Heartless

by Kate Rudolph

  She waited for him to do something, but realized he was waiting for her. This was her show. Kayde wouldn’t make a move until she said it was okay. Quinn took a deep breath, breathing in the smell of his soap and the underlying scent of his skin, letting it wrap around her until it sank into her pores and reminded her that she wasn’t alone, that she was safe. “Kiss me,” she commanded, proud at how steady her voice sounded, even as she was still unsure of this whole endeavor.

  He was gentle, but there was no hesitation in the way Kayde’s lips covered hers. Quinn opened under him, yielding as his tongue plundered.

  It was wonderful and horrible. Everything she wanted, yet so far from enough that Quinn could have cried in frustration if her mouth weren’t otherwise occupied. Her hands grasped at the air around them before she reached out and let her fingers burrow into Kayde’s hair, feeling the thick strands wrap around her digits. Once she touched him, he mirrored her action, resting his palm on the back of her head and wrapping another around her shoulders. He didn’t move his hands, just let them rest, let her set the pace even as he kept control of the kiss. It was a dance, one Quinn didn’t know the moves to, this exchange where they were both follower and leader. It shouldn’t have worked, should have been confusing, but Quinn could only give silent thanks for the way her alien warrior was holding her close. He kissed her like she was precious, like she deserved to be kissed for hours every day until her lips were swollen, but he didn’t hold her like she was fragile. Yes, he touched her with care, but his tight grip and the firm press of his lips and sweep of his tongue told her that he saw her as anything but broken.

  Even if she didn’t know if she agreed.

  Kayde leaned into her and Quinn found herself lying back on the bed, covered by Kayde’s weight. She could feel his hardening cock pressed against her through all the layers of their clothes and her breath caught, half arousal and half fear. Her heartbeat kicked up and she tried to tell herself that it was just the excitement of the moment. She was in Kayde’s arms, where she belonged, where she wanted to be, and she didn’t need to fear what would happen. They were only going as far as she wanted. He promised.

  But somehow his leg ended up between hers and that spiked Quinn’s fear, tipping her over the edge until she started to struggle beneath him. She pushed at his shoulder, slamming her mouth shut and almost biting his tongue in the process. It only took Kayde a moment to figure out what she was trying to do and he backed up, putting a little space between them, lifting himself off of her.

  But his leg was still between her thighs and that was the problem. Quinn batted at it and scrambled back until she was sitting up. She let out a sound of frustration and curled her hands into fists, wrinkling the sheet under them.

  “What the fuck is wrong with me?” She didn’t mean to yell, but she was too angry to modulate her voice. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Kayde. She buried her face in her hands and muffled her next scream. At least she wasn’t crying, she told herself. At least she was spared that humiliation. She’d already made out with Kayde once before. Why couldn’t she handle it now?

  She didn’t want to look at him, didn’t want to see the disappointment that was sure to be dancing across his face. He was probably wishing for some better mate right now, someone who could handle him. Or, even worse, he was wishing that she’d never awakened this part of him so that he’d never know what he was missing.

  “I’m sorry,” she finally muttered. “Maybe this was a bad idea.” No maybe about it. This was definitely a bad idea. “You should probably just leave me alone.”

  But Kayde didn’t move away. Quinn finally braved a glance at him and saw him studying her like he’d looked at his opponents in the arena. Nothing about him screamed violence, though. No, he was looking for some weak spot, analyzing what they’d just done and looking for a way to fix it.

  “I’m not leaving you,” Kayde said, and Quinn knew that he was talking about more than what was happening in the room. “But I do have an idea. If you’ll let me?”

  KAYDE’S NEWLY GROWING soul ached at seeing his mate in pain, especially when she was torturing herself over something that she had no control over. He knew that she’d been a victim, that she’d been used by some of the cruelest creatures in the universe. And he knew that healing was a process he couldn’t expect to happen overnight, or even over the course of a few months.

  Yes, his body yearned for hers and there was an ancient creature lurking inside of him who urged him to claim her no matter the cost, but he was not some base beast. He would give his mate care and time, but he would not let her retreat into herself or pull away from him out of some misplaced sense of self-sacrifice. She was his. He’d traveled the universe, given up his soul, lost all hope, and yet he still found her. He could wait as long as she needed before they claimed one another.

  At least he thought he could. He was only the second among the soulless to find his denya, and he could not know what it would do to him to regrow his soul past the age of thirty and not claim his mate. Raze had claimed Sierra quickly, before there was any time to analyze what was happening to him. But, Kayde rationalized, he had already known Quinn for months and he still lived. He would not share these doubts with her. Not while she was so wrapped up in her own mind that she would only use the information to torture herself further.

  “What’s your idea?” she asked, voice thick with apprehension.

  He grabbed her hand and pulled her gently towards him. Quinn leaned in, but she didn’t move much closer. “Come here,” he said, as if enticing an Oscavian jungle horse. “Sit close,” he patted his lap with his free hand.

