The Devil's in My Bathroom

by Eddie Latiolais

CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR: Kat Nipped

  Nick fought his way through the crowd and tried to shove Kat back outside.

  “What are you doing here?” asked Benny.

  “Will you leave me alone?” Kat asked Nick, pulling his hand off her sweater. “Benny, I saw your car at Balls & Burgers. I stopped by to talk to you but you weren’t there. I figured you would be over here so I wanted to give you this.”

  She walked over to Benny and handed him the keys to the Lexus.

  “I’m sorry we ended up like this. It was fun while it lasted” She walked over to Debbie. “I can see why Tony is so in love with you. He never talks about anything else but you. You’re a lovely woman and you’re lucky to have such a sweet, loving man like Tony.”

  “Thank you,” said Debbie, as she wiped the sniffles with her arm.

  “Thank you for all your help, Mary Kathryn,” said Tony.

  “It was my pleasure,” said Kat. She turned to Julie and smiled. “Mom’s doing fine.”

  “Great,” said Julie.

  “You know her mom?” asked Benny.

  “Her mom is my aunt,” said Julie. “Kat is my cousin.”

  “Take good care of Benny, Jules. He’s a great guy.”

  “I plan to,” said Julie, as she grabbed Benny’s arm.

  “So you knew about me and Kat all along?” asked Benny.

  “We’ll talk about that later, sweetie,” said Julie.

  Nick grabbed Kat’s arm again and tried to escort her out the room.

  “Wait a second,” she said. “Are these guys The Cramping Violets?”

  “Hi, I’m Dylan. Pleased to meet you.”

  “I saw her first,” said Wesley.

  “Get you own,” said Dustin.

  “Man, you sure look a lot calmer than the last time I saw you outside this apartment last week,” said Pizza Guy.

  “What do you mean by that?” asked Benny.

  “Hello, Miss O’Malley,” Kat said with a snarl. “I haven’t seen you since you fired me last week.”

  “I’m sorry about that, Kat. By this time tomorrow, I’ll be giving you a call explaining what’s going on.”

  “No need,” said Kat. “I got a job at the New Lake Times as the art director, making twice as much as I was at your record company.”

  Nick grabbed her again.

  “Just a second, Nick,” said Kat.

  “So you do know Nick,” said Benny.

  “Of course I do. Nick was the one I left the party with that night Zipper Down was killed. I thought you knew that.”

  “Nick failed to mention that little detail,” said Benny.

  “Please go now, Kat,” said Nick.

  “I just want Benny to know that he shouldn’t be too upset about me coming home with you that night. Nothing happened.”

  “What?” asked Nick.

  “You’re kidding,” remarked Benny.

  “I find that hard to believe,” said Andie.

  “It’s true,” said Kat. “We were both drunk when we got here. You passed out in your bed after taking off all your clothes. You forgot I was even here. I was too drunk to leave so I just stayed here.”

  “Why did you make me believe something happened?” asked Nick.

  “Oh, I was just having a little fun with you. I thought you were gay, so…”

  “What? Wait a second. What in the hell make you think I was gay?”

  “You kept mumbling a man’s name all night.”

  “And what name was it?” asked Andie.

  “I believe it was Andy,” said Kat.

  Andie was stunned. She looked at Nick who had the same reaction as she did.

  “Well, I really need to go now,” said Kat. “It was nice to meet you guys. I hope your album does well. Debbie, it was great to finally meet you. Tony, treat that woman well. Benny, once again, I’m sorry, but you ended up with an awesome woman. Good luck with him, Jules. Nick, you’re a great guy. Ms. O’Malley, no hard feelings. I’m sure you had your reasons for letting me go. Bye everybody.” She stopped short of leaving when she turned to Andie. “I’m sorry. I never got your name.”

  “It’s Andie,” she said.

  “Oh, wow. I guess you were the one Nick kept muttering about all night. Oh, well. Whatever. Gotta run. Bye.” She pranced out, closing the door behind her.

  Andie stared at Nick in disbelief.

  “Andie,” said Debbie.

  “I think somebody really likes you.” She smiled, grabbed Tony, and dragged him to the door. “If you would excuse us, we need to go next door and consummate this engagement.”

  “We will return in about five minutes,” said Tony.

  “Try five days, lover,” said the excited Debbie. As she led him to the front door, she opened it to Gerome Elderberry.

  “What have we here?” he asked.

  “I’m really starting to hate Sundays in my apartment,” said Nick. “What are you doing here, Elderberry?”

