish he would be better.
But he’s not and I have to come to grips with that fact. I’m not his little girl anymore, not really. After this, I don’t think I ever will be again.
“What are we doing out here?” he asks me.
“I wanted you to remember why we did this,” I say to him. “We do it because we love the game.”
“This has nothing to do with River and you.”
“Yes, it does. It has everything to do with it.”
He sighs. “Nicole—”
“No, listen to me, Dad. I know you hate River and you think this baby thing is a mistake. And you know what? You’re right, it was a huge mistake. But this baby is coming whether we want it to or not and it’s time to step up.”
He sighs and looks out over the field. “I know,” he says softly. “I just really hate him.”
“He’s not going anywhere,” I say softly. “River isn’t the same guy he used to be. You’ve seen him all week, sacrificing his body just to listen to you. And then you throw him into the game, barely able to move, and he wins it for us. Do you really think the River from before would do any of that?”
He shakes his head. “You’re my daughter. How can I trust a guy like that with you?”
“You can trust me,” I say.
“I do.”
“You really, really don’t.” I sigh. “Come on, Dad. I need you to understand that what I have with River isn’t some little fling. It’s something real and it’s not going anywhere.”
“Honey, please. You can’t mean that.”
“I mean it,” I say more sharply than I intended. “He’s going to be in my life, and if you want to be in it, you’d better accept that fact. Sooner rather than later.”
He goes quiet. His eyes go out over the field again and maybe he’s remembering that first night so long ago, or maybe he’s remembering any other of the hundreds of games we’ve spent coaching together. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but he finally turns to me and his face is soft.
“Okay,” he says finally. “I can accept it.”
My heart leaps. “Really?”
“Under one condition.”
I take a breath. “Dad—”
“No, you listen to me. You’re still my daughter, as much as you want to act like you’re not.”
“Okay, fine.”
He stares down at me, frowning slightly. “I’ll accept it. I won’t take it out on River anymore. I’ll try my best to move forward and get past all this if you’re willing. But if that’s what you want, then you have to quit your job. No more coaching, at least on my team.”
I stare at him, more surprised than anything else. “Why?” I ask.
“We can’t do all this and still work together,” he says. “I wish I were a bigger man, but maybe I’m just not. We can’t do this team and try to make this family come together.”
I bite my lip, staring at the ground. “This is my dream,” I say softly. “It’s what I want.”
“I know, honey. I’ll find you another job at a high school or a college or, hell, maybe another professional team, who knows. I’ll write any letter or make any call you want me to. But I can’t have you working here if you’re going to be with him. It’s just too big of a conflict.”
I nod once and squeeze my eyes shut. I knew this was coming. I’ve known it from the start, from the moment he got me pregnant.
I knew what it meant that River knocked me up.
I couldn’t be on this coaching staff anymore. The scandal alone would wreck this team and maybe even tarnish all women in the sport entirely. Dad doesn’t want that and I don’t either. If I stay around, the story will get out sooner or later, and that’ll be it.
I know it, I already knew it. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.
“Are you sure?” I ask him, almost desperate.
“You know I am,” he answers quietly. “I’m sorry, honey. It just has to be like this. You have to either stay with River and leave the team or leave River and stay with the team. One or the other but not both.”
I nod and take a deep breath. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”
“I know you will.” He hesitates a second. “And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry about how I’ve been treating you.”
“Thanks, Dad. I know.”
“I’m not sorry about how I’ve been treating River, though.”
“Yeah, I know that, too.”
He grins at me. We hug, a little awkwardly, but still. We hug and, for a second, we’re just father and daughter again.
“I’ll stay out here until practice starts,” I say to him. “Is that okay?”
“That’s fine. You don’t have to decide today. Just… soon.”
“Okay. I can do that.”
“I’ll see you later then.” He gives me one more look then turns and walks back inside.
I stand out on the field staring around me, at the empty space that’ll soon be filled by bodies playing this game I love so much. I wonder how I’m ever going to give it up and let it go, and part of me knows I’ll never be able to.
