Tigers on the Way

by Sean Kennedy

  His reflection closed in on me in the window and his arms wrapped around my waist. It was the first proper smile I had seen on him since the hospital.

  “No guilt,” he whispered, burying his chin into my neck.

  I closed my hands over his, and we stared out into the dark night, which burst into flame again as another fireball launched.

  “Let’s get into those robes,” I said.

  Dec already had them in arm’s reach.

  DEC ORDERED room service as I admired how the robe felt on my bare skin. It didn’t feel like a normal bathrobe. It felt like clouds picked especially from heaven and spun into silk.

  “I could get used to this.” My foot dangled off the bed as I checked my phone. It had buzzed earlier, but I ignored it because my mind was still reeling from the fireballs making our own personal sky show.

  “Oh shit.”

  “What?” Dec asked, putting the handset back on the phone.

  “It’s Fran.”

  “What’s she saying?”

  “That she hoped I was well. She’d heard from Coby I hadn’t been to work for two days.”

  “This is why I told you,” he said patiently, “to let them know what’s going on.”

  “Let’s not start that argument again.”

  As he walked back to the bed, I had a vision of undoing his robe’s belt and letting the robe itself fall open. He was lying next to me before I could do it. “Well, what are you going to say, then?”

  “That I’m fine and will be back to work next week.”

  He watched me type out the text. “I thought you would have been itching to go back tomorrow.”

  “Are you kidding? I want to enjoy this place for as long as possible. Can you maybe work your magic and get us a late checkout?”

  He reached over and took my phone off me. “Good. I was hoping you would say that.”

  I snuggled in closer to him. “I’m sorry I’ve been such an antsy prick today.”

  “Only today?” He laughed, and I felt it reverberate throughout his warm chest.

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  “I wish this room was a magic bubble,” I said, threading my right leg between his and locking us together. “That time moved slower and we could spend a month in here and emerge into reality only a day later.”

  “It would be nice. But we’re going to get through this, Simon.”

  I didn’t want us to start dwelling morosely again, so I kissed him. He eagerly kissed me back, and when my body started to respond in the natural fashion, I winced slightly as skin pulled together against stitching.

  “Are you okay?” Dec asked worriedly.

  “This is the worst fucking place to have surgery,” I grunted. “Well, I guess it could be worse. No, strike that, it’s a pretty fucking awful place to have it.”

  Dec laughed, despite himself, and the more he tried to stop, the more he laughed.

  So we only held each other. But it was better than sex. The love I felt in that moment was stronger than ever, and I had often thought throughout the years that I could never possibly love Declan Tyler any more than I already did, but here we were—in a luxury hotel suite, half-dressed and half-giddy with love, with a painful ball sac.

  If only the magic bubble existed.

  I WAS sated from a delicious dinner and some long luxurious cuddles and kisses with Dec that probably were just as pain-inducing as actual sex would have been. The thought of lying in this double king-size bed with Dec all night already felt like the best holiday ever. Especially when dessert was brought up half an hour after dinner with a cheese and fruit plate as a cleanser.

  “I should have biopsies more often.” I sighed, and Dec shut me up with another kiss. “No, seriously, I feel bad.”

  “About what?”

  “Do you know how amazing it is to have a hotel room like this? I feel like Fran and Roger, and Abe and Lisa, should be here.”

  “So much for the romantic night away,” Dec mused.

  “I guess.”

  “Come on, you were the one saying you didn’t want them to know anything. They might find it a bit weird we’re staying where we are if we told them.”

  “True. Besides, the only person I want to be with right now is already here.”

  “That’s what I like to hear,” he said, his lips brushing against my collarbone.

  “Although it would be even better if Maggie were here. I miss her.”

  His hot laugh was now upon my neck. “You know, I think you’re possibly the slippery slope argument against equal marriage. You’d marry Maggie before you’d marry me.”

  “Not true,” I countered. “We’d be a polygamous throuple. And we’d have our own little heaven together, like the Mormons in Big Love.”

  He nibbled at my neck, ensuring there would be a mark there in the morning. “Nah. I’m not sharing you with anyone.”

  “Keep doing that,” I instructed him, grinning like an idiot at his statement. “It’s nice.”

  His hands were at my waist, untying the robe.

  “As much as I’d like to,” I said, “I really don’t think—”

  “I just want to see it,” he said.

  I tried to pull away. “No, I really—I mean, I feel like I’m wearing a diaper.”

  “You know I don’t care.” But his hands had paused.

  I could see he really needed to do this. And why should I feel vulnerable and ashamed or embarrassed in front of him? I had seen him through many operations due to football injury and had never shied away no matter how gross or upsetting they were.

  I nodded, and he pulled the belt free. He gingerly pulled the robe apart, and I was exposed as the cold air conditioning hit my skin. One of his hands was resting against the sparse hairs on my chest, the other on my hip. His gaze was warm and compassionate as he took me in.

  “How is it?” I asked, not really wanting to know.

  He looked up at me. “Still as beautiful as ever.”

  I wanted to have some knee-jerk cynical comeback, but I couldn’t muster one. He nuzzled my neck, warming my skin.

