Cursed or Blessed

by A. L. Martin

  After I closed the door, I turned back around to look at Sophie and Braedon to see if they had heard what Mr. Foster said about Caleb. Braedon was standing there in a blank stare, while Sophie stood there frozen with her mouth wide open. The biggest question was why he did it. I figured we would find out in the papers before he went to trial for their murders.

  “I know dinner is on the table, but we need to go celebrate,” Mom said, walking to the kitchen. “Let me put everything in bowls before we leave.”

  ****

  The next morning I woke up wondering if last night had really happened or if I had dreamt the whole thing. I laid there in bed, enjoying the feeling that I wasn’t going to trial, but I was still heartbroken for my friends. I wasn’t able to help them the way I wanted too, and that guilt would be with me forever.

  “Karsyn, can I come in?” Emerson asked through my door.

  “Sure,” I yawned.

  She walked in closing the door behind her, then sat on the edge of the bed beside me. “I didn’t get a chance to talk to you last night while we were all out celebrating. I’m glad all the charges have been dropped against you. I know you feel like you didn’t help them, but you helped more than you realize. You were able to give two families closure. Because of you, they know who did this to them, and that person is going to be held accountable for their deaths,” she scooted closer, giving me a hug. I didn’t want to make a sudden move in fear she might get spooked like a skittish animal. Emerson wasn’t one to give out free hugs unless it was to her benefit.

  “Well, I better let you get up and get ready for school so we aren’t late. Again, I’m glad you can be with Sophie and Braedon today at school,” she smiled, closing my door behind her.

  By some miracle, I was able to get ready about fifteen minutes before we had to leave for school. I didn’t feel like having anything at home for breakfast, so I yelled for Emerson to hurry up if she wanted to make a run to Starbucks before school. We were going to be a little late to school if we stopped, but I didn’t care. I was tired of worrying about getting in trouble all the time.

  ****

  Sophie was waiting for me at my locker so we could walk to the cafeteria together. We took our usual way there, dodging in and out of crowds of kids walking through the halls. We paused a few feet in front of Alexina’s locker. We stood there gazing at all the flowers, stuffed animals, and notes kids had left. I knew our friendship would never be the same without Alexina around, but she would always be with us. I felt bad that I hadn’t left anything for her yet. I asked Sophie if she had left anything for Alexina. She wiped a tear away, then pointed to a fluffy black and white kitten with long whiskers. On the little rectangle tag that attached around its neck, it had both of our names.

  “I hope you don’t mind, Karsyn. I knew you were stressed with thinking you might be going to trial, so I put your name down too.”

  “I don’t mind. Thank you. I’m truly sorry about Alexina. I wished I could have done more.”

  “You helped find their killer. I know her parents are grateful. I went by to see them last night after the celebration dinner. I told them all about you, and they asked me if you were going to be at the visitation Saturday. I told them I didn’t know. I think you should go.”

  “I don’t know, Sophie. I feel so guilty that I didn’t do more.”

  “Stop, Karsyn! You can’t keep doing this to yourself every time. Come on before Braedon freaks out that you haven’t turned the corner yet,” she said, tugging on the sleeve of my peach colored sweater.

  We turned the corner, and my phone buzzed. I looked up at Braedon and told him he could stop freaking out. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into him. “I’ve missed you these past few days. I think I am entitled to freak out a little bit,” he said, holding the door open for me. I walked through with Sophie, and Braedon quickly took my hand and led me over to the salad bar first before checking out what they had for lunch.

  We talked all the way to our table, where Sophie was already waiting for us. “Aren’t you going to get something to eat, Sophie?” I asked, sitting my salad plate down on the table.

  “Yeah, I wanted to get our old table. Remember the good times we had at this table?”

  “Well, I see Braedon let you sit by him today. You do realize he will be done with you before you know it, and you will be all alone again,” Blair said, flipping her dark hair behind her shoulder. I had to admit she had cute clothes, but I would never let her know that. Her ankle boots clicked against the floor as she stepped closer to our table. She smiled at Braedon, then turned to glare at me and Sophie. I didn’t have to take her shit anymore, and it was going to end today.

