by Emery Hale
I put most of my weight on one leg, the other hovering. I had to walk out of here so I needed to accept the discomfort – after all, suffering was good for the soul, that’s what my mother told me.
‘Go get sorted by the medics, don’t make me do this again. I don’t want to but you’re leaving me with no choice.’
Yes, I had been disobedient. I had worn a wire when I wasn’t supposed to, and for a rebellious cause. I’d wanted to act out but I knew the consequences. I deserved this.
I limped as little as I could towards the door, my hand reaching out for the handle, when I felt it again, that lightning bolt of pain. I whimpered, falling against the door, as my other hand trailed down the glass leaving a smear of blood above. How bad did I look?
‘Oh Christ,’ Ames cursed.
It was at that moment I remembered Lily was behind me, why was she strapped to a chair? Oh yes, she’d had a wire taped to her like me. Why was she all wet? Her hands were curled into fists, her whole body tense and back arched, what was she feeling, pain? No, can’t be. Her pupils were slitted, her eyes shrinking back as she stared at me, was she scared of Harkness?
‘If he tells Charlotte, we’re done for.’
‘She’ll thank us.’
Lily’s mouth opened like she was going to say something, it was funny, she looked like she was choking. My eyes flitted behind to the rest of the class, I’d forgotten their names but it didn’t matter, they all looked like statues now.
‘What are you still doing here?’ Harkness asked me.
‘Daniel, give her a minute.’
I didn’t answer him but I pulled open the door slowly, I couldn’t lose my footing now, if I fell I’d be disciplined. My pace was apparently too slow, as the harsh grip from Harkness lifted me off my feet and thrust me out into the corridor. That wasn’t the end – he shoved me down the corridor, his brutal grip not easing up as we marched forward. I kept tripping over my feet, the speed was too much, but Harkness was relentless. Once we made it to the lift he threw me against the doors, but this time I refused to cry out. I had to be strong – and besides, the coolness of the metal doors brought me some comfort.
‘Get sorted. If James sees or hears of this, believe me, Lily will take a trip down the wrong alley at a bad time of night,’ Harkness muttered into my ear.
My eyes were closed, focused on the cooling metal as I rested my cheek on the door. This was it now. This was what my life would be. I had to do this for Lily.
James was an interrogator for a living so I needed to do a good job.
If the Academy needed soldiers for the war then I would give them one. I wasn’t going to disobey anymore; Lily didn’t need to get hurt, and James didn’t need to know the real reasons for these wounds.
I didn’t remember getting in the lift, pressing the button or leaving. The first thing I registered was standing in the middle of the medical ward. It was quiet, only a few seniors lying in the beds, X-rays on the pillars. The steady beeping of a ventilator sounded, who was that? Someone should pull the plug, they’d be better off dead.
‘Are you OK?’ I heard a voice ask, male, early thirties. I hobbled around slowly to face him. Oh, it was Dr Williams. He wasn’t in scrubs which was unusual – wasn’t he a doctor here?
‘David!’
Why was he yelling? I didn’t feel ill, in fact I felt numb. The pain in my leg had disappeared and now everything was light, like I was walking through clouds, my throat closing as the air slowly dwindled.
Dr Williams rushed towards me but then everything became blurry, what was happening? I saw a figure in blue behind the doctor, but that was it. Was I becoming smaller or was he becoming taller.
Then I realised, I was falling.
* * *
Why was my bed so uncomfortable? I had just washed these sheets. The duvet was thinner than it was last night, had I kicked it off in my sleep? Why were my pillows rock hard? Why was there someone holding my hand?
I yanked away as my eyes opened – fuck that was bright, I could have sworn I shut the curtains.
‘Jess you’re fine, you’re safe,’ a voice said, but I didn’t pay it much attention as I felt a weight on my face. ‘Hey, hey, look at me babygirl, you’re OK.’
I stopped as I felt warm hands taking mine and finally realised that I was in the hospital wing. How did I end up here? Why was I in a bed? Why was my knee throbbing?
