Fast

by Gillian Archer

  I glared at Nathan and held on to that shred of rage to keep me upright. How dare he. “The last thing my father said to me—which was months ago by the way—was to call me a whore for sleeping with your brother. So congratulations. You’re not the first to call me that. You’ll have to get in line behind my father, who I haven’t spoken to since by the way.” My whole body quaked, but I refused to look away or back down from Nathan. “But I guessed. Ryan texted me that he was coming over, and it doesn’t take an hour to do that this late. And my building was…too silent. Something was wrong. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to do that math.”

  “Your building?” Nathan sneered. “The one that the Kings own and house their bitches in?”

  “Yeah, that one. The one my father put me up in. I’m not anyone’s bitch.”

  “Nathan, that’s enough. This is not Hope’s fault.” Wendy waded in, shoving Nathan back with a hand to his chest despite their considerable height difference. “She didn’t know what her father planned to do tonight. Everyone here can see that when they look at her. She’s hurting just like the rest of us. Leave her alone. You of all people should know that no one is responsible for their father’s sins.”

  This time it was Nathan’s turn to flinch.

  I shook my head. “But it is my fault. Ryan wanted me to talk to T-Bone about us, but I was scared. I wanted to wait until after our next appointment. I’m only eleven weeks. There’s still a chance that…”

  I couldn’t finish the thought. Like if I said it out loud, it might happen.

  But apparently just thinking it was enough.

  I felt a familiar heaviness in my pelvis like I usually did just before my period would start. Only I wasn’t supposed to get my period. I wasn’t supposed to get it for another twenty-something weeks. Or was it thirty? I couldn’t remember. Everything felt a little fuzzy. Looked fuzzy. What was I talking about again?

  I clutched my belly. “I need to sit down.”

  “Hope, are you okay?” Wendy led me to a sit next to Austin.

  I shook my head wordlessly. I couldn’t talk. I was afraid if I said anything the most horrible thing in my life would happen.

  I’d lose my baby with the man I loved.

  I loved him, and I hadn’t even told him yet.

  “We need to get her down to the ER now,” Sabrina said anxiously before lowering her voice. “She’s bleeding.”

  “Fuck!” Nathan bit out and the next thing I knew he’d swept me into his arms and hustled toward the door. “I’m sorry, Hope. I didn’t—”

  He stopped short, almost plowing into a man wearing scrubs and a white lab coat who’d entered the waiting room. “How is he, doc?”

  “Ryan Burns family?”

  “Yeah. Yes. Is he going to be all right?”

  “Well—”

  “Just give us the CliffsNotes version, doc. I gotta get this lady to the ER.”

  His gaze swung from me still swept up in Nathan’s arms to the people crowding around us. Then he took a deep breath and sighed. “We stopped the bleeding, but he’s not out of the woods yet. The next few hours will be critical.”

  “Nothing new. Got ya.” Nathan shook his head. “Sabrina, you coming?”

  “Right behind you.” Sabrina called.

  “Wait!” I grabbed Nathan’s collar to try to get him to stop but he plowed through the doors and headed for the elevator without pausing. “I had questions I wanted to ask him.”

  Sabrina ran ahead of us and punched the elevator button. “It doesn’t matter right now. They’re looking after him. Now we need to look after you.”

  “But I want to know…” I trailed off as Nathan jostled me again.

  He stepped onto the elevator and whirled around. I had to close my eyes as everything spun sickeningly around us. I didn’t think elevators were supposed to move like that.

  “I’m so sorry, Hope. I didn’t mean any of that shit I said. I don’t…” He sighed. “I don’t think you’re responsible for what happened to Ryan. That’s on T-Bone. All of it. I don’t want you to stress out about it. You just need to think about that little nugget inside you and concentrate on keeping her there.”

  “Her?” Sabrina asked as the doors swept open. She’d tried to hide her flinch over Nathan’s words about keeping the baby inside me, but I saw it. Her eyes held a world of pain as she looked at me. “Isn’t it too early to know?”

  I nodded.

  Nathan’s shrug about jostled me out of his arms as he sped down the hallway in the direction of the ER. “Ryan said you were having a little girl.”

