For the Good Times

by David Keenan

  Easy, easy, The Dark Destroller says. Cool it, man. We all need to calm down. This is what they want. This is how they intend to divide us. I loved Tommy, I says to them, I fucking loved that guy. There were no secrets between us. Jimmy The Grunt gives out a low fucking grunt in response. I stand up and I look round the table at the lot of them, then I walk out of there without a word.

  *

  Tinned soup,

  that’s another one,

  there’s something so sad about the smell of

  tinned soup.

  *

  Nothing was the same, though. The midnight calls had stopped. I wasn’t going down The Shamrock as much. It was almost like being in the jail, like a dry run for the future, only more boring. I would sit there, Moira would be asleep in bed, and I would find myself sitting on the stair where I used to listen to the echoes on the other end of the line, sitting there on the stair and watching the shadows pass by in the street outside and listening, to nothing anymore, to the sound of my own thoughts, to the dial tone, at the end of the line.

  *

  Neutrino and The Anomaly enter The Dead Zone: The Place Of Endless Echoes.

  All around them, stacked in glass coffins as high as the eye can see, are the bodies of The Vanquished. What is this place?

  This is The Dead Zone: The Place Of Endless Echoes.

  Look! Neutrino cries. It’s Zorador The Invincible!

  They approach a glass coffin wherein a helmeted bare-chested warrior stands with a lightning rod at his side.

  So, The Anomaly says. He too is now one with The Vanquished.

  This is The Dead Zone: The Place Of Endless Echoes.

  Look! Neutrino cries. It’s Xerodus!

  They approach a glass coffin wherein a man-machine in full body armour stands with a ferocious black beast on the end of a chain.

  All around them, stacked in glass coffins as high as the eye can see, are the bodies of The Vanquished. Look! Neutrino cries. Our old foe Metamorph!

  Metamorph stands before them, encased in glass, a blaster in each of his eight hands.

  So, The Anomaly says. He too is now one with The Vanquished.

  I’m sorry, Neutrino says, as they approach a glass coffin wherein a man and woman are fixed holding hands.

  It is my mother and father, The Anomaly says.

  This is The Dead Zone: The Place Of Endless Echoes.

  Is there no end to The Vanquished? Neutrino cries.

  At that there is a sound. A slithering sound.

  In the distance, at the vanishing point, three stars can be seen.

  The stars approach.

  Beneath them walks The X-Ray Kid. On his head he wears The Hood of The Snake, what is Miracle.

  So, The Anomaly says. He too is now one with The Vanquished.

  Behind The X-Ray Kid the body of the snake runs to the vanishing point.

  The three stars descend and become as men: The Sons Of Men.

  You should not have come here, they warn Neutrino and The Anomaly, in a voice like fire unsound. This is no realm for mortal men.

  The X-Ray Kid remains silent. The snake upon his head lets out a hiss.

  We followed our brother, who betrayed us, Neutrino says.

  That was no betrayal, the stars say, in a voice like cold fire. The X-Ray Kid’s quest for The Singularity and his overthrowing of The Tower hastened his arrival in The Dead Zone: The Place Of Endless Echoes. He meant for you to remain on the other side. His mission must be completed alone.

  Ye cold stars! Neutrino cries. How can you stand silent sentinel over this abomination? This obscene parade of The Dead?

  This is The Dead Zone they reply, in a voice like silent thunder, The Place Of Endless Echoes.

  We have scaled Heaven’s Gates to bring our brother back home, The Anomaly announces. And to free him from the mesmerism of The Black Serpent!

  You can no more free him from The Black Serpent and have him live than you can cut the worm from his beating heart, The Sons Of Men reply, in a voice like frozen flames.

  Try and stop me! The Anomaly counters and he draws his flaming sword.

  But The X-Ray Kid lets off a blast from his eyes and The Anomaly and Neutrino are knocked to the ground, their very bones illuminated by its rays.

  Neutrino clambers to his feet and attempts to rush The Sons Of Men but an invisible force field bars his way.

  You may no more bring The Dead back to life than you may rewrite your own past, The Sons Of Men cry, in a voice like a far-off storm.

  Then damn the stars! The Anomaly bursts as he launches his flaming sword though the air and watches helplessly as it rebounds and falls to the ground.

  Just because we are written in the sky, The Sons Of Men sing in unison, does not mean that we too are not written.

  These stars speak in riddles! Neutrino says.

