Nate

by Tijan

  I couldn’t hope, but I loved him.

  I knew I loved him.

  I knew he didn’t love me back.

  Having all that said, I told him.

  “I need you.”

  His eyelids shuttered, then he gave me a nod, and he climbed into bed with me.

  52

  Nate

  The nurses came in to do their checks, but for the most part, Quincey slept in my arms the rest of the day and evening. Aspen called later that evening, and I didn’t think about it. I hit the speaker button and put the phone between Q and me.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey. How’s Quincey doing?”

  Quincey gave me a tired grin, but she didn’t lift her head from my chest.

  I answered for her, “She’s tired. In pain.”

  Quincey closed her eyes, her head folding and burrowing into me. I just wrapped my arm tighter around her, then falling to rub up and down the side of her back. Her whole body let out a release of air.

  “I bet. I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault, Asp.”

  “I know. I still feel it, though. But the reason I called: we got everything sorted.”

  “Who’s we?” Quincey asked, her voice so drowsy I felt it seeping into my bones.

  “Oh. Hey, Quincey. Did you hear me before?”

  “I did. Thank you.”

  “She’s in pain, Aspen. She’s going to save her energy.”

  “Her voice, too. I saw that tube come out. I still have nightmares from seeing—anyway, I need to fill you in. So, I’m hoping you both are okay with this, but I got to the house. I filled Emily in on everything, and I was ready and willing to stay here, take care of Nova. Emily was planning on spending the night, too, just in case.”

  Quincey was tensing in my arms.

  So was I. “What changed?”

  “Well. The calls started, and when I’m saying ‘the calls,’ I’m meaning a ton of calls. Quincey, your mom was the first. Then your brother. Your sister. They were all worried about you and wanted to come and see you. I told them to hang tight because you needed your rest. I also told them Nate would be there anyway. After that, it was a Patrice lady. A Matthew. Ricci. Then, Nate, it was our people. Logan. Mason. Matteo. The girls all called, too, wanting to check in themselves. Taylor. Samantha. Heather. Channing, too. Then I found out that they’d all talked to each other. They talked to Quincey’s brother, and well, they’re all coming to town.”

  Quincey frowned.

  “What?”

  “Yeah. And I’m at your mom’s house. Quincey, is that okay? Stephanie said she used to take care of Nova for Valerie, and it’d be okay if she was here for the night. Tomorrow night, too, if Nate is going to stay again. I’m assuming he will because I know my brother, but I wanted to run this all by you guys.”

  I glanced at Quincey.

  She nodded.

  I spoke for her, my thumb running back and forth over her back. “She’s fine with that. Emily knows Nova’s schedule. Did she help with that? Stephanie wouldn’t know her current schedule.”

  “Yep. That’s all been settled. Emily is here with us, but she’s going to be leaving in a bit. We both wanted to wait and make sure that was all fine with you guys. If it is, I’ll take care of Nova with Stephanie. Emily was going to be at your place to meet the first arrivals. They’re all planning on staying at your house. I have no problem bunking at your mom’s, Quincey. I kinda like your mom’s house, to be honest. It’s old and big, but it’s cozy. Not that your house isn’t, Nate, but I don’t know. I can feel ‘grandma’ here, and it’s lovely.”

  Lovely. I grinned. My sister was becoming an adult.

  “That’s fine with me,” Quincey said, her voice a little hoarse. “Thank you for doing all of that.”

  “Of course. It’s the least I could do. Oh, Nate. Blaise wants to do a Skype call with you later. He asked how the jar cleaning is coming.”

  I closed my eyes, feeling Quincey’s gaze.

  “It’s going just fine, thank you. I’ll call him later.”

  “Okay.” Aspen laughed.

  I could tell she was going to sign off. “Aspen?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Call Mason and Matteo. I know them, and I love both, but they don’t need to fly in for a visit. Neither have time with their schedule right now.”

  “I did, and they both told me to tell you to stick it where it doesn’t shine. Mason said he has a bye week, and Matteo said the flight back and forth is short. Considering Matteo’s size, I’d just agree with him. He told me he’d sit on you the next time he saw you if you tried to tell him not to come.”

  I chuckled. They were being tame because my sister was the middle-woman.

  “I feel bad.”

  I tensed, hearing Quincey.

  She was saying into the phone, “They already took time out for the baby shower. They don’t have to come for this.”

  This.

  She was referring to herself as “this.” As her getting hit by a car was a “this.”

  I wasn’t down for that. I was really not down for that.

  She kept on, “I’ll be fine, but wait. They’re coming for you.”

  I just kept frowning at her.

  She noticed. “What?”

  “They’re coming for you. You were hit by a car. They tubed you because they were worried about a head injury. Are you kidding me?” I was just getting started. “And stop saying “this.” You aren’t a this. You’re a goddamn person. Jesus Christ. They’re coming because we’re all family. You’re included in that, Q. Do you not get that?”

  “Nate,” said Aspen.

  I sat up, my frown just getting sharper. “This. Fuck “this.” You’re not a this.”

  Her eyes widened, then teared up until she stopped them. I didn’t know what she did or how she did it because they were there. They were about to spill, but a second later, they were gone. Her eyes were blazing, an inferno in there, but she masked that, too.