  “Is that any way to greet an old friend, Pel-tire?”

  “Just because you followed me around the country this week doesn’t make you an old friend.”

  “You actually left town this week?” asked Andie.

  “Yeah. Chicago, New Orleans, and Lafayette,” said Nick

  “When were you in New Orleans?” asked Andie.

  “I was there, too,” said Debbie.

  “What were you doing in New Orleans?” asked Tony.

  “We were there,” said Benny. “We just got back this morning.”

  “You all can have time for playing Where’s Waldo later,” announced Gerome. “I have a few things to say to you people.” He walked towards Jamie. “It seems that you aren’t exactly what you make yourself out to be, Ms. O’Malley.”

  “Oh, no. She really is a lesbian,” replied Nick.

  “Please don’t say anything otherwise, Jamie. I’m confused enough as it is.”

  “Don’t worry, Nick. I know what Detective Elderberry is getting at,” said Jamie.

  “It’s Lieutenant Elderberry, Ms. O’Malley,” said Gerome. “You run a slick operation. You had me on a wild goose chase to keep me from the real killer.”

  “At least it took you a week to figure it out,” said Jamie.

  “Go ahead, rub it in,” he said. “I hope you accomplished what you set out to do on your end.”

  “I’m about to wrap it up,” said Jamie. “Well, I’m going to save you a little trouble. Carlos Verona just died in a car crash, along with two of his flunkies and one of the men you were planning to pin – Harold Rogers.”

  “What?” asked Andie. “Oh, my. I just saw him a couple of hours ago.” She was surprised that she felt no remorse. She realized it was her setup that resulted in his demise. She actually felt a slight bit of empowerment.

  “Yes,” said Gerome. “That man you were running around New Orleans with, who also went back with Verona’s underage niece.”

  “You were in New Orleans too?” Nick asked Andie.

  “Hang on, Pel-tire. Let me finish what I need to say to the redhead here. Gary Bell was also killed in a crash tonight, so that’s another man you don’t have to worry about. Oh, also Pel-tire’s Uncle Dave – he was killed tonight in a crash.”

  “My Uncle Dave?” asked Nick. “I didn’t know he was still alive.”

  “He’s not,” said Gerome. “And one more person you don’t have to worry about – Peter Grimes. He just died in his hospital room.”

  “Peter’s dead, too?” asked the stunned Andie.

  “It looks like my job really did get easier,” said Jamie. “I still need to find out why all these people just happened to die at the same time.”

  “Your job is over, O’Malley. This is our jurisdiction. You can have Chief Bushman. We have him incarcerated right now. We’ll take care of the rest. Now for that little matter you kept me from – the murder of Zipper Down.”

  “I knew you’d figure it out,” said Jamie.

  “Thanks for that vote of confidence, O’Malley,�
� said Elderberry. “I just spoke to Sergeant Wilcox. Your girl Kristi Love just confessed to being the one who left the party with Zipper Down that night. She had fully intended to kill him to as requested by one Gary Bell. She said Zipper wanted to show her his video collection. She was thinking he wanted something else, but for some reason or another, that wasn’t the case. He really just wanted someone to talk to. She was supposed to poison him and try to make it look like a suicide. She realized she couldn’t do it so she left after he started to watch Mommy Dearest. The video in the tape player and her fingerprints on the doorknob confirmed her story. She even gave us the unused vial of arsenic that had Gary Bell’s fingerprints on it. Zipper Down was trying to blackmail Mr. Bell for tax evasion. He was involved in an underpaid contract and needed more money.”

  Elderberry paused as he gazed across the room. “It’s really nice to have all of you together here tonight. It makes my job a lot easier. It seems as if Gary Bell wasn’t the only one with a motive to kill Zipper Down. I just got back from the crime lab. It seems that the pizza box contained some incriminating evidence.

  “I told you I didn’t do it,” said Nick.

  “I know,” said Elderberry. “I was thrown off course. I knew a Pel-tire had something to do with it. When I realized it wasn’t you, I figured it was your father. I realized it wasn’t him after talking to him in Lafayette.”

  “You talked to him after I left?” asked Nick. Maybe he is trying to make amends, he thought.

  “Yes, I did. He’s actually a charming man. I then thought that your uncle was involved in this mess – him being a Pel-tire and all. It turned out that he was in a round about way. Zipper Down died of asphyxiation. This doesn’t sound like murder – except for one thing; in the little anchovy that was found lodged in his throat, there was a tiny trace of poison.”

