Discovery

by Quinn Ward

  “Okay,” I responded dumbly. When he returned, he handed me a small plate piled with three donuts, and he held another mug of hot cocoa. I shouldn’t consume this much sugar at one time, but damn I wanted it. Wanted to not think about how scattered my mind would be the rest of the day. Wanted to not worry about screwing things up once the lights came back on and we were shooting.

  “Stop thinking so hard,” Levi scolded me. He reached up and ran his fingers through my hair. “You do that a lot, don’t you?”

  I shrugged, not wanting to confirm any of his suspicions about me.

  “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Teo.”

  “Why do you call me that?” My brothers had used the shortened version of my name my entire life, but Levi was the only person outside my family I’d allowed to get away with it.

  “It fits you,” he answered, as if that was the only explanation needed. “Does it bother you?”

  “Actually, no,” I admitted.

  “Good.” He turned his attention to his phone while I ate breakfast. Occasionally, I caught him watching me, but he’d immediately go back to whatever game he played to pass the time.

  “The power company said it’ll be less than an hour,” Denny hollered, reminding me we weren’t alone. “I thought we could walk through what we want to get done today so we can make up this lost time. I’m sure Matteo has other things he needs to do today.”

  “Not really.” I only worked lunch shifts at my family’s restaurant because my brain couldn’t function in the chaos of dinner rush. “My brother’s covering my shift at work today and Frankie’s boyfriend was having my car towed so one of his buddies can look at it and let me know how much it’s going to cost to fix. I might stop by my mama’s after we’re done to check on my niece because she’s not feeling well, but maybe that’s a bad idea. I don’t need to get whatever she brought home from school.”

  Levi placed a hand on my knee and gave a gentle squeeze. “Why are you so nervous?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Just an observation. When you were nervous the other day, you started rambling. And you’re doing it again now.” He took the plate from my hand and squeezed my fingers. “Talk to me. Let me help you work through whatever’s bothering you.”

  “It’s nothing.” I sat up straighter, determined to mask my insecurity about today. I’d had time over the weekend to think about what I was doing and my mind had worked out plenty of embarrassing scenarios.

  The problem was, last week had opened my eyes. Even though I’d been confused and a bit put off by John and Levi dressing me up like their personal doll and embarrassed by waddling around in diapers, it’d also been freeing. When Levi had told me to get on the floor and play with the blocks, I’d managed to turn off my brain for a while. I didn’t think about the cameras or who might be watching me. I didn’t have to do anything other than have fun.

  “Don’t lie to me, boy,” Levi reprimanded, his voice rumbling. My eyes darted to the other side of the open area to see if John and Denny were watching us, but they were oblivious. “Tell me what’s wrong so I can help you.”

  I got the impression Levi wasn’t going to give up, so I weighed my options. Yes, it’d be embarrassing to admit my budding fantasies to him, but after the shoot finished, I wouldn’t have to see him again. That made him safe. But this was a job to him. There was a chance he was turned off by everything we were doing here.

  “Nothing you can say will make me think less of you,” he promised, reaching up to graze his fingers over my cheek. I leaned into his touch, chasing his hand when he pulled away. “Does it have to do with what we did last week?”

  I nodded.

  “You seemed put off at first,” he continued, explaining what he’d observed. “Something changed as the day went on, didn’t it?”

  I nodded again, unable to find my voice. I stared at the floor, wringing my hands in my lap as I curled my toes in the plush area rug at my feet. I startled when Levi stood, lifting me out of my seat as if I weighed nothing. I should’ve been annoyed by him sitting down in the chair he’d evicted me from, put off when he pulled me into his lap. But I wasn’t. The way Levi wrapped me in his arms, encouraging me to rest my head on his shoulder, settled me and quieted my thoughts.

