“Because Declan is there?”
She knows me too well. “It’s hard being anywhere in his vicinity.”
“I can imagine. If I had to be in the same town as Alex and not be his wife, I don’t know if I could do it.”
She and Alex are the poster children for the perfect marriage. They met in college, she made him work ridiculously hard to prove his worth, and they married once they were sure they could last. I would’ve married Declan at eighteen.
“He doesn’t want me, just like every other guy.” She takes my hand and then slaps me on the back of the head with her free one. “Oww, what the hell was that for?”
“For being an idiot. If you came here for me to coddle you and tell you how Dad was stupid and he really did love us and all that shit, then you have lost your mind. Declan isn’t like every guy because none of them are the same. And he is nothing like the sperm donor.”
Sierra is older than I am, and when our father left, it was different for her. Where I was crushed, feeling abandoned and unloved, she really didn’t care. To her, Dad wasn’t good enough for us. Any man who chose to leave could just move on. I didn’t feel that way.
I resented my mother for pushing him away for a while. I thought that, if she didn’t fight with him all the time, he would’ve stayed. I was young, stupid, and naïve.
Sierra, though, she never shed a tear over him leaving. Where I’ve cried enough to fill another pond.
“When did you join team Declan?”
“Never. I’ve been team anything. I know that you both were stupid and young. Yeah, it would’ve been great if things worked out, but you were kids!”
“We were in our twenties! I loved him, Sierra. I loved him, and I still fucking love him!”
“Mouth!” She hisses as she looks for the kids.
“Sorry.”
She shifts in her seat and then squeezes my hand. “He left you, and it broke your heart, but look at what you’ve done with your life. You’re smart, successful, and you run two businesses in that damn town.”
I know she’s right, but there’s a part of me that is still hollow. It’s like the old tree on our farm that’s still standing. The outside trunk looks tall and secure, but the inside is empty.
Except for the life that’s growing.
“I’m pregnant,” I blurt out.
Sierra’s jaw drops, eyes not blinking for a few seconds, and I wait. “You’re pregnant?”
“Yup.”
“But … you don’t even … I mean … are you dating someone?”
I shake my head and then look down at my feet. “No, it’s Declan’s.”
I hear the air push from her lips. “Declan? Wow. Okay. How? When?”
Seems she can only manage one word at a time.
“When he came home a few months ago, we saw each other at the pond. It just … happened.”
“That fucking pond.”
My eyes find my sister’s, and I nod. “That pond.”
“We should fill it in.”
“Doesn’t do much good now.”
Sierra bobs her head slowly. “Did you tell him?”
And there’s the crux of it all. “No, I saw him, heard him say some things, and left.”
She leans back in her chair, looking a little less combative and a lot more sympathetic than before. “What did he say?”
Tears form in my eyes as I relay the conversation that I can’t stop hearing in my head.
“I will never be a father, and I make damn sure of that because it’s the last thing I want.”
Only that isn’t what happened. He didn’t make sure of anything when we had sex. He didn’t wear a condom, and apparently, the .01% chance of my birth control failing decided that was it’s night.
“He might feel different once he knows,” she offers after a few minutes of digesting what I said.
“I don’t care if he does or doesn’t. I won’t ever let my kid know what it feels like to be unwanted and unloved.”
“So you’re not going to tell him?”
My head falls back, and I look at the ceiling. “I wish I could do that, but I can’t. Not to mention, it’ll be pretty hard to keep him from noticing my giant pregnant belly.”
She laughs without humor. “No shit.”
“You’re the only person I’ve told.”
She pulls her long brown hair back and then over her shoulder, the nervous gesture she’s had since we were kids. Then she squares her shoulders a bit. “Okay, and then what is your plan?”
Sierra usually gives me the best advice and has always been the person I go to when things are just too much for me. She has a way of telling me the truth or forcing me to see it myself, which is what I need from her more than ever.
“I’m going to go to the doctor to verify the pregnancy, make sure everything is okay, and then I’ll tell him.”
“And after that?”
After that? Who the fuck knows. Maybe I’ll have an epiphany, but at this point, I have no plan.
“I don’t know.”
“What do you want?”
My eyes fill with tears, and I hate the weakness they bring. What I want isn’t even possible. I wanted to be married to Declan and for this to be the thing we’d always dreamed of. That isn’t what this is, though.
Instead, I’m having a baby out of wedlock, with a man who doesn’t want the baby or me, and that man believes I’m dating someone else.
Yeah, I’m a walking episode of Jerry Springer. Well, maybe not that dramatic, but I feel close enough.
My sister waits as I wipe at my cheeks, removing the errant beads of moisture that fell. “I want him to fight for me, which will never happen.”
Sierra’s lips form into a frown and then she sighs. “Then maybe you should finally leave him behind.”
“And how exactly do I do that?”
“Maybe it’s time to sell the farm and leave Sugarloaf like you almost did five years ago.”