None of that mattered when I saw the man sitting at my bedside. Jamie. Why was he here? He was dressed too formally for a visit, black suit with a navy tie, he was even clean shaven and looked like he’d got a haircut to fix that usually fluffy sandy brown hair of his. Even wore that stupid sweet-smelling aftershave.
What was he doing here? He wasn’t allowed, how could he have gotten past security?
BEEP . . . BEEP . . . BEEP . . . BEEP
‘Jess I need you to breathe OK, breathe with me,’ he said, and I realised that sound was my own heart. I tried sucking in breaths as slowly as I could, watching Jamie’s chest go in and out – the oxygen mask was helping at least. ‘There ya go sweetheart, just keep breathing.’
‘What are you doing here?’ I asked, pushing myself to sit up in the bed. ‘You can’t be here.’
James stopped, his eyes fixating on me like he was reading my mind. Shit, I wasn’t supposed to say that. Now he knew something was up. What kind of an agent was I? When Harkness found out he would take me back down to the basement. James was an interrogator, I’d have to be careful.
‘I go where I like.’ James said pointedly. ‘Speaking of which, after coming into this fine establishment next thing I know, I’m being rushed here because apparently my little sister collapsed.’
‘I’m fine, and I’m not little,’ I protested.
James scoffed. ‘Fine? I swear to God, Jess have you taken a look at yourself recently?’
‘No, I’ve been busy training.’
‘Oh, is that what you’re calling it?’
What did he know exactly? I knew James had an understanding that the school used a few unsanctioned methods of discipline, but that was it. Had he found out? Had he looked through the cameras and seen something before he dropped the laptop off at my dorm?
‘James you can’t just come here unannounced, the dorm is a mess and I was busy.’
That was when my brother stood up and started to pace at the side of my bed, his expression unreadable – oh here we bloody go.
It was only then I realised I was in a small private room. Why had they put me in here? James took off his suit jacket and threw it on the chair beside me, running his hands over his face numerous times. What was James on? Nothing out of the ordinary had happened, he needed to calm down. Who cares if I got a little bloody.
‘I asked to look at your records.’ James told me. ‘According to those you were only in here last week, but I could have told you that myself, considering the bruising on your neck.’
‘I was training.’
‘Tell me, how is getting strangled and beaten part of your training? How is getting a scalpel driven into your knee or cutting your face up part of this outstanding curriculum?’ he asked, exasperated.
Fuck shit fuck. Why did they give him access to my records? I thought they were private. Harkness told me I had to keep him off the scent, but it was pretty hard to do that now he was screaming this in my face. Of course he knew it was a scalpel, James does this for a living, the bruises on my body were hard to lie my way out of, especially to him. Wait, when had I been injured with a scalpel?
‘Give me a mirror,’ I said, not bothering to answer his question.
‘A fucking mirror? You’re going to tell me what happened!’
‘Well I can’t remember, so a mirror might jog my memory,’ I snapped right back.
James cursed under his breath, then walked over to other side of the room, returning with a small hand mirror. He tossed it into my lap before resuming his annoying coping mechanism, pacing.
As soon as I saw myself in the mirror I w
ished it would shatter. The bruising around my neck had gotten worse, it was darker but showed clear finger marks; the bruising on my cheek was yellow and my lips chapped and cracking. That was when I noticed the slashes and cuts – mostly near the hairline, but a couple sliced down my chin. There was one at the left side of my forehead that was deeper than the others.
‘Why are you wearing a wire?’
‘Stop, please!’
‘Hold her down.’
‘No!’
I took a breath, my hand shaking like a leaf as I dropped the mirror. How did I forget that? How could I forget he pinned my head down to that godforsaken chair while he cut into me with a scalpel?
‘Jess you’re safe, calm down,’ I heard James say, but I shook my head as tears rose to my eyes.
‘You need to leave, you need to leave. You can’t be here,’ I told him frantically.