  “It’s okay to admit you liked it,” he whispered. I felt his dick pressing against the side of my butt. Did I like it? Hell yes, I did, and that was part of the problem. For so long, I’d thought I was broken because I didn’t feel the slightest sexual attraction to anyone, but having Levi tell me to sit on the floor and play brought me to life. It wasn’t even the promise of anything sexual that got to me; it was the tender way he issued his commands. Or like now, when he sensed my unease and wrapped me tightly in his arms the way my brothers did when I was upset.

  Levi’s lips brushed against my ear and I shivered. I wasn’t sure if he’d done it on purpose, but I wanted more. “Why, though?”

  “Why what?” he asked. I liked that; he didn’t assume he knew what I was talking about and was giving me time to work through my jumbled thoughts. “Maybe the why isn’t as important as admitting what you liked about it.”

  “You,” I blurted without thinking. Stupid faulty brain-to-mouth filter. “I mean, not you, but what you told me to do. I’m not stupid; I know what type of site John’s trying to build and I thought it was all about sex, but that’s not what it felt like the other day.”

  “What did it feel like?”

  “Calm.” This time, my immediate answer didn’t worry me. “At first, I couldn’t relax because I was trying to figure out why anyone would be into that stuff, but when you told me to sit down on the floor and forget about the cameras and everyone in the room, I did. Because you told me to.”

  “And what happened then?” He nuzzled his nose into my damp hair. I smiled when I heard him inhale my scent. I shrugged because I couldn’t put my feelings into words. “Do you want to know what I saw from where I stood?”

  I nodded.

  “Your entire body relaxed while you were playing. You stopped worrying about what was expected of you. And that’s a big part of why some people are into this lifestyle. For the littles, it’s all about being able to let go of the expectations society puts on them. They can put aside their adult side and sink into a role, go back to a time when life was simpler, if you will.”

  “But why?”

  “That seems to be your favorite question,” Levi mused. “You remind me of a little boy, so curious about a world he doesn’t understand.” He paused, and I felt his muscles tense before he shook his head.

  “You were going to say something else. What was it?”

  “It was nothing.” I could tell he was lying but didn’t want to call him out and ruin the moment. I closed my eyes, allowing myself to feel the warmth of his body chasing away the last of the chill from me being caught in the storm. I listened to the rain outside; it had slowed considerably.

  “Tell me,” I pleaded, my voice barely above a whisper. I lifted my hand, cupping his cheek. I might not be sure what was happening here, but every minute I grew a little more desperate to find out. I parroted his words from earlier back at him. “Nothing you say will make me think less of you.”

  “Would you let me show you instead?” I turned my head and zeroed in on the uncertainty in his eyes. “Let me give this to you. I promise, I’m not trying to get into your pants.”

  “Isn’t that the whole point of all this kinky stuff John’s doing?”

  “Not always,” he reassured me. “Sometimes, it’s a way for people to simply do something that feels good. And I want to make you feel good.”

  I didn’t give myself time to overthink. No matter where this led, I felt like this was the moment where I could take control of something in my life. And if it allowed me a few more minutes of peace from my racing mind, that was even better. “Yes, please.”

  4

  Levi

  With two little words, the tension began to ebb f
rom my body and my muscles relaxed. It’d been a careless risk, offering to introduce Matteo to what turned me on, but his eager yet polite response told me it’d be worth it. Every nerve ending in my body came to life as I pushed Matteo off my lap and instructed him to wait for me. If we were going to do this, I wanted John and Denny to make themselves scarce for a bit.

  I glanced back at my boy as I approached them, my heart melting at his shy smile. His knee bounced rapidly as he ran his hands down the fabric of his pants, not trying to hide his nervousness. Good. For better or worse, I didn’t want him feeling he had to hold back anything he felt when we were together.

  “You guys mind leaving us alone for a little bit?” I asked when John noticed I was standing behind them.

  “Everything okay?” He followed my gaze to Matteo and shook his head. “Man, you didn’t think I was serious when we made that little bet the other night, did you?”

  “Bet? What bet?” Denny perked up, closing the little steno pad he’d been scribbling notes in. His eyes narrowed on John and he opened his mouth to say something else, but John silenced him with a finger pressed to his lips, obliterating any sense of personal space. Denny’s shoulders and gaze softened.