Chapter Nine
Sydney
I’m sitting in my car, staring at the tiny thing on this photo that is supposed to be a baby. It doesn’t look like one, that’s for sure, but the doctor assured me that it is, in fact, a baby. Or it will be once it makes its debut into the world.
I’m really pregnant, which has been confirmed by a medical professional, and I have his or her first version of a selfie in my hand.
In all my life, I never thought I’d be a single mother. I don’t know why, but I figured since I don’t really have sex that often that it wasn’t something I had to worry about. Also, because I’ve been living my life in slow motion. I didn’t see it until Sierra pointed it out, but now it’s so clear to me that I’ve been waiting for Declan to return. Five years ago, a great law firm approached me and offered me a shot at making partner. It wasn’t a sure thing, I would have had to earn it, but the opportunity was there. It would have meant more money, bigger cases, and the chance to make changes in a meaningful way. I turned it down.
I grappled with selling the farm and the memories it holds. I couldn’t imagine leaving and going where he couldn’t find me.
I was a fool.
But I’m not anymore. I don’t have the luxury to be one now that I’m going to be someone’s mother.
God help us all.
I grab my phone and call Ellie. While I have no plans to tell anyone other than Sierra that I’m pregnant, I miss my friend.
She answers on the first ring.
“Hey! How are you?”
“I’m fine. You?”
I hear rustling through the line. “I’m just grading papers and dealing with the insanity of building a house ... oh, and also planning a wedding.”
“Don’t forget you’re also pregnant,” I tack on for good measure.
“And then there’s that.”
“Are you having a big wedding?”
Ellie sighs. “No, just family and close friends. I wanted to elope, but Connor wants the ceremony, and he wants Hadley to be part of
it all too.”
Hadley has very clear ideas on what her parents’ wedding should be like. That kid is the best thing that’s ever happened in most of our lives. She’s full of wit and love, and she has no problem dispensing either.
“She let me know a few weeks ago that she wants a big wedding in the castle that Connor should build her,” I inform her. “Of course this was before you were even engaged, but the kid was making plans.”
Ellie chuckles. “She also informed me that she will not be a flower girl because she’s not a baby.”
“Well, she is eight now.”
“Going on thirty. Hey, what are you up to tonight?”
I go quiet. No way am I falling for another one of Ellie’s attempts to force Declan and I together. “No.”
“No?”
“No. I’m not going to meet you where your fiancé and his brother will happen to be, forcing us to be coupled up again. No.”
Ellie lets out a loud gasp. “Me? I would never do that to you.”
“Liar.”
“Okay, maybe,” she amends. “I only did that because we wanted to talk to you guys together. I’m sorry for forcing it. After what I heard he said, I promise I won’t do it again.”
And I believe her. Ellie is the kindest person I’ve ever met. She wouldn’t deliberately hurt me.
“Thank you.”
“Syd,” she hesitates and then begins, “Did he … I mean … are you okay?”
No, I’m not, but I’m really good at pretending.
“Yeah, it was, but I’m fine. It’s nothing I didn’t already know, right?” I try to brush it off because, really, I can’t talk to her about this.
Ellie is quiet for a second. “Okay, if you say so. I know this situation is a bit messy, but you’re my best friend. If you want to talk, even about my soon-to-be brother-in-law, I’m always here for you. I won’t betray your trust—not even to Connor.”
I smile even though she can’t see it. Ellie came into my life when I thought it was her who needed me, only it turned out that we needed each other.
I thought I had it all together, only it turns out that I’ve gotten really good at hiding my feelings and pain. Working, volunteering, running all kinds of town activities was my way of pretending everything was fine—I was fine.
But I wasn’t. That much is clear considering it took him showing up just once to alter my entire life. Now it’s time to face it and finally find some closure if it’s at all possible. However, I won’t drag Ellie into the middle of it.
“I wouldn’t ask you to lie to Connor.”
“What would I have to lie about?” She catches the misstep.
I speak quickly to cover it up. “Nothing, I’m just saying that I wouldn’t ask you to keep things from him.”
“Where are you?” She changes topics.
One would think she’s a lawyer with how well she’s managing this conversation. “Am I under interrogation?”
“Should you be?”
“I’m thinking that you missed your calling to become a lawyer.”
Ellie laughs. “I deal with teenagers lying about homework, their study habits, not texting during class, and God only knows what else, so ... yeah, I’m good at the sidestep bullshit. Now, out with it.”
I don’t want to lie to Ellie. I also know that I can’t tell her this. There are secrets that we can expect people to keep and those we can’t. My asking her not to tell her husband and brother-in-law about my pregnancy is the latter.
“There’s nothing wrong, Ells. I did call for a reason, though. I was hoping we could have dinner or lunch soon?”
I hear the resignation in her sigh. She knows I’m not going to tell her whatever is going on. “Of course.”
“Good. How about tomorrow?”
“Your place or mine?”
There’s not a chance in hell I’m going to her place. “Mine.”
She laughs. “I figured.”
At my place, I won’t run into a dark-haired, green-eyed man who either pisses me off or ends up getting me naked.
