“I already wish your six months were up.”
“Me too.”
“Me three,” I tack on.
Connor laughs. “She’s a pistol.”
“Always has been.” Declan’s voice is smooth like whiskey as he stares at me.
I will not let it warm me. I fight the pull to put his lips to mine and take a slow, long sip until his fire burns through my veins. However, I know what happens when I play with fire … I end up with a baby.
Dinner is … tense.
No matter how hard I try, I can’t ignore the brooding man beside me. Ellie and Connor are sitting, hands held on the table, and my heart aches a little. That used to be Declan and me. We were the couple so deliriously in love that we were unable to resist touching each other.
Now, we’re both sitting, ram-rod straight with our hands clasped in our own laps.
I smile at the right time and answer the questions that are asked, but I feel as though I have my hand on an electric wire, waiting for the first current to electrocute me.
Not even Hadley could lessen the tension. As soon as dinner was done, she begged her parents to let her go out to her tree mansion. I look over at the clock for the fortieth time and note it’s only been two minutes since Hadley disappeared. It would be rude to leave before seven, which means I only have twenty-three more minutes of torture to endure.
Ellie wipes her mouth, not removing the grin from her lips as though she knows what I’m thinking. “Dessert will be in about a half hour,” she says.
“I’d love some dessert,” Declan states.
My eyes narrow at Ellie. “I don’t know that I can stay.”
“Really? Why not?” There is innocence in her voice, but I’m not buying it.
Because I’m going to be in jail for murder.
“I have a big case tomorrow,” I lie.
Ellie’s brows lift. “You do?”
I release a breath through my nose. “I do.”
Connor’s eyes move between us for a second, and then he decides to take the wheel of the bus currently backing over me. “You said you weren’t in court until next week.”
“I got an email saying they’re moving it up.” My tone is curt, and I hope I injected enough warning.
“Interesting,” Ellie adds before bringing her glass to her lips.
“Well, you know, I should actually get going now. Beat the traffic home and get a jump on things. I would hate for my client to be let down.”
Connor’s hand darts out, gripping my wrist. “Can you wait five minutes? Ellie and I wanted to talk to you both.”
I already know what they’re going to talk to us about and have no idea why I’m being forced to stay, but I nod and relax back into my seat. I may want to kick their asses right now, but my happiness for them doesn’t overshadow that.
“What’s wrong?” Declan’s voice immediately turns into concern.
“Nothing,” Connor says.
Ever the protector, Declan shifts forward, and his eyes bounce from Connor to Ellie. “Are you okay? Hadley?”
“We’re fine, Mom.” Connor rolls his eyes. “It’s nothing bad. In fact, it’s great news. We’re getting married.”
My smile is automatic and tears burn the backs of my eyes. I’m so happy for her. “Married? You’re getting married? Seriously?”
Ellie nods, her own eyes brimming with moisture. “And we’re pregnant.”
“I knew that part, but I didn’t know he proposed!” I scream and rush toward Ellie. My arms wrap around her as I hold on tight. Could this be any better for them? No, it can’t.
Ellie is going to marry Connor, and it’s all so damn perfect.
“When?” I ask as I pull back.
“Umm, we’re thinking about two months from now. You know … before I start showing.”
I grin and nod. At least now I don’t have to worry about being the size of a house at the reception.
“Wow, that’s soon and a lot of news,” Declan says as he stands, pulling his brother toward him in an awkward hug.
“I hope you’re happy for us.” Connor’s voice is firm.
“I’m so happy for you!” I say and then give Declan a look of warning. If he ruins this, I’ll beat him with his own arms.
Dec smiles as he pats his shoulder. “Of course I am. My baby brother found a girl who is willing to put up with his stupid ass for the rest of his life.”
I release a deep breath and hug Ellie again. I was worried about what he would say. While there is basically a year between each brother as they go down the line, he’s always been older at heart and his heart has hardened since he left.
Years ago, Declan was easy with a smile and a laugh. It seems that time has made him less of the boy I knew and more of the man I no longer recognize.
He’s always been strong but never with this armor that nothing other than an eight-year-old could penetrate, especially not me.
I was once the exception, now it’s as though it’s physically painful to look at me.
Ellie releases me and then Connor pulls her to his side. “I’ve been dying to tell you. But we also wanted you guys at dinner to ask if you’d stand up with us?”
I cover my mouth and nod as tears fall without hesitation. “I would be honored.”
Connor and Declan share some weird brother hand clap, and then it’s my turn to pounce on Connor.
“I’m so happy for you. So, so, happy it’s not even normal,” I tell him quietly.
“I am too, Syd. I didn’t think I would ever find someone like Ellie. I still don’t deserve her.”
I smile, loving that he feels that way. Not because he doesn’t deserve her, which is the furthest thing from the truth, but because it shows how much he wants to be good for her. “You deserve her, if for no other reason than because you don’t believe you do. You’ve cherished Ellie, protected her, and been the man I’ve always known you to be, and that’s why you both are perfect for each other.”
