by Matt Haig
And I thought that was bad but I still had more than one month to kill him before Dad had to suffer the Terrors for ever.
After tea Uncle Alan sat back in Dads chair and swallowed his food and said Its a missed opportunity this place you know?
And Mum didnt know so Uncle Alan said I could help you turn it round I could really.
Mum said What do you mean?
Uncle Alan whistled air out of his hairy nose and then he said Take all those Real Ales.
And Mum said What about them?
Uncle Alan folded his arms still nose whistling and he said Stale flat unprofitable.
Mum said But
Uncle Alan lifted his hand and said I know what youre going to say but the facts speak for themselves. People want lager. They want names they know and prices they can afford.
Mum said But
Uncle Alan said Listen. Im not Bill Gates but I know a thing or two about making a pretty penny.
Mum said But
Uncle Alan said Youve got to let your head rule your heart. Not the other way round. The last thing Brian would want to see is this place going under.
Mum said I know. I know. When you put it like that.
And I said Mum can I go to my room?
Uncle Alan said All Im asking is to give my way a go for a month. Ive got loads of ideas.
I said Mum can I go to my room?
Mum said What Philip?
But my question came into her head and she said Yes of course you can.
I went into my room.
And later Mr Fairview came.
Mr Fairview is Uncle Alans friend and he is his Partner at the Garage but he doesnt work there and doesnt have black on his hands and wears clothes that are out of a time machine and he has hair flat on his head.
Mr Fairview and Uncle Alan have been friends for a long time and they always go fishing together with another man called Terry who I dont know but Uncle Alan takes the mickey out of Mr Fairview behind his back because Mr Fairview is part of the God Squad and talks from the Bible all the time.
He came round to see Uncle Alan and it was seven o clock and I was in my bedroom and Mum came in and said Come and say hello to Mr Fairview.
Really she wanted me to see Leah who is Mr Fairviews daughter and she is a Year Eight and that is a Year above me and I didnt know her but I had seen her in assemblies and she is tall and has long brown hair with bits of red in and a smile that curves down at the ends which is nice.
And when I came into the kitchen and started talking to her Mum and Uncle Alan made wide eyes as if we were boyfriend and girlfriend and Mr Fairview just looked at me with his old long face looking like her grandad not her dad. Mum was wearing lots of Make Up and her eyebrows were thin like lines and then I noticed there was a big silver fish on the unit.
Mum said Look what Mr Fairview brought us Philip.
I looked at the fish and the sad smile.
Mr Fairview said Newark Trout straight out of the Trent. Couldnt get one that size from any fishmonger in town.
Mr Fairview is a man who looks like he was born a man not a boy because his face looks like it was never a boys face and he looks like God made his skin the wrong size for him because it has too many lines and it hangs down off his cheeks like a dog.
The eyes of the dead fish were looking at me and it made me feel weird and I thought I saw the mouth of the fish move and say Fishmonger but I closed my eyes hard shut and opened them and I knew it was my imagination.
fish
mon
ger
And I started talking to Leah again who was looking at me like I was funny and Mum said Why dont you show Leah your room Philip?
Mr Fairview said Go on Lambkin you dont want to be with us boring grown ups.
And so I took her to my room and she said Wow youve got fish!
She bent down and looked at them and her hair nearly touched the floor and she pointed at the Angelfish and said Shes pretty.
I said Shes an Angelfish.
And then she said You stole a mini bus.
And I went red like the mini bus and said Yes.
And she said Thats funny and then she stood up and laughed and fell back on the bed and I sat on the edge of the bed.
And we talked and talked and I talked about what my dad was like and she said her dad was OK but he talks about God too much and thinks he knows everything and likes the sound of his voice and I thought like father like daughter but didnt say it and she talked about school and kept on saying Youre funny when I didnt know I was funny but I quite liked it and then after ages she said Have you ever kissed anyone?
And I said I dont know.
And she said Youre funny.
Then she said Ill show you if you want. Close your eyes.
I said Why?
She said Its what you do when you kiss.
I said OK.
And I closed my eyes and I felt her lips touch mine and it felt weird and we opened and closed mouths like fish and she pulled me off and said Your mouth is moving too fast.
So we did it again. When I kissed her I tried not to think about the Horrible Things about mouths and the one million little creatures that live in mouths and the two pints of spit that a mouth makes every day and my mouth was slower and I thought of Spiderman and Peter Parker kissing Mary Jane and I felt good and I wondered if Mrs Fell kissed like Leah.
And then we stopped kissing and then she said You could be my boyfriend.
And I thought about having to kill Uncle Alan and I said I dont know.
And she said Youre meant to say yes. Its bad not to say yes.
And she looked a bit upset and stuck her lips out and I said Yes.
I thought it was weird that she liked me because most girls dont like me but she was different to most girls in Year Seven and most girls in all Years I think.
She clapped and said Hold my hand.
I said Why?
She said Its what boyfriends and girlfriends do.
I said Why?
She said Youre funny.