Avoidance is the only option.
I pull up my drive, feeling lost.
I’m not sure how I feel about that. This is my home. The place where my roots are planted and I should be secure—and now I don’t. The ground has shifted, leaving me unsteady. Sierra’s suggestion that I leave Sugarloaf hangs heavy on my mind.
Since she said it, I can’t stop wondering if she’s right. The timing might be right now.
This baby forced me to think about what it is that has kept me here. My mother left, and this was her family’s farm. My sister left and didn’t think twice about it. So, why am I fighting so hard to hold on?
Once I’m out of the car, I wrap my arms around my middle, pulling the sweater tighter, and make my way toward the back barn. It isn’t cold, but I feel chilled to my marrow.
“Syd,” Declan calls out from behind me, forcing me to stop.
It’s becoming really hard to avoid the man when he keeps showing up.
I turn. “You know, this is the opposite of staying away, right?”
His lips turn to a smirk that I have always loved. He has the best facial expressions. I’ve seen them all, memorized them, brought them back to the forefront when something reminded me of him.
This one was always my favorite. It said so much with the quirk of his lip and the devilish gleam in his eyes about how he knew the mischief he was causing was irritating, but had to do it anyway. His face always gave him away—at least to me.
“I wanted to clarify what happened the other night.”
“I think you said everything, Dec.”
He moves closer, and I steel myself. If he touches me, my resolve may break, so I remember his words. The way he said them without any room for confusion. He doesn’t want a wife or a baby or anything that would tie him to another person.
“Yes, but I hurt you.”
I take a step back. “It’s not the first time.”
And then his beautiful green eyes turn sorrowful, and my heart aches. He still makes me feel things I know are stupid. I should be immune to sadness since he’s caused me enough of it, and I should be completely over him by now.
“Hopefully it was the last.” The sincerity in his voice makes me want to fling myself into his arms, but I don’t.
I stay rooted to my spot and just nod. “I hope so too, but I doubt it.”
“And here I thought you were the forgiving one.”
I shrug. “I was once.”
“But I broke her.”
“No, you left her.”
His hands run through his dark hair, and he lets out a low groan. “Again, we can’t seem to have a conversation where I don’t feel like a fucking asshole.”
I bite back a remark about a shoe that fits. I don’t want to fight with him, not now anyway. I’m too raw from seeing our baby, too worried about the future, and too confused about whether I can handle the decisions I need to make.
“Do you want to walk with me? I have to check on a few things.”
The tension seems to release from his shoulders, and he nods. “I’d like that.”
We start to move toward the big barn on the back of the property that houses Jimmy’s office. I have no idea if he’s here or back in the fields, but he’s usually doing various paperwork and placing orders around this time of day.
Jimmy is the best thing on this farm, and he might be the strongest reason I’ve never sold.
“How are you?” Declan asks after a few minutes of amiable silence.
“I’m fine. You?”
“I’m in Sugarloaf.”
I snort once. “Yes, that is true. It wasn’t always so bad, you know.”
Declan’s eyes meet mine, a million memories pass between us in that look. “No … it wasn’t, but it’s not the same anymore.”
I try to slow my rapid pulse and temper my scathing remarks. Sugarloaf has remained mostly the same, it’s him who is different. “Nothing stays the
same.”
“No, and some things change in ways we don’t prepare ourselves for.” His voice is soft and full of understanding.
“Yeah, but change is good, right?”
Declan lifts one shoulder and then cracks his neck. “I think change is inevitable, but who the fuck knows? I came back here, and some of it is the same as it was eight years ago, some of it, or maybe just the people are nothing like I remembered.”
“Eight years is a long time,” I say, and then feel like a fool. Eight years is how long I’ve been living in the past.
“Yeah, it is.”
“Declan?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you ever really love me? Was what we shared just some fairy tale that two broken kids told themselves?”
He shakes his head and reaches out to grab my wrist. “What we had was real.”
My stomach flips, and I swallow back the words I want to ask. It won’t do us any good to keep going around and around. We both need to forge forward and stop going backward.
I struggle to keep my breathing even because his hands are hot against my skin, and I swear I sense him in my bones. Declan has somehow branded me, forcing my body, soul, and heart to know him as though we are one.
* * *
He drops his grip and I find the words that need to be said. “I loved you too. I want you to know that. I have never really stopped loving you, even though I hear you loud and clear on what you want.”
“I will always love you, Syd.”
Just not enough.
But I can’t change that, and there is a very real future coming. The baby is what matters, and I need to make my plans. “And I want you to be happy. I want both of us to be. I think you and I need to stop drudging up the past and rehashing it like anything will change. That’s the only way we’re going to survive being near each other. Do you think that’s possible?”
Declan falls quiet, his gaze on the ground, and places his hands in his pockets as we start to walk again. “I still think we need to talk about what happened a couple of months ago.”
I swallow hard, not wanting to relive any of it. “There’s nothing to say, Dec. It was … I don’t know, years of pent-up feelings that all boiled over. Closure?”
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