by A B Turner
It was some time later, during the train journey home, I remembered I had switched off my mobile so I quickly retrieved it from my handbag, hoping I had not missed a call from Lainie amidst all the unexpected drama of the day. As I scrolled down, there were a couple of texts from Daniel, asking if I wanted to meet him later and a lovely message from Kat, inviting me for Sunday lunch. I sat back in my seat and looked out of the large window, there was no question I liked Daniel, but there was no denying, he was obviously now hoping for something more than our almost ‘friends with benefits’ relationship. But I was far from convinced I was ready to make such a commitment, at least not now, with Lainie gone ,I realised for the first time in my adult life, I was not somebody’s girlfriend, somebody’s wife or mother.......I was just me, and maybe, that’s what I should stay, at least, until I knew what I really wanted.
I thought about what Vanessa had said once, about having hills to climb, so you could reach the top and find another one, maybe that’s what I needed to do....find my own hill, instead of helping someone else. By the time I reached our local station, I had resolved to talk to Daniel at the weekend, explain how I felt, and see if he wanted to carry on as we were, because if not, it was fairer to him, to end it now, the very least I owed him was the truth, especially as I was genuinely very fond of him.
When I reached home, the house was in darkness, as I went to hang my coat, I saw Lainie’s jacket was no longer there and the reality of her leaving, finally hit me. I switched on all the lights and wandered into her bedroom, although some of her belongings had gone, many were still there. I sat on the end of her bed and looked around, half-deciding I would decorate again, put her stuff in storage and create a different room....but, within moments of this apparent decision, I quickly resolved to leave everything untouched, as she would come home during holidays and would want her room to be the same. When I reached my own room, I lay down on the bed, the day seemed to catch up with me and I suddenly felt exhausted. Not really having any idea of the time, I quickly changed and slipped under the welcoming duvet, drowsily thinking I would call Kat in the morning, before finally falling asleep.
I was awoken very early the next morning by the sound of my mobile vibrating wildly on the bedside table, as I was so warm and comfortable wrapped up under my duvet, I was almost tempted to ignore it, but it quickly became obvious whoever it was decidedly persistent, I sleepily reached across and grabbed the phone. I peered at the caller ID, almost hoping it might be an unknown caller, making it perfectly justifiable for me to ignore it, but as my eyes adjusted to the light, I saw it was Lainie and frantically answered the call,
“Lainie ?”
“Ciao Mama !”
The mere sound of her voice sent me rapidly into ‘Mum’ mode,
“How are you ? Is everything alright ? Is the place you’re staying OK ? Do you have enough money ? Do you need anything ?”
Lainie laughed and quickly reassured me she was very happy, her new home was amazing and I had no reason to be concerned, on hearing these words, I relaxed and settled back in bed,
“Tell me everything,” I insisted, relieved she was obviously safe and well, as she spoke, it was clear, even after only a day, she had made the right decision to go to Rome. She chattered on excitedly about the apartment she was sharing with two other girls, the beauty of the city itself and how terrible her Italian was,
“Really Mum, all those classes back home and I don’t know anything that’s actually useful, after all, how many times are you going to be asked if you play tennis !”
I laughed and assured her she would soon pick up the language,
“I hope so, some of the guys here are gorgeous,” she answered dreamily.
“If that’s the case, just make sure you know how to say, ‘I’m not that kind of a girl’,” I said with mock severity.
“But I so am !” she joked back.
I glanced at the clock and suddenly realised how much this call was probably costing, when I mentioned this to Lainie, I heard her sigh and agree we should perhaps say our goodbyes,
“Love you, Mum.”
“Love you more,” I replied.
As I put my phone back on the bedside table, the duvet didn’t seem quite so inviting anymore, as I was meeting Daniel for brunch, I opted to get up and take my time to get ready, I still wasn’t sure how I was going to broach the subject of our relationship, but I knew it had to be done.
By the time I reached the coffee shop, the much hoped for moment of inspiration had still failed to arrive, which ever order I put the words in my mind, they sounded harsh and unfeeling which was so far removed from what I wanted to say. When I walked in, the delicious aroma of freshly-made coffee seemed to surround me, I paused, took a deep breath and looked around for Daniel I scanned the room, at first, I didn’t see him, but then, there he was, sitting at one end of a large, brown leather sofa, he was intently reading a newspaper and so, at first, he was unaware of my arrival.