  “He’s hoping.” I rolled my eyes. Then had to close them as I remembered why we were here. That he might never even meet his baby.

  That I might lose them both tonight.

  The wave of grief that hit overwhelmed me. I covered my eyes with my hands and gave into it. I just sobbed. I couldn’t answer any of the questions that they asked me—Nathan, Sabrina, or the annoyed nurse behind the glass wall. Sabrina grabbed my tiny purse and handed over a card or something. I didn’t know. I didn’t care. All I could think was that I hadn’t told Ryan that I loved him. Why didn’t I tell him? I had so many chances. And he’d told me. I didn’t have to wonder how he felt about me. I knew. But right now, this second, Ryan was unconscious somewhere in this hospital without that same knowledge.

  That was what I wanted to ask the doctor. If I could see Ryan. I didn’t care if he was awake or not. I just wanted to tell him—finally—that I loved him. That I’d always love him. And our baby.

  If our baby made it.

  Oh God. Oh God.

  I cried until I didn’t think I could cry anymore. I cried until my voice grew hoarse from my sobs. I cried until I could hardly see. People buzzed around me but I couldn’t focus on anything.

  And finally when there was nothing left, I fell asleep curled up in Nathan’s lap in the waiting room.

  * * *

  Someone was calling my name. I groaned and burrowed into my pillow. “Crap, Mom. Give me five minutes?”

  My voice sounded froggy, like I’d had a cold or something. Then my pillow moved.

  “I’m not your mom. Come on, Hope. It’s our turn.” The deep voice came from somewhere near my head.

  I opened my eyes. I was in a hospital. Sabrina sat across us with an anxious expression. And then I remembered. My dad. Ryan. His surgery. My bleeding. Our baby.

  “Oh.” I sat up with a wince.

  “Are you okay?” Nathan asked anxiously from just above my head.

  So close because I was still sitting on his lap.

  “Yeah. Just a little kink in my neck.” I muttered as I pushed to my feet. I was too tired to even be embarrassed.

  “Hope, I can carry you.” Nathan protested.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Hope Stephens?” The nurse across the room called again.

  “Here.” I waved a hand as I hobbled toward her, Nathan and Sabrina hot on my heels.

  The nurse took in my entourage with wide eyes that lingered on Nathan’s hulking figure. “This way.”

  She turned and lead us through a winding maze of beds and curtains and computer stations. Stopping in a random corner, she had me stand on the scale then asked me to sit as she took my pulse and blood pressure. After she’d written all the numbers down, she stood again and led us down another hallway before finally stopping in front of a small room. “Take everything off. Put on the gown. Climb up on the bed and someone will be in soon.”

  Nathan hovered awkwardly outside the door. “I’ll just wait here until you’re er, ready. Shout if you need me.”

  “You wish.” Sabrina murmured, and judging from the smug expression on her face she took more than a little pleasure in slamming the door in his face. “Do you need some help or want me to wait out there with the asshole?”

  “I don’t…” I gave a shaky sigh. “I don’t want to be alone right now.”

  “You won’t be, Hope. I’ll stay as long, probably longer, tha
n you want me to.”

  “Thanks.” I looked down at my hands and cleared my rough sounding throat. “Can you do me a favor?”

  “Anything.”

  “Can I borrow your phone? There’s someone I have to call and I forgot mine at ho—at the apartment.”

  “Sure.” Sabrina whipped out her cell, unlocked the home screen, and handed it over. “Do you need some privacy?”

  I shook my head. “No, this will only take a minute.”

  Looking down at the phone, I punched in the number I’d known from the time I was tiny. I held the cell up to my ear and held my breath as it rang. It was late. Maybe too late. This was a dumb idea. I should just get naked and hop up on the—

  “Hello?” A groggy voice answered.

  “Mom?” For the umpteenth that night, tears welled in my eyes. “Mama, I need you.”

