by Matt Haig
Ross went to open the left gate and Dads Ghost said No!
So I said No!
Gary said Why?
Dads Ghost said Theres a dog. A Dobermann.
And before I could say it the Dobermann growled and barked behind the gate and so Ross and Gary and me and Dads Ghost went through the other gate and through someone elses back garden.
The tracksuit man was in the passage his voice bouncing off bricks Youre dead you mother Fucks. Youre dead.
We went right through the garden and I felt bad with Dads Ghost watching but I didnt want to get caught and the man was in the garden as well getting closer and there was a wall at the back of the garden and we trod over the flowers which were roses and Ross and Gary were over the wall in one second and I was two seconds because my foot was stuck and Dads Ghost said Quick Philip quick.
I ran through another garden with the man still behind and Dads Ghost was flying in front and pointing to the gate Ross and Gary had just gone through and I went through it and out on the street. I didnt know where Ross and Gary were they were gone because they were faster than me and Dads Ghost said The park! so I crossed over the road nearly got run over beeep! and got into the park and ran following Dads flying Ghost.
But halfway through the park by the trees the man got me got my back and pulled me and I said Dad!
The man grabbed my neck and pushed me against the tree and said You think its funny now do you?
I said No.
And Dads Ghost said Get off him!
But the man couldnt hear Dads Ghost.
The man had an eye half closed like it wanted to go to sleep and he said I could squeeze the life out of you like squeezing fucking toothpaste.
Dads Ghost was at our side looking at the man and he said I know him Philip I know him.
I looked at Dads Ghost wanting him to do something but he just kept talking.
He said He works for Alan. He works for him. Its one of the BASTARDS who smashed the Pub.
I kept looking at Dads Ghost and the man turned to see but couldnt see him and said What the fuck are you looking at?
Dads Ghost said Whats his name? Whats his name? Whats his name? Whats his name? Terry thats it! Hes called Terry. Philip say Terry. Say Terry Philip.
I had heard of Terry before because Uncle Alan went fishing with him and Mr Fairview.
I said Terry.
It came out as a cough because his hand was too tight on my neck.
His hand let go a bit and he said What?
I said Terry.
Dads Ghost said Tell him you know who he is.
I said I know who you are.
Terry said Oh you do do you you cunt?
Dads Ghost said Say he works for Alan.
I said You work for Alan.
Dads Ghost said Tell him he smashed the Pub.
I said You smashed the Pub.
One of Terrys eyes went wide but the other one stayed nearly asleep.
Terry said What you on about dipshit?
Dads Ghost said Tell him where you live.
I said I live at the Castle. I live with Alan.
Dads Ghost said Tell him youre Brians boy.
I said Im Brians boy.
Terrys hand came off my neck quick when I said that like my neck was too hot like an oven.
And Terry said Brians boy.
But he said it quiet like to himself and he rubbed his hand on his tracksuit.
Dads Ghost leant over and whispered in Terrys ear Now go.
And Sleepy Eye Terry went and I watched him leave the park with my back still against the tree and my tie still round my head and then I turned to Dads Ghost and said Thanks.
But Dads Ghost was gone.
I looked round the park and I could see other ghosts. There was a woman in a black dress holding a candle and a man hanging in a tree and a gold colour dog with blood on his chest and there were lots of ghosts all over but I closed my eyes and opened them again and they were gone like Dad.
PrayStation
When I got back my heart was still beating fast and I was thinking about Sleepy Eye Terrys hand round my neck in the park but then Mums voice from the Living Room said Philip.
I said What?
She said Come here.
So I went to the Living Room. When I got there there was a big box on the table and it was in a Dixons bag and Mum was nodding to it.
Uncle Alan was looking at me and I said Whats that?
Mum was smiling with her chin back in her neck and she said Its for you. From Uncle Alan. Its why he was a bit late back. Its what youve wanted.
And Uncle Alan said Something to cheer you up. Stop you having to gawp at fish all day long.
I walked over to the bag and could see what it was when I got closer because I could see the words which said PS 2 under the carrier bag. I got the box out of the bag and I tried to open it but it was too hard. Uncle Alans hands came from over my head and opened the box and then I got the PlayStation 2 out and it was protected by bubble poppers. It was a grey box with wires and it had instructions and Uncle Alan said Ill set it up for you. I turned to Mum while Uncle Alan was on the floor by the TV with his big bum in the air like he was religious and Mum said with her volume down Say thank you.
Then she said it again SAY THANK YOU like she was shouting but still with no noise like behind a window. And I didnt want to say it because Uncle Alan was only trying to buy me so he could have sex with Mum but Mums eyes were remote controls so I said Thank you but really quiet like Thank you.
Uncle Alan turned round and said What?
I said Thank you for the PlayStation.
He smiled and nodded and said What are Uncles for?
But it was one of those questions with no answer so I didnt.
And I looked at Mum and she was looking at me with a head more sideways than Mrs Fell and she was happy and she went out of the room and Uncle Alans bum was still in the air like he was saying prayers to the TV.