  And then there was wetness along with the warmth, and I realised with horror he’d started crying.

  “I’m sorry,” he shuddered as I pulled him up to face me.

  “Don’t,” I pleaded, kissing his tears away.

  “I should be the one comforting you. And I meant it. You’re beautiful, and you better be okay from now on.”

  “I will be,” I promised him, and pulled his head up so he had to look at me. “We comfort each other. That’s the way it goes in a partnership.” I sat up, and he did too. I pulled his belt free and pulled the robe down off his shoulders until it lay in a rumpled heap behind him. Then I quickly discarded my own, and we lay naked against each other, so there were no barriers between us and no way we could be closer unless we fused together.

  I used the remote to turn out the lights and we lay in the darkness without a word, our skin the only communication we needed.

  The fireballs lit up the room again, the last set of the night.

  Chapter Nine

  YOU GUYS are acting really weird. Is something wrong?

  This time, the text was from Roger.

  It wasn’t the only one we’d received lately. From outward appearances we had dropped off the map, wanting to remain in our own little bubble. Dec did some little odd jobs around the house while I exploited my aching balls and camped out on the couch watching Netflix. Dec would join me every now and again, and I would start using him as a recliner. It was where I felt the best.

  A touch of the summer flu, I texted back. Don’t want to infect anybody.

  That seemed to do the trick, at least for Fran and Roger. They lived in terror of their kids getting sick. I guess Dec and I had that to look forward to in future. If there was a future.

  Okay, so I admit to letting the occasional dark thought cross my mind. But most times I did a pretty good job keeping those thoughts at bay.

  My parents we
re still in the dark. Dec kept telling me off and threatening to do it himself, but I stuck my head in the sand and pretended it was all good and would all work itself out in the end.

  And Coby?

  Well, Coby was the biggest pain in my arse, seeing as all of my work was falling upon his shoulders. Usually Coby was unflappable, but the pressure was getting to him. I did some work from home, but it was usually emailed to me with an accompaniment of wishes from Coby that I would get better soon and be back in the office. Especially as he was in the early stages of coordinating a permanent move to the GetOut building. Luckily Will could help him with some of it, which was mainly just arranging transportation and pickup. Dec had to start pretending he had caught the flu as well, because Will was starting to wonder about his lack of presence at the GetOut meetings and training sessions with the kids.

  I hated to think how much pressure Coby would be under if I had to take an indefinite leave of absence, although maybe if he had to step up without the worry of my imminent return to work, he might thrive in the position.

  So, no, I still hadn’t told him either.

  Then came the call from one of Dec’s sisters, Maeve.

  “Hello, Simon,” she said with an uncharacteristically wavering voice. “How are you?”

  “Good, thanks.” I wondered why she was calling my mobile and not her brother’s.

  “I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”

  “I’m fine, thank you,” I replied automatically, although the penny was starting to drop.

  “And you know we’re all here for you, no matter what, right?” That was when she started to cry. “You’re another brother to me.”

  Tears started to prick away in me, but I had to remain coherent. “Thank you. And likewise. Except I don’t think of you as a brother; oh, you know what I mean.”

  She managed a laugh. “I know, Simon.”

  We talked for a little while longer, and I knew she was worried about Dec as well. “He holds things in too much, doesn’t he? And he loves you so much, I don’t know what he would do if….”

  That was when I had to put an end to the conversation. These were not words I wanted to hear or thoughts I wanted to have. Unless I was the one voicing them in the secrecy of my mind.

  And it looked like my secret was getting out. Just like Dec had said it would.

  It shat me when he was right.

  DEC WAS whistling—whistling!—to himself as he fiddled with a drawer in the kitchen cabinet.

  He was unprepared for the Richmond teddy bear I threw at him. Not that it would have done him any damage, but it activated the Tigers theme song when it made contact, which made him jump and hit his head on the shelf above. “What the hell?”

  When he looked at me, he could tell I was seething. “What’s wrong?”

  “You told Maeve,” I accused him.

  He looked guilty but spoke angrily. “What do you want me to do? Tell you I’m sorry? I’m not.”

  “I said you could tell your mother! And your father knew, of course. Why did you have to tell the rest of your family—”

  “They’re your family too,” Dec reminded me.

  I wasn’t even listening. “Oh fuck, what if they tell my family?”

  “Who are also my family.”

  “Jesus, Dec! This is exactly what I didn’t want!”

  This is what it all had come to: us screaming at each other in our still-unfinished kitchen. This was definitely a low point.

  “What about what I want?” Dec asked, and his cheeks were red. I hadn’t seen him this angry in years. “I was talking to her, and she knew something was wrong! It’s that bloody sixth sense of hers—”

  “Mystic Maeve just knew, did she?” I was furious, and I was ready to pull a Declan. To grab my keys and run away. “I needed a few days of peace!”

  He looked like I’d slapped him. “I wanted support. From someone other than my mother. And if it couldn’t be Abe, it had to be my sister.”

  That broke me. He was holding back the tears, and it immediately made me forgive him, even though there wasn’t anything to be forgiven. Not really.