  The snake is old, The Sons Of Men sing in a voice of uncanny unison. Two thousand year. And his eyes are cold.

  The X-Ray Kid steps silently forward and holds his hand up to the invisible force field.

  One after the other Neutrino and The Anomaly press their hands to the other side.

  Our ancestors spoke of a snake, Neutrino says. And of a Great Return. Tell me, stars, will there be a Return?

  The Sons Of Men raise their arms toward the bodies stacked in glass coffins as high as the eye can see. The Sons Of Men raise their arms to the bodies of The Vanquished.

  This is The Dead Zone, they say, in a voice like soft wet tears, The Place Of Endless Echoes.

  Next time: The Betrayal Of The Gods!

  *

  I give Patricia a bell and I take her out to dinner. We barely know each other, I says to her, it was all about Tommy, wasn’t it? It was all about Tommy, she says. It’s not the same without him, she says to me. Aye, Tommy had the gift of the gab, I says to her. It was more than that, she says. Tommy was the love of my life, she says to me.

  Did you know he bought a new pair of trousers? she says. Sure, Tommy was always buying the trousers, I says to her, he loved his new trousers, so he did. No, but he went into town that morning, she says to me. He wasn’t feeling good and you know all about his heart, his weak heart. Tommy’s heart was never weak, I says to her. I don’t care if he had a pacemaker. That was a rebel heart he had.

  Aye, he was some man, she says to me. But the point is he got up that morning and he says, I’m away into town to get a new pair of decent trousers. That’s what he says. I says to him, what for, you’ve got plenty of trousers in that wardrobe of yours, and he says to me: I wouldn’t want to be buried in an old pair of slacks. That’s Como talking, I says to her. That’s Como right there.

  I light a fag for her and I pass it over. We never made it to New York City, she says to me, taking a long draw, we never made it there, in the end, she says. That’s where I saw us, she says to me. That’s where I always imagined we’d end up. With Tommy on Broadway, she says, and she laughs. Then she brings up The Quiet Man. Do you mind The Quiet Man? she says to me. Of course I mind it, I says to her, how could I forget it, that was Tommy’s favourite movie of all time, along with Where Eagles Dare.

  I got so sick of seeing The Quiet Man, Patricia says. Every time it was on he was dragging me there to see it. Now I’ll never be able to watch it again.

  Remember, I says to her, remember when Como had his Christmas special and he has John Wayne on there? They were singing the Christmas carols together, Patricia says, and Tommy’s stood up in front of the TV, singing along. Mind that? I says to her. The three of them together? That was special, that was, she says. It should’ve been Tommy, I says to her. I don’t even know what I was trying to say, but she understood me anyway. I know, she says to me. It should have been him, not us. We’re no match for them, she says. It was a different world. When? I says to her. When was it a different world? Yesterday, she says. Every day till now, she says. When John Wayne was alive, she says. And we both sat there in silence with the traffic going by on Adelaide Street and
the windows steamed up. John Wayne’s looking for Tommy in heaven as we speak, she says, and once Como gets up there, he’s going to find that Tommy has stolen his thunder. We laughed a bit. Patricia cried a little. I didn’t have the nerve to tell her that Tommy was already up there, singing. Listen, I says to her. I’ll see you right. I’ll look after you. I’ll make sure nothing happens to you. No, she says, no, I’m alright. I could never have another man after my Tommy. But thanks all the same, she says. I phone her a taxi and I kiss her on the cheek and I get a last smell of that perfume and then I never see her again, except for once, and that wasn’t in real life, but wait till I tell you.

  *

  They called it the Daddy’s Little Girl Tour and there was another picture of your man Del Brogan on the poster with his mortified daughter in a headlock. Cunt’s raking it in, Barney says to me. His shows are selling out. Cunt’s big news. He’s playing this wee place in Donegal and we decide to go and pay him a visit, though really it was a holiday for me and Barney and we took Moira and Wee Robin with us cause they were best pals by this point but we never told your man Del Brogan we were going, cause we thought we would just shop up, sit there in the front row and scare the living shite out him. He knew I had my suspicions about him and I’d say it to his fucking face, cause I’m not scared.

  We drive down there in the van. The Mickey Mouse van. That was hard. Looking at that fucking cartoon mouse on the side was too much like gazing into Tommy’s soul. Why did he love that mouse so much? I wanted to take it off. We should get rid of it, I says to Barney, it just brings up Tommy again and again. Over my dead body, Barney says to me. Tommy’s memory is in that mouse. That’d be sacrilege. Besides, he says, you were the one what said it kept us invisible.

