Dodos

by Al Lamanda

  Fubar was suddenly by Gavin’s side. “I tried to rescue her, but it was like sharks on a wounded sea turtle.”

  “Where’s Mike the Magnificent?” Gavin said.

  “Hop up on a chair,” Fubar suggested.

  Gavin pulled a chair from a table and stood on it. At the center of the surrounding group of men, Mike the Magnificent performed magic tricks to the delight of Muffie-Jo and the delight of the group of men who eyed her like Fubar’s sharks.

  As Mike the Magnificent pulled a gold coin out of Muffie-Jo’s left ear, she clapped her hands, giggled and said, “Again.”

  “Oh for,” Gavin said and stepped down from the chair.

  “Again!” Muffie-Jo cried from inside the sea of men.

  “She’s like a female black hole, swallowing up everything what gets close,” Fubar said.

  “Wait a minute, where’s your table?” Gavin said.

  Fubar pointed to a table beside the window. “That one right there.”

  “Is that her purse?” Gavin said.

  “Well, it ain’t mine,” Fubar said. “What, you think I’m Ian?”

  Gavin removed the egg from his pocket and placed it in Fubar’s right hand. “Put this in her purse, then get out of here as soon as possible.”

  “I was planning on taking her for coffee and cake after the show,” Fubar said. “That’s what a gentleman does.”

  “Have you gone crazy?” Gavin said. “Just bring her home. I promise we’ll have a nice Junior’s cheesecake and coffee ready for you.”

  “Make it half chocolate,” Fubar said.

  “Fine.”

  “With strawberries on the plain side.”

  Gavin glared at Fubar. “I’ll decorate it with silver dollars if you just get her home.”

  “That won’t be necessary,” Fubar said.

  In the rental car, Patience chewed three pieces of chocolate as she watched the street. “Looks like…smack…smack…smack…they’re taking…smack, smack…him to a …smack…hospital…smack…smack,” she said.

  Seated next to Patience, Ian chomped on a mouthful of caramel. “Lee…slurp…slurp…slurp…was right. I know…slurp…slurp…at least…slurp…ten cops…slurp…slurp…out there,” he said.

  Behind Ian, Wheezer said, “Pass me some more of those chocolate creams.”

  “And them maple walnut bars,” Snafu said.

  “Them filled with peanut butter are mine,” Double D said.

  Ian passed the box over his shoulder and said, “Well, there goes the ambulance. Where the hell is Lee?”

  “There,” Patience said. “I see him. Let me get another caramel.”

  The moment Gavin stepped out of the comedy club, he recognized at least ten cops he knew by first name, including Lieutenant Dan Wetzel. Gavin looked to his right and spotted the rental with Patience behind the wheel. He put his head down and walked three steps before Wetzel spotted him.

  “Gavin?” Wetzel said. “Lee Gavin.”

  Gavin slowly turned to his left. A smiling Wetzel stood less than six feet from him. “Lieutenant,” Gavin said as way of greeting.

  Wetzel walked to Gavin with his right hand outstretched. “What are you doing here?” he said.

  Gavin took Wetzel’s hand. They shook and broke apart. “The wife and I were taking in the magic show,” Gavin said.

  “I’ve seen it,” Wetzel said. “It’s excellent. Too bad about all this. Say, where is the little woman? I’d like to say hello.”

  “Over there in that car with her brother and some friends,” Gavin said.

  “Say, you’re not mad at me for that last pinch, are you?” Wetzel said. “I was just doing my job, you know. It was nothing personal, Lee. I think the world of you, you know that.”

  “I know that, Dan,” Gavin said. “Those three years were the best thing ever happened to me, besides marrying the misses. I’m on the straight now and in fact, I’ll be a father in another seven weeks.”

  “No kidding,” Wetzel beamed. “Let me go congratulate the misses.”

  In the rental, Patience, Ian, Wheezer, Double D and Snafu watched Gavin stand around talking to Wetzel.

  “What the hell is he doing?” Snafu said.

  “Catching up on old times,” Ian said.

  “What old times?” Patience said.

  “Lieutenant Wetzel is the cop who sent Lee away his last stretch of three years,” Ian said.

  “Oh, really?” Patience said.

  “They look like golfing buddies,” Snafu said.