As I walked over to his table, I took the opportunity to really look at him, there was no question, he was a good-looking man, not in a glamorous way, but there was something indefinable about his face which made him attractive. His loose white shirt seemed to highlight the contours of his chest, his long legs wrapped in faded denim, stretched out from under the table revealing slightly-battered black leather boots, as I absorbed all of this , I started to doubt the wisdom of my decision to back away from a serious relationship with him. Suddenly he glanced up and smiled, his blue eyes twinkling,
“Hello, how long have you been there ?” he asked, gesturing to the empty space next to him, as I sat down, he leant forward and kissed me gently on the cheek, before sitting back and looking at me admiringly.
“You look lovely today,” he said simply.
“So do you,” I replied quickly without pausing for breath, he smiled almost shyly and offered me a menu. As we ate, I found myself watching him as he spoke, as if in some way, I was hoping to find some reason, some justification for not wanting to take our relationship further, but there was none, but despite that fact, I knew it was the right thing to do. When we had finished, he suggested we take a walk by the river, as we wandered arm-in-arm down to the towpath neither of us spoke, I knew he was expecting me to say something, so, as we stood watching a pair of snow white swans glide effortlessly against the tide, I began attempting to explain how I was feeling. He stood there impassively, his eyes seemingly transfixed on the view, as I talked about how much I liked him, but I just wasn’t sure whether I was ready for a relationship and I felt it was better to be honest as I had no wish to hurt him. As the words came tumbling out, I suddenly felt so unbelievably selfish, here I was yapping on about how I was feeling, what I wanted and, worse still, what was right for me, as soon as this realisation hit me, I stopped, apologised and waited anxiously for his reaction.
We stood there in silence for what seemed like hours, the whole time, I frantically searched my brain for some words, the right ones that could possibly make this less awkward, even less painful, but, if they were there at all, they were hidden. Meanwhile Daniel continued to stare ahead, his normally-sparkling eyes seemed to have taken the dark, bluish- grey colour of the river below us.
Finally, he turned to me, he softly touched my cheek and sighed heavily, his eyes seemed to be taking in every detail of my face, at that moment, I had an overwhelming urge to say something comforting, but I knew I had already said more than enough.
“Carrie , I have made no secret of how I feel about you,” he began, “I had hoped, you felt the same way..”
I was poised to interrupt, but one look at his serious expression made me stop in my tracks,
“I want a relationship, Carrie, someone to share my life and I thought, well, you know what I thought.”
I nodded sadly, although in my mind there was a small voice screaming at me to blurt out I had been wrong , it was all a terrible mistake and I did want to be with him, but I knew to say all of those things w
hen I had such huge doubts would be completely unfair. Daniel sighed heavily,
“Well, it seems there isn’t much else to say, is there ?” Before I had a chance to answer, he kissed my forehead and turned to walk away, suddenly I grabbed his trailing hand forcing him to stop and face me.
“I’m so sorry, Daniel,” I pulled him towards me, we hugged tightly for a moment, before he eased back and stroked my cheek.
“What for ? You told me the truth, all I hope is, whatever it is you’re looking for, I hope you find it,” his voice so filled with kindness, I had to swallow hard to stop any random tears.
“Whoever gets to have you will be unbelievably lucky,” I whispered, before releasing my grip on his hand, he smiled and walked away, this time, I allowed him to leave unhindered.
Once he was out of sight, I wandered along the towpath alone, I had some idea about having to think things through, but there was nothing to decide, no conclusion to reach, I had cut my tie with Daniel, Lainie was safely in Rome and now, I was alone, with nothing but some half-baked notion of finding some imaginary hill to climb. Just as I was about to doubt the wisdom behind every recent decision, my mobile rang, it was Kat, when I answered, it was immediately clear she was far from impressed,
“So you are alive then ? I thought you must have at least been hit by a truck, otherwise what possible explanation can there be for you ignoring me !” she said crossly, however, as soon as I had explained what had happened with Daniel, her tone changed to one of total concern.
“Are you sure you’ve done the right thing, honey ?” she asked.
“No,” I replied truthfully, “But Kat, great as it was, it just wasn’t....”