  “He was the only one who liked anchovies,” said Wesley.

  “Exactly,” said Elderberry. “All the band members ate from that pizza box. There were fingerprints from all four found. However, anchovies were only placed on one fourth of the pizza.”

  “That’s the way I ordered it,” said Nick. “Zipper liked anchovies, Dylan, liked sausage, Wesley liked Canadian bacon, and Dustin liked pepperoni.”

  “Right,” said Elderberry. “And you placed the order at the Deville Creek location.”

  “Because that’s the one closest to Zipper Down’s apartment. They told me they would be there the afternoon before the party that night. I sent them that pizza so they could get rid of their munchies.”

  “How did you know they would have the munchies?” asked Benny.

  “Look at them, Benny,” said Nick.

  “I never touch the stuff,” said Wesley, who started to sweat.

  “I need the bathroom,” said the nervous Dylan.

  “Did somebody mention pizza?” asked Dustin.

  “Don’t worry,” said Gerome. “I’m not here to make any petty pot bust. I’ll leave that up to street cops. Let me finish. The order was received by the Deville Creek location but was delivered by the University location – with Pel-tire’s address on it. The call records show that someone at the Deville Creek location took the order then processed the order at the University location. With the prints taken from the original order form and the box itself, it was discovered that the same person who took the order processed it at the University location, then took the pizza and personally delivered it to Zipper Down’s apartment.”

  “Hey, the pizza was already there when we got there,” said Dylan. “We didn’t see who delivered it.”

  “Of course you didn’t,” said Elderberry. “That would have messed up the plan. The person who delivered it knew about Zipper’s love for anchovies, apparently from all the anchovy pizzas ordered by him. This person took the opportunity to add a touch of poison to one of the little fishes, knowing that just a touch was all that would be needed to kill him.”

  “But he didn’t die until after the party,” said Dustin.

  “Did you eat all the pizza before the party?” asked Elderberry.

  “I think Zipper left a slice,” said Dylan.

  “Right. He ate that slice after he got home from the party,” said Elderberry. “He choked to death on the poison-laced piece. It never entered his blood stream so it didn’t show up on the crime lab report. I found a small sliver of an anchovy still on the box when I returned to the apartment. The lab confirmed it this evening. The sliver had just a touch of poison on it. The piece logged in his throat contained just enough to choke him. His throat muscles became paralyzed before he could swallow it. The name on the box showed that it came from the location around the corner from here with Pel-tire’s name on the order. It wasn’t delivered by Pel-tire – it was just ordered by him. The person who delivered it had the perfect motive. The poison was from the venom of the African Green Mamba snake. It only takes a drop to kill a man. I also checked the phone records of Wainwright and Grimes. The fax number used from Africa also made some local calls to a Horace Grimsby. Dave Peltier’s prison mate for twelve years was Calvin Grimsby, father of Horace. A tiny vial of containing a trace of green mamba venom was found at Horace Grimsby’s apartment. After talking to Calvin, I found out that Dave owed him a favor. That favor turned out to be the shipping of green mamba venom from Africa to Horace Grimsby, who would in turn use it to kill zipper down.”

  “Dude, this really blows,” said Pizza Guy.

  “It sure does, Mr. Horace Grimsby,” announced Elderberry.

  “Horace?” asked Dustin. “Dude, that’s one whacked-up name.”

  “Yeah,” said Wesley. “I thought mine was lame but yours tops it.”

  “Isn’t that like that elephant that heard the who?” asked Dylan.

  “No, dude,” said Dustin. “That was Horton.”

  “My bad,” said Dylan.

  “Do you idiots realize what I’m saying?” asked Elderberry. “Your friend here is the one who killed Zipper Down.”

  “We never really liked the guy anyway,” said Wesley.

  “Yeah, and I think he was gay,” said Dustin.

  “What? No wonder you guys always insisted he sleep with me on road trips,” said Dylan. “Man, that’s just wrong. It’s a good thing he never tried anything. I would have had to…”

  “Will you assholes keep quiet?” screamed Elderberry.

  “Phipps, get in here,” he yelled to the waiting policeman, who was just outside the door. “I want you to place Mr. Grimsby here under arrest.”

  “Bummers,” said Pizza Guy. “Sorry dudes, I just wanted the gig, like big time. I don’t usually go around killing people. My old man made the suggestion. Green mamba venom sounded so cool.”

