by Matt Haig
I said Mrs Fell do you believe in ghosts?
Her nose flinched a bit like the question was a ball thrown in her face and she said No I dont.
I said Neither did I until I saw my dads ghost.
She said Philip.
I said Im not making it up.
She said I know youre not Philip. Its just after terrible things happen it is sometimes hard to know what is real and what is not.
I said He told me that Mum was in trouble and I had to steal the mini bus.
She wrote something down on paper and she looked at me for another Long Time and picked up the little gold cross in-between her thumb and finger and moved it along the necklace. Then she said And when you got back was your Mum in trouble?
I said No.
She said So there you go.
I said He was lying.
She said Philip you have to try to ignore these things because they are part of your imagination.
I said I cant help it.
She said Theres no such word as cant Philip. You have to help it.
I said I have no choice.
She said You always have a choice. Life is full of choices Philip thats all there is. You can ignore anything you choose to ignore and eventually it will go away.
I said What about the soldiers?
She said What soldiers?
I said In the First World War. The ones whose fathers lied.
She said That is different.
I said Why?
She said That is History Philip not Imagination. In fact its a poem so its both.
I said So when I am old and dead and Im in History will I be right?
She said Philip you miss your dad very much. Do you want to talk a bit about that?
I said No.
She said Do you want to talk about your dad? About what he was like?
I said He did funny voices.
Her eyebrows went together like thin caterpillars that wanted to kiss but couldnt and she said Funny voices?
I said Yes. When he bought me a new fish hed do me the voice how the fish speaks like he always gave the Guppies posh voices and the Mollies sounded like this
And I did her the voice of the Mollies and she nearly laughed.
And I told her But his ghost isnt funny hes just sad and angry.
I didnt want to tell her about the Dead Fathers Club or the Terrors. She didnt believe in ghosts so she wasnt going to believe in the Dead Fathers Club or the Terrors. And I wasnt going to tell her about what Dads Ghost said about Uncle Alan because I didnt know if he had lied about that as well and if he hadnt lied she might tell Mum and make Uncle Alan more dangerous.
Mrs Fell said Does your mum know all this?
I said No.
Mrs Fell said What do you think she would think?
think
think
I said That Im stupid.
Mrs Fell said So why did you tell me?
I looked at her arm. It had freckles on it and soft little hairs and I wanted to touch her skin but I didnt.
I said I dont know.
Mrs Fell said You said your dads ghost was angry. What do you think he was angry about?
I thought this was a weird question because Mrs Fell didnt believe in my dads ghost so why did she care about what he was angry about but I didnt tell her the truth I just said I dont know.
Then Mrs Fell asked another weird question which was When did you last see your fathers ghost?
And I said I havent seen him since Hadrians Wall.
She smiled like I had given her the Right Answer.
Angelfish
All fish are the same and no fish are better than other fish really but if there is a best fish it is the Angelfish. The Angelfish I have is six inches big and it has blue and yellow stripes on its body which is round and flat. The proper name for the Angelfish is in my book on tropical fish and it is Holocanthus ciliaris which is Latin like the Romans spoke but the name I call her is Gertie which is short for GERTRUDE which is a funny name.
Angelfish are hard fish to have because they are fussy and have to have water between 80 and 82 degrees FAHRENHEIT for them to stay alive or they melt or freeze. I only have one Angelfish which is bad because Angelfish are better in twos because they have a mate and stay with them for life.
The Angelfish I have is from the
AMAZON RIVER BASIN
in South America which has very warm water like in my tank.
Angelfish come from a family called Chaetodontidae. I dont think fish know they have such long names.
The best thing about Angelfish is that even when they are big they can disappear because they are so flat that when they face you you cant see them even though they are right in front of you.
The Men Who Smashed the Pub
The noise came into my dream.
In my dream I was playing Football on a hill and I was playing against the whole Football team and I was really good like when I was in Primary School but the pitch was becoming steeper like a hill and every time I kicked the ball it went back into my goal or for a corner and I was losing 20 nil. Dad was referee and I tried to tell him about the pitch being a hill getting steeper but he said Bad footballers blame the pitch Philip. Bad footballers blame the pitch.
And then I heard the school bell in my dream but it wasnt really a school bell and the pitch went very steep like a trap door opening and I fell and landed in bed.
It was still dark and my alarm clock said 04:27 and I heard the noise again. It was downstairs. It was a smash and tinkle noise like someone breaking glass.
I got up and out of bed and out of my room in the dark.
I went downstairs on the bit of the stairs closest to the wall because it doesnt squeak and I walked down and there was another smash noise but it wasnt a window. I waited on the stairs and I didnt know what to do and I saw Dads Ghost for the first time since Hadrians Wall and Dads Ghost said Stop them.
I said How?
He said Scream.
I said I dont want to.
He said Scream.
I said I dont want to.
He said SCREAM.
