by A B Turner
“Do you think you’ll ever find the perfect man ?” she asked.
“Well, if it’s a choice between Hugh and Colin, who knows ?” I replied, while stacking the plates.
“No seriously, do you think there’s someone out there who you’ll fall hopelessly in love with ?” she persisted, I paused to look at her,
“I have no idea, but if Johnny Depp ever turns up, you’re on your own,” I laughed, but her slightly worried expression caused me to stop,
“What’s all this really about ?” I asked gently.
“I just worry about you being alone,” she answered, suddenly looking like a little girl again, I hugged her and assured her I would be fine, because if all else failed, I could become a ‘crazy cat lady,’ with that I playfully ordered her off to bed. As I switched off the lights and went to my room, she called out that she loved me,
“Love you more,” I replied, repeating a night time ritual that had been in place since she had been old enough to speak, I tucked under the warm bed cover. A while later, I glanced up the hallway and saw Lainie’s bedroom light go off, I rolled over and stared up at the ceiling, despite everything, all the obvious improvements I had made, I still had that cold, empty feeling deep inside me somewhere, and I knew if there was ever going to be lasting change, I had to fill it or, at least, make it less obvious. Although I had never believed you could only find happiness within the confines of a relationship, both Kat and Lainie had suggested maybe this was what my life was lacking, sex had not been the answer...but love ? I rolled over again, what did I know ? All that running after someone in the rain to declare your undying love only happened in movies, real life was nothing like that, surely real life was about one person loving and the other being loved. All that time I had spent with Steve, for all his bravado, there had been something vulnerable about him ,so I tried to do what he wanted, be understanding, even to the point of blaming myself when he raged against me, because I had failed somehow, I had done all of that simply because I believed I loved him.
As I lay there alone, when I said those words to myself, I suddenly realised, that wasn’t love, it never had been, even those rare calm times, when Steve had told me, he loved me, I had nodded, grateful for the words, but deep in the back of my mind, I had never really believed him.......in fact, I had never really believed anyone other than Lainie and Kat. I sat up in bed, and although I was in a darkened room, it felt as if a light had been switched on, all these years I had been so grateful for a few moments of attention, like one of those dogs under the dinner table, hungrily jumping on any scraps that might fall from the table. I had been that desperate, I had even had sex with Phil, a man I didn’t like, just to hear him talk about my breasts, or how good I was at a blow-job. As this reality hit home, I felt like shouting and screaming at myself,
“How could you have been so unbelievably stupid ? Thought so little of yourself !”
But it was 2.00 a.m., so I just punched my pillow and slumped back down. I had been such a hypocrite, all those times I had talked to Lainie about having self-respect, never allowing anyone to treat you badly, and yet, here I was, handing myself to anyone who could spare five minutes , I punched the pillow again,
“Are you OK, Mum ?” Lainie’s drowsy voiced called.
“I’m fine, bad dream,” I called back, I listened for a moment, but when there was no answer, I knew she had gone back to sleep, so I switched on a lamp and opened the drawer of the bedside table to find the magazine I had bought in London.
When I found it, I rested back on my pillow and looked at the cover picture of Vanessa,
“Why had it been different with you ?” I whispered.
After all, we had just had sex, we had never exchanged contact details, or promised to meet again, there had certainly been absolutely no mention of love, and yet, despite all that, being with her, how she had made me feel, was unlike anyone else I had ever known...and I didn’t know why. I carefully put the magazine away, switched off the lamp and once again, lay in the darkness, the answer was obvious, I had to see her again, just one more time, like before, if I was to move forward, yet again, I would have to go back. It had worked once, it would work again, with this decision made, I pulled the covers tightly round my head and fell asleep, resolving to worry about how I was going to make this happen, in the morning.
Over breakfast, as Lainie was, as usual, checking her emails, so as casually as possible, I asked how a person might find out where a celebrity was at any given time. Lainie looked up, clearly puzzled by my enquiry, so I told her about the two girls I had met in London and they had mentioned a fan website.
