by Hamel, B. B.
“Your dad will kill you.”
“That’s okay.” I nudge him. “You have to come in too.”
He arches an eyebrow, waking up a little more. “He’ll definitely kill me.”
“Come on. We can’t stay here.”
“We could.” He looks down at me and I know I’m not wearing any clothes. “We really could.”
“You’re insatiable.”
“You love it.”
I laugh and roll out of bed. I catch him admiring my ass while I walk to the bathroom. I shower and get dressed before he’s even out of bed.
“I’m going in,” I say. “You should come too.”
“I will,” he says. “Want me to come with you?”
“No. Come in a little bit later. Give me like an hour.”
“Okay. Should I call you an Uber?”
“Please and thank you.”
He nods, grabs his phone, and does it.
“Are you sure?” he asks. “We could give him another day to cool off.”
“Trust me. It’s better if I do this now.”
He nods once. “Good luck.”
“You too. He’s going to be harder on you than he will be on me.”
He just nods again, his face looking troubled.
I turn and leave him, as much as I don’t want to. I head downstairs and take the Uber into the office. I get there before my dad, which is a first, and find some spare clothes. I get changed right in the office, and I’m just finishing up and stashing my old dirty clothes from yesterday when he comes inside.
He pauses in the doorway and stares at me. I can’t read his face.
“Morning,” he says and finally walks in. He heads over to his desk and sits down.
“Morning.”
He rubs his eyes. He looks exhausted and part of me is happy. I hope he slept like shit.
“We should talk,” I say.
“We could skip it. Pretend it never happened.”
“Nope.”
He sighs. “Fine. Sit.”
I sit down in a chair.
“Let’s talk,” he says, but then sits back and watches me.
“You want to start?” I ask him, arching an eyebrow.
“Not particularly.”
“Dad.”
He sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. “Okay, okay, fine. I may have lost it yesterday.”
“You punched River in the face.”
“He deserved that.”
“He didn’t,” I say. “And you know it.”
He shakes his head. “He got my daughter pregnant, he—”
“He wasn’t exactly alone in that, you know, and I’m not some naive child.”
He blinks for a second, slightly surprised. “Why are you defending him?”
“Because you need to come to grips with the fact that River is the father of my child.”
“I can come to grips with that, but I don’t have to like it.”
“Yes, you do. River wants to be in this baby’s life.”
He stares at me like I’m insane. “He’s an idiot,” he says. “The guy can’t stay on a single team for more than a couple seasons at most. You think he’s going to stick around for a baby?”
I look away. That about sums up all my questions about River, but…
When he says it out loud, something clicks for me.
“I think so,” I say softly. “At least, he really seems to be trying. Dad, have you noticed that he’s always the first one here and always the last one to leave?”
“So the guy has a good work ethic when it comes to football. So what?”
“He’s trying,” I say. “He wants to do better.”
“Yeah, well, getting you pregnant was about the worst thing he could possibly do.”
I sigh and nod. “I know that. I’m not asking you to forgive him or like him or whatever. I’m just asking you to deal with him.”
Dad’s quiet for a long moment. “No,” he says finally.
I gape at him. “No?”
“No,” he repeats. “And you’re not allowed to see him again.”
I almost laugh. “You have to be joking.”
“I am not joking.” He leans toward me and I can see that anger again, the same bubbling anger from yesterday. “I thought more about it, and you know what? I never want you to see him again. I forbid it, Nicole.”
I finally do laugh. “You can’t forbid anything. How old do you think I am?”
“I think you’re still a kid and you need to listen to me for your own good.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Okay then. You’re fired.”
I sit back in my chair like he just punched me in the face. I blink rapidly, my cheeks turning red. “What?”
“You’re fired. You want to keep seeing that asshole? You’re fired from this team. Good luck getting another job in the NFL.”
I push back the angry tears. I refuse to stoop to his level. I want to stand up and scream at him but I know I can’t cause another scene.
“No,” I say. “I’m not fired.”
“You absolutely are.”
“If you fire me, I’m going to the press. I’ll tell everyone about your little outburst and about River getting me pregnant.” I pause for a second. “Not to mention I can sue for getting fired for being pregnant, since that’s discrimination.”
He barks a laugh. “You’ll humiliate yourself. And you’d never win in court.”
“Maybe, or maybe you’ll look like a total fucking asshole and people will feel bad for me. Like they should, since my own father is trying to ruin my life.”
“Ruin your life? I gave you this fucking life. And you’re throwing it back in my face with that stupid—”
“Enough,” I say, slamming my hands on his desk. He looks surprised at that and for a second it works to disrupt his anger. “You are not going to just sit there and tell me what I can and cannot do. I’m not a child anymore. And you’re not going to fire me because you’re too petty to accept that you can’t control the whole world.”
“I may not be able to control the world, but I can at least make sure that you’re not rewarded for this,” he says softly.