  “Your friends are not coming here for me. They don’t know me.”

  “They don’t need to know you. They know you’re important to me, and you got hit by a car.” My voice was shaking. I was so furious. My hands, too.

  I needed to walk.

  I needed to get this out of me, or I’d lose it, and I’d say shit that wouldn’t be conducive to either of us.

  Shoving off the bed, I called to Aspen, “I gotta walk, A. I’ll be back.”

  * * *

  QUINCEY

  This was the beginning of the end.

  I felt it in my gut.

  Nate’s sister signed off, sounding awkward, but that was on me, too. She was so sweet, so pure, and I’d made this awkward, all sorts of awkward.

  It was me.

  This was the time when Nate would learn I wasn’t worth it. Because they always did.

  One by one, people had that realization, and they stopped reaching out. They stopped trying. It’d be Duke and me like it’d always been. I felt cursed, and I was kidding myself by thinking I could break free.

  No.

  I was being irrational.

  I was on meds. I was banged up and hurting in a hospital bed.

  I went and got hit, and now I was here. I’d need time before I was fully healed. Who knew what battle Duke would pull because it was a matter of time before he’d bring that motion forward, claiming I’d been trying to hurt myself.

  With my history, a court would probably believe him.

  It wouldn’t matter in the end. My father didn’t know that I had signed away any chance I had to contest Nate for Nova. Maybe this was for the best?

  Nate was upset with me, and with Duke circling, it’d just get worse.

  It always got worse.

  A part of me knew I wasn’t thinking rationally, but I mean, hello. I got hit by a car. My father was going to say I did it deliberately, and would Nate believe him? I hadn’t been able to bring myself to warn him because I didn’t want to see the m
oment he might consider it. Because there’d have to be that moment. One moment.

  A hesitation to wonder if she would? Was she like that?

  Did I have to worry about her doing that now?

  Then that might spring to the question of: should Nova be around her?

  That sliced me the most, digging deeper than all the others.

  I was being irrational.

  I needed to stop these thoughts. Nothing good would come out of it.

  I loved Nova. I loved Nate. No. I wouldn’t walk, and I was too selfish to stop loving Nate. I couldn’t. I’d never be able to make myself hate him. So… what then?

  You’re a mother now, Quince.

  I closed my eyes, hearing Valerie in my head.

  Why did you leave Nova to me? Why not Graham? Calihan?

  Because you were supposed to have her. She’s yours, Quince. Yours and Nate’s.

  It had to be you.

  But why? I don’t understand. Why me?

  You’ll understand when you’re supposed to.

  It’s something I always knew, deep down.

  That made me pause.

  Was I actually talking to my dead sister?

  I must’ve hit my head harder than I thought. I mean, they were worried about a head injury.

  I couldn’t help myself. One last thought.

  Will I be a good enough mother?

  You’ll be the best mother.

  It’s the second reason I chose you.

  I hoped she was right.

  If she wasn’t, then I’d just blame my head injury.

  53

  Nate

  It was three days later when they were letting Quincey come home. Thank the fucking God.

  This was all a new experience in some ways and way too familiar in others. The hospital. Car accident. Those things had happened so much to the people I loved and me, so it was an old hat. But when that happened to your little girl’s new mom and your partner—it was terrifyingly new.

  And I hated it.

  Felt fucking exposed every day Quincey wasn’t here, home, next to me.

  I raked a hand over my face and sighed, sitting back in my office chair. I’d been trying to get shit organized, and my meetings for the next week dealt with or postponed, but my mind was racing. I felt like I was scrambling, trying to catch up, and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

  I didn’t know what all I was even catching up to also. It was like a foreign entity, one that I couldn’t quite grasp or understand, and it kept slipping out of my hands. I was paralyzed with fear, thinking I wouldn’t be able to grab it in time, only to watch it slip away once again.

  Fuck if I understood what was going on with me.

  A soft knock sounded on my door, and I looked up.

  Mason was there. He lifted his head in a nod to me. “Mind if I come in?”

  I expelled a ragged breath, my hand falling to my desk, and I nodded at the same time I moved my seat back. “Yeah. Please.” I stood as he came in, shutting the door.

  I went over to the liquor cabinet. “Want something?”

  “Whatever you’re having.”

  I pulled out two glasses and poured brandy into both. Handing him one, I returned back to my desk and wheeled my chair sideways. I wasn’t facing him. I was facing the wall, but I glanced over. It didn’t feel right to sit facing him for some reason. This way was more of a camaraderie feel to it.

  Fuck if I understood that, either.

  Mason sipped his drink, his eyes narrowing on me. He leaned back in his chair, getting comfortable. “How are you?”

  A short laugh burst from me. “You want the real version? The Logan version? Or the PG version?”

  “I want the Nate version.”

  Right. I just sighed, again. “I feel like I’m trying to paddle somewhere without a paddle, and if I don’t get there, I’m going to lose something so precious that I’ll never get it again. Ever.”

  Mason’s eyebrows rose. “I have no clue how to respond to that.”

