The Devil's in My Bathroom

by Eddie Latiolais

CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN: Hey Bartender

  Benny called for a cab as he discovered his rented Mercedes missing from the airport parking lot. He figured Wainwright made an attempt to drive off somewhere. As he rode along the busy interstate, he saw his car pulled off to the side. He told the driver to pull over, only to discover the car parked, unlocked, but with the keys missing. He had the driver bring him to Nick’s apartment to get his spare key. He waved to Mrs. Ratzenburger through her front window as he walked to the back of her house. He walked up the back stairs and saw a light on through the closed blinds.

  I guess Nick is back from his little trip, he thought. He turned to doorknob like he always did. Nick never locked his door. This time it was. Maybe he has a girl in there. He softly knocked. Julie heard the knock and peeked out the side window. Benny was out of view and there was no peephole on the door.

  “Is that you, Nick?” asked Julie.

  “Julie?” asked Benny, as he recognized her voice. She opened the door with the chain attached. Since she was washing her outfit, she took the liberty to wear one of Nick’s robes.

  “Benny – what are you doing here?”

  “I was about to ask you the same thing.” He saw the robe she was wearing and assumed the worst. “This is just great. First I see you kissing Gary Bell, now you’re screwing around with my best friend. I just left you a few hours ago. Just what in the heck is this game you’re playing with me?”

  “Let me explain,” said Julie.

  “Don’t bother,” said Benny, as he turned around and hurried down the stairs.

  Tony went to the spot where he’d last left Wainwright. I’m afraid my friend has tried to take care of this thing himself, thought Tony. He searched the area then went back to the street. He saw the towel Wainwright had been wearing earlier in the middle of the road. He is either going back to the dumpster or to his home. The only thing he saw was a cab. He stuck out his hand to wave it down.

  “Do you mind if I pick up another fare?” asked the cab driver.

  “As a matter of fact, I do,” said Benny. “I just want to get home as quickly as possible.”

  “Okay, sir. It’s your choice.” The cab passed the waving Tony. Tony had a chance to glance inside the speeding cab and recognized Benny, who was staring ahead, still in shock over the sight of Julie in Nick’s bathrobe. Tony waited for another cab to come along. He was determined to find Debbie and Wainwright; he wasn’t sure who to go for first.

  Nick was on his way home. He instructed the driver to bring him straight there, but changed his mind once he saw the Balls & Burgers sign.

  “I’m going to have to end the ride, mister,” said the cabbie. “It’s a busy night and I have another fare to pick up.”

  “No problem,” said Nick, as he paid the fare. “I can walk home from here.” The cabbie took the money and went to pick up his next fare, Andie, who was leaving El Muchacho. Nick looked around, hoping to find somebody to drink with, but failed.

  “Slow night?” he asked the new bartender, an older, gruff-looking gentleman – not the type that would usually frequent Balls & Burgers.

  “Sure is,” said the new guy, as he put the phone down on the bar without hanging up. He was wearing a Hawaiian print shirt, hanging over a well-defined beer belly.

  “What’s going on? It’s usually busy here on Sunday nights,” asked Nick.

  “Everybody left and went across town to El Muchacho. Somebody there is playing that stupid Love Blender song – over and over.”

  “Yeah, I know. I was just there. Where’s Marlena? She always works Sundays.”

  “I don’t know, man. I just started working here last night.” Nick looked closer at the man and noticed some kind of earpiece.

  “I guess you listened to too much Beach Boys music as a kid,” Nick joked.

  “What do you mean?” “Your hearing aid - I was just making a joke.”

  “It’s not very funny.”

  “Sorry, man. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

  “You didn’t, and it’s not a hearing aid.”

  “Well, what is it?”

  “None of your business.”

  “You sure have a shitty attitude for being a bartender,” said Nick. “I figured you had a lot of experience.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “You know – the cheesy shirt, the pot belly, all the things that come with an experienced bartender.”

  “Quit calling me that.”

  “What, a bartender?”

  “Yes, quit calling me a bartender.”

  “That’s what you are, aren’t you?”

  “Listen, punk. If you call me that one more time, I’m going to…” He stopped and put his finger on his earpiece. “I’m sorry, sir. What will you have?”