James came back to my bedside holding my hands tightly even though I tried to pull away, his blank glare replaced with a soft and gentle one. When he took my hands, it wasn’t with a harsh grip or to show he had power over me; the way he held me said that he cared. How could I forget that? He practically raised me.
‘Don’t worry about that, OK, you just focus on healing.’
‘No – if they find out you’re here they’ll –’
‘Jess, sweetheart, remember our sorry excuse of a mother has shares in this place – they won’t kick me out. I’m here to see you and if they want to get rid of me they’ll have to shoot me.’
That could be arranged, I wanted to tell him. Harkness would have no bother doing such a thing, it was in his nature, and it was in mine.
That was when the door opened and Dr Williams walked in, he gave a quick nod of respect to James before moving to the foot of my bed, pulling out a folder from the bottom.
‘How are you feeling?’ he asked.
‘Fine.’
‘The alarm was raised twice since you woke up, don’t give me that nonsense.’
Oh great, Dr Williams and James were on the same side then. Hold on, how was that supposed to work? I didn’t ponder on the thought much longer as I caught sight of the IV next to my bed. The fluids were clear but I felt my heart quicken – was that more of the drugs? I wasn’t due in until Friday for a check-up and I’d been taking the pills. There had to be some in my system to prove it, they didn’t need to give me any more, I was playing by the rules.
The beeping on the monitor quickened and the doctor sighed.
‘See what I mean?’ he asked. ‘Don’t worry, those are just fluids, we wanted to get as much of the drugs out of your system as possible before you woke up.’
Dr Williams moved swiftly, pointing a small flashlight in my eyes. I tried to pull away but he had a firm grip on my shoulder. Wait, get the drugs out of me? What was the man on about? I thought the whole idea was to get the pills in our system. Never mind that Jamie was sitting right there!
‘Drugs?’ I asked, feigning confusion.
‘I know everything,’ Jamie said, shaking his head. ‘I have Dr Williams here on speed dial.’
‘Everything?’
‘Everything. I just wanted to see if you would admit it yourself, which you didn’t.’
How could I deny this? If he already knew then why was he just sitting there? Jamie was the kind of guy to punch first and ask questions later, why was he so calm? Did Harkness or Duke know? If they knew I was done for.
‘We had to do the same to Grace earlier,’ Dr Williams told me, and that was when I gave him a look of genuine confusion. ‘She was acting out, yelling at Dr McKay and myself, but then it was like she wasn’t there at all. It was like she was an empty shell of a person.’
‘Which is exactly what you were when I saw you,’ Jamie said, clenching my hands just that little bit tighter. ‘You weren’t there, sweetheart, sure your eyes were open but they were empty.’
Empty, was that what I was now? That was what the drugs had done; made me a shell ready to be filled. What had happened today? The last thing I remembered was going to bed last night, I don’t even remember walking down the stairs or having breakfast. Naomi had to be safe since I’d appointed Quinn her guardian while I was gone, Grace was working here all day and Lily was . . . with me.
‘Lily?’ I asked. ‘Where is she?’
I threw the covers off and tried to get out of the bed but James grabbed my shoulders, pushing my back down.
‘Woah, take it easy.’
I kept fighting, trying to grab his wrists and push – I kicked my leg out, bending it, trying to get some grip, but then a sharp shooting pain jolted in my knee and I cried out as it fell limp on the bed. That was when James let go and I looked down to see my knee was heavily bandaged. When had that happened?
‘Jessica, do you remember how you got that injury?’ Dr Williams asked.
I tried, I really did, but there was just nothing, my mind drawing a complete blank. I couldn’t remember what kind of injury it was. All I could see right now was Harkness’ face looming over mine as he cut into my head.
‘No,’ I said slowly, taking the oxygen mask off my head, ‘I don’t remember anything.’
Dr Williams stared at me and then back down at the notes in the folder but I wasn’t focusing on that, all I could feel was the warmth of my brother’s hand on mine. The comfort and security of his touch, telling me everything was going to be OK.
Ever since I could remember he’d been there. He was the one who taught me to read and write, made sure I ate properly. Every memory I had of him was a good one, despite our arguments.