  “I’ve got some news for you Blair, so listen carefully. I hope your under-developed brain will be able to comprehend what I am about to say to you, so pay attention. He doesn’t want your ass! He had a brief moment with a lack of judgment, but I think he realized that you truly are a HUGE BITCH! Quit trying to throw yourself at him. It won’t work. He’s made up his mind about you, and you have no one to blame but yourself.”

  “How dare you even talk to me! I don’t associate with criminals. Maybe, I should tell everyone in here about you? That you killed them.” She glared, moving her finger around to point at the kids behind her.

  I laughed rolling my eyes at her. “Oh, you are so cute at times, but mainly annoying. I am no longer a suspect. Listen, and listen good…Stay the hell away from my boyfriend!”

  Sophie was dying in her seat. She was laughing so hard, I thought I saw a few tears roll down her cheeks. Braedon sat there with a smile on his face. Blair stood there glaring at all three of us, trying to come back with something. I could see the kids sitting at tables around us over Blair’s shoulder, laughing and pointing over at us.

  “Did you have something else you wanted to say?” I asked, sitting down next to Braedon.

  “If not, could you please move? You’re ruining my view.”

  She looked at all of us, then started to open her mouth to say something, but flinched from Sophie’s snorting from laughing so hard.

  “Bye, Blair. Run along now,” I said, pointing back to her table.

  “OMG!” Sophie managed to spit out in between snorts. “Oh…” she gasped for air.

  “That was the best ever! Alexina would have been so proud of you, Karsyn,” she smiled.

  It felt good, to be honest, to be able to say what I had wanted to say, but was too scared because of my visions. I knew Rylee would have been proud too. She always told me to not be afraid to stand up to people. My biggest regret was that I wasn’t able to help Rylee at all. When we moved away, the police were still searching for her killer.

  ****

  The rest of the day had a somber feel to it. I knew it was because the next day was Alexina and Tyler’s visitations. I wanted to go, but I was also terrified I would break down apologizing for not being able to save them. The visitation definitely wasn’t the time or place to be ridden with guilt.

  Throughout the remaining hours of school, kids would stop at Alexina’s and Tyler’s lockers. There wasn’t much teaching going on in my last classes either. Each class seemed to follow the same ritual. Everyone walked in the classroom, took a tissue from the teacher’s desk on the way to their seat, and then proceeded to tell stories about Alexina and Tyler. In one class, Laura started to talk about Alexina, and how they played at each other’s houses growing up. She had to stop a couple of times during her story to grab a tissue and dap the tears before they streaked her makeup.

  I sat there in the middle of the classroom surrounded by kids crying and consoling one another when the horrible thought flashed in my mind. When will my next vision happen, and will it be another classmate/friend that I won’t be able to save? Warmth flooded over my body, and I felt my heart pounding in my throat on up to my ears the longer I sat there looking around and listening to Laura talk about Alexina. There was no way I was going to be able to keep my composure during the visitation.
I felt guilty for so many things today. Guilt over not being able to save my friends, guilt for wanting the day to hurry up and end.

  I texted Emerson to make sure she was going to be ready to leave at the last bell. I was ready for the day to be over. She was outside the school door five minutes after the last bell of the day.

  ****

  I immediately started texting Sophie and Braedon the minute I got upstairs with my drink and sandwich. I got so busy telling off Blair at lunch that I wasn’t able to eat any of my salad. It was so worth the starvation I felt when I got home from school.

  We texted back and forth about the kind of day tomorrow was going to be with the visitations and that they both would be with me. I knew the guilt would be with me for a long time, but I would be able to deal with it better with Braedon and Sophie by my side. I wouldn’t be alone this time.

  Kurt came up to my room an hour after I had been home. He had been engrossed in a movie. I had told him to come up after the movie was over and I would tell him about my day. We sat on the bed talking, while he ate his sandwich. I told him about telling off Blair. He gave me a high-five and fell backward on my bed laughing. After he was done laughing, I took a sip of my drink. “Kurt, will you go with me tomorrow to the visitation?” I peeked over at him.

