The Devil's in My Bathroom

by Eddie Latiolais

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Balls and Burgers

  Gerome Elderberry was snooping around Zipper Down’s apartment as the lights went out. The rainstorm had caused sporadic power outages throughout the day. He wanted to comb every square inch of the place to get every clue possible. He had already dropped off the pencil he had retrieved from Kristi’s desk to the crime lab, checking for matched fingerprints. The various assortments of drug bottles had been collected as evidence. The place was a wreck. As the lights went back on, Elderberry noticed a lot of Zipper’s possessions were still packed in boxes.

  “He must have used his entire signing bonus to afford this place,” Elderberry muttered to himself. “It isn’t the type of place a low-life musician could normally afford. He took out his miniature tape recorder and started dictating. “Note to self on the Zipper Down investigation - Sergeant Wilcox and his crew did a particularly shoddy job of investigating this crime scene. There are storage boxes left untouched and drug paraphernalia left behind.” He said this as he reached into a spare change jar with a handkerchief and pulled out a hash pipe. “The residue smells like it was used recently. Check the blood report to see if any trace of cheap Mexican marijuana is found.” He opened one of the storage boxes. It contained vinyl albums. “Let’s see what kind of taste our corpse had.” Elderberry was stunned at the collection. The first album he pulled out was the South Pacific soundtrack. The next one was The Best of Judy Garland. “It seems our subject wasn’t as putrid a human as originally thought,” he said, as he pulled out the next album, Barbara Streisand’s Funny Girl. He opened another box. This one contained videotapes. Mommy Dearest was on top of the pile, followed by The Wizard of Oz, and 101 Dalmatians.

  “I’m starting to see a trend here.” He perused the closet and studied the clothes. It was the typical grunge musician attire. He did notice something about the clothing – most came from Lord & Taylor and Niemen Marcus. “The holes in the jeans look as if they were made with a sharp object, then washed to get that frilly look.” Next to the flannel shirts was an assortment of silk dress shirts. He dug through Zipper’s underwear and made a discovery – it was full of silk boxers. “A drawer full of silk boxers from Victoria’s Secret men’s collection.” Underneath the boxers was a collection of pictures.

  “Here’s a picture of Zipper Down, wearing grunge attire, with four slutty females hanging all over him.” He found some different ones. “Here’s one of Zipper hugging a very, sexy hunk of a male.” He turned off his recorder. “It seems that Zipper Down was leading a double life,” he said to himself. “He was doing this grunge thing to keep face with his band, but in real life, he was a smart dressed, sophisticated individual. There is no way a gentleman like that killed himself. It was murder. I’m sure of it.”

  He saw another picture of Zipper giving Nick a “high-five” on the Northshore Beach of New Lake. He stared at it while strolling around the apartment. He walked over a pizza box. He noticed it came from Presto Pizza. The location stamp on the side of the box showed it came from the Village location. “I wonder why he ordered from that location when it’s across town?” He looked up Presto Pizza in the phone book and found a location two blocks from the apartment. He called that location.

  “Hello, I’m Lieutenant Gerome Elderberry, with Metro Homicide...”

  “There’s no truth to that rumor about worms being in our pizzas,” said the female voice on the line.

  “I don’t care. I just want to know if you have a Zipper Down on your delivery list.”

  “The drummer?” said the excited voice. “No, way. If he were on our delivery list, I’d know about it. Didn’t he just die or something?”

  “Thank you,” said Elderberry, as he hung up the phone. He looked at the stamp and noticed an order number on it. He called the Village location.

  “Hello, this is Lieutenant Gerome Elderberry, with Metro Homicide…”

  “Hey, listen here, man. There’s no truth about that rumor of worms being in our pizzas,” said the defensive employee.

  “Please shut the goddamn hell up and listen. Do you have a Zipper Down on your delivery list?”

  “The dead guy? Nope. He lived across town, didn’t he?”

  “I want you to check an order number for me.” He gave the man the number and waited a few seconds.

  “That order was for Nick Pellit – er, or something like that.”

  “When and where was it delivered?”

  “It shows last Saturday, and it was delivered to 1103 Maplewood, apartment A, around two in the afternoon.”

  Elderberry smiled. “Thank you.” He hung up the phone. “That’s Pel-tire’s address. It seems I need to pay him another visit.”

  Nick was sitting at the bar in Balls & Burgers. It was time for the five-o'clock happy hour crowd to start coming in. Nick recognized most of the partygoers. He started buying rounds for everybody at the bar, and soon was feeling no pain.

  Marlena, the bartender, said to Nick, “You sure are having a good time. What are you celebrating?”