“Oh right ,” Lainie replied, “They’re run by probably slightly obsessive people who spend every waking moment tracing their favourite person, why do you ask ?”
I tried to sound dismissive by saying when they had mentioned the site, I hadn’t really known what they were talking about so I was asking her. Lainie smiled,
“I’m not going to come home tonight and you’ve gone off to hunt down Johnny Depp then ?”
I shook my head,
“You know, as well as I do, I’m playing hard to get with him, he’s got to come and find me !” I laughed, with that, Lainie left the table and prepared to leave for the day.
“Are you working today ?” she called.
“Not until later, why ?”
“It’s just the iPad needs charging, so can I leave it here ? I’ll pick it up at lunch,” she asked, I agreed, then after a quick goodbye, the front door slammed and she had gone.
As soon as I was ready for work, I switched on the iPad and started to search for Vanessa's fansite, after wading through several which were clearly run by people who loved every minute detail of her life, I finally found one which seemed relatively normal with a calendar of her predicted whereabouts. I glanced up at the clock, I quickly realised, I should have left for work ten minutes ago, so I quickly printed off a copy, switched everything off and left for the day.
It was much later in the afternoon, when I had a free moment to see if there were any possible times, where I could find some way of seeing her. As I scanned down the list, for a brief moment, I did feel faintly ridiculous, but I was also sure this was the only way, after all, if I relied on chance, we would never meet again. As I read, my heart started to sink, almost every country in the world seemed to be there, an awards ceremony in one city, closely followed by a charity function half way round the world, obviously, Frank had not been exaggerating. I felt defeated, last night, it had seemed almost straightforward and easy, but the reality was infinitely more complicated....not to mention, hopeless. I wandered sadly to towards the waste bin , ripping the sheet up, when I suddenly noticed the word ‘London’ on the back, after a few moments of trying to reassemble the paper, it was there, in black and white, she was due to attend a fund-raising event at the end of the month. I punched the air with triumph, those around me looked a bit disconcerted, but I didn’t care, I carefully put the torn paper back into my bag and almost skipped back to work.
For the next weeks, I worked as I had never done before, even staying for over-time, I knew, if I was going to get the time off I needed, I would have to put in the extra hours now. I hardly noticed anyone during the day, all I could think about was going back to London and seeing Vanessa. I had no idea how I was going to achieve this aim, I had decided to work out that part of the plan later. On the rare occasions I did look up, Daniel was there, one lunch time he found me sitting on a bench outside, he gave me a small, foil parcel,
“There you are, I made you a sandwich, haven’t seen you in ages, are you alright ?” he asked, sitting next to me, obviously concerned.
I thanked him for the sandwich and assured him I was fine,
“I’m just really busy, I’m going away at the end of the month..” I began.
“Not for too long, I hope,” he interrupted, his urgent tone, took me back slightly.
“No, just a couple of days, for now, anyway, altho
ugh between you and me, I’m looking for another job,” I confided, Daniel’s face fell,
“I don’t blame you, really, but I’ll miss you when you go,” he added sadly, for a moment, it seemed as if he had something else to say, but quickly changed his mind. I opted not to press him, so I just assured him I would be going nowhere yet, thanked him again and then we went back inside together, both of us knowing there was more to be said, but, without speaking, it had been decided today was not the time.
Chapter 16
After a couple of weeks that had seemingly crawled by, I was on the train and heading back to London, Lainie had been more than a bit suspicious about my apparently sudden decision to make the trip, but after assuring her, I was just hoping to catch up with an old friend, her mind was at ease when I had left. When I arrived, I called Kat , just to say where I was and to promise I would call her when I got back. I tried to sound casual, but, as usual, Kat was not taken in,
“OK, well, you have a good time, and be careful...however special this mystery person is, don’t go jumping in too quick, alright ?”