  “Levi didn’t believe me when I told him Matteo’s straight,” John explained. I glared at him, willing him to shut the hell up because I didn’t want Matteo overhearing and thinking this was all some big joke to me. “Trust me, when we first met, I tried everything to catch that boy’s attention, but there wasn’t the slightest bit of interest.”

  “Not being interested in you isn’t the same as not being interested in men in general,” Denny pointed out. My jaw tightened, biting back the urge to tell both of them to knock it off. “But this is hardly the time or place to debate someone else’s identity. I’m a bit shocked that you would do such a thing at all, Levi.”

  “It wasn’t like that,” I clarified. “And I agree that we shouldn’t be talking about this right now. Matteo’s nervous about today’s shoot and I have an idea to get him in a better headspace, but I don’t think he’ll be able to relax if you guys are watching.”

  “No sleeping with the models,” Denny reminded me. It had been one of the few enforced rules since shortly after Denny started doing freelance photography, when a model walked out after having a lover’s spat with Denny’s former assistant.

  “I’m not going to sleep with him.” Not yet, the little devil in my head added. Maybe not ever, the angel on my other shoulder corrected. I’d apparently lost my damn mind if I was picturing little animated characters whispering into my ears. “But he needs to relax a bit before we get started. What’ve you got to lose? We can’t do anything until the lights come back on.”

  “Fair enough.” Denny gathered his equipment bag and paper coffee cup. “John, let’s do as he asks. Levi’s the most talented assistant I’ve had, and part of that’s because of his ability to read the talent so well.”

  “Awww, thanks.” Denny was usually stingy with his praise, so it warmed me to hear him tell someone he was happy with the job I did for him. “I’ll let you know when we’re ready for you to come back out.”

  “If the lights come back, we’re shooting, ready or not,” Denny countered before leading John to the apartment. I didn’t miss the way Denny’s fingers curled around John’s elbow or the glances between them.

  I walked back over to Matteo and crouched in front of his chair, running my hands over his legs. “It’s okay if you’ve changed your mind. We don’t have to do anything.”

  Matteo shook his head. “No, I want this. I need you to help me understand why it calmed me the other day.”

  I took Teo’s hand in mine, lifting it to my lips, kissing the back of each of his fingers to show my gratitude that he was willing to trust me with this.

  The set was any daddy’s dream, but it was too perfect, too clinical. I looked at my boy and noticed the way he worried his lip between his teeth. He wanted this but struggled to get into the right headspace.

  “Sit.” I pointed at the small table and chairs at the edge of the set. “I’ll be right back.”

  I rummaged through the totes, trying to find the underwear that’d taunted me all weekend. I couldn’t forget the way his face lit up when I pulled out the race car undies, then tried to hide his disappointment when I’d put them back in favor of a more sedate pair that I’d incorrectly assumed he’d like better. After finding them, I moved to the next tote, a clear vision of the scene I hoped to create forming in my mind. Piece by piece, I gathered everything Teo needed to let go of his adult worries and sink into little time.

  “Come here, boy,” I directed him when I returned, my words carefully measured so there was no mistaking that it wasn’t a suggestion. “Time for us to get you dressed.”

  He glanced back at the door leading to the apartment. “I thought we weren’t shooting yet.”

  “We’re not, but if you’re up for it, this will help you more fully embrace your role,” I explained, holding out a hand to him, subtly placing the ball in his court. If he balked, we’d stop, but if he approached, I planned to show him how a good daddy helped his boy.

  One tentative step in front of the other, Teo closed the distance between us. I patted my knee, inviting him to sit on my lap. His breathing was shallow and labored, as if anxiety was flooding his senses. “Relax, boy. You’re safe with me. I won’t do anything to violate your trust in me.”

