“When I left you … when we were … when …”
“When what?” I force the words from my lips.
“Before it all fell apart.”
“Please stop saying things like that,” I say. “Please stop acting like we fell apart. It’s insulting and unfair. It wasn’t mutual. It wasn’t like time and distance made us drift onto different courses. We were in love, Declan. I loved you. You swore you loved me and wanted to marry me. We weren’t kids—well, we were, but we were old enough to be honest. When you make it out like we just … fell apart, it’s a lie, and we both know it.”
“So much for not drudging up the past.”
“I didn’t bring it up. You did, and I’m asking you to at least be honest about it.”
“Fine. When I walked away from you. When I ripped both our hearts from our chests and ran them the fuck over with a steamroller. Is that better, Bean?”
My heart races even faster as the nickname that he and Jimmy gave me so many years ago falls from his lips.
“It’s at least honest.”
Years of holding it together in court and with victims is the only reason I don’t burst into tears. I shove my own emotions down, keeping myself almost numb to it all. I loved this man with everything I was, and in some part of my heart, I still do.
“And now what? Now that I’ve said it, what does it change?” Declan looks to me for an answer I can’t give.
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t want to keep doing this,” he admits with a hint of defeat. “I don’t want to go around and around with you. You and I used to be so … easy.”
I release a deep sigh through my nose. “We were.”
He steps closer. “We could be again.”
There’s a part of me that wants exactly that. The friendship we shared was strong, and if we can get back to that, surely we can agree on some sort of life for our child. Declan may not want kids, but I don’t believe he would abandon him or her.
Then again, I don’t know this new Declan.
“You want to be friends? What would that look like?”
“It could be whatever we want it to be. There are no rules, but you’re right on letting go and starting over. Being back here is hard. I feel my father and the past on my shoulders, and I can’t do it, Bean. I need for us to be okay. Can we find a way to coexist in Sugarloaf and at least be friends?”
God, I want to say yes. I want to throw myself in his arms and hug the best friend I lost, but him asking this, answers every question I was debating since leaving Sierra.
This will never end for me. Six months of Declan showing up or us running into each other is inevitable. You can’t hide from someone in a town like Sugarloaf, and I could never hide from Declan even if I tried.
He may believe that we can put everything aside and be friends, but I know that isn’t something I could do. In my heart, I know that I need to be either all in or all out with him. There is no middle ground or half-measures.
“I don’t know if we can.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m leaving Sugarloaf.”
Chapter Ten
Declan
“You’re what?” I ask, my throat going dry and thick with emotion.
“I’m going to sell the farm. It’s too much for me, and I want to move closer to my mom and Sierra.”
I can’t explain the feelings that are churning inside me or why it would even bother me if she left. Sydney doesn’t need to stay here, and yet, the idea of her selling this farm has my chest tight.
She belongs here. She was made here—we were made here.
Every touch. Every memory. Every glance and kiss were all forged here, and now ... she’ll leave?
I know I don’t have a right to feel anything. I walked away. I gave her up and have to live with that choice, but it’s fucking killing me to think of anyone else in this house.
“When?” It’s the only question I allow myself to ask.
“As soon as I can. It was something I was going to do years ago, but I didn’t. Now, it’s the right time. I’m going to talk to Jimmy, and then, I don’t know, I guess I’ll get things in motion.”
“What about your family legacy?”
That is what has always kept her rooted here. That she would one day be able to pass this to her children. It isn’t just land, it is her heritage, which Sydney always valued. She wants her children to know that they came from somewhere.
Throughout her life, she struggled with her father’s absence, and this farm gave her a place to hold.
I understood it even when she didn’t, which is why I don’t understand how she can let it go.
“My family isn’t in Sugarloaf anymore. What legacy am I living?”
“You can’t leave, this is your home.”
Her lip quirks up, and she laughs softly. “You did. You walked out of this town, where your family farmed for as long as mine has, and you didn’t blink an eye. Why is it hard for you to understand that I would want to leave this place, where I’m basically alone, and move so I’m closer to my sister, who can be there for me.”
“Why now?”
She looks away and sighs. “There have been some … changes in my life, and it’s the right thing to do. Honestly, Dec, it’s a good thing for me.”
What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and fix everything. I run my hands through my hair, trying to think of what to say. “Are you sure?”
She nods. “It’s time to let it go, don’t you think?”
I want to scream, grab her in my arms, and kiss her until neither of us can let go. But if she wants to leave, I have no right to stop her. I lost that privilege years ago, and I’d be the biggest asshole who lived if I told her she should stay when I have no intention of doing the same.
Sydney and I can’t ever be.
Still, I’m here to make amends. I want us to find a way through the hurt and anger and maybe unearth a little understanding.
“Let me help you,” I say before I know what I’m doing.
“Help me? How?”