  “Nothing particular. I’m just having a little fun.”

  “How did you get those black eyes?”

  “My mouth was saying things it shouldn’t have said.”

  “Like that time you told me about Jamie?”

  Nick’s mood changed. “When did I tell you about her?”

  “You don’t remember that night when you were coming on to me and my boyfriend showed up?” She put another beer in front of Nick.

  “No – I really don’t.” He started wondering how many people he told the story to.

  “It was that night you were telling Jim and me about the love of your life you lost in high school. You stopped when Debbie showed up at the bar.”

  “Who’s Jim?”

  “He was my boyfriend.”

  “How much did I tell you?”

  “Not enough. It was getting pretty interesting,” said Marlena. She was standing in front of Nick, wearing a tight, red, tee shirt, tied up in a knot at the front. She had a hard, flat stomach – the kind that drove Nick wild. Her black leather mini-skirt was a definite tip intensifier.

  “Where’s your boyfriend now?”

  “Can’t you read between the lines? I said earlier, he was my boyfriend. We broke up two weeks ago,” she said with a smile. “You know, you seemed pretty broken up about that girl. Has there been anybody else since her?”

  “More than you can imagine,” he said, speaking strictly of the numerous one-nighters he thought he could remember.

  “Ooh, my kind of man. Love ‘em and leave ‘em, no strings attached, right?”

  “Yeah, that’s me.”

  “You know, Jim was really tying me down. I wanted to have fun, and I – let me just say, I’ve always found you attractive.” She looked around to see if anyone was listening.

  “What’s your point?” asked Nick.

  “I get off at ten tonight.”

  “So?”

  “And – I would like to – you know.”

  “No, what are you getting at?”

  “Do you find me attractive?” She leaned in and spoke softly into Nick’s ear.

  Nick eyed her up and down. “Of course.”

  “Well?”

  “Well, what?”

  Marlena was getting frustrated. She took a step back. “Nick, I kind of would like to have some fun with you. Do you know what I mean?” She gave him a sexy wink.

  “You know what, Marla…”

  “Marlena.”

  “Yeah, right. You are an extremely sexy woman, and I would be completely out of my mind to turn down an offer like that, but I am.”

  “You are what – out of your mind or turning down my offer?”

  “Both.”

  “Do you mind if I ask why?” She was somewhat surprised.

  “You know me too well.”

  “Nick, I don’t know you at all. I just know you from seeing you in here every once in a while.”

  “But I opened my heart and you were there t
o hear about it. There’s no way I can have sex with you now.”

  “Okay, but you don’t know what you’re missing,” she said, as she made a kissing gesture with her seductive lips. Nick stared at her flawless body as she walked away to take another drink order.

  “Oh, yes I do,” he said to himself, shaking his head.

  Debbie stopped in the lobby of the Community Theatre to make a call. Tony still wasn’t home. She got a surprise hug from behind.

  “Debbie, sweetheart, the rehearsal’s in the theatre, not the lobby,” said Donovan.

  “You scared the heck out of me,” said Debbie.

  “Sorry, sweetie, but we’re running a little late. Here’s your script. We’re going to have a quick reading and try to get a feel for this thing.”

  Debbie took the stage and Donovan asked her to read from the top of page ninety-five.

  “That’s a long monologue, and it’s kind of near the end,” she said.

  “Exactly. I want you to show everybody how these characters are supposed to feel. Do exactly as you did for the audition.”

  “Okay.” She put Tony out of her mind and concentrated. It took just a few seconds to get into character.

  “Listen here, sweetheart,” she said to her cast mate, standing right in front of him, while she put her finger in his face. “I have stood up for you - as humiliating as it was - and watched you make a complete jackass of yourself. But every single time you embarrassed me, you drove a stake further into the heart of this God-forsaken marriage. I am not going to stand here and take it anymore. Go on and keep having your little sordid affairs. I’m not playing that damn stand-by-your-man game any longer. You have shamed our daughter and myself way too many times. And another thing – you have shamed our country. I don’t care that you’re the President of the United States of America. I want out of this marriage – now.” The entire cast erupted in applause.

  “Bravo,” said Donovan. “That is exactly the kind of emotion I want displayed here. Did everybody take note from Debbie.” The applause started again. Debbie couldn’t have been happier.

  Andie was home, getting ready for her date. She put on her new dress after a hot bubble bath and was amazed how spectacular she looked. She never thought of herself as the type of woman who could get away with wearing a dress like this. She stared at herself in the mirror longer than she ever had in her life. She was ready to rock Harold’s world.

  Benny went home right after work. He knew exactly where Nick was, but was going to get ready for the meeting first. He was planning to kidnap Nick, bring him home, and make sure he didn’t leave.

