Prudence and Practicality
Page 27
How brave, how judicious he now appeared, to have decided to prove for himself the merits, if there were any to be proved, of his father’s long-held grudge towards the Bennet family, by so recently wishing to heal the breach between them after the demise of his father, and his honest effort to aid his cousins now that his situation in life allowed it.
Charlotte understood more about her husband now than she ever had before. She understood his diffidence in promoting himself and the unrecognised bravery he had shown by overcoming that lack of esteem implanted through years of abuse and parental neglect by a father whose hatred of those richer and more successful than he must have eventually manifested itself towards his son. A son, who, in seeking a better life for himself, had also stepped out into the company of successful people leaving his father and his grudges behind.
She felt an admiration for William’s loyalty towards an undeserving parent by never allowing himself to speak ill of his late father or even by the remotest hint giving rise to suspicion of the facts contained in the letter. She understood completely his reluctance to discuss his father and his prior life before Hunsford; it was not something that anyone would wish to re-live or re-visit when faced with a happy prospect as an alternative.
But what was she to do now? Charlotte pondered the question as she went about her daily tasks and during her visits to the villagers and their families; she appeared more than a little distracted to more than one wife who wondered what could have occasioned such a change in her usually calm and interested demeanour.
One thing was absolutely certain: Charlotte knew she had to be very careful about when and what, or even, if, she divulged her new-found information to her husband. That his father was a vicious drunkard and opportunist who had hardly earned enough to keep his family, and had made threats and demanded monies that were not his to receive, repulsed Charlotte’s sense of dignity and moral standards as, she knew it must have repulsed William’s. But to apprise William that she now had an understanding of his former family situation, such as it was, could only eventuate in one of two ways: firstly, William might feel great relief that she, as his companion in life, now knew all there was to know about his past and could share it with him and give him sympathy for it; or, secondly, and much more likely, he would be excessively angry and humiliated at her prying ways, especially after he had indicated that she need not pursue her enquiries, return to his dignified, proud and aloof self, and their comfortable understanding that had been the bedrock of their marriage to date would never be re-instated.
But how could she live with the knowledge and not let him know? Secrets, while often deemed essential within every successful marriage, have limits. Where there is the possibility to harm the other person, then secrets should not be kept from them but this was a secret that invaded his most private and intimate past. This was something that he had made no attempt to share with her; rather, he had made every effort to divert her enquiries to save her from the unpleasant truth. If she revealed the secret now, she had the uncomfortable feeling that she would do more harm than good. It would relieve her of her new-found burden and clear her conscience for being the owner of information that was not hers to own, but she would certainly harm his trust in her, perhaps forever, and that, she knew, would be impossible to live with.
Charlotte found her inward debate utterly unconquerable and, now more than ever, sincerely wished that Elizabeth was still close by that they could discuss it and consider what was best to be done. Charlotte, for the first time in coming to Hunsford, truly felt the loss of her dear friend’s opinions and clear judgment. She determined to send a letter outlining the dilemma immediately to her, in the hope that it would arrive before Elizabeth left for her tour of the Lakes, and that she would have some advice to dispense.
Quickly, Charlotte moved to her desk and, drawing out her writing tablet and pen, addressed the letter but, as she sat at her desk, Charlotte struggled with what she could actually tell her friend. Mr. Bennet had advised secrecy and had not intimated that he had apprised Elizabeth of the contents of his letter, or even that he had sent it.
Therefore, tempting as it was to pour out her confusions and opinions to her friend, Charlotte reluctantly realised, before too many minutes had passed in gazing blankly at the empty page, that she could request no help from her dearest friend. She was indeed alone with her thoughts and worries and must now accept the consequence of having desired information that she once thought to be her right and of the utmost importance to her continued happiness in marriage but, as she now realised, had only increased her unhappiness and had not allayed any of her fears. And also, regretfully, she knew far too much regarding her late father-in-law to allow her to look her husband straight in the eye with honesty and feel his trust in her to be well-founded; she could never un-learn what she had learnt through her deception and hunger for knowledge that was not hers to own.
How Charlotte felt the sting of regret for not foreseeing her current predicament before setting out on her quest for information! Her horror grew as she considered that William might gain knowledge of her recent enquiries to Lady Catherine; it would arouse his suspicion of her true nature which, before this date, had not been even the least surreptitious, and Lady Catherine was sure to mention it as an exceptional request and not something to be regarded lightly.
How little she knew herself when released from the restrictions of Meryton and her family! She had become an underhanded sneak, an unworthy object of his trust and all her good intentions and ministrations were for naught when the man in whose name and parish she had executed them could no longer admire and trust her.