“I’m not rewarded, trust me,” I say miserably. “I’m going to have a baby soon, remember? And I’m going to need your help, if only you’d stop being such an asshole.”
For a second, I think that works. He looks at me like my father would, compassion in his eyes. Maybe he can see me like his little girl, see that I need his help and his love right now, not his anger and his threats.
But instead, he just shakes his head. “You won’t go? Fine then. I’ll trade River as far away as I can.”
“No,” I say. “You won’t, because I hold all the cards. This team can’t survive a scandal like this, not so soon in its life. So you’re going to suck it up, stop being such an ass, and just accept that this is how things are.”
He stares at me menacingly. “You’re really going to blackmail me?”
“I really am.” I stare right back. “I don’t want to have to, but you’re giving me no other choice.”
“Fine then,” he says softly. “You can keep your job. But get out of here. I don’t want to see you.”
I stand. “I hope you change your mind. I’m still your daughter.”
“Maybe,” he says, looking away. “Maybe not.”
I slowly leave the room, feeling like someone just punched me in the gut.
I wander the practice facility as people slowly start showing up. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I’m not a real coach, more like an advisor to my dad. If we’re in a fight, that means I’m sort of… lost. Adrift.
I’ve never seen my father like this before. I don’t know what I’m going to do. If he just hates me now then my life is going to get very difficult. I can blackmail him for a while but I know that won’t last. Sooner or later, either he gets over this or I’m going to have to find something else in my life.
And that
means I don’t know where I’ll stand with River. Without this team, he could just disappear from my life. He could get traded to California or something and I’d never see him again.
I don’t even know if that’s such a bad thing. I keep thinking I don’t want him in this baby’s life, but now suddenly the prospect of never seeing him again is starting to become real, and I don’t know what I want.
I hate the idea of losing him. I’m just so afraid of letting him into my life and having him run off, just like Dad said he might.
Finally, people start moving out to the field. I haven’t seen River yet but I’m sure he’s here. Everyone is quiet, hushed. There’s a strange funk hanging over everyone.
I guess they all heard about what happened yesterday. Hard not to talk about a thing like that.
I follow everyone out onto the field and hang off near the coaches. My father acts like I don’t exist and the other coaches seem uncomfortable with the whole thing. The players talk to me like usual, but there’s a strange, strained feeling everywhere.
And that’s when River finally heads out.
He jogs onto the field like normal and joins up with the others. Guys are whispering and the only person that approaches him at all is the kicker, Chet. I stare at River, hating myself, wishing I were somewhere else.
“River!”
Everyone looks as my dad approaches him. River turns and faces Dad like it’s no big deal.
“Morning, Coach,” he says.
“River, River, River. You’re looking a little… out of shape, son.” Coach sneers at him. Everyone’s watching and I want to fucking die.
“Am I?” River asks.
“Yes, you are. I think you ought to run all morning. What do you say?”
“Whatever you want, Coach. Where and how fast?”
“Laps. All day. Get going.”
River doesn’t hesitate. He just drops his helmet and gets moving.
Dad watches him go for a second before turning back to the rest of the guys. “You all want to fucking join him?” he shouts.
Everyone instantly gets back to work. The coaches break everyone up for drills and Dad heads back to the sideline, grumbling.
I hang off to the side, dying of embarrassment.
River just runs. All morning long, he jogs around that field. He never stops, never slows. He moves at an easy pace, but as the sun slowly rises in the sky, I can tell he’s exhausted.
Dad never tells him to stop. So River just keeps going, around and around. I expected him to stop after the first hour, after the second hour… but he’s still going, still moving.
Three hours. Four hours. Just plodding along, one foot in front of the other.
Five hours pass. The guys take an afternoon break.
“Keep going, River!” Dad shouts.
I hang out in the stands and watch as River just keeps running. Even all alone, he doesn’t stop. He looks exhausted, like he’s about to pass out at any second.
But he keeps going, one foot in front of the other.
I hate this. I hate that my dad is torturing River. I never should’ve told him. I thought he might be able to accept it, or at least he wouldn’t be this mad and lash out like a child. I never expected him to react this way, and now…
God, it’s awful. I just don’t know what to do.
The guys come back from break. River’s still going.
Six hours pass and I think River’s had it. He’s barely moving now. He’s going barely faster than a walk, more like a shamble. He’s stumbling along, sweating, red, barely alive. “Keep moving, River!” Coach shouts. “You’re looking fucking weak!”
River keeps going. One foot in front of the other.
And then, twenty minutes later, River goes down.
It’s sudden. I didn’t see it coming. He takes an odd step, stumbles, and falls flat on his face. He hits the turf and slides a foot or two before curling up on his side. Everyone stares and two trainers run toward him.
“Don’t fucking touch him!” Coach shouts. I follow as Dad runs over to River. Everyone gathers and Dad stands over top of the prone quarterback, glaring down. “You had it, son? You’re this fucking pathetic, huh?”