  “You really think me being on top is going to get rid of all of my brain crap?” Quinn’s eyebrows shot up, and though she was clearly skeptical, at least she no longer seemed afraid. It was a miracle to Kayde how easy it was to read her emotions now. Before it had been like a thick wall of glass separated them; he could see the gauzy outline of what she was feeling, but had no hope of deciphering it. Now he understood as if there’d never been any obstacle at all.

  “I think you need all the control you can get,” he told her. He didn’t suppress the hum of satisfaction that purred from his throat as she slung a leg over his and straddled him.

  Quinn’s eyes clouded for a moment and Kayde thought she would pull back. She sat back, perching near his knees, most of her weight on her own legs on either side of him. “It was your thigh,” she confessed.

  “What was my thigh?” He wanted to reach out and run his hands down her arms, to pull her close until she was flush up against him and could feel the evidence of how much he wanted her, but she needed the distance and Kayde could content himself in looking at how the shadows of the room played across her skin. The pale illumination from the ship’s morning lighting program gave her a golden glow, her brown skin gleaming under it.

  “That’s what set me off last time.” She reached down and stroked her hand across his upper thigh, her fingers lightly skimming over the fabric of his pants.

  It was a brand, the heat he imagined from the contact searing him deep. His cock twitched, hardening further, but he kept himself still, let Quinn lead even if it felt like it was killing him. He’d endured pain before, but he’d never known that pleasure could be such torture.

  “It’s not as bad now,” she said, fingers drawing patterns on him.

  Kayde had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from reaching for her until she was ready.

  “I think it’s okay, as long as I know I can pull back anytime I want.” Her face grew concerned, a line appearing between her eyes as she thought. “I mean, I know you’re stronger, that you could hold me in place...” She gulped. “But I think it’s okay.” Her voice began to tremble and she seemed ready to spring off of him.

  “Would you feel better if I couldn’t move my hands?”

  That suggestion replaced all of the lingering apprehension on Quinn’s face with intrigued surprise. Kayde struggled to keep his
own face placid as he imagined what that would look like, him bound underneath his mate, a supplicant to her pleasure. It wasn’t something he’d ever done or wanted to do before, but if it was what his denya needed, he thought the idea might have some merit. And some fun.

  “You want me to tie you up?” Quinn finally managed, completely incredulous. She looked him up and down, finally poking a finger at his chest. “You’re all...” she waved a hand, “you. I can’t believe you’re that into giving up control.”

  He covered her hand until it was lying flush against his chest. “I am into whatever you want, denya, and I will do what it takes to see to your needs. If you wish to tie me up and use me for your pleasure, we will try it. If you wish to torture me with your touch for hours, I am yours to do with as you please.” He could have given her more options as his brain spiraled out, providing a surprising list of fantasies he’d never even considered. It seemed that his denya had opened the creative portion of his mind, and he looked forward to seeing what he could get Quinn to agree to do with him.

  She bit her lip and eyed him once more. “Maybe we save light bondage for another day.” She smiled and leaned in closer, ghosting her lips over his for a moment. “Just having you suggest it kind of helps. But I’m not ready for that yet.”

  Yet. That hung as a promise between them for a moment before lips covered his in earnest and all thoughts of what they might do in the future dissolved as he gave the present his total focus. She tasted earthy, human, and sweet, welcoming him into her arms as her hands danced over his skin. Kayde wanted to reach out and touch, but he’d already moved too fast once and he wasn’t about to ruin this a second time, not when she was still willing to try.

  Though the call to mate beat inside of him, he let his mate lead, let her set the pace of the kiss and decide where and when to touch him. His fingers ached to touch her, a similar feeling to when his claws threatened to burst from his skin, but at the same time completely different. He would never hurt her, never threaten her with his claws. They existed to protect her, to protect their clan, their people.

  Despite the ache, he kept his hand at his side, determined to take only as much as she gave to him and ask for no more. But when one of her hands circled his wrists and pulled it towards her, placing it just above her breast, he groaned. Her skin was soft, even through the fabric of her top, and he wanted so badly to feel the smoothness of her skin that he almost asked before thinking better and deepening the kiss.

  Quinn writhed on top of him, scooting closer every time their tongues danced. She tugged at his top, letting her lips trail down his chin until she lapped at his neck, tracing the patterns of his clan markings and making him shiver as lust stabbed through him. “Take this off.” Her hands squirmed until they pressed against naked flesh.

  “Your wish is my command.” Kayde reached over his head and pulled the shirt off, tossing it aside. He wanted her naked too, but for the moment he was satisfied to watch her look at him. Her eyes couldn’t go red, but they sparkled with an inner fire, something uniquely human, full of light and hope and lust, everything Kayde wanted to see when his mate looked at him.

  Her eyes were a caress as they raked over him, pausing to study the way his clan markings climbed down his side and practically pawing at the muscles over his abdomen. Everywhere she looked, he could feel it, and his cock strained in his trousers, begging to be free. His hips jerked, an unconscious move, but it drew her eye.