  Chapter 25

  Hope

  Hours later, I was still sitting in the same tiny room. Sabrina and Nathan both sprawled out on chairs across from my bed. I’d been nervous at first, wearing a thin gown and nothing else in front of Ryan’s family, but anxiety and the grindingly slow passage of time as we waited forever cured me of my modesty. Really at this point all I wanted was answers, but no one had any for me yet.

  I needed this test. I was waiting for another test. Still nothing. Just that annoying advice to stay calm and try to relax. Like that was possible.

  I was gonna punch the next person who dared to tell me that again.

  I flinched as the door flung open. But instead of another apathetic nurse, my mom stood in the doorway.

  “Hope,” she whispered brokenly. Then she was at the side of my bed holding me like I was eight years old and everyone but me had been invited to Madison James’s birthday party at the water park.

  “Nathan and I are just gonna wait outside and give you two some privacy.” Sabrina murmured.

  “Wait.” My mom pulled back and faced them. “What have they said? What’s going on?”

  Sabrina shook her head with a twisted expression. “Nothing yet. They’re waiting for the sonogram tech to get down here. The er, bleeding has stopped. It wasn’t much, but they want to get a scan before they can tell us anything.”

  My heart broke again at the agonized expression on Sabrina’s face. This whole thing had to be excruciating for her. But she’d stood by my side without breaking down once. I don’t know that I could ever be as strong as she’d been tonight.

  If she ever needed something, anything, I’d be there in a second. It’d only taken a boyfriend beatdown and a maybe miscarriage for me to find my ride or die bestie in Sacramento. “Thanks, Sabrina.”

  She gave me a sad smile. “We’ll just be out here.”

  The door shut behind her and my mom turned to me. “So.”

  I smiled weakly. “So.”

  Mom grabbed Nathan’s chair and dragged it to the side of my bed with a harsh screech. She grunted as she sat down. “How are you feeling?”

  “Better. I think it was the stress of everything. But they took some blood, made me pee in a cup, and now we’re waiting for the sonogram tech like Sabrina said. I drank some juice and Nathan tracked down a sandwich for me, so I feel better.” I looked down at my hospital gown and picked at the hem. “Mostly.”

  She shook her head. “Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”

  “Come on, Mom. You spent all those years lecturing me about how getting pregnant is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Do you think I was really eager to call you up and let you know that I’d let you down?”

  “Honey, I didn’t… I can’t believe you’d think that.”

  “Why not? After all of those lectures, what else could I think? I know my entire existence pretty much ruined your life. I was afraid that my pregnancy would be the thing to make you cut me out of your life forever.”

  “Oh Hope, no. I don’t… I never meant that about you. You are one of the best things in my life. I’ve never regretted that I had you. I just meant that as a teenager you should be so careful about sex and birth control. But now you’re a college graduate with a steady job and a man in your life. I’d never say that about this baby or you.” She looked down at me with watery eyes. “And honestly you’re the wake up call I needed to get your father out of my life.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I know I gave you the sanitized version of my relationship with your father, but you deserve to know everything.” She gave a shaky sigh and looked away. “I ran away when I was sixteen. I thought I knew everything. You never met your grandparents, but they were deeply religious. They held onto me with this iron grip. It was too much. So I left. And eventually I ended up at the West Coast Kings clubhouse. I did things I’m ashamed of. But in all my time with them, there was only one rule—never, ever get knocked up. No babies. Ever. But I did. And at the time, I was solely with your father. He’d claimed me. Kinda. Not formally. He never made me his old lady—apparently he already had two—but I was his property. I’d heard whispers from the other girls what had happened when someone got pregnant, and it wasn’t pretty. Beatings. Back alley abortions. I never thought I’d want to be a mother, but when I found out I was pregnant with you, there was nothing in this world that I wanted more.”

  “And so you ran again,” I whispered.

  “Yes. I never thought he’d want to be part of your life, and I was terrified that you would want to be part of his. And then you were. I regret…a lot of what I’ve done with my life, but telling you about your real father is my biggest regret. I should’ve lied when you found those pictures. At the very least I should’ve told you the truth about us—about him. But I was ashamed. And he had me so fooled when you met him when you were in college. I thought he’d changed. That his club had changed.” She closed her eyes and shook her head. “But I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. I’m so sorry, honey. I hope you can forgive me.”