  “Lee was right about ditching the egg with Muffie-Jo,” Ian said.

  “Don’t look now, but they’re coming over here,” Wheezer said.

  “What for, why?” Snafu said.

  “They look pretty chummy for a cop and a crook,” Patience said.

  “I’d like to blow the sumbitch to kingdom come,” Double D said.

  As Gavin and Wetzel approached the rental, Gavin motioned for Patience to lower the window. She pushed a button and the window went down.

  “P, this is my old friend Lieutenant Dan Wetzel,” Gavin said. “Dan, this is my wife Patience.”

  “What a lovely name, Mrs. Gavin,” Wetzel said. “I just wanted to congratulate you on the upcoming birth of your first child.”

  Patience shrugged her shoulders. “Thank you,” she said.

  “Dan and I go way back,” Gavin said. “Fifteen, sixteen years at least.”

  “I believe it was that warehouse job on Eleventh Avenue,” Wetzel said.

  “Oh, that’s right,” Gavin said. “You were uniform back then and you pinched me with an armload of TV sets.”

  “More like a truckload,” Wetzel said.

  “What happened?” Gavin said. “I don’t remember.”

  “Ah, well, I screwed up,” Wetzel said. “I forgot to read you your rights and the judge threw it out of court.”

  “Oh, I remember now,” Gavin said. “I’m sorry about that.”

  Wetzel shrugged. “I was young.”

  “Well, I’m going to take the little woman home, Dan,” Gavin said and extended his right hand to Wetzel. They shook warmly.

  “Again, my congratulations, Mrs. Gavin,” Wetzel said.

  “Again, thank you,” Patience said.

  “Scoot over, hon, I’ll drive,” Gavin said.

  Wetzel returned to the burning car in the window of the Science Club where firefighters were hosing it down.

  Gavin got behind the wheel and started the engine.

  “Little woman?” Patience said.

  “Hey,” Gavin said and eased the rental away from the curb.

  “So that guy caused me to have three very long and lonely years,” Patience said.

  “Don’t hold it against him,” Gavin said. “He’s a very sincere fellow who believes in what he’s doing.”

  “But, he put you in prison!” Patience snapped.

  “No reason we can’t be friends,” Gavin said.

  Patience looked at Ian, who was scrunched against the door. “What do you think?”

  “I think I need another box of chocolates,” Ian said.

  “That reminds me,” Gavin said. “We need a cheesecake. Anybody know where we can get one at this hour?”

  In the comedy club, Mike the Magnificent continued performing on the floor while the police and fire department took care of the mess outside on the street. He did card tricks, coin tricks, told jokes and thoroughly entertained the captive audience, which took special delight in the blonde’s childlike reactions to his magic.

  She laughed. She giggled. She clapped her hands and said, “Again.” when he pulled a coin out of her ear. Most of all, what she did was breathe and with each breath she took, every male eye followed the rising and falling of her chest.

  The woman was, Mike the Magnificent realized, a gold mine. With seating capacity in the club limited to a mere three hundred, his only means of increasing revenue was to raise ticket prices, something he couldn’t justify in today’s economy. But, with
a beautiful, very empty-headed assistant on stage, ticket prices could easily double, not to mention a fifteen percent hike in drinks and food.

  Of course, his plan depended upon two things. The first was that she had stage presence and of that, he had no doubt. The blonde attracted men the way bread attracts ducks. It was the second thing, her ability to learn tricks and perform on stage that was his real concern.

  Mike the Magnificent decided to test his concern.

  “While the police and fire department deal with the situation outside, I’d like to take a moment and demonstrate slight of hand up close and personal,” Mike the Magnificent said and looked directly into Muffie-Jo’s baby blues. “To do so, I need a volunteer.”

  Muffie-Jo stared back at Mike the Magnificent.

  Three hundred people waited.

  “Me?” Muffie-Jo finally said.

  “If you would be so kind,” Mike the Magnificent said.

  “Umm, I guess so,” Muffie-Jo said.

  One hundred and fifty men immediately buzzed with excitement, except for Fubar, who started to feel a bit queasy.

  One hundred and fifty wives and girlfriends immediately went into cat mode.

  “What is your name dear lady?” Mike the Magnificent said.