  “Wait a second,” said Nick. “You put you finger on your hearing aid and suddenly you have an attitude change?”

  “Hey, I told you it’s not a goddamn hearing aid,” he said. He put his finger on it again and screamed. He pulled it from his ear and threw it on the floor. It bounced up and landed right next to Nick on the bar. “I don’t need to be doing this freaking surveillance work. Thirty years with this dip-shit organization and I’m still staking out punks in bars.” He stormed out the front door. Nick picked up the earpiece and heard Jamie’s voice.

  “Keep Nick there, Agent Martin, and act like a real bartender. Martin – are you listening to me? Slide the phone closer so I can hear the conversation,” was what Nick heard, as he listened to Jamie’s miniaturized voice through the earpiece.

  He reached over and picked up the phone. “Agent Martin, I don’t hear anything. Get Nick to say something.”

  “What would you like me to say?” Nick asked Jamie. He heard a loud click. Jamie was sitting in her apartment; still shaking from what she believed was a conversation with the Devil. She hadn’t learned what to do in a situation like that at the FBI Cadet Academy. Agent Martin was stationed at Balls & Burgers. He was supposed to keep an eye on Nick’s apartment. When the cab dropped Nick off, he phoned Jamie to let her know. Jamie wanted to listen to the conversation. She remembered Nick having some kind of fascination with the Devil at their lunch meeting. Now she was afraid she had blown her cover.

  “Something really weird is going on here,” Nick said. The bar was now completely empty. He looked at the unattended beer taps as a teen-age fantasy came to mind. He walked behind the bar, grabbed a pitcher, and started pouring. If he was going to figure out what was happening, at least he could do it with a free pitcher of his favorite draft. Once behind the bar, he noticed four small video screens – each with a view of his apartment. One had a view of his front door and another was positioned facing the street. Two other cameras showed the inside of his apartment. One was in his bedroom and the other showed a beautiful Julie Templeton sitting on his sofa – wearing his robe. He picked up the phone and dialed his apartment. He watched Julie as she jumped from the unexpected ringing of the phone. Instead of picking it up, she let the answering machine do its job.

  “…Hi. You’ve called my number. It’s obvious I’m not answering. If you don’t know what to do next, you’re an idiot and shouldn’t be allowed to use the phone. Have a nice day.”

  The ensuing beep was heard, followed by Nick’s live voice – “Julie, it’s Nick. Pick up the phone,” He said. He watched her pick it up.

  “Nick?”

  “Yeah, it’s me.”

  “Thank God its you. I don’t feel comfortable here by myself.”

  “Well, you look pretty comfortable in my favorite robe. I wish I’d had the chance to wash it first.”

  “Oh, God. Benny told you already.”

  “Told me what?”

  “That he saw me in your apartment, wearing your robe.”

  “I haven’t seen Benny since last Tuesday.”

  “Well, how do you know I’m wearing your robe?”

  “I’m watching you right now,” said Nick.

  Julie didn’t believe him.
“There’s now way, Nick. The blinds are shut tight and you don’t have any openings elsewhere in the apartment. I already checked.”

  “Okay, hold up your hand and raise some fingers. I’ll tell you how many you have up.” Jamie extended the middle one. “That’s not very nice,” said Nick. Why don’t you try this – pick up that empty Budweiser can next to your left foot and put in of top on that Playboy magazine you have opened up to the layout of the three women together – right next to that box of Frosted Flakes you just opened.”

  “How did you do that?” asked the startled Jamie.

  “Look on top on the TV screen. Do you see a Jimi Hendrix poster?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, I think the camera must be hidden in there somewhere, at least that’s what I think, judging from the angle I see you.” She walked up to it and noticed one of Jimi’s eyes was a little more glassed over than the other one. She put her finger on it and covered it up. “That’s it,” said Nick. “Find something to keep it covered and I’ll help you find the other camera in the bedroom.”

  After he and Julie discovered the other camera hidden in a bedroom lamp, Nick left the bar. He walked back to his apartment and the robed Julie greeted him.

  “Just why am I doing this?” asked Nick.

