by Matt Haig
I said What about Dad?
She said Philip please.
Uncle Alan the big blue giant came in the room and broke the thought with flying high eyebrows and he said Right lets go.
He smiled the Show Mum Smile that straightened Mums back and made her lift her chin like a cat.
And he went over and kissed her cheek and patted her bum and this was Uncle Alan saying he was the new King of the Castle.
He said Ill be back a bit late tonight.
Mum looked at me with scared eyes and the look said Uncle Alan was here for ever and she said Right OK.
I followed the big blue giant downstairs thinking I can kill him I can kill him. We went outside in the rain and he beeped the locks and I got in and hated the wet feeling in the dry car and I wished Id just walked in the rain and then Uncle Alan was there next to me moving his seat back and the rain on his face running down like tears.
He twisted his key and woke up the car and he said The thing about cars Philip theyre like people. Theyve got different personalities and this ones a grumpy old bugger who aint too perky in the mornings.
And I thought Dont try and be nice dont try and be nice.
He switched on the heater and the windscreen wipers that couldnt catch up with the rain and he looked out for traffic leaning forward and squinting. He said Youre not sure about me are you Philip?
I said What?
He said Youve got your doubts.
He pulled out on the road.
I said nothing.
He said Im not your dad Philip. I never will be.
I said nothing.
He said I just care a lot about your mum. About both of you.
Rain wipers rain wipers rain.
He said I know you want whats best for her and so do I.
Words water words water words.
He said Im not pretending its easy for you.
Dad killer Pub smasher Mum fucker.
He said Nearly there.
I said Just drop us off here.
He said I can take you to the gates.
I said Its all right.
He said Youll get drenched lad.
I said Its all right.
He said Ill take you to the gates.
I said I can get out here.
He said Its only round the blooming corner.
I said I want to get out.
He said Jesus.
He stopped the car in the road with another car behind beeping and I did my seat belt and got out and I said Bye and he said Bye like an echo and he drove off watching me and I turned the corner and there was school and I made my steps last because it was Rugby today. So I let the rain drum its tune on my coat as the others ran past me over the road to the school gates with bars like teeth ready to eat another day out of them and out of me.
100 Miles
At break it wasnt raining any more so we sat on the wet grass by the fence at the back of the field 100 miles from school. The noises of the boys playing Football were far away like birds and Leah was pulling the grass out of the ground like hair so the earth was getting browner and less green. I told her about Mum and Uncle Alan having sex and she said Thats gross.
I thought of having to kill Uncle Alan and I said Will you run away with me?
And she said Run away? Are you mental?
I said Will you?
She said Where?
I said Anywhere just somewhere nice.
And she said Where?
I tried to think of places that were nice and I thought of Sunderland which is not nice and places Ive been on holiday like Rhodes and Orlando and Majorca which are nice but abroad and too far and so I said Nottingham.
Leah stopped pulling out the grass for a second and looked at me and said Nottingham?
And I said Or Derby or Lincoln.
She said Nottingham or Derby or Lincoln?
And I said Yeah.
She said Theyre too close. What about Skegness?
But she said it like Skeg nest like Skeg was a bird and we could live in its nest and then she told me about her dads sister who ran away to New Zealand. And how one day she wants to live in New Zealand.
I said So you want to do it?
She didnt say anything for a long long time and she looked sad in her eyes the way she looks when she talks about her dad but after the long time she said No.
I said OK.
And then the bell rang quiet but not quiet enough and we walked back over the field.
Rugby
Dad went to my school when he was young because he did an exam and passed and Uncle Alan did the exam and he failed so he went to thick school and Dad went to clever school called grammar school and clever schools did Rugby and thick schools did Football.
Now our school is not a clever school or a thick school it is both but it still wants to be a clever school and make out it is posh so it still does Rugby to pretend and Rugby is the most stupid sport in the world it is more stupid than Cricket and Rounders.
I was standing on the line by the big H and I was with the other boys in the Games lesson for Rugby and I felt like a Gladiator in the Games in the Colosseum who was going to die.
Mr Rosen was our Games Teacher today and he told Jamie Western and Jordan Harper to pick teams. Jordan Harper looked at the row with his fish eyes and said Dominic and Dominic went over to his team. Then Jamie Western looked at the row with his squinty eyes and said Scott and Scott is massive and Jamies best friend so I knew hed pick him first. Jordan said Luke and that was OK because I knew Jordan wouldnt pick me because he hated me. Jamie Western was at my Primary School and I went to his house once on Beacon Hill and his mum made us Fish Fingers and we had Sunny Delight and he used to like me but now he ignores me. He said Paul and Paul went over to his team.
I looked both sides at who was left in the row and I saw Nigel Curtain in his shorts like a skirt and his Rugby top as tight as his skin tucked high in and his curly hair like a scribble and I said in my head Make Nigel last not me. And I thought maybe because I was going out with Leah I might not be last for once but Rugby was different to the rest of school and it had different rules.
Jordan and Jamie kept calling names.
Jake.