  Officer Phipps handcuffed Pizza Guy, a.k.a. Horace Grimsby, and escorted him out the door.

  “Don’t worry, Jamie,” said Benny. “I’ll get right on it for the publicity.”

  “Benny, aren’t you forgetting that Jamie isn’t really the head of Apocalypse?” asked Nick.

  “It doesn’t matter. This news will make them even bigger stars,” explained Benny.

  “It looks like I taught him well,” said Jamie.

  “And you’re not about to send me on another wild goose chase around the country, looking for another drummer,” said Nick.

  “Mr. Levon left me instructions saying Benny was to run the company while he’s away. He’ll be back in about a month,” said Jamie. “I really don’t care what you do with the company.”

  “He was such a good delivery guy,” said Nick.

  “Well, we still have some business to take care of,” said Debbie, as she grabbed Tony again.

  “I am so glad to have you back, my little fettuccine,” said Tony. “There are so many plans we must make, and…”

  “We can make plans later. Right now, I just want to go next door and screw your brains out,” said Debbie.

  “My Deborah, I do not approve of this foul language you have been using, but I must admit – I find it qui
te arousing.”

  “Let’s find out just how aroused you are, stud-man.” They left the apartment.

  “Okay, guys. We need to find you a new drummer,” said Benny. “I’ll make some calls and postpone our tour for a few weeks. Meet me in my office tomorrow at eight.” He felt Julie tugging on his arm and gave him a sultry smile. “On second thought, make that ten.”

  He grabbed Julie and they left the apartment. They hoped into his beloved Lexus and went to Benny’s home.

  “You heard the man,” said Jamie. “Get out of here and get some rest. I have the feeling you won’t be getting much of that in the next few months.”

  “You want to come to my place and rest with me?” asked Dylan.

  “You idiot,” said Dustin. “She’s a lesbian.”

  “What? You make me sleep with the gay guy but you won’t let me hit on the lesbian. Man, you guys are wrong.”

  “Nobody’s hitting on the lesbian,” said Nick. “You guys just get out of here. I’m sure Benny will set y’all up tomorrow.”

  “Okay, dude,” said Dustin. “Come on, dudes. Let’s blow this taco stand.”

  “I think she likes me,” said Dylan, as they left the apartment.

  “It looks like I still have some work to do,” said Jamie. “I think I’ll leave you two alone. It was nice to meet you, Andie.”

  “Same here,” Andie replied, as she shook Jamie’s hand.

  “Nick’s a great man. I’m sure he’ll make you happy.” She leaned over and gave Nick a hug. She kissed him on the cheek and whispered in his ear, “Don’t screw this one up.” Smiling, she left the apartment.

  “Man, this sure has been one hell of an evening,” said Nick.

  “You can say that again,” said Andie.

  “Man, this sure…”

  “Nick, come on. It’s just a figure of speech.”

  “I know. I’m just trying to make small talk.” The tension in the air was thick.

  “Why do we need small talk? We never had trouble speaking before?” asked Andie.

  “I know. It’s just that tonight has been kind of revealing.”

  “Nick, I know what you’re getting at.”

  “You do?”

  “Yes, and I must say, it’s pretty awkward.”

  “Sure is.”

  “Why don’t we sit down and talk about it,” said Andie. She sat on the sofa and patted the seat next to her, inviting Nick to do the same.

  “So I guess you won’t be seeing Harvey anymore.”

  “His name is – I’m sorry – was Harold and no, I won’t be seeing him anymore.”

  “Let’s just imagine that he didn’t just die,” said Nick. “Would you still be with him?”

  “That’s a weird question, but I can honestly say – no. I wouldn’t be,” said Andie. She reflected on the situation for a couple of seconds. “I’m sorry he died, but he was a lying, cheating pervert.”

  “I guess work is going to be really interesting tomorrow.”

  “You’re telling me. Probably for you, too.”

  “You can say that again.”

  “Probably for you…”

  “Okay, Andie. I get the point,” Nick said, with a chuckle.

  “You’re so cute,” Andie said, with a subtle smile.

  “You think so?”

  “No, I’m just feeding you a load of bullshit, Nick.”

  “That’s what I figured,” said a dejected Nick.

  “No, I’m being sarcastic.”

  “About the bullshit?”

  “No, silly, about you being cute.”

  “So you don’t think I’m cute?”

  “Wait a second. Now you’re confusing me – no – I don’t think you’re cute”

  Nick’s face dropped in disappointment.

