Dodos

by Al Lamanda

  “Well, what does he want then?”

  “I’d like to know that myself,” Ian said.

  “Muffie-Jo, listen to me,” Gavin said. “Ian and I are working a big job, an important job and not just to us, but to some scientists who were robbed of an important discovery.”

  “Robbed?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “They discovered the egg of a bird that went instinct hundreds of year ago and it was stolen from them,” Gavin said. “Our job is to get it back for them. We need your help.”

  “My help?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Her help?” Ian said.

  “How?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Yeah, how?” Ian said.

  “We need to go to Stockholm and check things out,” Gavin said.

  “Is that near Jersey?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “It’s across the ocean, Muffie-Jo,” Gavin said. “In Europe.”

  “That far, huh?”

  “It will be a vacation in a beautiful country and I will pay you one hundred thousand dollars,” Gavin said.

  “To fly to…?”

  “Stockholm,” Gavin said.

  “Right,” Muffie-Jo said. “To go on vacation and help you to do what?”

  “Yeah, to do what?” Ian said, cocking an eye at Gavin.

  “To just be you,” Gavin said. “Remember the time you were arrested in California? You had the cops eating out of your hand just by being yourself.”

  “You want me to get arrested again?” Muffie-Jo said. “My nails got all black.”

  Gavin sighed.

  Ian sighed.

  “No, just be yourself,” Gavin said. “That’s all I’m asking.”

  “You’ll pay me just to be me?” Muffie-Jo said. “I don’t get it.”

  “Me, neither,” Ian said.

  “Muffie-Jo, I want you to get up and go to the ladies room,” Gavin said.

  “But, I don’t have to…”

  “Count to 60, then come back to the table,” Gavin said. “If you do that, Ian will take you shopping to buy the sexiest clothes you can find for the trip.”

  “Really?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Yeah, really?” Ian said.

  Muffie-Jo stood up. “Here I go,” she giggled.

  “Lee, I don’t…” Ian said.

  “Just watch,” Gavin said.

  As Muffie-Jo crossed the room, a woman reached out to slap her leering husband, a waiter tripped and fell, a busboy poured water down the back of an elderly woman, another woman stabbed her leering husband in the hand with a fork.

  “Can you think of a better way to cause a major distraction in a faraway land?” Gavin said. “Than to have your wife around.”

  Ian looked around the room.

  Sixty seconds ticked off.

  Muffie-Jo returned. Three women slapped three men. A waiter dumped steaming hot soup down the front of a woman’s dress. A Spanish speaking busboy dropped to his knees and made the sign of the cross.

  Muffie-Jo returned to the table, sat and looked at Ian. “So where we going shopping?” she said.

  Ian looked at Gavin. “Sometimes you’re pure genius.”

  “Thank you, sweetie,” Muffie-Jo giggled. “And I did get all the way to sixty.”

  TEN

  While Gavin, Ian and Patience sat on the sofa and waited for Muffie-Jo to exit the bedroom of the Gavin’s apartment to model the final outfit she bought, Patience looked at Gavin and fumed.

  Besides chewing a wad of gum the size of a softball, Patience tapped her right foot against the carpet, a sign to Gavin that she was really steamed about something. He thought about asking, but why uncap the rumbling volcano?

  On Ian’s lap was a bowl of ice cream and as he shoveled in a scoop, he said, “Hey, Muffie-Jo, get a move on, it’s getting late.”

  A moment later, the bedroom door opened and Muffie-Jo came strolling out like a runway model. She wore a leopard print mini skirt, black fishnet nylons, three-inch black heels and a gold, long sleeve top. A string of pearls with matching earrings completed the look.

  Muffie-Jo did a quick spin that ended with, “Ta da.”

  “Muffie-Jo, you’re beautiful,” Gavin said.

  Patience shoved more gum into her mouth.

  “Lovely,” Gavin said.

  Patience rubbed her swollen stomach.

  “A real knockout,” Gavin said.

  Patience tapped her foot as she glared at Gavin.

  “Nothing short of…” Gavin said.

  “Oh, come on,” Patience snapped.