But I do remember one day distinctly, when James told me to go to my room and lock the door of whatever safe house we were staying in. Then there was a screaming match between him and our mother that went on for hours. I never understood what it was about when I was younger, but now I did: James needed a life of his own. He didn’t want to take the role of two parents.
He was one of the best people I’d ever met and that was exactly why I kept pushing him away. I was ready to lie my way out of this to keep him safe, I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him. Who I would become.
‘This is getting out of control,’ Dr Williams said. ‘How can they expect our medical students to work efficiently if they lack compassion? Then there’s you, a solider, but surely empathy would come into it?’
‘Do you know they’re going to put a new drug through the water system?’ I asked bluntly.
Dr Williams reeled back, as if I’d struck him.
‘What? Who signed off on that?’
‘Lennox,’ I said.
‘Who’s that?’ Jamie asked.
‘The resident psychologist,’ Dr Williams answered. ‘You know she came in here the other day saying something about a new drug. Told us we were to administer it, we refused, and then she went off on one.’ He shook his head. ‘After seeing the effects of the ones you’ve been on, I don’t see why they need another.’
‘But you have seniors, surely they’ve displayed similar symptoms?’ Jamie let go of my hands, taking out his phone.
‘What year are you, Jessica?’
‘Third.’
‘Ah, yes the newer batches get tested on the third years then filtered down. Fourth and fifth are still on the old ones.’
This was ridiculous – the medics refused to administer them so the next best thing was to shove them through the water system. Even in a diluted form this new drug could do anything and we would be none the wiser.
‘What are they doing this all for?’ my brother asked, looking up from the phone that he appeared to be taking notes on.
Before Dr Williams could respond I answered, ‘Compliance. They want soldiers for the war, ones that won’t object to any task, no matter how cruel. No one would have to worry about corruption.’
I hated that I’d been a part of this. I had sworn I’d be strong and fight against anything or anyone, but I was controlled by Harkness like a marionette. I didn’t want to be, but wouldn’t it
be better for everyone? Grace was right, what use was rebelling if there was no world to rebel against? Maybe if I couldn’t remember carrying out missions then I could go on as normal. If I couldn’t remember it, then it didn’t happen.
‘James, if you don’t leave I will call for you to be removed,’ I stated coldly.
‘Excuse me?’
‘You can’t be here, the visit wasn’t scheduled, you know the rules as well as I do.’
I couldn’t afford to lose him, of course I wanted him to stay. I wanted Jamie to stay by my side, but if Harkness had his way I would never see him again. My brother was all I had left and I’d be damned if I played a part in his death.
James stopped cold before he spoke. ‘Yes, and I know as well as you do that if they ask you to sleep with a man to get information you will do so without question. I know that if you took those pills and Harkness asked you to shoot Lily or Grace you would. I know that if you continue down this path you will no longer be my sister, just an empty shell of the woman you could have been.’
‘James,’ I tried, but he spoke again before I could say anything.
‘No, don’t sit there and pretend you’re in control of this situation, because you’re not. I know what they’re planning, and if you follow their orders you will not survive.’
‘My purpose isn’t to survive, it’s to get the job done!’
Dr Williams coughed awkwardly and I tried to calm my shaking limbs: James had no right barging in and telling me what to do. This was my life, my decision, I chose to do this. Ever since I was young all I’d ever wanted was to be on the stage, but I had duties and expectations, no matter the cost to myself. If I could save innocents then any suffering I endured would be worth it.
As I thought over my brother’s words, one thing stuck out to me the most. I couldn’t remember most of the day. Sure I was lifeless without that spark, but part of me already knew it died out a long time ago. Wasn’t I too far gone by now? Wasn’t it too late to stop this?
I expected Jamie to leave: he never liked it when we fought, so naturally he would storm out, cool off and then go back to work after a quick apology and an espresso. I turned away from him and looked out of the window: there were thin blinds but I could tell the back of the school grounds from a mile away. It looked like a group was heading out there now.