He pulls back to assess me in a strange way. “You deserve happiness too. Even if you and Declan never get your heads out of your asses, you shouldn’t give up on being happy.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
The question makes my heart sink. “I think I do.”
His gaze shifts to where his older brother is deep in conversation with Ellie. “You know, I never wanted to be alone for the rest of my life. I’d resigned myself to it, sure, but I had a different vision. I never knew a love like you and Dec had, and it was something that Jacob, Sean, and I were always jealous of. To meet the person who was your other half when you were just kids. But, Declan, he hardened himself when he walked away from you. He put up a wall so high I’m not sure anyone can scale it. He won’t even entertain the idea of wanting what I have now.” Connor’s lips purse and then he shakes his head. “I’m just saying that some of us can’t undo what we’ve done.”
Declan may not want a family, but he isn’t going to have a choice in about seven months.
“Good thing I have no intention of becoming a climber,” I say, knowing I have rope and an axe, and am preparing to start my ascent, hoping I don’t break when I fall.
Chapter Seven
Declan
Married and a baby. Jesus, could he have at least waited a bit? I know he loves Ellie, and it’s clear they’re great for each other, but it seems so damn fast.
“You can wipe that look off your face,” Connor says as he hands me a beer. “No one is asking you to follow in my footsteps.”
I take the bottle and raise the neck to his. “Here’s to that.”
“What?”
“That I won’t be following in your footsteps.”
He chuckles once and then takes a long pull from the beer. After releasing a deep breath, he goes silent for a few moments. We sit on the porch of the house that holds such a fucking host of memories. Some good, some bad, some I would give anything to forget.
“You know we’re nothing like him, right
?”
The question causes me to sit straighter. “Who?”
“Dad. We’re nothing like him. We’re not cruel, heartless—well, you might be heartless, I’ve yet to figure that out.”
“Funny.”
Connor shrugs. “I’m just saying that the vow we all made was meant to protect not only us but also the women we might have loved and kids we may have fathered. I have never raised my fists in anger, not even if I drank too much. We are nothing like him.”
He can’t know that. He might be nothing like him, but I’m not so sure. I get angry. I’ve wanted to throw someone through a wall, and that scared me more than anything. I never did it, but I’ve seen rage.
“I’ll never take the chance.”
“So, you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone and pissed off?”
“No,” I say quickly. “I’ll be rich, happy, uncomplicated, and still worrying about my three brothers and their shitty life choices.”
I glance through the window, seeing Sydney and Ellie laughing about something, and my chest tightens. Why does seeing her hurt so fucking much? After all this time, I would’ve hoped to be over her, but then how do you really get over losing the only thing you ever wanted?
She’s beautiful, even more so than she was when we were teenagers. Her hair falls in waves down to the middle of her back, and her blue eyes are even brighter than I remembered. I would give anything to go back in time and have her the way I used to.
Sydney was free in her love. She didn’t hold back or make me work for it. She gave it away. I wasn’t worthy of it, but God, I took all of it.
“She could forgive you, you know?” Connor says as he notices where my eyes landed.
“No.”
“You could also forgive yourself, but we both know that’s not going to happen.”
“When did you become a fucking shrink?” I toss back at him, wanting to stop this conversation.
He laughs and then drains his beer. “You know, I know you’re the older one and supposed to be wiser, but you’re the dumb one.”
I get to my feet, glaring at my younger brother. “Dumb? I’m dumb? I’m the one who saved your ass over and over again. I’m the one who doesn’t have anything in the world I’m worried about losing.”
“And you think that makes you better? I’ll tell you, Dec, there’s nothing in this life like having someone by your side and kids. Nothing. We’re not the sins of our past, but we spent eight years living there.”
He’s unreal. He finds Ellie and suddenly thinks all of us can just go back to a life we were never meant to have? It isn’t that easy. Eight years ago, I gave up everything for them. I walked away from Sydney to protect not only my brothers but also her.
I knew I could never stay here. I don’t want a farm life or anything like this. Maybe if I hadn’t spent time in New York, I could’ve found a way, but when I went to college, I changed. I saw the world was ripe with possibilities, ones that didn’t have shit to do with cows and land. I found that I was smart and could run a business without anyone’s fucking help.
I did it all.
There are too many nights I work late. Too many weeks where I’m inundated with fires I need to put out, and I never could have handled any of that if I were with her.
So, walking away from her was the hardest thing I ever did as well as the most selfless.
And I’d do it every time.
Loving her would only bring her pain, and I would cut my fucking arm off before I ever let that happen again.
“You act as though this is all so easy, Connor. Some of us made decisions that night that can’t be undone.”
“And I think Ellie and I understand that more than most.”
I let my head fall back and stare at the night sky. He’s right. God, everything has been such a mess, and I’m tired of it. “Do you remember when life was easy?”
“I remember when Mom was alive, but after that …”
“It definitely wasn’t easy.”