I said I DONT WANT TO!!!!!!
And the men smashing up the Pub must have heard me because they said something and I saw one of them through the wobbly glass in the door and he was wearing all black even on his face which is called a
balaclava
and then they ran out of the Pub and my body couldnt move not even my fingers and the next thing Mum was behind me at the top of the stairs with her sleepy hair and her hand on the front of her neck and a scared face.
She ran down the stairs past me and past Dads Ghost without noticing him or me and I didnt hear anything for a second and then her voice through the door said Bastards the bastards the fucking bastards.
And then my dads ghost went to be with her and I went too and that is when I saw the Pub.
The Pub was all smashed all the bottles and the door and the till was open and all the money was gone. Mum was sitting under the till on the floor behind the bar.
Dads Ghost was there and he said Tell her to stand up.
I said Why?
Mum didnt notice me talking to no one.
Dads Ghost said Shes going to cut herself on the glass.
I said Mum stand up. Youre going to cut yourself on the glass.
She looked at me as if she hadnt known I was there and then she stood up and she was shaking.
Dads Ghost said Tell her to phone the police.
I said Shall I phone the police?
Mum said No. No. Ill do it.
And she walked between the smashed glass with her bare feet and when she was on the phone Dads Ghost said They must have changed their minds.
I said What?
And he said They must have put it back a month. But it was definitely them Philip.
I said Yes and I said to myself I was going to believe in Dads Ghost from now on.
Barbarism
The next day when I
got home Uncle Alan was there putting wood in the smashed window and banging nails.
He said All right son.
The word son itched me inside and I looked at the black on his hands that he never washed off and I thought it will be hard to kill someone with massive hands who hammers in nails really hard. His hands are as big as Queen Angelfish which is the biggest type of Angelfish and too big for my tank.
I went upstairs and Mum was making tea in the kitchen.
I tried to act normal and so I had my book on The Romans in Britain by Graham Fortune but I could only read one sentence. The sentence was
For the Roman soldier Hadrian’s Wall was more than just a defence against the Caledonian tribes – it also represented the dividing line between the known world of order and civilisation, and the unknown world of chaos and barbarism.
I didnt know what barbarism meant. It sounded like something to do with haircuts but that didnt sound right. The picture in the book showed the tribes with long messy hair and the Romans with short hair or helmets so maybe barbarism was to do with haircuts.
I couldnt read any more so I fed my fish.
I had just finished feeding them and I was watching the five Guppies and I was watching them come to the surface and take the biggest flakes which are too big for them. Then the Neons below them fed on the bits that dropped out of the Guppies mouths and fell slowly through the water. And I was sitting on the bed and watching the flakes and rubbing the smell of them off on my trousers and I saw Dads Ghost in the glass.
I turned round and he said Hi son.
His face was sadder than it was before and I knew it was because he had spent all the time in the Terrors.
Then he said Im sorry.
I said Why?
He said About the mini bus. About getting the wrong day.
I said Its OK.
He said Your mum wasnt in danger. Even last night you and your mum were safe.
I said The men smashed up the Pub. They could have smashed us up.
He said No. It wasnt his plan. He just wanted to scare you both. He must have sorted the CCTV out. He knew the police wouldnt be able to do anything.
I said There were three men.
He said Yes. But it was one mans idea. He paid the other two. He will probably just add it to their wages. They work for him in the Garage.
I said No.
He said Yes. My brother. My blood.
I said Why?
He said He wants the Pub Philip. He wants your mum. Dads Ghost started to flicker out but I got his last words before he went which he said in his serious ghost voice
fear
brings
him
near
And then Dads Ghost was gone.
Sin
Mum called Alan! Philip! Teas ready!
I didnt want Uncle Alan to stay for tea but I couldnt stop it because Uncle Alan was staying for tea most days now.
Mum had made a chilli sin carne. Mum says chilli sin carne is a chilli without meat and Mums Weight Watchers cookbook says SIN means without in Spanish which is what they speak in Mexico where chilli comes from. And CON means with and carne means meat and she made it with Tofu instead of meat because it has less fat and Uncle Alan was talking non stop just words words words.
You arent SAFE here on your own.
What if it happens again.
Brian would want you to be SAFE.
I could sleep in the spare room.
Dont mind my place I could rent it out.
Get more money.
See theres method in my madness.
Id be an extra pair of hands.
I wont be under your feet.
Im at the Garage most of the hours God sends.
Ill work at the Garage all day and help with the Pub at night.
It would be the easiest thing in the world.
And Dads Ghost was standing by the cooker and watching Uncle Alan do his half smile and his eyes which poured into Mum.
Dads Ghost said to me He sits there smiling. That evil villain sits there smiling. Trying to worm his way in like a maggot. Smiling smiling smiling. Look at him Philip. Look at him. Smiling damned villain.
I looked at him. I looked at his hands with the black on them and they were over Mums hands.