The wheels start turning quickly. I don’t know how exactly to help her, so I start to pace, thinking of a plan. I snap my fingers once I have an idea. “I have a friend who is a real estate investor. He is going to help with selling my family farm once we’re through the two-year purgatory. Milo is a genius who knows the market and the best way to posture a property to get the top dollar for it. If your legacy isn’t to live here, you can at least make as much money as possible.”
“My goal is to sell it quickly,” Sydney says and then bites her lower lip.
I push down the urge to run my finger across her mouth and pull that lip out of its restraints before I kiss her. I shove my hands into my pockets to avoid doing just that. “I can help, Syd.”
She eyes me curiously and then releases a sigh through her nose. “This goes against my plan to avoid you at all costs.”
Avoiding her when she’s this close is like telling my lungs not to breathe. I can try for a bit, but eventually, the need is too strong to resist.
“And I thought you wanted to be civil.” I try for a casual tone, hoping I pull it off.
“Yes, well, we don’t seem to manage civility very well.”
“No, I guess we don’t, but this could be the jumping point of our new friendship.”
Sydney kicks a rock, sending it flying down the dirt drive. “It’s sad, isn’t it?”
“What is?”
“That we’ve been reduced to this. Two people who used to say anything to one another are now struggling to speak. There wasn’t a topic that was off-limits, and I used to know you as well as I knew myself,” Sydney says, still not looking at me.
Only, I don’t need to see her face to know what’ll be there. Her blue eyes will dull a bit, like they do when she’s sad, and she will be biting the inside of her cheek. Still, I wait because I want her to see me.
After a few seconds of her avoiding me, I step closer and use m
y finger to tilt her chin up, forcing her to stop looking at the ground.
Our gazes lock, and I swear it’s as if I’m thrown back in time. She still has this beautiful innocence that cuts through me, reminding me of the way I fell in love with her without a chance of stopping it.
I may not want to get married or have kids, but my heart and soul have always belonged to one person, and it never will be anyone else’s.
“I think we might still know each other that way.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know you anymore. I don’t know this man who doesn’t want to love or can’t love. That wasn’t who you were.”
“It’s who I had to become.”
The truth of it all is this is probably who I always should’ve been. Loving Sydney was a mistake because she’s always deserved so much more than I could give. The accident took a part of me and having to hold it in for all these years, letting it eat away at me, has forced me to become hardened.
“Why?”
I look at her, my heart pounding as I try to tell her without saying it. “A single moment can define a lifetime. My father taught me that lesson, and I couldn’t stay here and hurt you.”
There isn’t much more I can say because none of it was fair. It was horrible, and I destroyed what could’ve been a very different life. Now, though, with this new hope for a piece of her—just a piece—I know that I need to tell her everything about the past.
“And the decision you made in that moment defined my life.”
“I was letting you go.”
She laughs once and steps back. “You knew me better than that. You knew my heart was always and forever going to be yours.”
“I didn’t deserve it.”
“Maybe not, but”—she shrugs—“it was yours, and I guess the worst part is ... that it still is.”
My throat is closing as I stare at her, wanting to confess my heart is hers too. If I were a better man, I’d fall to my knees, beg her to forgive me, and promise her whatever she wants. But she’s leaving. She wants to sell the farm and move on to a life that I will never be a part of. While what I said to Connor was harsh, it was the truth. I don’t want a wife and kids.
She does.
It would be cruel to take another thing away from her.
Sydney watches me before she gives me a sad smile. “I’ll take your help on selling the farm. I’d like to be out of here as soon as possible.”
She turns and heads toward the barn, and I let her go—like always.
“Uncle Declan!” I hear Hadley’s voice on the other side of the door to my box of a home.
An RV would’ve been better than this.
I get off the bed, which is pretty much my only sitting option, and swing the door open.
Her long brown hair is up on the top of her head, and she’s grinning like I’m the best person in the world.
“What’s up, Monster?”
“I’m not a monster.”
“No?” I look over at the clock. “Who else bangs on the door at seven in the morning?”
“Your favorite niece.” Hadley bats her eyelashes and tucks her hands under her chin.
My brother is in for one hell of a time with this one. “You’re trouble.”
She smiles. “Daddy asked if you could come to the house, he said you would want to eat and then we could go down to the creek and fish. I’ve never been fishing. He said that you love to fish and you caught the biggest one ever. Did you? Do you fish good?”
Hadley talks so fast I’m not sure what she’s asking or what I’m supposed to answer first. “Uh.”
“When you go, do you have your own pole? I want a pole. Can you come fishing with us, Uncle Declan?”
My eyes are wide as I stare at this tiny human with equal parts of absolute terror and awe. “I’m pretty sure I have to go fishing. Since you’ve never been, and I’m much better than your dad at it, I’ll get to teach you how to do it.”
She beams. “I knew you’d come!” Hadley grabs my hand, pulling me from the tiny house. “Come on! We have to eat and then I have to brush my teeth and then we can go!”