  “I’m… I don’t want to have sex with you.” The words would’ve been like a knife to the gut from anyone else, but I knew Teo wasn’t trying to shoot me down. Realizing what he’d said, he groaned loudly and buried his face in my chest. Unfortunately for him, that still left his bright red ears on display. “I mean… oh, my god, I didn’t mean I don’t want to have sex with you, I meant I don’t have sex with anyone. I know it’s messed up, but I don’t like it.”

  “That’s good to know,” I responded. I desperately wanted to reward him with a kiss but didn’t want him to think I was pushing his limits. “Being little and sex don’t have to go hand in hand.”

  “You’re not upset that this isn’t sexual for me?” He seemed confused that I hadn’t rejected him outright.

  “No, Angel.” I rubbed my hand over his back, sliding under the hem of the shirt I’d given him earlier to test the waters. “I will never make you do something you don’t want to do. And if you do change your mind, you’ll have to tell me so I know what you want.”

  “I like this,” he admitted, so quietly I wasn’t sure he’d meant the words to be spoken out loud. “Want to stay just like this. You’re warm.”

  “We can do that, but I thought you wanted me to help you find your little space again,” I reminded him. If he was this tactile all the time, it was a good thing we only had a few more days of shooting. Already, I was dreaming of what it’d be like if he was my boy for real, and that was dangerous. I loved a boy who craved Daddy’s comfort, but wasn’t sure I could ever allow myself that peace again, knowing that little boys didn’t stay little forever. Eventually, they grew and left. If there was anyone who could get me over my own insecurities, it’d be Matteo.

  “Do you mind if we talk about what you want to do before we do it?” he asked, tipping his head back to look at me.

  “Of course not.” I grabbed the supplies I’d set on the small side table. “I picked out an outfit for you.”

  “I can wear the race cars today?” he asked, a smile beaming across his face. “And the T-shirt matches!”

  “Daddy saw how sad you looked the other day when I put them away.” It was another risk, referring to myself as Daddy, and I worried I’d gone too far when Teo stiffened. I held my breath, waiting for him to turn on me, insisting I was sick and twisted to expect him to call me that. But he didn’t.

  “Daddy,” he whispered, not looking at me. He repeated the word a few times, as if trying it on for size. His gaze refocused and he took the clothing from my hands. “What else?”

  I held up
a sippy cup with a bright red lid. His head cocked to the side as he reached for it. “You might get thirsty.”

  “Yeah, maybe.” He went quiet and closed his eyes. I counted each slow breath, relieved that he seemed calmer now. “And this isn’t weird to you?”

  “Not at all,” I reassured him. “I understand why it’s not for everyone, but I miss having a little boy to take care of.”

  I bit my tongue, annoyed that I’d shown so much of my hand so soon. Even John didn’t know about Bradley. We’d been together when I’d moved away for college and the relationship had imploded when Bradley severed ties less than a week before graduation, telling me he couldn’t keep “playing these games” with me. It didn’t matter that he’d been the one to get me into the lifestyle; something had changed for him and he’d decided it was better to completely sever ties.

  “Do you think there’s something wrong with playing like this?” I asked, trying to bring the focus back to the present.

  He cocked his head to the side, reaching up to pinch his bottom lip between his fingers. I swatted his hand away before he could hurt himself. “I wouldn’t say that, but it is confusing.”

  “How so?” A flush creeped up Teo’s neck and cheeks, making me even more curious about what he was mulling over in his mind. I lifted a hand, brushing the damn hair away from his face. “If you want me to help you understand, you have to tell me what you’re thinking.”

  “I never understood what the big deal was about sex,” he blurted out. I choked on my own saliva at the matter-of-fact statement. “I tried it a few times because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do, but it didn’t do anything for me.”

  “Angel, we’ve already decided that that’s not even on the table for us,” I reminded him, biting my tongue to keep from adding “right now” to the end of the statement.

  “I know, but the thing is when you hold me like this, it feels the way some people say sex is supposed to feel.” He burrowed his face into the crook of my neck. This time, I did kiss the side of his head as I started understanding his confusion.