  “Doing what?”

  “Letting you hide out here.”

  “I don’t want Gary to know where I am.”

  “Well, somebody knows where you are, judging from the cameras in here. Man, that is the weirdest thing. Why were monitors in Balls & Burgers tuned in to my place? Why was Jamie calling that bartender Agent Martin?”

  “Nick, Jamie works for the FBI.”

  “Right,” said Nick. “First she’s a lesbian, now she’s an FBI agent. That makes perfect sense.”

  “I’m serious, Nick,” said Julie. “Jamie O’Malley is running a sting operation by using Apocalypse Records as a cover.”

  “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” said Nick. “Why would Jamie be posing as an FBI agent?”

  “She’s not posing; she really is one.”

  “You expect me to believe that?”

  “Nick, how did you discover the cameras?”

  “I was at Balls & Burgers when the bartender got pissed-off and left. That’s when I heard Jamie’s voice over the little transmitter thing and…” He paused.

  “Yes, keep going,” said Julie.

  “Why would her voice be coming over a little transmitter?”

  “Because she’s an FBI agent, you idiot.”

  “Why do you think she hung up the phone when she realized I had picked it up?”

  “Because – she’s – an – F – B –I – agent,” said Julie.

  “You know what? Maybe she is an FBI agent,” said Nick. “That would explain the cameras and the transmitter.”

  “You think?” asked the frustrated Julie.

  The cab driver drove in front of El Muchacho where Andie was sitting on a bench outside. She got into the cab and gave her instructions. That’s when the cabbie realized Nick had left his luggage.

  “Ma’am,” said the cabby, “ My last fare forgot his luggage in the trunk. He’s on the way to your home from here. Would you mind if I make a quick stop to drop it off?”

  “What do you mean by on the way? I don’t want you taking me ten miles out of the way.”

  “Eleven-o-three Maplewood,” said the driver. Andie recognized the address. She thought it would be nice to surprise Nick.

  “Sure,” she said. “I’ll even help you bring it inside the apartment.”

  “This is all so freaky,” said Nick. “I want to know what’s going on here.”

  “Well,” said Julie, “Jamie is running the sting operation to catch Carlos Verona in the action of murdering people for personal gain, but needs to put the Wainwright and Grimes firm connection with it to make it stick. Verona’s been using the firm as his legal cover. He’s also somewhat of a wimpy mobster. He can’t hurt a fly. That’s why he hired Grimes to work for him. Grimes has been using his thugs to knock off people for Verona. The police are in on it. Verona has them under his control.”

  “How do you know all this?” asked Nick.

  “I work directly under Gary Bell. He’s been waiting for the right moment to make his move to take over Verona’s enterprise. Carlos is doing all the work for him – and he’s not actually doing the work, Grimes is.”

  “So Bell had Zipper Down killed?”

  “Not exactly,” said Julie, “but he had a lot to do with it, I’m pretty sure.”

  Nick stared at his dining room table, which doubled as his bar. “I’m feeling pretty thirsty right now,” he said. “Why don’t you pour us a couple of stiff ones. I’m going to the bathroom. I haven’t had a decent you-know-what since I left town. You can finish explaining this crap to me after I’m finished.”

  Julie poured the drinks as Nick went into the bathroom. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Julie knocked on the bathroom door.

  “Nick, somebody’s at the front door.”

  “Just ask who it is,” Nick said from inside the bathroom.

  Julie cautiously slithered to the front door and asked meekly, “Who is it?”

  “It’s the cab driver. Mr. Peltier left his luggage in my trunk.”

  Julie ran back to the bathroom door and said, “He said he’s the cab driver, something about you leaving your luggage in the cab.”

  “Just open the damn door and get my luggage,” said Nick. Julie slowly opened the door to the sight of the cab driver and Andie, who was holding one of the bags. Andie was shocked at the sight of Julie standing in Nick’s apartment, wearing his robe. Julie grabbed the bags, thanked both of them, and quickly slammed the door.

  “It looks like your friend is doing the BreastMaster girl,” said the cabby.

  “Oh, that’s who she is,” said the somewhat disappointed Andie.