I assured her I would act with all the restraint of a nun, she snorted with laughter as she said goodbye, with my calls made, I raced off to my hotel, dumped my bags and headed straight to the where the function was to be held. Fortunately, there was none of the madness of the premiere, so I quickly found a place by a barrier, after a quick check with a security guard, it was clear I was in a prime location...all I had to do now, was wait.
As I stood, I watched the press photographers jostle for position, some unfolded step-ladders, which seemed to appear from unfeasibly small bags, others leant on the barrier, there was a distinct air of boredom about them, as if, they would all rather be somewhere else. Occasionally a phone would ring, almost routinely, whoever was the call’s recipient would glance at the screen, grimace and then either switch the phone off or answer, pretend there was static on the line, swear a lot, then turn the phone off, while chuckling with the others. However, as I scanned the group, my gaze landed on one familiar face, it was the pudgy guy from all those months ago, when Vanessa and I had first met, nothing about him seemed to have changed, in fact, I was almost convinced he was wearing the same sweat-stained shirt. Suddenly, our eyes met, he peered across at me, I looked away hurriedly, fearful he might somehow have recognised me, almost as soon as I had convinced myself I was being ridiculous, he was in front of me,
“Don’t I know you ?” he asked, squinting at me closely. I shook my head nervously,
“I never forget a face..and I’ve seen yours before,” he persisted.
“I’ve just got one of those faces !” I replied attempting to make light of his enquiry, still trying to avoid his beady eyes. He inched closer, I could smell his stale, nicotine breath,
“Maybe...but I’m sure I’ve seen....”
“’Ere, stop trying to pull the nice lady, Harry, and get back over here ! What would your missus say, eh ?” yelled one of the other photographers. After one last look, he ambled back to the group and I sighed with relief, then moved slightly further along the barrier to make more of a space between myself and the pack. At first, I tried hard not to look over again at him, as I was sure he was still trying to work out where we had met before, each time I gave in and glanced across, he seemed to be engrossed in his cameras, so I tried to put him out of my mind.
As the streetlights started to switch on, more and more people were gathering behind the barriers and I was relieved I had decided to gain a place early, although, I had been standing there for almost three hours, I was sure it would be worth the effort.As I watched a woman frantically vacumn the red carpet, I could feel my heart starting to beat a little faster, although I still had no plan, just to be here, this close was exciting.
Several TV crews arrived, the photographers all cheered appreciatively when one female presenter blew them a kiss, while others all seemed to be frantically scanning their notes or checking microphones,
“Give us a level !” a rather tense sound engineer, when no-one responded, he muttered a whole raft of obscenities under his breath, then realising he was standing right in front of me, he looked apologetic, pointed at his headphones and mouthed he couldn’t hear anything which was the cause of his problems. I was about to answer, when the first limousine pulled up and all manner of chaos began, everyone seemed to be shouting, the cameras flashed incessantly, the crowd behind me all surged desperately trying to catch a glimpse of every guest. As I was at the front, I could hear the television presenters announcing who had arrived, so I called this information back every so often, with the hope their particular fans would know when to push forward.
Car after car pulled up, but still no Vanessa, I tried not to dwell on that fact and enjoy the general excitement, but after each arrival, it became harder not to acknowledge the sinking feeling, maybe she was not coming after all. During a lull in the activity, the television presenter turned to the camera,
“....still no sign of Vanessa Bonart, here, the actress was expected to be one of the first to arrive, but as I speak to you now.....oh hold on....I can see another car approaching.”
I craned my neck round to follow the angle of the camera, I could barely breathe as the huge limousine pulled up, the driver leapt out and opened the passenger door, the crowd all gasped as an American singer gracefully emerged from the back seat. She waved enthusiastically, then seemed to glide over to where I was standing, I watched as she made her way along the line signing autographs until she was facing me, her gleaming, white smile almost blinding me,
“Thank you so much for coming,” she said, shaking my hand warmly, before moving on along the barrier, she posed for the bank of photographers and disappeared inside.