  A long pause.

  “Me?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “I ask no other,” Mike the Magnificent said.

  “You talk funny,” Muffie-Jo giggled, further arousing the men and aggravating the cats to a new level. “Margaret-Josephine, but, everybody calls me Muffie-Jo.”

  One hundred and fifty men collectively sighed.

  “Muffie-Jo,” Mike the Magnificent said. Perfect, he thought. He could see the marquee in his mind. Mike the Magnificent featuring his lovely assistant Muffie-Jo. “Would you be so kind as to fetch your handbag?” he said.

  Fubar looked at the table where Muffie-Jo’s handbag rested in plain sight. The queasy sensation in his stomach just got queasier.

  Muffie-Jo grabbed her purse and held it open in front of Mike the Magnificent.

  “Be so kind as to take hold of an item,” Mike the Magnificent requested.

  “You talk funny,” Muffie-Jo giggled as she reached into her purse and grabbed her lipstick.

  “Excellent,” Mike the Magnificent said. “Be so kind as to demonstrate for our audience that the item is for real and not a prop.”

  Muffie-Jo stared at Mike the Magnificent.

  “For God’s sake, put some on!” a male voice cried from the crowd. A loud slap immediately followed.

  “Oh,” Muffie-Jo said. She removed the cap, extended the peach colored lipstick, pursed her lips and coated them, then delicately ran her tongue over the new coat.

  Collectively, one hundred and fifty men sighed again.

  A gold mine, Mike the Magnificent thought. “Replace the cap and hold it in your open palm for all to see.”

  Muffie-Jo held the lipstick in her left palm, slowly spinning to give all a good view.

  “Now place your right hand above your left palm, but don’t touch,” Mike the Magnificent said.

  Muffie-Jo held her left palm a few inches above the right palm. Mike the Magnificent slowly passed his open right palm over Muffie-Jo hands, then held his open, empty hands up and said, “Now clap.”

  Muffie-Jo clapped her empty hands together. Stunned, she looked wide-eyed at Mike the Magnificent. “Again,” she cried with delight.

  “Yeah, yeah, again!” a male voice cried, which, of course was followed by another loud slap.

  “What else have you in there?” Mike the Magnificent asked.

  Muffie-Jo grabbed her cell phone.

  “Toss it in the air,” Mike the Magnificent commanded.

  Muffie-Jo tossed the cell phone above her head. As the phone reached its downward arc, Mike the Magnificent waved his hands and the phone vanished before the astonished crowds eyes.

  “Again! Again!” Muffie-Jo cried as she clapped her hands with glee.

  “What do you say, folks, one more time?” Mike the Magnificent said.

  “Again! Again!” one hundred and fifty men cried.

  Mike the Magnificent nodded to Muffie-Jo, who, lost in the excitement of the moment, grabbed the one thing in her purse she shouldn’t have.

  The Dodo Egg.

  Fubar closed his eyes and sighed.

  For a brief moment, Mike the Magnificent was mystified as to why this gorgeous creature carried a hardboiled egg in her purse, but he recovered quickly. “Forget your lunch?” he joked.

  Fubar opened his eyes and looked in fright at the Dodo egg.

  “Oh, no,” Muffie-Jo said. “This is a Dodo egg.”

  “Are you sure?” Mike the Magnificent said, having no idea what a Dodo egg was.

  Muffie-Jo nodded.

  “Hold it between your hands,” Mike the Magnificent said.

  Muffie-Jo clutched the egg in her outstretched hands.

  “Tightly,” Mike the Magnificent said.

  Muffie-Jo clutched the egg as tight as she could. Mike the Magnificent waved his hands over Muffie-Jo’s, then tapped her hand and said, “Slowly, open your hands.”

  Muffie-Jo cracked her fingers a bit and slowly, a feathered tail peeked out. “Goodness,” she said as she opened her hands to reveal a beautiful turtledove.

  Fubar’s head sank to his chest.

  Mike the Magnificent waved a finger and the turtledove flew onto his shoulder to Muffie-Jo’s delight.

  At the precise moment, the front door smashed in and several police and firemen rushed in. “Sorry, folks, but we have to evacuate everyone immediately.”

  “But, my…” Fubar said.