  Quinn gulped and reached out, tracing her finger down the ridge of his muscles as if she could cut him open with a single claw. Her nail was just long enough to scrape, but she didn’t press hard enough to hurt, just enough to make him feel it. Kayde leaned into it, wanting to wear her mark, no matter how small. Her hand stopped at the top band of his pants, right above the clasp, and the air grew thick with promise. All she had to do was lower her hand another few centimeters and she’d be resting it over him, but after a moment she drew back, flattening her palm against his stomach and pressing him back against the wall behind the bed.

  She leaned her head to the side, giving Kayde the perfect opening to place his lips against her pulse, to taste the way her life beat within her. He kissed a trail, tasting her and loving her, finally letting his hands roam as she made her own exploration.

  Time drifted away while they learned each other, taking and giving, teasing and surrendering to the heat of the moment. At some point Quinn’s shirt came off and Kayde lavished attention everywhere she let him, her breasts, her stomach, her shoulders. She giggled and gasped when he played with the small indentation in the middle of her stomach and she moaned when he took his time swirling his tongue against one stiff nipple and then another.

  When her fingers finally landed on his cock, Kayde practically jumped and bucked against her before freezing in place, worried that he’d scared her off. But Quinn’s grin was wicked as she played with him through the thin material of his sleeping pants. She stroked him with abandon, her eyes lit up with every groan and growl that came out of his throat. He no longer sounded like a rational being and he didn’t care. He writhed under her caress and had to keep himself from begging her to remove his pants and palm his naked cock. If he did that, he knew there was no way he’d be able to hold himself back from begging her to let him fuck her.

  It was delirious torture, and Kayde wouldn’t have it any other way. He could hear himself saying things in Detyen, making vows and promises that even he wasn’t sure if he understood. Quinn’s eyes were hooded with lust the more he spoke, even though he was almost certain she couldn’t understand his meaning. Almost no translators knew Detyen anymore, there weren’t enough people left to speak it.

  Not even that dreary thought could pull him out of the moment. With a gasp he came, still wearing his pants and making a sticky mess. A sticky, wonderful mess brought on by his mate, who was now looking at him like she’d pulled off a particularly neat trick.

  Kayde was out of his mind with satisfaction and the only thing that could make it greater would be to watch his own mate fall apart with him. He reached over and tugged her close, his hands skimming against the band of her pants before she stopped him with light fingers on his wrist.

  “I...” She was hesitant, as if she didn’t want to break the spell between them. “I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

  He wanted to push ahead and show her that she was stronger than she knew, but Kayde had made a promise, and even as his resolve was weak with pleasure he knew that it was paramount that he keep it. “Show me what you look like when you fall apart,” he urged. “I promise I won’t touch you.” To make it clear he laced his fingers behind his head and leaned back, leaving his chest completely exposed.

  Her cheeks were flushed with arousal, eyes dark with want. She was close to the edge, he could tell, and she needed this, needed to take back this moment and see just how good things could be between the two of them.

  Quinn bit her lip and hesitated, but then their eyes met and she must have seen something she liked from him.

  She didn’t push down her pants and it was sweet torture to watch her fingers move under the fabric once she dipped them inside. She groaned and arched her neck, but she never broke eye contact with him and Kayde couldn’t look away, even as he wanted to witness her entire body come.

  It didn’t take much, just as he’d predicted. Her breath hitched and then she was rippling with pleasure, a guttural sound echoing around them as she brought herself to her peak and crested.

  With deep breaths, Quinn fell against his chest, pulling her hand out of her pants and resting it on the bed. Kayde reached for it and pulled her fingers into his mouth, tasting her arousal secondhand. If he couldn’t have her, he would satisfy himself with this small taste to tide him over until she was ready for more.

  Her eyes widened and darkened, and he could see that she might just give in as he pushed. Already Kayde was recovering, ready for a second round. But he let her hand fall and wrapped his arm around her, simp
ly being with her, content for the moment.

  If he should have said something, he couldn’t find the words, but as silence wrapped around him, he knew they sat in the perfect moment, and he wasn’t ready to let it go just yet.

  Chapter Seventeen

  OVER THE NEXT FEW DAYS, Quinn and Kayde fell into a pattern of testing her boundaries, making out, and sharing their time together while they sped through space, neither of them outright saying that they might be flying into the aftermath of a massacre. She could tell that it hit Kayde sometimes. He’d go quiet, even quieter than usual, and look at the control panel as if he wanted to punch in a command to turn them around and head back to Earth before he could find out if his people no longer survived.

  She tried to bring it up with him once, but he’d deflected until she somehow ended up sitting on his lap in the kitchen, both of them writhing together until they were spent. Eventually she did manage to let him take his pants off and she got her hands on his naked cock, what she was coming to think of as her new favorite toy. And she’d even managed to let him put his hands on her. But not in her—they’d tried that exactly once and it led to a huge freak out and a small panic attack.

  They weren’t having sex, not like she’d known it before. But the moments they shared were more intimate than any experience she’d had with anyone else. Because of her limitations, she and Kayde had to communicate. They couldn’t just fall into bed together and go at it until they were both satisfied. She’d never been one for talking much in bed, and she’d been too guarded to even articulate her likes and dislikes much beyond telling someone when they hit the right spot.