  “I’m sure that you’re cute,” said a smiling Andie.

  “Okay, you can stay,” Nick joked.

  “Would you like me to stay?”

  What do you mean by stay?”

  “I don’t know. What did you mean by stay?”

  Nick looked into Andie’s eyes. He saw a glow he’d never seen before.

  “I mean that you can stay here instead of driving all the way home?” said an extremely confused Nick.

  “Oh, I see,” said Andie. “You don’t want me to stay here for any other reason?”

  “What other reason would there be?”

  “Maybe you would like to do something with me?”

  “Are you setting me up? Is this some kind of trick? I don’t think that’s very funny.”

  “I’m not saying I’d even let you, Nick. I’m just wondering if the intentions are there.”

  “You want to know if I want to sleep with you?”

  “No, I already know the answer to that. You made that clear at that lunch you had had with Jamie and Benny.”

  “Oh yeah, I guess I did say that.”

  “It’s yes, isn’t it?”

  “Well, yeah, but that’s still pretty presumptuous of you. Just because I said it doesn’t necessarily mean I meant it.” Nick realized that sounded bad.

  “Let me ask you this – if you didn’t sleep with Kat, how long has it been since you actually had sex?”

  “With a woman?”

  “Unless there’s another part about you I don’t know about.”

  “No, of course not. I’m just making sure I’m getting the question right. You’ve never asked me this kind of question before.”

  “It’s important that I know.”

  “Why?”

  “Just tell me.”

  “Okay. Let’s see – Marlena wanted to, but I didn’t. Suzi, I believe her name was, wanted, but I couldn’t for some reason or another. Satan herself in Chicago…”

  “What?”

  “Never mind. Nothing happened. Okay, let me think.”

  “I know there’s so many, so take your time.”

  Nick thought about the question for a few minutes.

  “Oh, my God,” said Nick. “Now that I think about it, I haven’t had sex with any woman since I met you.”

  “Give me a break, Nick. I’ve seen all those woman you’ve been with. You mean to tell me you didn’t sleep with any of them?”

  “Oh, I slept with most of them. I just didn’t have sex with any of them.”

  “I don’t believe you, Nick. Why can’t you just be honest with me?”

  “I am. You don’t think this is something I want to admit, do you? Oh, my God. I really didn’t. I can’t believe it. I just never stopped to think about it before.”

  “Let’s just say you are telling me the truth; when did you realize it?”

  Nick took her hand and gazed into her eyes.

  “Just a few moments ago,” he said, in a sweet, calm tone. He rubbed his thumb across the top of Andie’s hand. He took his other hand and put it behind Andie’s head. He petted her long brown hair, never breaking the stare. He slowly brought his lips to meet hers. Andie jumped back.

  “We can’t do this,” she exclaimed. “There is no way I can believe you haven’t had sex with another woman since you met me. Why are you lying to me?”

  “I’m just as surprised as you are. I haven’t really thought about it before now. Wait a second. I do remember one. The night I met you, I hooked up with the desk clerk at the hotel. That’s the last one.”

  “So you had sex with a girl right after we had that long talk at my apartment?”

  “Yeah. I remember the night not feeling complete. Something was missing, so I got the desk clerk to come to my room for her fifteen minute break - and I thought about you the whole time.”

  “This is ridiculous. Why didn’t you try anything with me?”

  “You wanted me to try something?”

  “Of course not – well, maybe – oh, hell, I don’t know.” Andie was more confused than Nick.

  “I didn’t want to screw up my chances of being your friend,” said Nick.

  Andie paused then said, “That is the sweetest thing
anybody has ever said to me.”

  “Besides, sex is the only thing I wanted from that desk clerk.”

  “I hate you,” Andie suddenly cried.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “But I want to have sex with you now.”

  You’ve always wanted to have sex with me,” she said through the tears.

  “Why are you crying?”

  “Because you slept with that hotel clerk instead of me.” Andi blurted out.

  “I didn’t think you ever wanted to sleep with me.”

  “Well, I surely don’t anymore.”

  “Okay, if it makes you feel any better, I don’t want to sleep with you, either.”

  “Go to hell!” screamed Andie. She grabbed a pillow from the sofa and started beating him with it.

  “Hey, stop it. You got me in the eye.”

  “I don’t care. I hate you.”

  “Why do you hate me?”

  “Because I love you.” Andie got up from the sofa and stormed out the door, leaving Nick alone.

  “What just happened?” he asked himself.