Dark Side of the Moon

by V R Tapscott

  “Well, that all sounds good. Olive, can you do things like a water cooler or is that something we should just buy from Office Depot?”

  In an uncharacteristically serious tone of voice, Olive said “I can do about anything, but the law of diminishing returns comes in. Making five gallons of water is time consuming and takes a lot of care, for instance. Making the bottle that the water comes in is pretty easy. How about we make a kitchen area down here and buy a refrigerator for snacks and drinks, and a bar area. If this is going to be a detective agency office, we’ll need it to look impressive. I could make things like video conferencing equipment and the like, but the video down here is pretty much a showoff gesture from Kit. It’s all being run by the ship’s computer. That blank wall IS a blank wall. We should give our customers something to examine. We can have high end video conferencing equipment that they can look at and either feel superior about if theirs is nicer, or be impressed if it’s not. We should also have a server room with lots of little lights. People like lots of little lights.”

  Bailey and I looked at each other with raised eyebrows. “Wow, Olive, you go girl!”

  Olive, in a slightly smug tone of voice said, “Thanks. I try - and I read a lot on the internet. After all, I have a lot of free time while you two are sleeping, eating, and being human.”

  “How’s that body coming, Olive?”

  “It’s slow going, there’s a lot to be programmed to make a decent body that reacts correctly. I’ve been watching Pixar movies for ideas. I’ve also been asking Alexa and doing the opposite of what she says.”

  Alexa spoke up with a raspberry noise, and that’s all she would say. I think she’s getting annoyed at being picked on. Considering she runs most of the household appliances, I should be nicer to her.

  Bailey and I decided we’d head for WalMart and see what they have in the way of electronics. If we can’t find anything, we’ll probably order online, but I like getting things locally. Sooner or later, if we don’t, we won’t have the option and that will suck. We took the shortcut through the garage, and left Olive to plan the walls and the room. I could see some fuzzy looking clouds around where I’d expect stuff to be, so she was getting down to brass tacks already. I didn’t want to be in the way and cramp her style - plus I’d hate to wind up with a not-wood 2X4 bonded to my leg.

  We hashed it over a bit and decided it was better to take Threepio than Bailey’s cute little sports car. I took the back set of seats out in case we had anything big to bring back, but really it should be a shopping cart full of little boxes.

  I parked in the middle of WalMart’s huge parking lot. It being a hot day, I figured we might see some scary sights inside, but it was really pretty ordinary. A lot of girls with very few clothes on is standard for Chelan in the summer anyhow. I think most of the really out-there stuff you see online is just the few aberrations.

  That was until I saw the woman sashaying across the lot dressed in tights. And the word “tight” really doesn’t cover the situation any more than her tights did her. Definitely one of those situations where ‘yes, you can, but should you’ is valid.

  We made it to the electronics department, but almost had to gouge our eyes out looking at the guy - yes, the guy - with the thong crawling up his back. And all he had on was the thong. Oh, and a half shirt. And boots. Cowboy boots.

  We turned resolutely away, after only taking a couple pictures each. He grinned a gap-toothed grin at us when he saw us doing it. It’s my profound hope he was just dressed like that to cause dissension and chaos, and not that he thought he looked good. He was pawing through the $3 bin of DVDs, bending all the way ... down ... into the bin.

  Amazon was looking better all the time, but I gave buying local a good shot. WalMart has an amazing selection of stuff, including much more electronic gear than you’d think a town the size of Chelan would need - but it seems to sell. Or at least they seem to continue to stock it. Unfortunately, high-end video conferencing equipment was too much to ask for.

  I’d probably need to see if Olive would fly us to Seattle or Portland. I’d like to see a demo of the stuff before I plop down that much money. The bank balance says we have plenty, but I can’t see wasting it, especially since Kit won’t be adding to it. I guess I should ask Olive if she’s planning on taking any of that over.

  Defeated, we took ourselves out of the store again, resolutely ignoring the woman with three bustlines and the poor girl who seemed to have been mauled by a pack of fashionable wolves, tearing only her pants and leaving her skin.