It’s sad to see how one instant can alter the trajectory of a life. I had plans, even at eleven years old. I was going to be just like my dad. I wanted to run this farm, live here and raise a family, have it all, just like my parents.
Then she died, and the dream disappeared.
“Being here, it’s fucking horrible. I thought since I’ve been back a few times that it wouldn’t be this hard.”
Connor’s hand rests on my shoulder. “I know it better than anyone. It isn’t easy and you feel like you’re crawling out of your skin.”
“Does it get easier?” I ask him.
“Yes and no. Some days, I swear I can hear him yelling and can remember the feeling before his fist hit my face. Memories and nightmares lurk in every corner of this place.”
I turn my head back to the house, seeing the girls and Hadley dancing around the living room. “But they were never the nightmare.”
Connor looks over with a gentle smile. “No, they’re the light that shines when you open your eyes and realize you’re not in that hell anymore.”
“The first time Dad ever hit me, I went to Syd’s. She brought me into her house, put ice on my eye, and gave me some milk with cookies. I remember thinking, this is the girl I want to marry.” I laugh once. “I loved her more than anything and I still believe that leaving her was the right thing to do.”
“But?” Connor asks.
“But being back here, seeing her, it’s going to be agony.”
Connor places his beer down and sighs deeply. “You being stubborn is what is agony. Tell her the truth, Dec. Let her know all the stupid shit and the hurt we went through. Don’t lie to her anymore and stop pretending that you don’t love her and want her.”
Wanting her and having her are two totally different things. It’s not just about the promise we made, it’s about knowing that this isn’t the right life for us. She needs someone who is whole and willing to give his heart without reservations and a man who will stay. That man is not me.
“I will never love anyone enough to want to marry them. I will never have the life you have, and there’s nothing about it that makes me sad. I like being single. I like not having to worry about anyone or anything. The fucking idea of being strapped with some kid is enough to make me want to hurl myself off a cliff. I will never be a father, and I make damn sure of that because it’s the last thing I want. So, I’m happy that it’s your dream, brother, because it’s my fucking nightmare.”
I hear a gasp, and when I look at the door, Sydney is there, having heard every goddamn word of the lie I told.
Chapter Eight
Sydney
“Syd, wait,” Declan says as I’m trying to make my way to the car.
“Why?”
There’s no point. He made it abundantly clear that having a wife and kids was a nightmare to him. I’m not stupid enough to misunderstand that.
“The fucking idea of being strapped with some kid is enough to make me want to hurl myself off a cliff.”
Well, the cliff is right there buddy, so get ready to jump.
“Because what I said came out wrong.”
That pulls me up short. I turn, and he skids to a stop with apprehension clear in his beautiful green eyes. “What came out wrong?”
“The whole thing.”
“So, you want to love someone enough to marry them? I mean … clearly, you didn’t love me enough, and you let me know as much, but I’m just clarifying for the future women you may meet.”
Declan sighs. “I’m never getting married.”
“Okay,” I say very matter-of-factly. “Did I misunderstand that you wanted kids then?”
“No.”
One single word. One word that is so clear and unmistakable that it rocks me to my core.
“No wife. No kids. No Sugarloaf. What exactly am I misunderstanding?”
His hand grips the back of his neck, and he starts to pace. “It wasn’t the words or the meaning, it was how it was said. I know you don
’t understand, but the shit I went through—”
“Absolutely not.” I cut him off. “You are not going to use your past against me. I was there. I watched it all go down just as surely as I watched you leave. You came back to my house two months ago and, what? Couldn’t help revisiting a woman who gave herself to you a million times? Because that’s all I am, right? A memory of the hurt and pain you endured in this town?”
“You were never the hurt and pain.”
I shake my head with a half laugh. “No, that was what I got as a consolation prize.”
His jaw is set, and I can see him working through it all. I’m forever giving him lectures, but this is going to stop. He is never going to change, and I am always going to want more. How can we be civil? How can we find a middle ground when we’re on opposite ends of the spectrum? It’s only going to hurt us both and the baby that is going to come into this world.
God, the baby.
My heart aches, and I want to cry.
When did he stop being the kind, sweet guy who would talk about the life we were going to have, including children, and turn into this cynical bastard?
“Hurting you then and now is the last thing I want.”
“Then maybe you should keep your mouth shut when I’m around—or, better yet, stay away from me, Declan. I can’t handle more heartache.”
With that, I get in my car, leaving him behind, and fighting back tears the entire way home.
“Why are you really here, Syd?” my sister, Sierra asks.
My nephews are running around, pretending to shoot each other, as I sit on the deck, staring out at the rolling hills, not even remembering the ride over.
“I needed to get away.”
I needed to forget the man who is in the town that has been my home. It’s been three days since that dinner, and I haven’t seen him since, but I still feel him.
My heart is heavy, my chest is tight, and I have this urge to go to him, tell him everything, and pray we can at least be friends, but I know better. He doesn’t want me, and he definitely doesn’t want a child.
Fight for Me Page 5