Mum looked at me looking and then looked at my plate and said Arent you going to eat that?
And I said No.
Mum said Philip youll waste away.
And Uncle Alan said Go on Philip do as your mum says. Get it eaten.
And I looked at Dads Ghost and I thought he was going to say dont eat it but he didnt. He said Eat it Philip youll need your strength.
And so I picked up my fork and started to eat and Mum smiled at Uncle Alan thinking he had got me to eat it and that made me so mad and Dads Ghost could see it made me so mad but Mum couldnt see it like my mood was a ghost. She couldnt see it and before I knew what was happening the plate of chilli was flying through Dads Ghost and crashing into the unit door and there was chilli sin carne all over the floor.
That turned the room into a photo. Mum and Uncle Alan and even Dads Ghost didnt move. They just stood or sat and made their mouths into an O. And I went out of the room and heard Mum say Philip! Philip! Come back!
But I didnt come back. I went into my room and my dads ghost went too.
I shut the bedroom door and Dads Ghost said What are you doing?
I said I hate him.
Dads Ghost said You have to calm down. You have to stay in control.
I said I cant I hate him I cant.
And there was a knock on the door and Mum said Philip?
She opened it and said Philip who on Earth are you talking to?
And Uncle Alan was standing behind her in his blue shirt with the popper buttons and he was looking at me and into me but I didnt let him see the things I knew not like Mum who lets him see everything in her eyes.
And Mum said Philip whats going on? Is this about your father?
And I looked at Dads Ghost and said Dont know.
And she asked me lots of questions and I just kept saying Dont know.
Dont know.
Dont know.
Dont know.
Dont know.
Dont know.
Until she said Fine and went back to the kitchen with Uncle Alan and cleaned up the mess and Dads Ghost went to watch them and I listened at the door and just heard Mumbles but I knew the Mumbles were about me.
And I knew that Uncle Alan was going to stay in the spare room and I knew Mum wanted him to and I knew it was all my fault.
And I couldnt help it. I went out of the bedroom and into the kitchen and Dads Ghost was there shaking his head saying No.
But I couldnt help it and I said Its him its him its him!!!
And I was pointing at Uncle Alan but not looking and my body was shaking and Mum was holding me and spit was out of my mouth hanging and I was in her jumper my face was and I closed my eyes and smelt her warm jumper and it was a nice smell like flowers.
Mr Fairview and the Trout
I was early at school and I got there before almost anyone in my Year apart from Nigel Curtain who lives on a farm 15 miles away and who gets dropped off by his dad on Wednesdays when his dad goes to the Cattle Market.
Before I smashed the window and before I screamed out in my sleep and stole the mini bus Nigel Curtain was the one that got picked on the most because of his school jumpers which his mum makes for him and for his hair which is fuzzy and for the way he talks in a deep voice without moving his mouth as if the words are coming from somewhere else.
But now when the bus arrives and brings everyone from Winthorpe Road and Yorke Drive like Dominic Weekly and Jordan Harper I am left on my own and not even Nigel will talk to me.
And this morning when I saw all the people coming I stood up off the bench and started walking towards the main school building because sometimes I am allowed in early. But when I was halfway someone grabbed my bag which w
as over my back and pulled me and started spinning me round. I saw someone laughing and I saw his colours his black Adidas jacket and his pink skinny face and his fish eyes and his black hair and it was Jordan Harper so I knew it was Dominic Weekly who had got me. Dominic Weekly is stronger than Jordan and bigger and wants to be in the army and has SAS in big black ink on his rucksack and I was spinning fast now and saying Please.
Jordan was bent laughing and Dominic said Please what?
I said Please stop.
He said OK.
And he let me go and I went flying and landed on my hands and scraped them and they were cut and it burnt and I felt tears in my eyes but stopped them in time and Dominic said Ill give you a spade and you can tell your dad.
He gobbed on me and Jordan was laughing.
And I had my meeting with Mrs Fell but I didnt say about Dominic Weekly or about throwing the chilli sin carne or seeing Dads Ghost again but I did tell her about the Pub being smashed up and that is when she told me I should write everything down.
She said it helps to write everything straight on paper or on computer but she thinks paper is best. I asked her why and she said that when you write with a pen it is like writing with a part of yourself like it is another finger. I liked that and so I said the ink must be like blood and she said it is blue so I must be royal like Prince William.
She said that writing is sometimes easier than speaking even though it takes longer and she said it is easier because you can do it on your own and say things that you are scared to speak unless it was by yourself and if you speak to yourself people think you are mad but if you write the same things they think you are clever.
Mum picked me up from school because it was raining very heavy and Renuka was in the front in her tracksuit and talking at 500 miles an hour and they had been to the gym and I sat in the back and looked at the raindrops swimming together like fish across the window and I was not saying anything because I was right and Uncle Alan was staying with us now in the spare bedroom.