  We piled back in Threepio and cranked him up. After this shopping trip I needed another break and at least some shaved ice. We stopped at a stand and had a cool treat while we considered our options.

  “You look exhausted, Jane. Shopping really just isn’t you, is it?”

  I sighed and looked over at the cool, imperturbable Bailey. “No. I hate shopping. It fills me with dread. I’d rather face down a pack of mountain lions than go back in WalMart.”

  She replied, “Well, I have to agree with that one, but I have a plan. How about I grab Georgia and she and I shop for the conference room equipment. I don’t have to tell her about anything except that you’re opening a detective agency. Heck, by then, we’ll probably have a conference room to show off.”

  I gave that some thought and it sounded pretty good, mostly from the standpoint I’d not have to do any more shopping. Something that gave me great pleasure. “I thought you said that Georgia was out of town?”

  “She is. But sooner or later she’ll be back IN town and I’ll catch her, and we’ll go shopping. In fact, there’s a good chance they’re about done. At any rate, you can ignore the whole thing and I’ll let you know when it’s done.”

  Since that sounded really good to me, I assented. I started Threepio again and we rolled back through town and up the hill to Bailey’s place. I dropped her there and headed home.

  Chapter Five

  Shopping plans.

  As soon as the sound of Threepio’s engine had died in the distance, Bailey was on her phone. After some strange clicks and even a watery sound, the phone began to ring. Just about as Bailey figured she’d get voicemail, a voice came on the line. It was a harried female voice, and it said, “Georgia’s phone - just a sec…”. Then the voice yelled “I don’t care about the freekin sand, just get one more shot, we’re losing the light - come on people, we wrap after this shot - just don’t foul it up!” Then, “Georgia, somebody’s on your phone!”

  Shortly, a very angry sounding Georgia came over the wire, “Don’t call me any more, Nate. Don’t write, don’t email, don’t Facebook or Instagram - don’t even frickin Tweet me.”

  Bailey snorted. “Georgie, it’s Bailey. Did I catch you in a bad life?”

  “Holy hell, Bailey, why are YOU calling me? I’m on set, can I call you back or is this life or death?”

  “It’s shopping, honey. I guess that means it’s life or death, but not urgent.”

  Georgia laughed. “I’ll call you, probably an hour or so.”

  The connection went, and Bailey tossed the phone back in her purse. She busied herself around the apartment, straightening and dusting. She spent much of her time here, but it was mostly making calls and doing computer work and it seemed that very little of it involved housekeeping. That was something she’d have to start paying attention to. She had a service in a couple times a week to make sure nothing went to rack and ruin, but other than that, not a lot happened here. She smirked to herself. Maybe that would change, now that she had a life again. Finally, after very firmly not reading her company email and paying no attention to her work voicemail, her phone buzzed. It was Georgia calling her back.

  “Hey, sweetie! What’s up?”

  “I told you, shopping!”

  “It’s about time. You need to dump the frump!”

  “Frump? This is NOT a frumpy outfit, it’s Armani.”

  “Look up frumpy in the dictionary, it’s got a picture of an Arma
ni business suit next to it.”

  Bailey pursed her lips into a raspberry. “It’s not for me anyhow. I need some audio and video equipment, like you’d see in mister Big’s conference room in a Bond movie.”

  Without hesitation, Georgia replied “Oh hell, that would be B&H in Manhattan. But they’re not cheap.”

  “I’m not looking for cheap, it needs to be impressive and work as good as it looks.”

  “Then B&H is what you want. Say, I’m flying into LaGuardia tomorrow, I’ll be staying in New York a few days - want to have lunch and do some shopping?”

  Bailey thought for a moment. “Yeah, I can fit that in. Meet me at 29 - say 2pm?”

  Georgia’s throaty voice came back, “29? Make it 4 and we’ll fill a night with it. Shopping can wait a day.”

  “You got it, babe. See you then.”

  “Ciao!”