Robbo.
Siraj.
Kirk.
Pick me pick me pick me.
Jay.
Michael.
Shaun.
Make Nigel last make Nigel last.
Tyrone.
Sam.
Jules.
Me me me me me.
Liam.
Daniel.
Not Nigel not Nigel not Nigel.
Benji.
And it was only me and Nigel and Sad Sack left and Sad Sack was Andrew Kingsman who everyone called Sad Sack because he was like a sack full of sad things. And it was Jordans turn to pick and he was laughing and said to Mr Rosen Its all right Sir Western can have them.
And then everyone started laughing at me and Sad Sack and Nigel Curtain and an aeroplane went over the sky and I wanted to be in the aeroplane I didnt mind where it was going.
Mr Rosens neck got angry with Jordan and Mr Rosen said If you want to be in detention till five o clock keep acting the clown boy.
So Jordan said Sad Sa I mean Andrew.
Sad Sack went over and it was only me and Nigel left standing like the soldiers in World War One when they got shot because they didnt want to fight and I sucked air into me and tried to make me look bigger but I looked little like a full stop next to the H.
And Jamie looked at Nigel and he looked at me and then he looked at Nigel and he looked at me and it was like he was looking at the boiled potato and the boiled carrots on his plate after he had the Fish Fingers and I was the boiled carrots.
Jamie said Philip.
And I was happy for five seconds not to be Nigel Curtain and for having Leah as my girlfriend. I walked over to Jamies team and Nigel walked over to Jordans team with his skirt flap-ping and then we played Rugby. I didnt know th
e rules I just knew that if you catch the ball everyone jumps on you so you didnt want to catch the ball.
I stayed at the back of the field but Mr Rosen shouted at me Philip get in the game boy. Get in the game.
So I ran a bit and Jamie had the ball and everyone was coming at him so he turned round and he couldnt see any of his team only me so he threw it at me and it hit my face but I caught it and the ball turned me into a magnet and the whole field was coming to me.
I saw him on the field. He was behind all the running boys and I didnt move I was just a statue holding the ball looking at Dads Ghost.
And someone grabbed my legs and I was run over by about ten boys and they were all on top of me and it was black and I felt my bones squeezing.
Rugby is weird because it lets people hurt you and jump on you on the field and if they did it 30 minutes before at break theyd get told off but in Rugby you are meant to do it.
Its like how in War soldiers are told to kill other men and then they are Heroes but if they killed the same men when they were not in War they are Murderers. But they are still killing the same men who have the same dreams and who chew the same food and hum the same songs when they are happy but if it is called War it is all right because that is the rules of War.
So it is not the thing that is bad or good it is what the thing is called like in Roman times when the Emperors let people watch the Games in the Colosseum where Slaves killed each other and people cheered.
The bodies got off me and I stood up and I didnt have the ball now and Dads Ghost was still there and he said Youve got to play Philip.
I said I cant.
He said Go after the ball son.
My Dad played on the same field when he was 11 and he was good and he was in the team and I wanted to make him pleased with me because I knew he was Cross I hadnt killed Uncle Alan yet.
He said Go on.
I started running towards the ball like all the other boys and Siraj had the ball and everyone was coming at Siraj and grabbing his legs and Siraj was going Raaaaaa and trying to keep going forward.
Dads Ghost said Grab the ball Philip.
I looked at Dads Ghost and he said Take it out of his hands.
I grabbed the ball and Siraj made his hands go tighter on it but I kept pulling it and Siraj didnt care that Leah was my girlfriend and he said Philip get off you wanker.
Dads Ghost said Pull hard Philip pull hard.
I pulled hard while other boys tried to push Siraj down and the ball came slowly out of his hands like an egg out of a hen. It slipped out and it was mine and I didnt know what to do.
Dads Ghost was shouting and waving his arms like a Football Manager and helping me so I would help him Rest In Peace and escape from the Terrors. He was saying Left left.
So I ran left.
Then he said Right right.
I ran right just before Dominic Weekly could tackle me and he landed on his front on the ground and I kept on running and Dads Ghost said Watch out behind you.
I turned and saw Jordan running fast in his Reeboks with his wide fish eyes and his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth.
Dad said Run Philip run.
So I changed gear and went very fast.
Dad said Left left.
So I moved left and saw Jordans hands just miss my ankles.
Dad said Get past the line son.
So I kept running right through the H and put the ball down on the ground and got the Try and I heard Mr Rosen blow the whistle and I heard cheers in my head. Dads Ghost was nodding like he was proud of me and I kept waiting for everyone to run up and jump on me and say Nice one like they do when anyone else scores a Try but they didnt do anything but furry legs Mr Rosen smiled at me and said Where did that come from?
I said I dont know.
He said Well played Philip you should come to the practice on Thursdays after school.
And he looked at me with eyes that werent cross about the mini bus any more and his hairy hand patted my shoulder when I walked back down the field and I turned to see Dads Ghost but he was gone.
Halloween and the Ra Ra Ghosts and Sleepy Eye Terry
Mum said Philip can you get the door love?