Charlotte arose in great agitation and paced about the room, pausing at the window to ponder her predicament as she gazed blankly out over the flower and vegetable beds so lovingly tended by William. Panic gathered within her throat and she emitted a strangled cry before rushing out of the room, brushing past William who had been alerted by her cry, flying out of the front door and into the lane leading towards the woods on the far side of Rosings.
Blindly, she traced the paths that she and Elizabeth had walked so many times together, so recently and happily, and, after briskly walking for almost an hour, exhausted, she came upon a tree stump and gratefully sank upon it to rest. Now calmer and feeling less disgust at herself, she once again tried to make sense of her dilemma and to plan an action that would bring about an agreeable outcome.
But nothing that would do presented itself. All that she could imagine at the end of every solution was William’s hurt reaction, his disappointment, his feeling of betrayal that, once again, someone who was supposed to love and support him had undermined his life and esteem. She could see no way out; it was impossible to conceive a plan that would allow her the feeling of relief and have an equally beneficial outcome for William.
Therefore, she concluded, she could never tell him what she knew; she must try to erase the knowledge from her mind and never reflect upon it again, as to do so would inflict intense suffering and complications where none were necessary. She would burn the letters, and would deny any enquiries to have been made to Lady Catherine. Charlotte determined all this as she gathered her strength before starting her return back to the Parsonage where she knew she would have to explain her curious behaviour upon leaving to William. Another deception! And what could she use as an explanation for behaviour that was so different from her usual serenity?
Charlotte sighed as she slowly stood up and brushed the leaves and moss from her gown. Calmer now, she reflected once again upon her change of character brought on by her desire for information, her discomfort at knowing that information and, now, the sentence of keeping a lifelong secret from her marriage partner. How easily one is led down the path of curiosity by mistakenly calling it a search for knowledge!
“Be careful what you wish for,” she thought wryly as she retraced her steps back along the paths towards her home, “because you might get more than you expect!”
He
r lengthy absence, and after such a hurried and unexplained exit, had left Mr. Collins in a rather perplexed state of mind. Never before had he seen his Charlotte so upset and unwilling to even speak with him regarding its cause. She had flown out of the house as if a very demon was chasing her! He had returned to his book-room but could not settle, his eyes continually drawn to the path in front of the house expecting Charlotte to re-appear at every minute in her usual state of smiling calm.
But she did not appear, and, after waiting in mounting anguish for more than thirty minutes, he determined to go in search of her. He racked his brains for a reason for her outburst but could think of nothing; everything in the house was in order and she had been very happy with her visits to the parishioners that morning. He walked first into the back parlour from whence she had emerged in such a state and, seeing nothing to alert his senses within that room for her agitation, took up his hat and cane, calling to Mrs. Hall that he would be gone for a while, and left the house following the same route that his wife had taken in such a hurry.
He walked briskly along the paths that he understood to be favourites of his wife’s, always expecting to come upon her around the next bend but he had worked himself into quite a state by the time they did meet in a quiet clearing surrounded by dappled green light and birdsong.
Charlotte, not expecting this early intrusion into her deliberations, quickly had to compose herself before greeting her husband with a smile and a calm appearance and, at the sight of her, unharmed and having regained her state of equanimity, he was the first to regain his power of speech.
“My dear, Charlotte! What do you do here? Forgive me for intruding upon your solitary walk but I was so disconcerted at the manner of your leaving and the length of your absence, I felt I must seek you out to ensure your well-being! I could not continue with my work until I was sure of your safety and whether there is anything to be done about your present discomfort. Please take my arm and we will return together. I cannot imagine what has occasioned this outburst. What is it that has upset you? Was there something in a letter, unpleasant news from home, perhaps? I beg you, please alleviate my concerns and advise me in what way I can be the most helpful to you.”
Charlotte smiled as genuinely as she could, realising that here and now was where she would start her lifelong deception. She gratefully took the proffered arm as, suddenly, she felt the effects of just how far she had walked and at such an energetic speed.
“I apologise, William, for causing you so much distress, and for no reason, as neither you nor anyone else can alleviate my current torment. I found myself facing something this morning that no one can help me with and I confess to never having felt so alone and so vulnerable. I have always had my parents to turn to when I needed guidance of a certain kind and of course, my dear friend Elizabeth to proffer her opinions and advice on other matters. Now I find that I must think and discover and decide all for myself, which, I understand, is all part of being a married woman in a most fortunate situation, but this morning the enormity of the idea so overwhelmed me that I had to escape the house and walk the fears out of me. I do beg that you will respect my feelings in this matter and importune me no further as I truly cannot explain any more than this.”
Mr. Collins listened to this explanation, understanding very little but enough to know that it was probably due to some feminine mystery the likes of which he knew many men to have no knowledge, and decided to acquiesce as she had returned to him, once again, as his sensible Charlotte.