Leaving this team is going to be the hardest thing I’ll ever do. But leaving River might be just as hard, if not harder. I don’t know what I’m going to do or where I’m going to go. I feel lost, cut off. I’m drifting out in space and there’s nothing to anchor me to the ground.
I wish I didn’t agree with my dad, but I know this is the right thing in the end. I just hate it, I hate the situation.
I just have a choice now. And I need to make the right one, because my future depends on this entirely.
Stay with River and the father of my baby, lose the job I love.
Stay with the job, and lose the father.
There’s no winning.
But there’s also no turning back.
20
River
You know how it feels when a herd of stampeding bulls charge over your prone body and then a bunch of children come by to repeatedly kick you in the nuts?
That’s how I felt after that fucking football game.
I don’t really know how I got to practice the next morning. I mean, there’s an Uber receipt, but still. I basically blacked out and woke up in the training room with a bunch of guys staring at me like I was an insane monster.
And god damn, did I hurt.
I didn’t see Nicole or Chet or Coach or anything and didn’t want to. The training staff wanted to keep me under careful supervision, basically to make sure I wasn’t going to die from some internal injuries or some shit.
But fortunately, I’m very much alive.
They let me go home that night, still sore, but feeling better. The next day, I head into the facility, not totally sure where I stand on everything. I figure Coach still hates me but I can’t imagine he hates me enough to keep starting Cody. Then again, I don’t feel like I’ll ever be well enough to play again at this rate.
“River?”
I look up from my locker and spot Nicole standing in the doorway. I wondered when I’d get to see her again and I feel my heart beating fast in my chest already.
I walk over to her. “Hey,” I say. “Uh, did I run into you yesterday?”
She gives me a weird look. “You don’t remember?”
“Not really. The morning is a blur.”
“You sounded like some kind of dying animal. Seriously, River. You just kept groaning, I hurt, I hurt, over and over. It was crazy.”
I grin at her. “Sounds like me.”
“Really? That sounds like you?”
“Okay, maybe not.”
“I figured. Have you ever been a pain zombie before?”
“I don’t think so, no, just a drunk zombie.”
“G
reat. That’s better.”
I grin at her, cock my head slightly. “What did you need, little Nicole? Just wanted to make sure I’m still alive?”
“I hoped we could talk.”
“Okay then. Let’s talk. Or maybe we should do our talking in the sauna? I bet we can get some privacy in there.”
She rolls her eyes at me. “Stop it. Come on.”
She leads me away from the locker room. I follow her, out onto the field, and up the bleachers. She takes me up to the very tippy-top where we can see out over the city and the surrounding buildings.
It’s actually a nice view. Kansas is so damn flat that we can see for miles. There aren’t many trees or big buildings to obstruct our view, either.
“Okay, we’re up here,” I say to her. “It’s very dramatic. What’s up?”
“I talked to my dad yesterday,” she says.
“Oh?” I feel my stomach flip. “Nothing but good things, I assume.”
She smiles sadly. “Something like that. We did talk about you.”
“Is he going to murder me? I assume he’s going to murder me. Or at least he’s going to try.”
“Nope,” she says. “He’s not. Actually, I think you two are going to be fine.” She pauses for a second and I watch her eyes sweep over the field. I get a strange feeling before she speaks again. “I quit the team, River.”
I stare at her and narrow my eyes. “What?”
“I quit. I’m not a coach anymore.”
“No, that’s not right. No way.”
“As of this morning. I’m turning in my pass and leaving soon.”
“Wait, hold on Nicole. That’s insane. You love this job, there’s no way you have to leave it.”
“I’m sorry,” she says, shaking her head. “I just had to make a decision and this is what I chose.”
“Wait,” I say, leaning toward her. I take her hands in mine and look into her eyes. “No, listen to me. You love this job. If either of us has to leave, it should be me. I have money, and who knows, I could land somewhere else.”
She looks so sad it breaks my heart. “I don’t want you to land somewhere else, River. That’s kind of the point.”