And we sat on the end of my bed holding hands and outside my window I could see my dads ghost in the dark and he was talking to someone invisible and he was near the Bottle Banks and so I guessed he was talking to the Dead Fathers Club.
And then Leah said Have you got a pen?
I got my pen which was on my homework and she pulled up her school jumper and she wrote on her arm and what she wrote was LEAH + PHILIP and she did it on my arm as well. And she said from out of nowhere Dominic Weekly is nothing.
I said What?
She said I know he likes to be nasty with you at school but he is nothing. He is scared of me and he wont mess with you again.
And I wondered if Dominic Weekly was really scared of a girl. Even an older girl. And I didnt think so but I looked at Leah and I thought maybe he was and I kept holding her hand.
The Four Layers of the Earth
When Dad died Mum didnt wear her tan or her Make Up but when she started seeing more of Uncle Alan she wore her tan again all over and her Make Up even at breakfast and she went to the gym with Renuka again and when she didnt go to the gym she did the DVD and it was called The Hollywood Work-out with Nancy and Bobby.
And I was with her before I went to school and she had her face in the carpet and her arms and legs in the air. Bobby with big muscles was saying This is called the Superman move because with your arms and legs off the floor you can feel like you are flying.
And I said Mum how longs Uncle Alan staying here?
And Mum was coughing into the carpet and saying Hes being very kind Philip.
And that was an answer to a different question so I asked the question again and she said Please Philip Im doing my workout.
All the way to school I was thinking how I was going to kill Uncle Alan because the No Time was getting less and less every day.
When I got to school everyone knew I was Going Out with Leah and she was right Dominic Weekly didnt pick on me a
nd Jordan Harper didnt. Well they laughed at me a bit but that was all. And all Going Out is is holding hands at break and sitting on the bench with Leahs friends who are like Leah but not as pretty and all think Im funny even when Im serious. Especially then. And I think everyone was starting to forget about the mini bus because no one called me Skitso now and boys talked to me again not just Nigel Curtain other boys like the twins Ross and Gary who are Carla the Barmaids sons. Ross and Gary are good at Football and they are exactly the same except Ross has a line in his eyebrow.
I played heads and volleys with them at lunch and Leah watched but I wasnt as good but they didnt laugh too much and Leah didnt laugh at all. Gary let me hear some music on his headphones and it was 50 Cent who is a rapper in New York and you have to nod your head when you listen to him so I nodded my head.
I didnt see my dads ghost all day so he was either in the Terrors or with the dead fathers talking ghost things and it was the best day at school since he crashed and died in the car. The lessons I had were French and I learnt la bibliotheque is library and la gare is station and we heard a song called Quelle est la date de ton anniversaire? which means When is your birthday? and which is not like 50 Cent. Cent means 100. And then we had Geography with Mr Rosen and I learnt about the four layers of the Earth.
Everything you see is the top layer which is the crust like on bread. Below the crust layer there is bits of melted rock called Magma and under that is solid rock which is very very hot and the third layer is melted metal and right in the middle is the INNER CORE which is solid metal and that is the hottest bit of the Earth. So the crust with all the fields and the seas and the buildings is like Make Up on top of the hot red bubbly rocks and metals under our feet.
I walked home on the Earths Make Up with Leah and she said Lets see your arm.
I said What?
She undid my button and pulled up my shirt to see my arm and it was normal and she showed her arm and it still said LEAH + PHILIP. And she punched me for letting it fade but it was only a joke punch and she told me about her brother called Dane who is 16 and he is big and muscly and has an earring in his eyebrow and a skin head and a green Kappa top. He is in Year Eleven and we met him on the corner of Harcourt Street and he was smoking and squinting his eyes like the smoke hurt inside him and he had his shirt half out and half in.
Leah told Dane to Be nice.
Dane said Do you want to go twos on this?
He held out the cigarette glowing red like lava and I said No.
He said Dont worry Im only joking.
It went quiet even Leah who speaks a lot normally but not in front of her brother. And in the silence I wondered if Dads Ghost had got it wrong about Uncle Alan killing him because Leah and Dane were nice and that meant Mr Fairview might be nice and Mr Fairview is best friends with Uncle Alan so Uncle Alan might be nice and not a killer. But I thought in my head Dont go soft again.
And Dane said Youre the one who stole the mini bus.
I said Yes.
He said Thats well cool.
And then he said Im sorry about your dad.
I said Its OK.
He said our mum died.
I said Oh.
And then Dane said to me What music do you like?
And I didnt know what to say because I didnt listen to music since Dad died I just watched my fish and did my homework. I used to listen to Dads music which was Marvin Gaye but I remembered just in time and I said 50 Cent.
Dane nodded so it was the Right Answer. And he told me about 50 Cent being shot but still being alive and he told me about other rappers like Eminem who hates his mum and Jay Zee who loves his mum and Can Yay West who he said is good but raps a lot about Jesus.