  Bailey told her phone to call Jane, then waited impatiently while it rang. Finally, it went to voicemail. Bailey called it back and this time Jane answered. “Didn’t I just drop you off?”

  Bailey smirked. “Uh huh. But I got a date with Georgia and I wanna borrow your jet.”

  “My je ... oh.”

  “Yeah. ‘Oh’. “

  “I’ll have Olive call you.”

  “How the hell can Olive call me, she hasn’t got any fingers.”

  “I have no idea, but Kit could even text. Imagine that for a minute.”

  “Nope. Not going there. I need one of those carbon fiber cards too.”

  “Hey, I thought we were saving money here!”

  “I never said anything about saving money - I said we needed good stuff. And besides, you said you didn’t want to go back to WalMart. Are you reconsidering and you want to take this job back?”

  “Oh no, no, I’m fine. Olive will call you. I’m going back to my nap. G’bye!”

  Bailey kicked off her shoes and sat back on the couch. Just as she was about to get comfortable and start considering a Bailey’s and rum, the phone rang.

  Olive’s southern drawl came on the line, “Jet, huh?”

  Bailey laughed. “I thought that’d catch your attention. Can you fly me?”

  “Sure thing. I got nothin better on, and besides Jane says you get whatever you want. I even got one of them fancy cards for you.” With a little sarcasm, “Want any diamonds or pearls, while I’m at it?”

  “Nope, just a quick trip to New York, and then a pickup in New York sometime the next day.”

  The reply sounded a little wistful. “Sounds like fun. Maybe someday I’ll join y’all.”

  “I hope so, Olive. We’d paint the town, eh?”

  She sounded a little more upbeat, “Yeah, we would. Would you really take me with you?”

  “Olive, if you bring a body like the one I saw, I’ll kiss you myself.”

  Olive giggled. “Ok. Just remember you promised. See you at Jane’s - tomorrow?”

  “Yup. Want me to ring you first?”

  “Nah, it’s ok. I’d just be waiting by the phone for your call.”

  Bailey laughed a warm laugh. “We wouldn’t want that, would we? I was hoping you could just invisible me onto the rooftop garden at Tavern29 - think that’s possible?”

  “Oh sure. I can see a nice spot behind the air conditioning ducts - I can just land there and you can walk into the place like you just came from downstairs. We can hang around up in the sky until it looks like a good time for you to walk out.”

  “Holy crap, Olive, you can see that?”

  “I can see everything, Bailey. Kit was very ... inquisitive and I have all his data. And some of my own. There are lots and LOTS of satellites out there.”

  “I’d better talk some more with Jane about this mystery man, Kit. He sounds like he really had things on the ball.”

  “Well, I can see from the data that he genuinely liked Jane. At least, as much as ... as ... a machine could.”

  Bailey frowned. “Jane never thought of Kit as a machine, Olive. And she doesn’t think of you as a machine either. She was nearly in tears when you had your ... down time ... she thought that she’d accidentally KILLED you.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really. So, stop worrying about it. No one talking with you would ever have any idea you weren’t a human. Jane said that Kit played some Crafts of War - have you tried it? She seemed to think that Kit got a better understanding of being human by interacting in that game.”

  Olive sounded a little embarrassed, “I’ve played some, but I never have gotten anything like as good as Kit did. I’m just a simple mage, but I liked playing. At least the little bit that I have.”

  “Did you know Jane plays a mage?”

  “Yes! Do you think she might play with me someday? “

  “I know she would if you asked. I don’t think she plays much anymore, but it’s always fun to go back. Or at least I guess it is, I’ve never played.

  “I’ll talk with Jane and see if she’ll play with me. I’d like to be a better player and I do have to admit I find it interesting, all the strange people out there.

  “Tell you what, I’ll take you to Tavern29 and Jane will take you to some video game. THEN you can decide which of us you like better.”

  “I think I like you both, Bailey.” Olive said quietly.

  Chapter Six

  A Missive from the East.