River groans. He blinks, opening his eyes, and looks up at Dad.
And slowly sits up.
“You think you can just do whatever you want, huh?” Dad says softly, kneeling down next to River. “But look at you now.”
“I’m not done yet, Coach,” River says softly.
“Excuse me?”
“I said, I’m not done.”
Slowly, River gets to his feet.
“River, dude…” Chet, the kicker, steps forward. “You should stop.”
A few other guys grumble, agreeing with the kicker. I stare at River, my heart pounding my chest.
River just slowly gets to his feet.
“You said to run all day,” River says. “I’m going to run all day.”
Without another word, he starts again. It’s that shambling run, barely a jog… but he’s moving.
The guys step aside and let him pass.
Dad watches him, rage in his eyes.
“That fuck you all staring at?” Dad screams. “Back to work!”
Everyone breaks up again and gets back to it. I want to pass out and die, but River just keeps going.
The rest of the practice, he runs. Well, he shambles along, at least. Until finally, Dad calls an end to it.
“Into the locker room,” he calls. “River, you’re fucking done.”
River blinks rapidly, comes to a stumbling stop, and just stands there.
Guys walk past. Chet says something to him and River just shakes his head.
Everyone files inside. Except for me and River.
I walk onto the field to meet him. Dad glances back and I know he sees what I’m doing, but I don’t care.
He’s an asshole. Fuck him.
“River,” I call out. “Hey. Are you okay?”
He looks at me and forces a smile. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so tired before.
“I think I’m dead,” he says.
“What?”
“Dead. Expired. I think I’m dead.” He groans. “Everything hurts.”
“I think you ran two marathons.”
“Closer to three.” He groans again. “My legs. They’re dead.”
“River, why the hell would you do that?”
He forces a smile on his face. “Because he can’t say I didn’t follow orders.”
“What if he tells you to do it again tomorrow?”
He laughs. “I’ll probably die.”
I shake my head and take his arm. I put it around my shoulders and he walks along with me, putting some of his weight against my body.
“You’re an idiot,” I say.
He laughs again. “But a loveable idiot.”
I can’t help but smile.
We walk into the locker room. He gets into the doorway and Chet comes over. “I’ve got him,” he says, taking over for me.
I watch as River limps inside. He looks back and smiles at me, gives me a wink, then turns and lets the guys lead him back inside.
God, what a man.
A stupid, stupid man.
But still…
I hate to admit it, but I’m impressed.
Not a lot of people could do what he did and still smile at the end of it.
I sigh and turn away. I just hope my dad doesn’t kill him before this is over.
18
River
The week that follows is the worst week of my life.
Coach doesn’t make me run every day. No, that would be too simple.
The next day he makes me lift. All day long, just lifting. At the end I’m so sore I can barely walk.
The next day, he has me throwing. Over and over and over, just throwing mindlessly. My arm’s numb when it’s over and I don’t think it’ll ever work right again.
The next day, the other coaches plead with
him to go easy on me. So he forces me to stand at the top of the bleachers and watch the practice. I’m in the summer heat all afternoon and my back is killing me at the end, but it’s actually the easiest day at least.
Finally, the weekend rolls around. “You’re benched,” is all Coach says to me on Saturday. He doesn’t force me to do anything insane at least, although I’m pretty sure I’d die if he did.
My body hurts. Every inch of me hurts. I’ve been putting myself through hell just following his orders.
I don’t know why. Any other team and I would’ve just quit. Fuck that, I’d walk away, never look back. I don’t need this shit.
But here, I can’t do that. I have more responsibilities. I have Nicole and the baby to think about.
So I suck it up. I stay quiet when I want to shout. I do what I’m told when I want to throw my hands up and quit.
I’m a good little soldier and I follow orders even when those orders are designed to kill me.
Whatever. Fuck it. At least there’s the look on Nicole’s face.
She stares at me like I’m a hero every time I refuse to quit. That feels better than basically anything else.
I can hang on to that at least.
Sunday comes and sure enough, I’m benched. Cody gets the start. This time, he doesn’t come to me and admit that he’s terrified. I’m a pariah on the team these days and I don’t blame them.
Chet’s the only one still willing to be friendly.
“Eh, fuck him,” Chet says. “I mean, if he wants to trade me, he can. I can find a new team.”
“I thought you liked it here.”
“I don’t care,” he says, shrugging. “Anyway, what’d you do to make him hate you so much?”
“Can’t tell you.”
He grins. “We all know anyway.”
“So why keep asking?”
“Confirmation.”
“Shove your confirmation up your ass,” I say, laughing.
The game starts and this time I find it pretty easy to sit back and relax. I mean, my whole body is aching and I can barely move around without pain, so I figure I’m not worth much in the game anyway.
Cody plays like shit. He throws an interception on the first drive and it’s just downhill from there. He can’t get anything going, and the only reason we’re not totally blown out is the running back is having a decent time. He scores once and sets up a couple field goals, keeping the game close.