  “I wanted her to tell me everything was going to be okay, because there has never been one time in our life together, Simon, that I thought it wouldn’t be, no matter what happened to us.”

  I could still feel the distance between us. “It is going to be okay.”

  “We don’t know that.”

  “I do.”

  “Stop lying, Simon! Just fucking admit you’re scared and worried! That I’m not the only one!”

  I crossed the barrier and took him in my arms. “I can’t let myself think like that. Not out loud.”

  “You can to me.”

  I leaned back to look at him and gave him what he wanted. “I’m scared.”

  The admission calmed him a little. “Me too.”

  “Does it make you feel any better to hear me say that?”

  He shook his head, unable to talk.

  “Me either.”

  So I kissed him instead.

  I SHOULDN’T have gotten angry at him. He had every right to find somebody neutral to talk with about everything we had just found out. I had been dwelling on myself, but what’s new? I didn’t want to put up with all of the questions, the worried glances, the pity that would start coming my way.

  “It’s not pity,” Dec said when I told him that. “It’s empathy. There’s a huge difference.”

  “I’m not going to lie to you,” I replied. “It makes me uncomfortable.”

  “I know that. Jesus, Simon, I know you.” He sighed, and I hated to see the effect the worst quirks of my personality could have on him. “But people love you. And this is the worst time to push them away.”

  “I better call my parents,” I said.

  “This isn’t something to tell them over the phone.”

  “You’ll come with me to their place, yeah?”

  Dec rolled his eyes. “Of course I will.”

  I kissed him and went to grab my wallet.

  While I was in our bedroom, our intercom for the front door buzzed. My head shot up. And I knew. I just knew.

  When I ran back to the kitchen, Dec was already on the handset and speaking into it. “Oh, hi, guys. Buzzing you in.”

  As he turned to face me, I could tell I was right by his expression alone.

  “Fuck,” I hissed. “Someone must have sent up a smoke signal.”

  “Buckle up,” Dec said and reached for my hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

  We presented a united front as we unlocked the front door. My family, and I mean all of them, had trekked through the security entrance and were now waiting to be let into the house. And they looked pissed. Even Gabby, who I don’t think I’d seen frown since Patrick died of an untreated brain bleed after he was hit by a car in Offspring. I kind of wished I was Patrick right then. They must have left the kids at her mum’s, as my own looked like she was ready to slap me. Tim and my dad hung back a little from them, knowing to stay out of the way of the Murray women’s wrath lest they be cut down by friendly fire.

  No greetings, no salutations. “How dare you,” my mother said.

  “Hi, Mum,” I replied.

  “Hi, Barb,” Dec said, sounding a little scared. I didn’t blame him.

  “Don’t you try and butter me up.” She turned on Dec. “I know he probably made you do it, but you’re just as bad in my book.”

  “Do you want to come in, or do you want to keep entertaining the neighbours?” I asked.

  She pushed past me. “I would stop being flip if I were you.”

  “I’d do what she says,” said Tim as he passed me. “You know what she can be like.”

  Mum turned on him, and he actually flinched.

  “By the way, I’m pissed at you too,” he said quickly and ran in.

  No hug or kiss from Gabby, nor did she give any to Dec. Things were bad.

  “Hi, son,” Dad said.

  “Hey, Dad.”<
br />
  “Declan.” Dad nodded.

  “Hey, Pat,” Dec replied.

  I thought that was probably all we were going to get out of him for now, unless he managed to slip in a reference to the weather. At least some things never changed. Dad would let Mum speak for the both of them, although he was likely just as furious.

  He patted both of our shoulders as he entered. That was a friendly gesture that hadn’t been forthcoming from the others.

  Dec and I were left standing at the door, staring at each other.

  “You know how I hated it when you used to run away from a problem?” I asked.

  He rolled his eyes. I was surprised they hadn’t popped out and rolled down the street by now, going anyplace but here.

  “No, seriously, I’m starting to think it’s the best course of action. Let’s take off.”

  Dec took me by the arm as if we were a courting Victorian couple. “You made me see the error of my ways. Let’s not backslide.”

  “Great. Way to go, Dec, being all mature and shit.”

  He managed to laugh. He probably knew he wouldn’t be doing that again for the next hour or two.

  “HOW COULD either of you not tell us?” Mum demanded as she stood watching Dec and me make coffees and put out snacks. She followed us from the kitchen to the lounge and back again each time we had to move between them. Because the spaces were open plan, the others didn’t have to work that hard at eavesdropping. Besides, Mum obviously wanted to make this argument as public as possible.

  “Do you know how I found out?” Mum asked.

  I had pretty much already guessed, but I let her say it.

  “Dec’s mother! His mother knew before your own did! She rang me up mother to mother, wanting to know if I was okay because she was sure you would have told me by now!”

  “To be fair,” Dec said, “it was my fault my mother knew. Simon asked me not to tell anyone.” That was only a half truth, probably said to save my bacon a little, as permission had eventually been granted by me.

  If my mother’s eyes had been Julie Bishop laser quality, Dec would have been fried on the spot. “And you listened to him?”