  “Yes. I had planned on going with you. I don’t think Braedon and Sophie would be able to keep you under control. No offense, but they haven’t known you long.”

  “I am not going to argue with you. You would be able to keep me from freaking out and apologizing all over the place.”

  ****

  I woke up the next morning with a heavy heart for my friends as we would start the process of saying goodbye to them. I had to remain strong today. I just didn’t know how I was going to accomplish it. Mom came up to check on me right as I got out of bed, to make sure I was going to be okay today. I told her that I would be with Braedon, Sophie, and Kurt, and that I had to be strong for my friends. She asked if I wanted breakfast, but I wasn’t that hungry. She kissed me on the forehead, then headed back downstairs, closing my door behind her. I laid there, looking at the picture of Rylee over on my dresser. I missed her so much and needed her advice more than ever. I reached over and grabbed my phone off my nightstand, and saw I had a text from Braedon.

  Morning, Karsyn. I will be at your house around 1 to pick you up. I will be right there with you, I’m not going anywhere. I love you.

  I laid my phone back down on my nightstand, flipping my comforter back, and the chill of my room, puncturing through my yoga pants. I got up and went over to my dresser, grabbing my favorite pair of fuzzy socks out of the drawer. I sat down in the chair next to my window and put them on real quick.

  “You still have those things?”

  I sat there frozen, still hunched over from pulling my fuzzy sock up. I slowly raised up, looking over towards my bed. “Rylee?”

  “Hi, Karsyn. I couldn’t stay away any longer. I’ve really missed you.” She said, walking over towards my dresser, staring at pictures of us together. “I remember when this was taken,” she sighed.

  I sat there staring at her afraid to look away in fear she would be gone when I turned back around. She was dressed in her favorite navy sweater and ripped blue jeans that she was buried in. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t able to save you, Rylee. I hope you can forgive me,” I said, swiping at the tears, running down my cheeks.

  “That is why I’m here, Karsyn. I don’t blame you. You aren’t to blame for my death, and I know you tried to save me. This guilt you carry around with you every day is keeping you from moving on with your life. Karsyn, you need to let go of the guilt and get on with your life. Remember the great times we had while I was alive, and stop focusing on my death. Promise me you will stop blaming yourself. You aren’t to blame.” She smiled at me.

  “I promise, Rylee. I miss you so much.”

  “I know, Karsyn. It’s time to let go,” she said, smiling as she walked toward my bedroom door.

  “Karsyn?” Emerson said, opening the door. “Are you okay?” she asked, walking over towards me.

  I sat there as tears dripped off my chin. “Yeah, I was just thinking about Rylee with everything that has been going on.”

  “I’m sorry about your friends, Karsyn,” she said, walking back to my door. “Oh, I almost forgot, Mom wanted me to see if you wanted some fruit or anything else for breakfast. I can bring it up to you, while you get ready.”

  “I’m not really hungry. Could you bring me up some juice?” I said, getting into my dresser drawer.

  “Yes. Are you going to get a shower? If so, I will just set it on your nightstand.”

  “Yes. Thanks, Emerson.”

  “You’re welcome. I will leave it on your nightstand,” she said, walking out of my bedroom.

  There was a blueberry muffin on a plate beside the glass of juice Emerson had brought up while I was in the shower. Mom knew I couldn’t resist her muffins, and she was right.

  I grabbed the white handles of the closet, took a deep breath, and opened the doors. There waiting in the back behind all of jeans and sweaters was the black dress I wore to Rylee’s funeral. This was one piece of clothing I was hoping that I wouldn’t be seeing for a long time. I knelt down on the floor, sifting through my various pairs of shoes for my black flats that I only wore with this particular dress. I changed into the short sleeved black dress and slipped on the flats.

  “Karsyn, Braedon is here. Are you ready to go?” Kurt asked through my closed door.

  “Yes. I will be there in a minute.” I took a deep breath and got up from my vanity, grabbing my grey cardigan I had laid out on the bed earlier.