And we talked and Leah walked behind us and we passed a lot of newspapers in a bush and they were Danes from his Paper Round and then we got near their house and they both went quiet. I thought that it would be a posh house because Mr Fairview was rich and it was a big house but it was crumbly with flaky paint on the door like Carla the Barmaids flaky arm.
Mr Fairview was at the window and pulling back the curtains and staring at me and staring at Leah and staring at Dane. And when Mr Fairview went away Dane flicked his cigarette in the front garden which was very WEEDY and the red bit like Magma landed on the ground but didnt go out.
And Leah said See you tomorrow.
Dane said like in a film Be good to her.
And I said Yes.
Ross and Gary
The twins Ross and Gary were in the Pub sitting down with Tango cans at a table waiting for their mum. Normally they ignore me and I just go upstairs but they were my friends today because they let me listen to their music at lunch break and play heads and volleys.
Ross saw me when I was in the hall and his hand said Come here and then Garys hand said Come here so I went over to them and they said both together All right?
I said All right?
Garys head was leaning to the right and Rosss head was leaning to the left so they looked like there was a mirror in the middle of them apart from the line in Rosss eyebrow.
Gary said It must be well mad living in a Pub.
I said I suppose.
Ross said Do you nick crisps?
I said No.
Gary said If I lived in a Pub Id always nick the crisps.
Ross said Do you nick the peanuts?
I said I dont like peanuts.
Gary said Dont you like peanuts?
I said No.
Ross said Peanuts are mint.
Gary said Peanuts are the best peanuts are.
Ross did a burp in three levels. First quiet then medium then loud. Then Gary did a smaller burp and they laughed and then they looked at me and I swallowed air and tried to burp but I couldnt and then they laughed louder but then they looked at the bar and Carla and Uncle Alan were there and they stopped laughing and smiled at me like they liked me.
Ross said Are you going out with Leah?
Gary said She is well fit.
Ross said Does she have dog breath when you snog her?
I said No.
Gary said Does she stick her tongue in?
I said No.
Ross said Do you get a dong on when she kisses you?
I said I dont know.
Gary gulped his Tango and said Does she fart?
I said No.
Ross said Does she never fart ever?
I said I dont know.
Gary said Girls that fart are gross.
Ross said I hate girls that fart.
Gary said I heard Charlotte Ward fart once.
Ross said Charlotte Ward?
Gary said Yeah it was in Maths.
Ross said Charlotte Ward farted in Maths?
Gary said Yeah.
Ross said I thought Charlotte Ward would never ever fart.
Gary said She did.
Ross said What did it sound like?
Gary said Like just a squeak. Like a mouse.
Gary made a squeak sound.
Ross said Did it smell?
Gary said I was at the back I couldnt smell it.
Ross said I bet it smelt of flowers.
Gary said Jamie Western smelt it.
Ross said What did he say it smelt like?
Gary said Just like a normal one but not as strong.
Ross said to me Have you ever heard Charlotte Ward fart?
I said No.
Gary said Its wrong when girls fart.
Ross said If I was Terry Blair Id ban all girls from farting.
Gary said Me too.
Ross said And from having BO.
Gary said to me Have you smelt Amanda Barnsdale?
I said Yes.
Ross said Shes minging.
Gary said I had to sit next to her on the bus. I held my breath all the way.
Ross said All the way?
Gary said Yep.
Ross said Its 22 minutes all the way.
Gary said Thats how long I held it.
/> Ross said You held your breath for 22 minutes?
Gary said I had to or Id have got knocked out. You were all right you were on the top deck.
Ross said You can still smell her on the top deck.
Gary said Shes a big sweaty sock.
Ross said Its cos shes ginger.
Gary nodded and looked at his Tango and said Gingers smell more.
Ross said Their farts are different.
Gary said You never hear them but they smell like poison.
Ross said Ginger poison.
Gary said Do you know that?
I said No.
Gary said Its true.
Then Carla was there with her mini skirt on holding her cigarettes which were SUPERKINGS and to Ross and Gary she said Come on you terrors. Home.
And Ross and Gary downed the rest of their Tangos and said See you mate.
I said See you.
And they went and Carla went and I looked at Uncle Alan behind the bar and he went but after they had all gone the word stayed there in the cigarette smoke air Mate Mate Mate and I liked it.
The Good Shepherd
Later on when Mum was working in the Pub I went round to see Leah and I knocked on the door.
Mr Fairview was through the frosted glass fuzzing like a ghost.
He opened the door and he looked down at me with his long old face and twinkleless eyes and in a sad voice he said If it isnt little Philip?
I said Hello is Leah there please?
And he said Yes she is come in.
I went in and it was a weird house a very weird house with pictures of Jesus looking at me and prayers and crosses on the wall and the house smelt like what Mr Davidson the Religion Teacher at school smells of and what the church smells of. It smelt of God which is the smell of old paper.
And we went into the TV room but it was weird because there was no TV and Mr Fairview raised his old hand to an old green Grandad chair and I sat in it and I thought it must be weird for Leah having a dad who is like a grandad and Mr Fairview said to the stairs Lambkin your friends here.