“Of course I shall not challenge you about your behaviour, my dear! Marriage is, more for women than men I understand, an enormous change in lifestyle and it cannot be said enough that you have risen to the challenges put before you with an admirable courage and strength ever since you arrived in Hunsford. You have no reason to be afraid of being alone with your troubled thoughts; God will always be listening and there are many other people to whom you may speak if you do not wish to share them with me but, as your husband, please remember that I have paramount interest in your happiness and well-being and will not rest until I am assured that you are feeling them every day.”
“You are very kind, William, and I do appreciate all of your thoughtful kindnesses since our marriage. I will always turn to you as my first opportunity for counsel. Pray, do not be concerned. It was really a personal matter that I have put to rest with thinking and energetic exercise. Let us enjoy the afternoon as we return to the house. The woods are lovely at this time of the year, are not they?”
Feeling slightly relieved, William took his wife’s advice and proceeded to intone with regards to every element of nature that they passed so that Charlotte would not be ignorant of their names, growth, habitat, or uses. This was mostly beneficial for Charlotte as she merely had to nod, smile and appear to listen attentively as she practised her dishonesty skills for future use.
A week later she was reading a letter that had arrived from Elizabeth containing the latest news from Meryton, some of which she had already had from her mother earlier, the most important of which was the fact that the Militia was to remove to Brighton for the Summer.
“And thank goodness for that, was my first thought when I heard. Lydia has become quite infatuated with any man in a red coat; it is making her quite ridiculous and she involves Kitty in her schemes to meet with them.”
Elizabeth continued stating her relief at Wickham also being removed from her company as she no longer trusted anything about him.
“He charms and then transfers his affections so easily that he really cannot be considered an honest person. It is a relief that the women of Meryton are to be safe from his attentions.”
This statement caused Charlotte some surprise as she had understood that Elizabeth held no grudge against Wickham when he had transferred his attentions in January from Elizabeth to another, more affluent young lady - a Miss Mary King. Elizabeth had laughingly stated during her visit in March that handsome young men must have something to live on as well as the plain and that she did not begrudge him the chance of a comfortable life with a good sort of girl. She had not appeared to have been even slightly touched by love for Wickham to be so easy in losing his attentions but now, for her attitude to have so dramatically changed towards him, something must have come to light regarding his character which Elizabeth had either forgot to mention, or presumed Charlotte already knew.
After continuing with other details about her return, Elizabeth touched upon Jane’s misfortune; she had spent all those months living in London and had seen, only twice, any member of the Bingley family, and that being Caroline. Of Charles, she had seen nothing.
“This can only be the work of Caroline Bingley, to separate my dear sister from her brother as she sees Jane as an unfit partner for him. I cannot tolerate how she manipulates her brother and his true thoughts, Charlotte. Was it not entirely clear to everyone when they were together at dinner parties and assemblies that they were violently in love and had eyes only for each other? It certainly speaks ill of his determination of purpose and his depth of feeling if he is so easily swayed by other’s opinions. But perhaps, it is not all his fault. He is a most good-natured gentleman and abhors any conflict. There are others who are to blame, I am sure, and while they may rejoice in their success in parting two people who would have been very happy together, I cannot forgive them howsoever just they believe their intentions to have been. Jane, outwardly, is all understanding about the situation. She accepts that his affections were not for her and believes that he will remain in her memory as a pleasant young man for whom she has nothing to reproach. I believe, from constant observation, that she is still in love with him and is terribly unhappy; she is not the same Jane who you and I have known all our lives. There is something very dull about her now where always there was brightness. She will not admit it, even to me, which causes me pain, but I cannot press her and intrude upon her personal sadness. I hope that in time she will regain her equilibrium and return to her former state.
This piece of the letter so mystified Charlotte that she read it several times to ensure she was gathering all of the information contained both in the surface details and the underlying message. However, she had warned Elizabeth at the first ball that Jane did not appear to be so very attached to Mr. Bingley and that she should be more overt in her affections if she was to secure him. Not everyone has the ability to distinguish concealed feelings without a little encouragement.
So, Elizabeth believed that someone had interfered between Bingley and Jane, did she? Charlotte cast her mind back to Elizabeth’s untoward behaviour the day Fitzwilliam and Darcy left; her barely-controlled anger and disinclination to discuss her abrupt desire for solitude, and her cold dismissal of missing the departure of the two gentlemen. Charlotte now wondered if something had occasioned regarding Jane between either one of the gentlemen and Elizabeth.
She checked herself: no more wondering about others’ secrets! She had vowed not to meddle or seek information that was not hers to obtain and she would leave Elizabeth to her own devices until her friend saw fit to include Charlotte in her knowledge.
Charlotte signed in sympathy as she read the postscript that Elizabeth had added before closing her letter.