  Braedon was standing between the stairs and the front door talking to Kurt when I walked out of my room. Braedon was in a pair of black slacks and burgundy polo. Kurt was in black slacks as well, along with a white button down shirt. I walked down the stairs and over to Kurt and gave him a great big hug. “Thank you for going with me to the visitations.”

  “Anytime. You know I will always be here for you. I mean that. I talked to Aunt Jenna and Uncle Stephen about moving here. They told me the spare bedroom is mine till the time is right to get my own place,” he said, giving me another hug before letting go of me.

  I took a few steps closer to Braedon, reaching for his hand. “Are you okay?”

  “No, but I know you will be with me.”

  I went into the family room to let my parents know we were leaving for the school now and gave them each a hug. I walked in between Braedon and Kurt out to the truck. Kurt got in the backseat behind the passenger seat, while Braedon helped me up in the truck.

  The closer we got to the school, I went back and forth between fidgeting with the strap of my wristlet and twisting my hair. I had no idea how people were going to treat me when I entered the gym, but I had to pay my respects to my friends. Braedon grabbed my hand after about the fifth time of twisting my strap.

  “Karsyn, we are going to make it through this together.”

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you much. I’ve been a horrible girlfriend,” I sighed.

  “Karsyn, none of this was your fault. It’s been rough, I’m not going to lie. You are here now, and that’s all that matters.”

  We were able to get to the back of the school relatively easy, considering the entrance to the gym was backed up down the road. We drove down to the back of the gym, and there we saw Sophie in a long-sleeved black dress and flats. She had a handful of tissues in her left hand. Braedon helped me out of the truck, and I ran over to her, wrapping my arms around her neck.

  “Are you okay? I’m so sorry that I wasn’t able to be there for you, Sophie. Please forgive me.”

  “Karsyn, you did more than anyone. You helped find the killer, and have brought some sort of closure. You don’t have to be afraid to go in there. It’s going to take time, but all of us will eventually be okay,” she said, opening the back door to the gym.

  Braedon took my hand o
nce we were inside the gym doors. I looked around and it didn’t look like our gym anymore with all the flowers that were being brought in by men in black suits. At the front of the gym were two white caskets, opened with sprays of flowers adorned in the corners of both. Kids from every grade were lined up from the caskets all the way back to the glass doors, leading out to the lobby. Sophie took me by the hand and started to lead me toward the front of the line to Alexina and Tyler’s caskets.

  “Sophie, I can’t do this,” I whispered, looking around the gym. Kids were starting to stare our way, and I knew the reason why.

  “Karsyn, you can do this. All of us together can do this. Their parents want to say something to you. It will be okay. No one blames you for their deaths.”

  I looked at her, tears welling up in my eyes. Warmth flooding my cheeks. “Thank you, Sophie. Those simple words mean everything to me,” I pulled her in for a big hug.

  She led us over to Alexina’s parents first because Tyler’s parents were talking to a family that had been waiting in line. I lowered my head and slowly glanced over towards Alexina’s casket. She looked peaceful, even though her death was far from peaceful. Her hair was curled, her makeup flawless, and she was dressed in her favorite ripped jeans and fuzzy pink sweater. I couldn’t move any closer to her, as if gravity had a firm grip on me. Mr. and Mrs. Mayer looked tired and older than the last time I saw them a few weeks ago. Their eyes were bloodshot, puffy, with dark circles, and the tears cascaded down the abundance of wrinkles left by the still ever-so-fresh tragedy that had fallen upon the couple.

  Mrs. Mayer stepped closer to me, taking my hands in hers. She looked down at my hands and whispered. “Thank you.” She raised her head back up tears flowing down her face. “Sophie talked to us the other night about how you helped to find the boy that did this to Alexina and Tyler. I’m sorry the police treated you that way. Alexina always talked about you. She really liked you. Thank you for being a good friend to her.” She lowered my hands down and gave me a hug. I turned to look at Sophie, who was pulling another tissue from the collection she had in her hand. I held my hand out for one myself. I was about to walk away when Mr. and Mrs. Evans walked over to me.