The Energies of Love

by Donna Eden

  Partner responds with “Do you mean” questions.

  Continue until issue is fully resolved.

  The “Do you mean” technique keeps you and your partner attuned to one another, provides instant feedback when your understanding is not accurate, and can be enlightening and even fun. Two people in the same situation, even couples—or more accurately, particularly couples—can be watching the same drama unfold but seeing totally different scenes, hearing different dialogues, and bracing for different endings. The “Do you mean” technique helps you slow down and reattune so you are at least watching the same movie even if your reactions to it diverge.

  If Your Partner’s Energetic Stress Style Is Visual

  Keep always in mind that you are dealing with someone who trusts an internal vision that does not easily change. This vision projects into the future an image of what is possible, and that image carries a force that not only compels your partner forward, it collides with anything that stands in its way. Moreover, if the image is about you, it is a vision that often exceeds what is possible, and you may gently or not so gently be told how you do not measure up. While it is hard to not take this personally, you can be assisted by recognizing two things. First, your partner is dealing with genuine disappointment that you turned out to be human, fantasies during the romantic stage of the relationship notwithstanding. Don’t take this personally. Second, and more important, remind yourself that your partner needs you, not a fantasy of who you might be.

  FOR THE GOOD TIMES

  If you are in a relationship with a visual, appreciate and articulate the ways this visionary capacity serves your relationship. If you aren’t sure, observe closely what your partner contributes as you make plans together, how you look to your partner for perspective, and ways your partner offers you genuinely valuable guidance. Reflect deeply on the contributions your partner’s sensory mode adds to your life and describe them. Do this so fully and persuasively that if at another time you are compelled to discuss how your partner is trapped in the visual sensory channel, you will have already established that you deeply recognize its value and can refer back to that discussion.

  FOR THE HARD TIMES

  Walk the line between knowing that your visual partner cannot easily let go of a passionately held vision and patiently establishing that your perspective has merit. During relationship distress:

  Look your partner straight in the eyes. Avoiding eye contact seems evasive to visuals, while direct eye contact engenders their trust.

  Maintain a respectful distance. Visuals need to see you in perspective.

  Gently share your own perspective while knowing that your visual partner cannot easily let go of a passionately held vision when under stress.

  Allow your partner time to process a requested shift in vision.

  Don’t allow yourself to be bullied, since this only confirms to the visual that he or she was right.

  Use the “Do you mean” technique shown earlier to more fully understand and articulate your partner’s underlying vision. Your partner will appreciate being recognized and understood. Having connected within your partner’s comfort zone, it will now be easier for your partner to hear you without judgment and blame. In the earlier sample dialogue, the opening, blaming statement was made by a visual. If your partner is visual, you may want to go back and reread that dialogue.

  If Your Partner’s Energetic Stress Style Is Kinesthetic

  Always keep in mind that you are dealing with someone who lives in the present moment, whose first response is to give your needs, feelings, and pain an exaggerated degree of importance, and who trusts feelings more than abstract logic or reason. One of David’s slowly dawning realizations in our early years was, “For Donna, feelings are facts!” This boggled his mind. For David, facts are facts. Feelings may color the facts, but the facts are the facts. For Donna, the facts that are to be trusted are the feelings. She thinks the regular facts are what David resorts to when he’s dead wrong about the emotional and interpersonal realities at play but is still trying to defend himself.

  FOR THE GOOD TIMES

  If you are in a relationship with a kinesthetic, appreciate and articulate the ways his or her facility with feelings, deep sense of compassion, and attunement to the eternal moment serves the relationship. If you aren’t sure, observe closely how your partner’s spirit calls you into the here and now, invites the relationship to find an emotional alignment, and is able to meet and support your feelings when times are good. Reflect deeply on the contributions your partner’s sensory mode adds to your life and describe them. Do this so fully and persuasively that if at another time you are compelled to discuss how your partner is trapped in the kinesthetic sensory channel, you have already established that you deeply recognize its value.

  FOR THE HARD TIMES

  Recognize the intelligence that transcends your kinesthetic partner’s words. Attune to the feelings without becoming distracted by the language. During relationship distress:

  Cut the pressure. Kinesthetics can’t think clearly or function well when accused, hurried for an answer, or drowned in another’s words, needs, or truths.

  Remember that your partner lives in the present moment and trusts his or her feelings more than your logic.

  Give plenty of time to resolve issues. Kinesthetics need to digest and metabolize questions and requests. Without time, they are more likely to be focused on your needs rather than their inner truth.

  Notice any signs of suffering too much for you, or an inability to communicate other than to agree with you or to dissolve in emotion.

  A quick “yes” may not be accurate, even if your partner doesn’t know it. Commitments made under stress can later haunt the kinesthetic.

  Use the “Do you mean” technique to focus on nonverbal communication and identify unstated issues. The technique can also reveal whether your kinesthetic partner is giving your needs, feelings, or pain an exaggerated degree of importance. The conversation might go like this (the examples illustrating the kinesthetic, digital, and tonal sensory styles that will follow are playful excerpts of imaginary conversations that further illustrate basic principles for using the technique):

  KINESTHETIC PARTNER: “Sure, you can go watch the Super Bowl with Larry and Ed. I think you’ll have a great time!”

  Reply: “You sound disappointed.”

  “Maybe a little, but I want you to do what you really want to do.”

  “Do you mean it’s really okay with you that I leave you alone? It is our tenth anniversary.”

  “Well, hey, you spent the whole day with me on our fourth anniversary. That’s holding me over.”

  “Do you mean by your sarcasm that you’re going to be angry if I go?”