I went downstairs still in my uniform and I opened the door and it was a skeleton and a Green Goblin.
The skeleton said Trick or Treat?
The Green Goblin said Treat or Trick?
I said I dont know.
The skeleton laughed and then the Green Goblin laughed.
The skeleton said Its us you div.
The Green Goblin said Which is which?
The skeleton said Yeah witch is witch?
I pointed to the skeleton and said Gary and then I pointed to the Green Goblin and said Ross.
The skeleton pulled off his skull mask and it was Ross with the line in his eyebrow and he said in a burp Close.
And Gary the Green Goblin said You coming out?
I said I dont know. And then I shouted Mum! Mum! Can I go out Trick or Treating with Ross and Gary?
And Mum came out of the bar drying a glass and Carla was in the Pub working so Mum said OK but no more than an hour.
Her mouth was tight like it wanted to say something else but it didnt.
When we got out of the door the coldness woke me up and I said I dont have a costume.
Gary said Put your tie round your head.
Ross the skeleton said Yeah put your tie round your head.
Gary said Tie it round.
Ross said Yeah tie it round.
I undid my tie and tied it round my head and Gary said Wicked.
We went onto London Road and walked past the posh houses and I said Why arent we knocking on anyones door?
Gary said You just get biscuits round here.
Ross said The Ra Ras dont give you money. They give you biscuits or a piece of cake. And crap biscuits not KitKats or owt.
Gary pointed to a big house on the other side of the road with three levels and tall thin windows and said We knocked on that house last year and some Ra Ra came out and gave us a banana and like a small orange. All happy like it was a tenner.
Ross said So we gave him a Trick anyway.
Gary laughed and shook his head A banana!
We went onto Winchelsea Avenue and there were smaller houses joined together with flat windows and net curtains and we knocked on the first door.
A woman answered. It was a pregnant woman rubbing her big baby bump and Ross and Gary said together Trick or Treat?
And then I said Trick or Treat?
And the woman blew heavy air out and said Not again.
The woman left her door open and went into her house and we waited on her step and Gary did a two level burp and Ross gave Gary a dead arm and said Shut up you radgey.
Gary gave Ross an even deader arm and the woman came back with her red purse looking in it and then gave us 50p each and she looked at me and my tie and said What are you meant to be?
But I didnt have the words in my head to answer.
Gary said Hes a Zorfmunger.
Ross said Yeah hes a Zorfmunger.
The woman said Whats a Zorfmunger?
Gary said Its a deadly monster.
Ross said If you look into its eyes for five seconds youre dead.
The woman said And er Zorfmungers they wear school ties round their heads?
Gary said Only the chief Zorfmungers. Theyre the worst ones.
Ross said They fry your brains.
The woman kept looking at me and said They dont say much do they.
Gary said They only speak Zorf.
Ross said Its harder than French.
The woman nodded and rubbed her baby lump and said Righto. Glad we cleared that up. Bye boys.
And Gary and Ross said Bye.
And I said Bye not in Zorf.
And then we saw two little ghosts with a man behind them walking down the street.
They werent real ghosts they were just sheets with eye holes wit
h black pen round the holes in a circle and they were Trick or Treaters with their dad and they were on the other side of the road.
And the smaller ghost said to her dad Daddy Daddy please one more.
And the dad said All right one more.
And we watched them go to a house and say Trick or Treat.
Even the dad said it.
Ross said in the posh school Ra Ra voice Daddy Daddy please one more.
Gary laughed.
But I was just thinking that my dad never went Trick or Treating with me when I was little because he was always working in the Pub. And I thought about Ross and Garys dad who Ive never seen and who Ross and Gary never see since Carla got a Divorce and stopped falling down the stairs.
And we went to the next house on our side of the road.
Gary knocked in a tune and we waited. While we waited Ross turned to me and said Pull.
I pulled his finger and he farted and then one second later the door opened.
Trick or Treat.
Trick or Treat.
Trick or Treat.
The man was in a bad mood and a tracksuit and he shut the door in our faces and so Gary got out a box from his pocket. A blue box. He took something out. It was something plastic that looked like a needle like for BCG jabs but without the needle bit.
I said Whats that?
And Ross looked at me and said Stink Bomb.
He pointed to the mans letter box and Gary pulled the needle with no needle and it clicked and went longer and then he pushed it through the letter box and Ross said Scarper!
So we ran down the street and Ross and Gary were laughing with their heads back and then we heard a door open and close behind us and then a voice said Oi you little cunts get here.
It was the tracksuit man and I looked back and the street was empty now except the man because the Ra Ra ghosts and their dad had gone. The man in the tracksuit was running after us and getting closer up the street and Ross saw a passage between the houses and he said Down here.
I looked down the passage and in the blackness I saw him. It was Dads Ghost standing at the end as we ran down to him.
He was cross with me I could see in his face and Ross and Gary ran straight through him to the wheelie bins.
Ross said Which gate?
Gary said with his shoulders I dont know.