“Your mystery lover in London,” she interrupted knowingly, “Oh God , sweetheart, you’ve told me a hundred times there’s no future with whoever this is, don’t you think it’s time for you to let it go ?”
I thought for a moment, before suddenly, I had a revelation,
“You know, Kat, you’re right, there is absolutely no future, but when I was with them, it was love, and that’s what I want now, I want someone to give me no choice but to love them and for me to completely believe they love me, but more than that, I want a life, a real life.”
Kat sighed, but insisted I had done the right thing with Daniel, as we both agreed he was a really lovely man who deserved nothing less than the truth, but as for me ? She knew –without question- I would find the right person and when I did, she wanted pride of place at the wedding, so she could say ‘I told you so’ as I walked up the aisle, I laughed and promised I would reserve her a front row seat.
“I’m glad to hear it, because after all, you’re going to have a premier position at mine,” she replied, “Always assuming you’re free in July,” she added, when she heard my gasp, she cackled,
“Yes that’s right, Matt’s going to make an honest woman of me !”
I congratulated her immediately and insisted we get together as soon as possible, to which she happily agreed, then we said our goodbyes.
I looked out across the river, although there was still a distinct chill in the air, the sun seemed to be making an effort to come out, as there were slight flecks of golden light glistening on the water. I glanced up, the high, white clouds seemed to be coming gently apart, like cotton wool, to reveal more than a hint of the brilliant blue sky hidden above them. The two swans were now drifting effortlessly next to me, as if in some way, they wanted to accompany me for the rest of my journey, I pulled my collar up to my cheeks as a defence against the chilly breeze and headed home.
The following day, I returned to work, as I walked in, the young woman I had found with Phil was just clambering off the back of a motorbike, she kissed the rider and watched wistfully as he roared away. When she noticed me, we exchanged knowing smiles before she almost skipped inside the building, with me following less enthusiastically behind. Some days ago, I had resolved to take Kat's advice and not leave just yet, after all, I did have bills to pay and I was hoping to be able to visit Lainie in the Summer. But despite the obvious wisdom of this decision, it did nothing to make the reality of working there any easier, as I reached my desk, the familiar feeling of dread made itself known almost immediately. The morning passed uneventfully, Phil passed me a couple of times, but I just kept my head down and refused to give him anything more than a polite glance to acknowledge his presence. At lunchtime, I hesitated before entering the staff canteen, I had no wish to make Daniel feel uncomfortable, but my fears were unfounded, as when I finally walked through the doors, he waved and greeted me as cheerfully as ever, clearly he hoped we could be friends if nothing else and I was more than happy to share that desire.
As had now become almost a habit, I sat quietly in the corner, eating lunch while reading a celebrity magazine, there were the usual tales of various people who seemed to be either dieting, falling in love or facing some kind of emotional turmoil, much as it was largely nonsense, it was undeniably entertaining. I had almost finished, when I turned one of the last pages and there was Vanessa , she looked well and healthy, completely unrecognizable when compared to the distraught woman I had seen at the hotel. She was photographed with a dark, almost mysterious looking man, but despite his dark glasses and almost gypsy-like appearance, he was beaming as he looked at her, his sunny expression almost totally at odds with the image. She was smiling back, a broad, confident smile, she had seemingly regained every inch of her composure and I was genuinely relieved. After a particularly dull afternoon, where my mind and body were undoubtedly in two different places, I walked to the deserted bus stop and slumped on to the seat. The grey mist of light rain made everything seem slightly blurred, but there was one thing that was blatantly clear now,she had moved on with her life, so it was time for me to do the same. As my reluctant brain accepted this simple truth, the bus pulled up and the doors groaned open,
"Getting on, love ?" asked the obviously- weary driver, I nodded, took my ticket and sat by a rain-stained window. I stared aimlessly out into the darkness, hoping I might see some kind of answer.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
I was born in London but have always traveled extensively and been fortunate enough to meet many genuinely interesting people in my life, both professionally and personally.
I am an intensely private person, so writing for me, has always been my favourite way of communicating with the world, sharing life experiences through the eyes of my characters.
Away from writing, my family are my priority, they are a constant source of joy and I am forever grateful for all their love and encouragement.