PlayStation
PrayStation
And I was standing there and I was looking at him and then I was looking at the poker by the fire which was not a real fire but it was a real poker. I thought I could pick it up and hit him on the HEAD and he would be dead. I thought of Sleepy Eye Terry and I thought of Dads Ghost in the Terrors and he would tell me to pick up the poker and kill him but then I thought other things. I thought then everyone would know it was me and I would be taken away from Mum and I must think of another way to kill him and not after he has bought a PlayStation.
And Uncle Alan said There should be two games in the box.
And I went to the box and inside there were two games and they were called Primal Curse An Adventure of Fortune Death and Danger and Miami Speedboat 5.
And Mum came in with a glass of Pepsi for me and a glass of whisky for Uncle Alan and put them on the table still smiling out of her neck and Uncle Alan said There you go its all yours.
I put on a game and it was Primal Curse and it was a two player and I sat there with the controls and Mum said Alan will play with you wont you Alan?
And Uncle Alan said Right. Yes.
I didnt want to play with him but I wanted to beat him and his big hands on the small controls and I just sat there on the carpet and he sat on the sofa and we played the game.
Uncle Alan was a man with a sword and a shield and I was a man with a metal ball with spikes and it was on a chain and I could use the controls to swing it above my head and then let the chain go long so it hit Uncle Alans man in the head. Each time I hit him there was a noise like the man was in pain and a blood splat in the air.
Uncle Alan said Ow.
He tried to get his sword out and fight me but I didnt give him a chance and my points and my lifeline went up and his went down from green to brown to red. Uncle Alan just looked at me and I think he was scared about what Id do if I had real weapons and I didnt look at him I just kept pressing my fingers on the controls. That is when Mum came in and said It looks a bi
t violent.
But I kept going until it said Game Over.
WAYS I CAN KILL UNCLE ALAN
Hammer on his head in his sleep. But I will need a big swing and I might miss.
Knife in his neck in his sleep. But the blood might go over Mum.
Use a pillow on his face in his sleep. But he is too strong and he might escape.
Push him in the River Trent which has a strong current and it will pull him to the bottom and he will DROWN in the BROWN water with his fishing rod. But I will need a very long run up and I might fall in and he always goes fishing with Mr Fairview and SLEEPY EYE TERRY!!
Wait for him to climb up a long ladder and push the ladder. But I have never seen him go up a ladder.
POISON. You can pour poison into someones ear when they sleep and it kills them. But there are no poison shops any more. Weedkiller is poison but I dont know if you can pour it into ears.
Carrier bag over his head so he cant breathe. But he would have time to take it off and put it over my head.
The Garage is wood outside so I could set it on fire when he is the only one there. But. But. But
The Silent Partner
Later that night I was on the settee writing in my exercise book Ways I Can Kill Uncle Alan and Mr Fairview was round but not with Leah and he was talking to Mum and Uncle Alan and he looked at me and he said Not a titter out of you is there little Philip?
Uncle Alan said Hes a quiet lad.
Mr Fairview nodded and said Dont worry about being shy. You know what the Good Book says?
I looked at Mum and Uncle Alan who were talking about Mr Fairview with their eyes and I said No.
Mr Fairview said The meek shall inherit the Earth.
I said Oh.
Uncle Alan said to Mr Fairview Are you going fishing tomorrow?
I wondered if Sleepy Eye Terry was going fishing with Uncle Alan as well and I wondered if he was going to tell Uncle Alan about the park and the Stink Bomb.
Mr Fairview was going to say something but he stopped the words he was going to say and he said I I I dont know.
I looked at Mr Fairview and I didnt understand how Leah is half from him. I wondered what happens in the time between when you are a child and when you are a dad.
Uncle Alan said Its just that me and Terry are going to go down near the weir and see what its like there. Meant to be good Carp.
Mr Fairview said Im Im going to be busy on Saturday. Im helping out at the church. Im in a bit of a hurry actually Alan. I dont suppose Id be able to take those books now.
The books he was talking about werent story books or History or murder books they were blue books with a sticker saying Garage Accounts on them. Uncle Alan gave them over and scratched the back of his head and said Bit of light reading.
Mr Fairview didnt say anything about that he just said Id better get off.
Uncle Alan saw him out and came back in and shrugged his shoulders at Mum and said Hes tapped in the head.
Mum said Id better go down and help behind the bar.
Uncle Alan was shaking his head and looking at the carpet and he said God knows what he wants those books for. He never asks for them.
Mum was doing her lipstick in the mirror over the fire and without moving her mouth she said You trust him dont you?
Uncle Alan said Hes been acting weird lately. Asking weird things. Ever since I wouldnt let him get out of the new contract.
Mum said What sort of weird things?
Uncle Alan sat on the sofa and started reading the Argos book and said I dont know. Just weird things about what hours me and Terry are working. I think he thinks Im spreading my-self too thin. What with working here as well. Stuff him. Hes never shown a blind bit of interest before. Hes just taken his share and kept it zipped like Silent Partners are supposed to. I mean thats what it is. SILENT Partner.
Mum put on more lipstick and made her mouth like a fish and said Perhaps you want to keep an eye on him.
Uncle Alan looked up from the Argos book and he looked at me but to Mum he said Someone else is always doing that.