  “We will be ready for this meeting,” he said to himself.

  Andie walked into the lobby of Rollins Tower. Harold, holding a long-stemmed rose, met her right away.

  “My, God, Andie. You look absolutely gorgeous.” He was stunned.

  “Thank you,” said Andie. She looked at the magnificent hunk of a man in front of her. “May I say you look pretty awesome, yourself?”

  “Yes, you may.”

  They both laughed as they went to the elevator. Their table was ready for them. They had a panoramic view of the city and lake. The meal was scrumptious, the desert divine, and the wine beyond words. Andie hung on Harold’s every word. She was hooked. He walked her back to her car afterwards.

  “I hope you had a good time this evening,” said Harold.

  “I most certainly did,” said Andie.

  “Well, it’s late and we both have a lot of work to do, so I better be going.” He leaned over and gave Andie a sweet little kiss on her cheek. “How about lunch tomorrow?”

  “Definitely,” said a swooning Andie. Harold took a few steps away, and then turned around.

  “Oh, Andie, I almost forgot. I promised to take Debbie out for lunch tomorrow.”

  “That’s fine.” She was a little disappointed.

  “Why don’t you join us?”

  “Are you sure I won’t be in the way?”

  “Of course not, and I promise to make it up to you another night.”

  “Okay.”

  “How about tomorrow night?”

  “Absolutely.” Andie got in her car and drove home. She was way above cloud nine.

  Debbie finished rehearsal. Donovan made a comment to her how he was so lucky to have her starring in his play. She couldn’t wait to tell Tony. She got home and gave him a call. He still wasn’t home. It was after ten-thirty and she was exhausted.

  “I’ll just talk to him tomorrow,” she said to herself as she collapsed in her bed.

  Nick was sitting on a stool next to a pool table, waiting for his turn to play. A beautiful Asian lady, with long, silky, jet-black hair, came up to him.

  “Hi, Nick,” she said.

  He looked at her. “Hi – uh…”

  “Suzi,” she said. “Don’t you remember me?”

  “Yeah, of course I do. I could never forget – okay, this is bullshit. I really don’t. I’m sorry.”

  “That’s alright. You were really out of it the night we met.”

  “Did I happen to mention a certain girl by the name of…”

  “Jamie? Oh, yes. That’s all you talked about. Hey, are you here by yourself?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  “Well, I was thinking – if you’re not doing anything later – maybe you could come over with me to my apartment and…”

  “Have sex?” Nick blurted out.

  “Whoa, you don’t have to be so blunt about it.”

  “Well, isn’t that what you want from me?”

  She smiled and put her smooth hands on his face. She pulled his lips to hers, and gave him a long, sensuous kiss.

  “What do you think? We can do what we didn’t get to do last time,” she whispered.

  Benny grabbed Nick by the arm. “Come on, Nick. I’m bringing your ass home.”

  “Thank, God, Benny. You just saved me.”

  Benny looked at Suzi and tried to keep from drooling. “You call taking you away from that saving you?”

  Suzi was confused. “Are you guys gay are something.”

  Nick freaked out. “What? No way, I am not gay.” He ran back to Suzi and tried to ram his tongue down her throat.

  “Get away from me you pervert,” she said, as she slapped him across the face.

  “Well, at least it’s a perfect compliment to your black eyes,” said Benny.

  “Get me out of here,” said Nick. He grabbed somebody’s shot of tequila from the bar, as Benny was dragging him out. “We can’t waste alcohol. There are sober children in India.”

  Benny loaded Nick into his rented Mercedes and started driving. “I’m taking you to my house. You’re going to get a good night’s sleep and will be ready for the meeting tomorrow.”

  The combination of the moving car and sitting in one place allowed the enormous amount of alcohol to take full effect on Nick.

  “Promise me one thing, Benny,” said Nick.

  “Sure, what’s that?”

  “Promise me you’ll cremate my body and have my ashes sprinkled all over Bourbon Street.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “Because I’ll blend in with the crud and nobody will ever stop me to have sex with them or Jamie.”

  “You’re not making sense.”

  “Or better yet, cremate me and tell Jamie to kiss my ash.”

  “Are you alright, Nick?”

  “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. I haven’t seen Jamie since I saw her naked bust – or bustesess – however you say the word, ya know what I’m sayin’?”

  “You are really wasted.”

  “Ray’s dead? No way. I just saw the poor bastard last spring fall, the past summer winter.”

  “Goodnight, Nick,” said the frustrated Benny.

  “Goodnight, John-Boy,” said Nick, right before he passed out.