  “What?” Gavin said.

  Ian stood up and grabbed a large box off the floor. “Try the coat and hat,” he said.

  Muffie-Jo slipped on the full length, cashmere coat with matching hat, scarf and gloves. “I feel so…so…warm,” she said.

  “Perfect,” Gavin said.

  “Can we eat now?” Ian said.

  “Why not?” Gavin said.

  “Go change,” Ian said to Muffie-Jo and dashed into the kitchen.

  Muffie-Jo returned to the bedroom.

  Patience glared at Gavin. “And what did this little ensemble cost you?” she said.

  “It didn’t cost me anything,” Gavin said. “It cost Wallace a bit over twelve grand.”

  “How lovely,” Patience said.

  “What?”

  “What. Is that what you said?”

  “Yes, I said what,” Gavin said. “And then you said, is that what you said. So maybe you’ll tell me what you’re so steamed about?”

  “I was just wondering why the sudden interest in dressing your very beautiful sister-in-law like a life sized Barbie Doll,” Patience said.

  “I told you, she’s going to be helping us with the job,” Gavin said. “She needs to look good, that’s all.”

  “What aren’t you telling me?” Patience said.

  Gavin sighed.

  “Do not do that,” Patience said.

  “What?”

  “Sigh. When you sigh, you’re hiding something from me. You sighed right before you went to prison for three years. Remember that?”

  “I think I remember prison, yes,” Gavin said. “I don’t remember sighing though.”

  “Trust me, you did. So, spit it out, buster.”

  At that moment, Muffie-Jo, wearing jeans and a sweater, came out of the bedroom and said, “So, when do we leave for Stockholm, Lee?”

  Gavin looked at Muffie-Jo.

  Patience looked at Gavin.

  “We’ll talk about it after lunch,” Gavin said.

  “Modeling makes me hungry,” Muffie-Jo said and went to the kitchen.

  “Stockholm?” Patience said.

  Gavin made a face as if he just smelled something really bad.

  “Stockholm, Sweden?” Patience said.

  “I was going to bring it up,” Gavin said.

  “Really?”

  “See, that’s where the group is that stole the egg,” Gavin said. “I need to case them out to formulate the plan.”

  “And playing dress up with Miss Cupie Doll helps you with that?”

  Gavin looked at Patience. “Are you jealous?”

  “What I am is pregnant,” Patience said. “Seven months worth. With your devil spawn, I might add. It will be a miracle if the baby isn’t born with horns and a tail and a little baby burglar mask.”

  “For Christ sake, you’re the one who said I had to do this job,” Gavin said. “It’s history, you said, or something like that.”

  “And where in that conversation do you remember anything about taking Muffie-Jo to Stockholm, Sweden?” Patience said.

  “She’s my distraction,” Gavin said. “I did a test run at the Overlook Restaurant in Central Park and…”

  “Really?” Patience said.

  “Men fall all over themselves when she walks into a room,” Gavin said.

  “You don’t say,” Patience said.

  “It’s amazing, but they do,” Gavin said. “If she can distract the…”

  Patience pu
nched Gavin in the nose. “How’s that for amazing?’ she said and stood up.

  “P, come on,” Gavin said as he held his bloody nose.

  “Don’t you come on me, buster,” Patience said. “I’m seven months pregnant and what’s more distracting than a pregnant woman going into labor?”

  “Well, that’s just great,” Gavin said. “If you can induce labor whenever you plain old feel like then we’ll use you to distract an entire museum of scientists, plus security, I’m all for it.”

  Patience stared at Gavin and slowly her lower lip started to quiver.

  “Aw, P, come on,” Gavin said.

  “Don’t you come on me, you…you…you know what you are,” Patience sobbed.

  Gavin stood up and delicately wrapped his arms around Patience, careful not to put pressure on her stomach. “I don’t suppose it will hurt anything to bring you along as my wife,” Gavin said. “It would be good cover.”

  “Good cover?” Patience said. “You dolt, may I remind you that you are deathly afraid to fly. That without me by your side, you would never even set foot inside an airport, much less a plane.”