Mum undid a button on her shirt and said What?
Uncle Alan said You dont worry about the God Squad because theyve always got Him Upstairs keeping an eye out. Keeping a score card for Saint Peter. I tell you they knew what they were doing when they invented religion. Its better than CCTV.
Mum said Im going to go down and give them a hand behind the bar. You two boys can stay chinwagging.
I looked at Uncle Alan and he lifted up the Argos book and he said to me You can tell me what you want from Father Christmas.
I didnt want anything from Father Christmas because I didnt believe in Father Christmas but Mum smiled at Uncle Alan like he was being nice and not trying to buy me like I was a Slave on sale in the Forum with a wood sign round my neck saying If you buy me you can do sex with my mum all the time and take over the Pub and be my dad and not my fat red uncle and no one will ever find out you are a killer. A fat red killer.
Mum said Isnt that nice Philip? Philip? Philip? Isnt that nice? Philip?
I said Ive got to do my homework.
Uncle Alan said The Footballs on.
I said I cant.
Uncle Alan said Champions League. The highlights.
I said I cant and I took my exercise book and went to my room and Mum sent a lot of Philips after me Philip Philip Philip but I shut the door and no one opened it.
Not Uncle Alan and not Mum.
Saturday in Boots
It was Saturday morning and I had only got one month and 10 days to kill Uncle Alan if Dads Ghost was going to get out of the Terrors but I still didnt know how I was going to do it.
Dads Ghost said You need to sort it out Philip.
I said Yes.
Dads Ghost said Dont waste time.
I said No.
Mum called up the stairs Philip? Philip?
I said Yes.
She said Leahs here for you.
I looked at Dads Ghost and he was cross with me and said Get rid of her Philip.
I said But
He said I cant take it. I cant take the Terr
But he flickered out and into the Terrors so I went and saw Leah and watched T4 and played Miami Speedboat 5 on the PlayStation and Leah texted 2000 people and we went into town and she said Lets go shopping.
I thought of Dads Ghost in the Terrors and I said Ive got no money.
She said So? I havent either.
And that worried me and the worry froze my face because she laughed and said Youre funny.
We saw some girls Leah knew and I just stood there not speaking and they went Ah like I was a puppy or a baby not a year younger. Less than a year. Half a year. Why do girls have to make everything sweet? Things are just things. And the girls showed Leah stuff like hair clips and lip gloss which were in bags and some which werent.
And then we were on our own again and I saw Siraj and he was with his mum and he ignored me and then me and Leah went to the Body Shop which is a girls shop. When Leah came out we walked down the street and she said Look.
I looked and it was Peppermint Foot Scrub and she didnt pay for it and when she passed a bin she put it in.
I said Didnt you want it?
She said No.
I said Why did you take it?
And she said See if I could.
I didnt say anything and so she said You do it.
I said What?
She said Dairse you.
She twisted the red bit of her hair round her finger and she made big eyes and a face I liked and didnt like at the same time. Leah was even more scary on Saturdays than on weekdays but it was a nice kind of scary not a Dominic kind of scary.
She said All you have to do is make out youre doing something else like looking at something else then just put it in your pocket.
And I said But its stealing.
She said Youre funny.
I said What if I get caught?
She said Make yourself inv
isible.
I said What?
She said You only get caught if they see you.
I said I cant make myself invisible.
She said Yes you can. Ive seen you.
And I didnt know what she was talking about because Im not an Angelfish or a ghost that can disappear in front of you.
She said People only see you if they want to see you. Thats how people get caught.
I said What?
Her eyelashes went like butterfly wings and she said If you look like you dont want people to see you theyll see you. Thats how Jenna got caught in Superdrug.
I didnt know who Jenna was but didnt ask.
She said If you nab something youve got to act like you dont mind people looking because then they wont look.
And then she walked into Boots and I followed and tried to be invisible but I felt like everyone was watching me. Even the shampoos were watching me. I didnt know why I was going to take something but I knew I was going to take something so I looked for something small. The smallest thing I saw said Nivea Anti Ageing Eye Cream so I looked at something else Oil of Olay and I put the Eye Cream in my pocket. It wouldnt go in because my jeans were tight and Leah started laughing not an invisible laugh and then it went in my pocket and I wanted to get out but I turned round and I saw hoop earrings and Carla the Barmaid and she said All right Philip? You look like youve seen a ghost.
I said No. I havent. I was just
And I looked at the shelves but Carla ignored me and looked at Leah and smiled tired and said Hello duck.
Leah said Hi.
Carla scratched her neck and said to me Tell your mum Ive got to go to the doctors this afternoon so I might be ten minutes late.
And I said OK.
I had my hand over my pocket and then I said Bye.
She said Bye duck.
And she smiled her shrug shoulder smile pushing the air up and me and Leah watched her leave the shop. Then we started walking and we went out the doors and past the machines and they went BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP and Leah said Run.
We ran out the doors out into cold sun and down to the Precinct and I looked behind and there was a Security Guard running and shouting into a black box walkie talkie. The whole town was watching and the Security Guard was fat so we were faster and Leah said Down here.