  And it was true. Everywhere we went, the presence of this badly drawn Mickey Mouse immediately discounted us from being any kind of threat whatsoever. After that they never gave us a second look.

  *

  We stayed in a wee caravan park on the estuary. There was a wee social on site with the live music and the chanting and me and Barney got up and did a few numbers, a few Como numbers. Barney was still doing that warbling, mind you. He murdered ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon’ all over again. There’s a fancy dress ball on the Saturday night with prizes for the best costumes. We’re bollocksed for that, I says to them, if only we knew I’d have fucking rubbed some green dye on myself and ripped my shirt and gone as the Incredible Hulk. I wouldn’t mind shagging the Incredible Hulk, Moira says. You think he’s got a green cock? Sure, he’s green all over, Wee Robin says. You can’t have The Hulk with a green body and this fucking pale fleshy cock between his legs. Right enough, Moira says. You can’t have The Hulk looking weird. This guy is a fucking green giant that mutates through pure rage, she says. His cock could be any colour. A fucking green giant that mutates through pure rage? Barney says. That’s fucking Samuel you’re talking about. Pity his cock couldn’t mutate as well, though, he says. That’s just an angry wee inch, or so I’m told.

  The pints of green are flowing. Sammy’s got a big cock, Moira says to them. I do, son, actually. That’s enough, Barney says, for fuck sake, now I’m sitting here picturing this cunt’s big green cock. Listen, Wee Robin says to us. Me and Barney have got a surprise for youse. Ah fuck, I says to myself, he’s not gone and married this bitch, has he? But then she says, come back to the van with us for a minute, we’ve got some presents for youse. We go back to the van and hanging there on the wall are these outfits. We made costumes for youse for the fancy dress, Wee Robin says to us. We made your costume from The Forever Family, she says to me. We made you The Anomaly’s outfit. And it looks cool as fuck, actually, with the black PVC leggings and a black shield with a black-on-black ‘A’ on the chest, a helmet with a half-visor and this dark-blue floor-length cloak. I’m supposed to fucking wear this thing? I says to them. But really I couldn’t fucking wait. Go on, you daft cunt, Barney says to me, it’ll be some laugh, so it will. Besides, Moira says, I’d rather fuck The Anomaly than The Incredible Hulk. Maybe he’s got a big black cock. Moira, we made you a superhero too, hen, Wee Robin says to her. You’re Alphagirl. She hands Moira this sexy wee number with the black PVC and a boob tube with a Zorro mask. What are you two going as? I says to them. He’s Neutrino, obviously, Wee Robin says. I made him the full suit of body armour. But Neutrino doesn’t have a partner, she says to me. He’s a man alone, trapped inside his body armour and living in a world of pain. Sounds like Barney, I says to her. So I’m just going as Robin, she says. Batman’s Robin. Does this mean Robin has joined The Forever Family? Barney says to her. Looks like a whole new line-up, she says, and she winks.

  *

  We get to the social and it’s clear we’ve got some serious competition; the place is heaving with your top superheroes. It’s the most popular masquerade in the country, Wee Robin says. Youse two fucking tricked me, I says to Barney. This is a fucking comics convention you’ve brought us to.

  Barney just shrugs, and he says, it’s only a masquerade. That’s what he says, it’s only a comic book masquerade.

  They’re queued off the stage and down the side of the room; till Hawkgirl come in, till Superman and The Flash come in, till Hourman, till The Green Lantern, till Black Terror, till Speedboy and NoMan come in, till Dagar the Invincible, till The Raven!, till The Unknown Soldier and Captain Ireland, till The Sub-Mariner come in, till The Human Torch, till Wonder Woman, till The Thing, till Vampirella and Spitfire come in, and the heroes file onstage, one by one, and they’re playing ‘We Are the Champions’ by Queen (it’s a classic, come on, it’s a fucking classic) and everybody in the audience is singing along. Superman is bound in fake chains that he snaps in an almighty show of force. Green Lantern zaps a guy dressed in a gorilla costume. Wonder Woman lassoes a chair and drags it across the stage. The Sub-Mariner does a slow-motion walk, like he’s walking on the bottom of the sea. The Human Torch has strips of bright-orange paper hanging from him that trail like flames as he runs. Speedboy is a blur as he leaps from the stage and makes a quick circuit of the hall. The Unknown Soldier peels his face off, it’s only just a plastic mask and underneath, a dark, black void. And now it’s our turn.