  “Good point,” Gavin said.

  “So when do we leave?” Patience said.

  “As soon as I get new names and passports for us,” Gavin said.

  “So we go see Al?” Patience said.

  “We go see Al.”

  “Right now, let’s go see the kitchen before my brother leaves us nothing but the furniture,” Patience said.

  ELEVEN

  An interesting byproduct of marriage to Lee was that over the years, Patience was able to meet so many fascination people, albeit criminals, but fascinating nonetheless, she thought as she walked along Riverside Drive.

  For instance, there was Fubar the car thief and driver. His real name was Francis, but he went off like a stick of dynamite if you called him that. He owned a scrap yard in Queens and generally went in with Lee on jobs that required transportation and a driver.

  Fubar’s cousin, Snafu, real name Sebastian, was some kind of electronics expert blessed with narcolepsy and would nod off at the most inconvenient times, like when hanging out of a window or climbing a telephone pole.

  There was Douglas, known as Double D, a grumpy explosives expert who would just as soon blow a building up as rob it. Sometimes he would blow things up just to have something interesting to watch on the news.

  Artie ‘Ack-Ack’ Ackerman was another associate of Lee’s that Patience had contact with over the years. A one time safe cracker until his eyes went bad. He now operated a small locksmith shop on Tenth Avenue and did the occasional job with Lee whenever the opportunity presented itself. With Coke bottle glasses, Artie was fond of saying, “When the eyes go, they go, and they went.”

  John Jack-Jack Johnson, a massive wall of a man who made his living beating up delinquent customers for loan sharks often worked for Lee as muscle when somebody needed a good scare or their head busted. Jack-Jack might be the one man in Lee’s circles who could challenge Lee physically and Patience would hate to live on the difference between the two if push ever came to shove.

  Patience paused in front of a massive Riverside Drive Apartment building. Lee’s friend, a professional forger named Alosso Shi-Thead, an Italian/Arab American lived on the eleventh floor. A one-time engraver for the US Mint, Alosso, or Al as Lee called him, struck out on his own when he decided to give himself a raise by printing his own money. After a stretch in federal prison, Al set up shop in a huge apartment where for fifteen years; he happily printed money, passports, birth certificates and anything else one might in the way of forged documents.

  Today, Patience was picking up a clean set of birth certificates, social security cards, driver’s licenses and credit cards for her and Lee because, well, if they traveled to Europe under their own names, Lee wouldn’t be welcome. He just wouldn’t. With his record, her sweet lug of a husband would be considered undesirable.

  Before opening the outer lobby door, Patience opened her purse to check the fat envelope Lee gave her before he took off to meet with Ian. She gave it a squeeze, then opened the door and stepped into the small lobby. Intercom buzzers and mailboxes lined the left wall. A second locked door protected the inner, main lobby from unwanted guests.

  Patience took a deep breath before pushing the intercom button marked A. Shi-Thead because Al was a shut in, a paranoid recluse of the highest order. Even if he knew you were coming, even if he invited you, he would freak out when you arrived and you never knew what to expect from him.

  Patience rang the buzzer.

  Thirty seconds and nothing.

  Patience rang the buzzer a second time, holding her finger for a count of ten.

  Al’s voice sounded over the speaker. “Sorry I can’t come to the door right now, I’m in the shower. If you wait for the beep and leave a…”

  Patience pushed the buzzer and leaned in close to the speaker. “Knock it off, Al,” she said. “Lee just spoke with you not twenty minutes ago.”

  “Who is this?” Al said.

  “Patience Gavin, who did you think?”

  “How do I know this is the real you and not an imposter?”

  Patience sighed. “Who, Al, can you think of who would want to impersonate a seven month pregnant woman married to a two time convicted felon? Can you answer me that? Huh, who?”

  “Good point,” Al said. “However…”

  Patience pushed the buzzer. “I have twelve thousand dollars in an envelope for you. If you don’t want it, I’ll…”

  “Okay, okay,” Al said. “Tell me, are you alone?”

  “I have the Lincoln Center Choir with me, but otherwise yes.”