I grab my sweatshirt as she drags me out of the tiny house and toward the main one. I’m not that far away from it since I needed Wi-Fi in order to still work and not completely fuck my company, but we get there in record time since she’s basically running.
“Knew she was the best option,” Connor says with a smirk.
“Nice. Use the kid to get what you want.”
Connor doesn’t even look apologetic. “She’s irresistible, I go with the sure thing.”
“Fishing?”
He shrugs. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been down to that end of the property, and I figure we might as well check things out while I show my superiority over my oldest and dumbest brother.”
“Whatever. You want to wager?”
“Sure, loser has to spend tomorrow on the tractor bush hogging the big field.”
“You’re on.”
I don’t need to think about it because Connor is a shitty fisher. He talks too much, can’t stand still, and has no idea which lure or bait to use. Every time my brother and I went out, he came home empty-handed. This is like taking candy from a baby.
We shake on it, and Hadley bounds back in the room. “Eat and then fish!”
Connor chuckles and follows his daughter into the kitchen. He walks over to Ellie, wrapping his arm around her as she stands at the stove with the spatula in her hand. It’s a tender moment that makes my gut flip. Her hand rests on his forearm, and he places a soft kiss to the side of her head.
I turn to look at Hadley, who eyes me with suspicion. “What are you thinking?” I ask, knowing Arrowood blood runs in her veins and that means trouble.
“Why do you look sad?”
“Sad?”
She nods and wraps her arms around my legs, hugging me with all her might. “Don’t be sad, Uncle Declan. I love you.”
I smile because, who the hell could ever not love this kid? I don’t know how the man who raised her until Connor found them didn’t think she was the most precious thing in the world. Hadley has been the gift that this family never knew to ask for.
“I love you, too.” I pull her up in my arms and then swing her around. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t spin you until you puke!”
She laughs as she flies around in my arms, her joy is infectious.
“All right, no puking before ten, please,” Ellie says, her hand on my shoulder.
“Busted,” I say conspiratorially to Hadley.
I put her to rights and then sit at the table.
“What time will you guys be back?” Ellie asks, setting out a plate of bacon and another of pancakes.
“Later in the afternoon. I need to be victorious,” Connor informs her.
Ellie eyes him curiously. “Why?”
“Because I’m going to school my brother and have a day off.”
I scoff. “Please.”
“I don’t even want to know.”
Ellie sits and we all start to eat.
I can’t remember the last time I had anything this normal. Maybe when my mother was alive? She would make breakfast every Sunday and force us to sit as a family. I hated it as a kid and then as soon as it was gone and we no longer had her, I wished for those days again.
“What are your plans today, Ellie?” I ask.
She bites a piece of bacon and smiles warmly. “I’m going to see Sydney. We have to go dress shopping, drop by the florist, and do a few other things. I wanted to go earlier, but she sent a message that she wasn’t feeling so great and asked if we could push it back. So, you all get breakfast.”
“She seemed fine yesterday,” I say, not able to move past her saying Syd wasn’t well. “Do you want me to call her or go over there?”
Ellie’s brows knit together. “No, I’m sure she’s fine. She didn’t cancel or anything.”
Connor sits in his seat with a grin.
I’m goi
ng to kick his ass. “I’m just making sure Ellie doesn’t run the risk of catching whatever Syd has,” I try to excuse my slip up there.
“Sure you were.”
I rub my middle finger along the side of my nose and Connor laughs.
The rest of the meal passes with Hadley urging us to eat faster so we can go fishing. Ellie, who is a goddess and didn’t want us to forget to eat lunch later, hands us a basket filled with drinks and food. After kissing both Hadley and Connor, she calls my name, stopping me from following them.
“Yes?”
“Is everything okay? I know that you being back here is hard, and I just … I worry.”
I smile at my soon-to-be sister-in-law. “I’m good.”
“Really? Sydney mentioned that you and her are going to try to be friends and, well, it’s noble and great, but you guys have history.”
I nod. “We do, but I can’t be in this town and avoid her. I thought this would be a good compromise.”
Not to mention I’m fighting the urge to go to her constantly. At least now, I have a reason. If we’re friends, we can see each other, and I plan to do exactly that.
“Be careful with her, Dec. You both want very different things, and I worry that both of you will end up hurt.” She raises her hand when I open my mouth. “No, I don’t want to say anything else and I promise to stay out of it, but I love you both. You’re family, and Syd is like a sister to me.”
“Yo! Loser! Are you planning to go shopping or are you coming fishing?” Connor yells as he swings Hadley up into his arms.
Ellie sighs and then rolls her eyes. “You go, I’m sorry and I hope you don’t think I overstepped.”
I lean in and kiss her cheek. “I think we’re all very lucky you’re a part of our lives.”
She blushes and then shoos me away. I rush toward the barn, and Connor calls out, “I think we should take the quads.”
I let out a throaty laugh. “I haven’t ridden a quad since we were kids.”
“You think you suddenly forgot how in eight years?”
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