“What was she like ?” a young woman asked breathlessly, apparently almost overcome by having such a close encounter with her idol,
“Was she amazing ?” she interrupted, before I had a chance to speak, I looked at her and smiled,
“Yes, she was really lovely,” I answered.
“This is going to sound really stupid, but can I touch your hand, you know the one she did ?” she asked nervously.
“Of course,” I smiled, the young woman grabbed my hand and held it tightly, almost as if she hoped some trace would rub off on her own.
“It’s still warm,” she added, almost wistfully, then released my hand and thanked me,
“All my friends think I’m mad standing here for hours, but you don’t, do you ?” she asked, as she carefully packed away her small camera into her handbag.
“No, I think you’re fine,” I answered reassuringly , she glanced up and smiled, turned and threaded through the rapidly dispersing crowd. I looked over at the photographers, some were packing up, while others were carefully examining their pictures through viewfinders, then the stark reality hit me, it was over, Vanessa was not coming. I buttoned my coat, feeling totally demoralised, I started to walk away, when I overheard two photographers talking,
“So where’s her ladyship then ?” one asked.
“I dunno, although Harry reckons she’s already in there, meeting some sick kids or something,” replied the other.
“Bloody marvellous, she could have come out..or better...let us in so we could have a few shots of her with the kids,” moaned the first.
“S’pose it’s that old chestnut about the kids privacy...” remarked the other, he lifted his camera to show the other man, “Mind you, got a great shot of that tart getting out the car, bit of nipple means I’ll get a bonus !”
Both of them laughed and continued packing their equipment away, I hesitated wondering how I could ask if they were talking about Vanessa without arousing any suspicion. I pretended to check my mobile, hoping they would say more, but then ‘Pudgy’ waddled across to the other two,
“You off then ?” he asked, puffing on a small cigarette that was dangling from his flabby lip,
“Yeah, that’s me done,” answered one.
“No p
oint hanging around for Vanessa, she’s probably got a suite in there, won’t be out again tonight,” added the other, pointing at the hotel. The two younger men started to walk away, I quickly realised this would leave me alone with Pudgy, so I quickly followed in the same general direction, almost totally sure he was watching me leave, but I did not dare to turn round. When I had reached a safe distance, I paused by a shop window, so I could look back without being seen, but he had gone and I exhaled deeply, then went into the nearest coffee shop, as I needed to think of my next move.
When I emerged an hour later, I was relatively sure I had a plan, so I returned to the hotel where the fund raising function was being held. Unlike before, I made my way there through a series of narrow streets, I remembered from my time living in London, to get to the back door, in an effort to avoid arousing any possible unwanted attention. As I watched, a door swung open and a group of kitchen staff bundled out, all gratefully breathing in the night air ,wiping their sweaty faces on stained aprons. They were all chattering excitedly in numerous foreign languages, some smoked while others sat down, gulping water down from plastic bottles. I waited patiently until a voice called from inside and they shuffled back muttering their displeasure at the unwanted interruption, when they had all gone, I rushed across the small courtyard and dived through the door.
The sheer heat hit me like a wall, the noise of clattering plates, angry voices and the endless steam rising from overflowing sinks, almost took my breath away. I quickly dipped down and made my way across the bustling kitchen, my shoes struggling to find any grip on the slippery tiled floor, desperately trying to avoid either being seen or falling over. As I passed the kitchen staff, most barely looked up from their work, those that did, gave me only a quick nod before returning to their duties, but I knew I would not go undetected for long so had to get out of there as soon as possible. I glanced up and, through the steaming haze, saw two pairs of doors, I slid my way to them, trying to decide which exit would be the easiest, therefore less likely to draw attention. I settled on one set, as I reached it, they swung open, clashing me in the face, closely followed by a heavily-laden tray being carried by a tall waiter. He staggered back slightly, quickly regained his balance and pushed past me, swearing as he passed, I took the chance and dipped out of the kitchen, hearing a chorus of raised voices coming from behind me.