  Iturned my nap into a whole night of sleep. I guess I needed it, or at least that’s what I told myself. WalMart apparently really took it out of me! I wandered into the kitchen, grabbed some cereal and sat in my little corner nook to eat it.

  It looked like it was going to be a perfect day outside. I usually left the windows open at night in the summers and it was so cheering to wake up and hear the birds. There’s just nothing that says summer more than kids yelling and birds singing. And coffee. But that says summer any time of the year. Or at least wake up and smell the chlorine.

  I finished off my cereal, and went downstairs to the garage. Or, what used to be the garage. Holy smokes, Olive had really run with the whole idea.

  “Olive, my gosh, it’s beautiful! You are STELLAR!”

  I could practically hear her blushing in her voice, “Oh, thank you, Jane! I worked pretty hard on it, I wanted you to see it this morning.”

  I walked off the bottom of the stairs into what looked to be a medium sized reception area. It was all chrome and glass with burled wood accent panels. A desk a bit smaller than an executive desk was there, obviously guarding the entrance to the conference room. There was a wall of windows that seemed to look out on an atrium, complete with fountain. I jumped as a bird flew past the “window” - apparently each of the windows was actually a large-screen video display. I wasn’t over-hyping, it was amazing.

  I stepped through the doorway into a full-size conference room. The interior of the room matched the look of the reception area and Olive had put up a beautiful thick wood conference table in kind of a boomerang shape, so that people could look at each other or the presentation. She’d left plenty of room for a giant video screen in front, and the interior of the boomerang held an equipment desk where the cameras and electronics would sit.

  Off to one side was the discreet door of a restroom, perfectly appointed, and to the rear of the room was a full wet bar, only lacking the refrigerator and, of course, liquid refreshments of various sorts. And a Kuerig, come to think of it.

  “This is truly amazing, Olive. You are a gem!”

  “Thank you, Jane. I just got ideas off the internet though.”

  “Well, you certainly ran with them! Now if we can just get Bailey to get the equipment, we’ll be home free!”

  “I’ll be taking Bailey to New York today - she and Georgia will be shopping for all that stuff.”

  “Better them than me, Olive, better them than me!”

  Later, I was going through the mail and found an interesting appearing envelope. It was all long and elegant and looked to be made of parchment. The addressing was by hand, and
it was in perfect calligraphy and somehow old fashioned - as from an earlier time. I carefully opened the envelope and drew out a piece of very formal looking parchment, a match for the envelope. In reading it through it, I found to my shock that Mister Shun from the Tibet Museum in Lhasa was planning on being in Seattle for a conference, and would like to pay me a visit here in Chelan. Seems he had always had a hankering to look at true apple country and this was his chance. I smelled a small rat since it seemed so very strange that he’d travel thousands of miles to see apples, but who was I to argue. He was the one travelling thousands of miles, after all! My only problem was going to be how to answer with the same formality he had shown. I had no idea where to even find parchment, let alone being able to address it that way. I thought I’d wait to hear from Bailey, since she’d had a lot of dealings with formal people and would know what they expect.

  Coincidentally, Bailey walked through the door at just about that time. After ahhing and oooing over Olive’s construction work, I showed her the letter.

  She looked at me, then shook her head. “Just a vacation, huh?”

  “Well, what was I going to say? I was looking for spaceship parts at one of the most prestigious museums in Tibet?”

  She muttered, “Well, you could have told me after. So, who is this guy? I mean, why is he coming here? It’s obvious it’s not for the apples, although we DO have great apples.”

  “I have no idea. Maybe he just likes me?”

  She looked at me speculatively. “How old is he?”

  “He’s like - 80.”

  “Well, you never know what’s going on in the head of these old guys - but I have a feeling it’s pretty much the same thing going on in the head of a young guy. And a young girl. Or an old girl. Humans are pretty much the same thing, no matter the age.”

  I frowned at her. “Bailey, he’s not coming all the way from China to jump my bones. And besides, at this point Dale has first dibs on any bone jumping that might be done.”