  “I can. I do.” I bent down and hugged my mom, squeezing her with everything I had. “I love you so much. I’m sorry. About everything. Coming here. Being so distant. Not telling you about Ryan and the baby. I just… I’m sorry.”

  “I love you too, baby.” After a minute, my mom sat back and swiped at her eyes. “Now tell me the rest.”

  I blinked at the sudden change of topic. “Rest of what?”

  “Ryan. Did something happen between you two? Why isn’t he here waiting anxiously to find out what’s going on with his baby? Does he even know about the baby? Well, he’d have to, right?” She answered her own questions without even pausing. “That was his brother here just now, right? And what—his sister?”

  “Mom.” I interrupted. “Can I get a word in edgewise, or do you just wanna have this conversation by yourself?”

  “Sorry.” She sat back and rolled her eyes. “You know how I get when it comes to my kids.”

  I smiled because I did know. She might’ve been kinda absent the first half of my life when she was a single working mom, but I’d never wondered for a moment where I fell in her priorities. She gave me any time she had. If a teacher or coach called about something, she was there—usually making their life miserable—because she loved hard and deep. Mom might’ve been able to spend more time with my brother Sage since she wasn’t working and going to school now, but I never felt like she loved him more. We had our dysfunction—who didn’t— but she was the same with him as she was with me—fierce, loyal, and giving everything she could.

  I’d missed her so much.

  She raised her eyebrows. “So, Ryan? Where is he?”

  I flinched as the smile fell from my face. “Ryan’s on the fifth floor; they just moved him to the ICU. My er, T-Bone found out about us and wasn’t happy. I guess he and a few guys cornered Ryan after work tonight and beat him up pretty good. I don’t—” My voice broke and the room swam. I had to swipe at my eyes before I could finish. “I don’t know if he’s going to be okay. He needed surgery because of internal bleeding, and he hasn’t woken up y
et. I guess he passed out before the ambulance showed up and hasn’t been awake since. I don’t… I don’t know anything else because I’m down here, and he’s up there and the cell service in this hospital is super shitty, so Nathan can’t even call and texts aren’t always going through.”

  “Oh honey.” My mom reached out and squeezed my hand. “I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

  “I know. And I can’t… I just feel like it’s my fault. Ryan told his family about us and the baby, and he wanted me to tell T-Bone and you. But I was scared. You should’ve heard him after he found out I went home with Ryan that night. He was so scary. I couldn’t… I was so afraid to tell him about the baby.” I had to look away. The shame enveloping me was so thick and heavy. “I should’ve done something, anything, to stop this from happening to Ryan. It’s my fault he is lying unconscious upstairs. My battle, that I should’ve fought.”

  “Hope. You can’t do that to yourself. Your father…” She gave my hand a squeeze then stood up. Pacing to the other side of the room, she seemed to be working herself up to tell me something. Finally, she shook her head and turned to face me. “Your father has always been a hard, unforgiving man. And if there’s anyone to blame for your boyfriend’s trouble and your own, it’s me.”

  “Mama, no!” I reached out to her but she was so far away and now pacing agitatedly.

  “Yes. I thought I was so smart. I wanted to raise you differently from how I was raised. My parents held on so tight, and I let you go way too soon. Hell, you practically raised yourself. I made so many mistakes. Of course you wanted to get to know your father. I didn’t give you any kind of home. And then I married someone and immediately had a baby with him. You must’ve felt so abandoned.”

  “Mom, no. You know that’s not true.” I pushed myself up and swung my legs over the side of the bed so I could face her. “I was just thinking about how I never had to wonder if you loved me. I’ve seen you with Sage, and you’re the same way with me. You love us both and we know it. T-Bone was… I thought he was a part of me. I wanted to know that part, thought I’d find myself with him. But I didn’t. That life was so empty. All flash and no substance, you know? It was seductive at first, but it lost its luster. And at least through him I met Ryan. He’s the best man I’ve ever met. He’s sweet and thoughtful and so damn giving. I just… I love him.”