  “But, nothing, mister,” A police officer said. “That fire next door is gonna blow any minute. Everybody out and I mean now.”

  Herded out to the street with the crowd, Fubar stood with Muffie-Jo and searched high and low for Mike the Magnificent, but the man had disappeared.

  Right along with Gavin’s million-dollar egg.

  TWENTY-SIX

  Perspective is a funny thing. A group of people can see the same thing happening at the same time and each can have a different viewpoint and understanding of the event. That is the reason why eyewitness testimony is so often unreliable to police investigating a crime. One witness claims the suspect is six foot two, while another suspect says five foot six. Rarely do people see right what is under their own nose.

  For instance, Ian saw nothing but the sixty dollar, chocolate/vanilla/strawberry cheesecake uncut on his kitchen table. If drool were currency, he could pay next months rent with it.

  Double D noticed the tiny flutter in Gavin’s left eyelid. It started shortly after Fubar began his tale of woe. Just a slight flutter at first, barely noticeable. After a minute or so, the eyelid fluttered faster and faster, like the wings of a hummingbird. Double D didn’t know what it meant, just that it wasn’t good.

  Snafu noticed, as his cousin Fubar talked more and more that Gavin’s entire face appeared to lock up as if suddenly frozen. Most noticeable was the jaw. It appeared locked tighter than a vault door. He didn’t know what it meant, just that it wasn’t good.

  Wheezer picked up on the strange flush that started at the bottom of Gavin’s neck and steadily rose up to cover the entire left side of his face. After a few minutes, the strange flush took on the color of overcooked veal. Wheezer didn’t know what it meant, just that it wasn’t good.

  Fubar didn’t notice anything as he kept his eyes upon the floor the entire time he spoke. He knew that if he looked up, it wouldn’t be good.

  Muffie-Jo didn’t notice anything, either, but for a different reason than Fubar. She lost interest in the story. I mean, after all, she was there and knew the ending, so why listen. Instead, she thought about the slight earwax buildup problem she was experiencing in her left ear and what she could do about it. She knew that if she let the wax sit and continue to build up that it wouldn’t be good.

  Patience, on the other hand noticed everything. A
fter all, she’d known Gavin most of her life and knew all his little quirks and nuances and what they meant. For instance, the fluttering eyelid signaled his annoyance level was rising. The flushing of his skin told her his body temperature was rising along with his temper. The clenching of the jaw was his way of trying to maintain control, but when she heard teeth crack; she knew it was a lost cause. Last, but not least, the purple vein on his neck started to bulge. It grew and traveled up the side of his neck to his forehead. She looked close. It started to pulsate.

  Under normal conditions, those conditions being they were alone and she was not seven months pregnant, this would have had a happy ending for Patience. As Gavin was wired to never raise a hand to a woman for any reason, and there was an absence of another man nearby for him to pound on, his pent up aggression would release in the form of sexually steamrolling her until they both passed out from exhaustion.

  However, those conditions weren’t present, much to her dismay, so when the purple vein in his neck and forehead started to pulsate wildly, Patience shouted, “He’s gonna blow!”

  Without hesitation, Ian grabbed the cheesecake off the table and jumped backward.

  Muffie-Jo, her left finger in her ear, went wide-eyed and froze in place.

  Seated next to Ian, Double D and Wheezer jumped up and back next to Ian.

  Fubar raised his eyes and looked at Gavin as Gavin demonstrated his athletic prowess by jumping from his chair over the table and onto Fubar in one mighty leap.

  A sound came from Gavin’s throat that was unidentifiable as a human tone as he grabbed Fubar by the neck, lifted him entirely off the floor and shook him like a Raggedy Ann doll.

  “Grab him!” Patience cried. “Quick.”

  Double D, Wheezer and Snafu looked at each other.

  “Us?” Snafu said.

  “Me?” Wheezer said. “I have asthma.”

  “I’m an old man,” Double D said.

  As Gavin shook Fubar, his grip tightened around Fubar’s neck and Patience could actually see the man’s head start to swell from the pressure.

  “Goodness,” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Ian!” Patience yelled.

  Holding the cheesecake in one hand and a fork in another, Ian said, “Hey, I’m not getting in the middle of that. Are you crazy?”