  Wee Robin picks up the mic and she starts to read. Holy Blank Cartridge, she says. Holy Rats In A Trap! Holy Bowler! Holy Explosion. Holy Escape Hatch! Holy Missing Relatives. Holy Time Bomb.

  Holy Waste Of Energy! She’s doing Robin from the TV show and everyone is cheering. Holy Nightmare! she says. Holy Shamrocks! Holy Gunpowder! Holy Fireworks! Holy Hallelujah! Holy Holy! Holy Holy! And Barney’s up next.

  He clanks onstage in the full body armour and makes a signal for the microphone. Then he says to the host, this scrawny wee kid in specs and a pair of Spider-Man pyjamas, go ahead and punch me. Swing for me, Barney says to him. Give us your best shot. Punch me as hard as you like, he says to this goofy little kid. I’m Neutrino, he says, and I can take a fucking punch. I’m Neutrino, he says to him, and I’m not fucking scared, and the kid spreads his legs to steady himself, he holds his hands up in the air like a champion, and then he swings for him, and drives his fist straight into Neutrino’s body armour, which crumples beneath his knuckles. There’s a moment of silence, with Neutrino standing there, bent double, and then he turns to the crowd. I didn’t feel a fucking thing, Neutrino says, and the crowd goes fucking wild.

  *

  The next night we go to see your man Del Brogan sing at a church hall, in Donegal, and they have a comedian as the warm-up act, who was quite good, actually, all except for some stupid joke about dead babies. I take a look around the audience. Your man Del Brogan is doing well with the middle-aged women, there’s some crackers in here, no debate. We go outside for a smoke at the intermission and Jimmy The Grunt’s out there selling the merchandise. Fuck me, Barney says, some sales patter they’re gonna get from this cunt. Alright, Jimmy, I says to him, and he gives me a grunt. How are sales going? I says to him. He grunts and he nods. Going well, eh? I says. Another grunt
; this guy’s fucking chronic. The whole time he’s got a cigarette stuck between his lips and the ash is falling all over the records. None of Tommy’s class whatsoever. He would have sold the lot by now.

  Your man Del Brogan comes onstage, starts off with an Elton John number, ‘Someone Saved My Life Tonight’. It’s not on the album. Tommy would have advised him against it. Then he’s into the Rod Stewart tunes. Barney starts with the booing. Cut it out, Wee Robin says to him, you’re ruining it for everybody else. Give us some Como, Barney shouts, and you can see that your man Del Brogan has spotted us in the audience. We’ve got a few old-timers in here the night, your man Del Brogan says, so as we’ll take a trip down memory lane for the pensioners; cheeky bastard. Then he sings ‘Make Love to Life’, the song that Tommy sang to us from heaven. And now I’m starting to feel a bit funny. Now I’m starting to see the snake.

  There’s a noise like a slithering noise and a noise like the noise of tearing flesh. I look around myself but nobody else is reacting. There’s a movement from the back of the stage. A black shadow, rising up. I’m watching this great fucking snake come in, slithering from behind the stage, and raising itself up. Now the fucking thing is crawling up your man Del Brogan’s back and hanging its hooded face down over his head. Barney, I says to him, is it just me, or is your man Del Brogan wearing a giant fucking snake? He’s a fucking snake bastard, Barney says. I’ll tell you that much.

  He wears the snake as miracle.

  I need to get some air. Excuse me a minute, I says. I go out through the lobby, and I walk past Jimmy The Grunt who is sitting there at the merchandise table with that fag in his mouth. I make for the men’s toilets. I can feel this cold sweat coming over me. My heart is beating out my chest. I stare at myself in the mirror. I’m getting Tommy’s heart, I’ve inherited Tommy’s bad heart, in the mirror. And now there’s something on the floor. Something is moving toward me across the floor. I can’t look round. I’m frozen to the spot. Then I feel its cold touch on my leg. Wrapping itself around my leg and moving up. Its cold muscle. Its coils around my waist and its run up my spine and I get the most feelings, the most feelings, like I could ejaculate and faint at the same time only to come, only to come, right through the middle of my forehead, stroking my spine and making my brain come.