  “Twelve grand, huh?”

  “That’s what Lee gave me.”

  The buzzer sounded and Patience pushed in the door. The lobby was huge and she walked across the tiled floor to the elevator and rode up to the eleventh floor. A beak like face peeped out of an apartment midway down the hall. A hand cautiously appeared and waved her over.

  Waddling as quickly as possible, Patience walked to Al where he whisked her inside the apartment, closed the door and locked seven locks, not including the chain.

  “I have the…” Patience said.

  “Wait,” Al said as he slid an iron bar against the door and into a groove in the floor, then looked at Patience. “Tea? It’d herbal.”

  “Please.”

  In the kitchen, Al served a lovely herb tea that was pregnancy safe, along with fresh blueberry scones. “These are wonderful,” Patience said as she munched a scone.

  “A little hobby of mine,” Al said.

  “Baking?”

  “Eating.”

  “Well, you do it very well,” Patience said.

  “Thank you.”

  “About the documents?”

  “Your photos came out very well,” Al said. “A complete set for both of you. Some of my best work.”

  “So, who are we this time?” Patience said.

  “Leonard and Petula Gagnon?” Gavin said as he scanned the documents.

  “Al said it was easier to remember new names if they reminded you of the old ones,” Patience said. “Leonard, Leslie, Patience, Petula, see?”

  At the diner with Ian and Muffie-Jo, Ian was about to say something, when Gavin shot him the look. “Don’t even think about calling me Lenny,” Gavin snapped.

  “Who’s Lenny?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Nobody,” Gavin said.

  “Lee would rather be called Leonard,” Ian said.

  “On this trip, yes,” Gavin said. “Now, I have a detail I’d like to…”

  “Are you nobody or are you Leonard?” Muffie-Jo said to Gavin.

  “Right now I’m short tempered,” Gavin said. “So if we could…”

  “I’m confused,” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Really?” Patience said.

  “It’s simple,” Ian said. “Right now Lee is Lee and Patience is Patience, but when we go to Sweden, Lee becomes
Leonard and Patience is Petula. Got that?”

  Muffie-Jo nodded, looking very much like no one was home upstairs.

  “Maybe we should rethink this?” Ian said.

  “No, she can do it,” Gavin said. “Right, Muffie-Jo?”

  “Absolutely,” Muffie-Jo said.

  “We’re asking a lot,” Ian said.

  “She has a lot to offer,” Gavin said.

  “I do, don’t I?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Muffie-Jo, do you even know what we’re talking about?” Ian said.

  “Of course I do,” Muffie-Jo said. “You’re talking about that thing.”

  Ian looked at Gavin. “We have a million each at stake here.”

  “How much?” Patience said.

  “She can do this, Ian,” Gavin said. “Don’t you have any faith in your wife?”

  “Wait, how much?” Patience said.

  “Yeah, don’t you have any faith in your wife?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “You are my wife,” Ian said.

  “I knew that,” Muffie-Jo said.

  Gavin sighed. “Okay, Muffie-Jo, there’s no doubt in my mind you can cause enough of a distraction to get us inside. It’s the communication I’m concerned about.”

  “Communication?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Once we’re separated, we need to stay in touch or at least we need to be able to hear you,” Gavin said.

  “We could wire her for sound?” Ian said.

  Gavin looked at Muffie-Jo’s breasts, then turned his head to look at Ian.

  “Right,” Ian said.

  “We need the Wheezer,” Gavin and Ian said in unison.

  TWELVE

  Ian drove his late model Ford Mustang across the 59th Street Bridge into Queens, then skirted onto Queens Boulevard toward the neighborhood of Rego Park. Gavin sat next to Ian and stared out his window, lost in thought.

  Muffie-Jo and Patience sat in back and passed the time by filing each other’s nails with an emery board.

  “I’m kind of surprised Wheezer took a meeting on such short notice,” Ian said.

  Gavin turned his head to Ian. “I told him we’d give him five grand for just taking the meeting, that’s why.”

  “Who is this Wheezer and why haven’t I heard of him before?” Patience said.