  I shook my head. “Neither do I. I love her, and I don’t think I’ve loved anyone before because I’ve never felt this before. My sister, yes. You guys, yes. I love my parents, but we’re just not close, and that’s cool with me. But, man. Mase. With Nova and Quincey? I’ve never felt this before. They’re everything to me.”

  He grunted. “Been there. Am there. I get it.”

  “Fuck. Fuck, man.”

  He tossed the rest of his brandy back, setting the glass on my desk as he hissed slightly. “Forgot that’s a sipper.”

  I grinned, then tossed the rest of my drink down, too.

  Yeah.

  Sipper. I felt the burn, and today, it felt good.

  I stood, grabbing the brandy bottle, and brought it back over. I poured both of us a second glass and leaned back. I held my glass up. “Cheers to falling in love and not knowing a goddamn thing what to do about it.”

  Mason laughed but raised his glass up for a cheer.

  We both sipped. We both hissed.

  I eyed him, setting my glass back down. “It’s been nice having you here for a few days.”

  “It was good timing. Sucks for what happened, but worked with my schedule. We’re heading back tomorrow. I need to get back in, but it’s been easier since I can watch the game tapes here.”

  “Obliged.”

  We sat in silence for a bit, and it felt right. It always felt right with my family, but Mason especially.

  He leaned forward after a minute, setting his glass on the desk. A serious look came over him, and he looked down before looking back up. “Listen.” He sounded serious, too.

  I straightened, rotating to face him more fully.

  “At the risk of not wanting to jinx anything, I want to thank you for letting Logan and me help you. With Duke. Before.”

  Mason glanced away.

  It hit me then.

  Mason was nervous.

  I didn’t think I’d ever seen my best friend nervous.

  I was humbled it was because of me.

  “Dude.”

  He looked up.

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  He started to grin but went sober again. “All that shit that happened when we were kids, when you came back and just how we all were… You were going through shit, but I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry.”

  I waved it off. “Listen. I was pissed at my parents. They shipped me off, and when you’re in high school, your friends are everything. I’m older, hopefully wiser, and I don’t agree with what my parents did, but it is what it is. When I got close to Aspen again, I worked through a lot of my anger at my mom and dad, letting them have it on a daily for a long while. The way I see it, parents are parents. You get what you get, and at some point, you have to accept who they are. But back then, I was angry and shut down. I was messed up, and then losing Owen put me in a whole other tailspin. I didn’t reach out, and you did come to me a few times. I shut you down, and that’s on me. It all worked out how it was supposed to work out. You love me. I know this. I love you. You know this. Same with every person in our group. It’s done, but you coming out and saying that? I appreciate it. Deep. I love you.”

  He nodded, his eyes shining a bit. Seeing Mason like that was another first for me.

  It humbled me because damn. Mason liked his kids, his wife, his brother, myself, and Channing, and that was about it. He had a fondness for a few others, and he tolerated everyone else, but even he had mellowed over the years. We were all just growing up.

  I hoped that I’d still be growing up when I was in my eighties.

  “So.” He picked up his glass, lounging back again. “You love her, huh?”

  Oh, boy.

  “Yeah. I love her.”

  “Have you told her that?”

  I shot him a look. So Mason. So wise. A dumbass, just like Logan at times.

  He smiled back.

  I rolled my eyes. “I will.”

  “I have learned that the l
onger you take to say the important shit, the harder it gets to say.”

  Yeah.

  I seriously loved my family, but yeah.

  I needed to tell Quincey.

  54

  Quincey

  I made a call.

  They were letting me go home today. I was cleared to resume my daily life, and I was hella missing Nova and Nate. Not that I hadn’t seen them. Nate brought Nova to see me the second day, and she had crawled all over me, playing with a new stuffed dragon that she got from Auntie Aspen. She named him Doug, and Nate said that now Miss Penguin and Doug were the new fixtures in Nova’s arms.

  I loved it.

  The phone calls happened on my second day.

  Miss Patrice called. Matthew called. I got another phone number from him, one that I was going to reach out to later on.

  Then in the early afternoon, the visitors started.

  Graham and Britney came to visit. My mother and Guy came later. Nate came back in the evening. Aspen was with him. Taylor, too. Ricci. No Calihan, but I was okay with that. Cal was… complicated. I understood complicated. That had been me, and that brought me to the call I made.

  I thought long and hard, but I needed to do it.

  “Are you sure you want to risk this?”

  The question came from Carl Mallone, my dad’s last PI, and I say the last because Duke fired him. When I called Carl, he explained that Duke wanted him to do surveillance on Nate and me.

  Carl refused. Carl got fired.

  A new PI was hired, but Carl assured me the second PI wasn’t good.

  “All honesty, he’ll probably photoshop something if he can’t find anything and charge your dad double. Your dad will realize he’s been scammed and will fire him. I wouldn’t worry about the newest PI.”

  I wasn’t worried, and maybe I should’ve been, but I wasn’t. Not about any current dirt my father was looking to unearth. I was worried he’d get someone to believe his accusation that I stepped in front of that car on purpose, and that would gut me. I didn’t do that, and I didn’t want Nova to grow up thinking I had done that. So, to end that all, I made the call to Carl.