  “I’ll try not to be. I know you’ll love watching the Super Bowl with Larry and Ed. It’s okay!”

  “Do you mean you are hoping that for our anniversary I would make being with you more important than the game?”

  “Well, that did cross my mind, but [in tears now] I really want you to do what you want to do.”

  “I’m so relieved that you want me to watch the Super Bowl! Thank you! Bye-bye, honey, I’m off. Happy anniversary!”

  Kinesthetic “Do you mean” conversation 2:

  TO KINESTHETIC PARTNER: “I know that you are not answering me and I see that your lower lip is trembling. Do you mean by your silence that you are having lots of feelings but don’t know what to say?”

  Reply: “Yes.”

  “Do you mean that you do wish you had the words, but they are not coming to you right now?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you mean you felt hurt when I just told you you’re not as pretty as Mary?”

  “Wham!”

  “Thanks, got it!”

  While both examples are parodies, the first still illustrates how kinesthetics put their par
tner’s needs and desires above their own, and the second shows how words are much harder when a complex spectrum of feelings is occurring. The kinesthetic may seem scattered or babbling when the deeper truth is that he or she is navigating more complex inner terrain than the partner.

  If Your Partner’s Energetic Stress Style Is Digital

  Keep always in mind that you are dealing with someone who, when under stress, is going to process the situation with reason and logic no matter how much you want a feeling response. Logic and abstractions are trusted; emotions are suspect. Where the visual is oriented toward the future, the kinesthetic toward the present, and the tonal toward the past, the digital can readily move from one to the other without, however, fully living in any of them. That is the upside and the downside of operating in a world of symbols and abstractions. There is a certain appeal about being able to maneuver through any situation uncluttered by emotion. Within their isolated universe, they are in control of the symbols, so, in their minds, they always get to be right. When Donna says in exasperation during a disagreement, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be close?” David’s visceral response, which he has learned not to lead with, is “Well, that’s a no-brainer.”

  FOR THE GOOD TIMES

  If you are in a relationship with a digital, appreciate and articulate the ways this stability and access to logic and reason serves the relationship. If you aren’t sure, observe closely how your partner’s calmness, kindness, and organizational abilities benefit you. Reflect deeply on the contributions your partner’s sensory mode adds to your life and describe them. Do this so fully and persuasively that if at another time you are compelled to discuss how your partner is trapped in the digital mode of processing information, you have already established that you deeply recognize its value.

  FOR THE HARD TIMES

  Recognize that your digital partner’s lack of emotional contact is a coping style rather than a rejection or a premeditated way of distancing. During relationship distress:

  Digitals apply reason and logic to situations calling for delicacy and empathy. Don’t expect a feeling response to an emotional issue.

  Accept that under stress, no matter how much you want a feeling response, you are instead likely to be met with reasoning.

  Raising your voice in frustration will not get you what you long for. Escalating emotional expression will generally cause your digital partner, when under stress, to become even more remote.

  Stay on top of your own exasperation, using energy exercises (here) to keep you centered. You can, for instance, hold your stress release points (here) and breathe deeply while continuing the discussion. If you do become exasperated, you can invite your partner to do one of the exercises with you. Structured emotional expression is less threatening to your digital partner than undisciplined feeling or spontaneous outbursts.

  Use the “Do you mean” technique to reach into your partner’s logic and have it articulated more fully. Your partner will appreciate being recognized and understood. Once you have connected within your partner’s comfort zone, it will now be easier to lead into the world of emotions, which your partner will also appreciate if done gently and without judgment.

  “Do you mean” conversation:

  TO DIGITAL PARTNER: “I am so upset. You know how high my last performance evaluation was. My boss told me today that the company has put a freeze on raises.”

  REPLY: “So you didn’t get the raise after all. Oh well, you shouldn’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

  “Do you mean that I shouldn’t feel bad about not getting the raise since I didn’t lose anything I didn’t already have?”

  “Yes, that is correct.”

  “Do you mean you don’t care that I won’t be bringing us more income?”

  “No, we really needed it.”

  “Do you mean that since I didn’t get the raise, it doesn’t do either of us any good to fret about it?”

  “Yes, no sense getting emotional about these things.”

  “Do you mean that you care about my disappointment and that you don’t want me to feel bad?”

  “Yes, I suppose that was in there somewhere.”

  “Thank you. I think that was about the most emotionally tuned-in thing you’ve ever said to me.”

  Digitals often simply do not have ready access to their feelings or even their love and empathy, and gently helping them to recognize their deeper feelings is a gift. Notice, however, how easily “You shouldn’t count your chickens . . .” could have been received as dismissive and distancing and the start of a downward spiral. As you stay centered and refrain from interpreting as rejection your partner’s reach toward logic over empathy, you will find that your partner is actually capable of moving beyond the stress response and reaching into your world. Digitals actually tend to be quite kind. You know this when the two of you are not in your stress modes, and it is worth remembering when you are.

  If Your Partner’s Energetic Stress Style Is Tonal

  Keep always in mind that you are dealing with someone who, when under stress, is not hearing your exact words but is picking up on the “vibes,” both yours and those of a personal internal drama. Do not expect a neutral, empathic response. The world of sound is not casual. It is deeply intimate and impactful, with whatever is not registered as being friendly likely to be registered as hostile. Your partner is vulnerable to feeling bombarded by any stressed energy you may be putting out, to take it very personally, and to be unforgiving about what you have dished out just now or in the past. Small specks of behavior can be exaggerated into having tremendous meaning. Tonals engage intimately with life, down to the tiniest nuance. This facility with subtleties and the ability to hear between the lines can create a skewed reality under stress that tends to distort the past as well. Because stress-based distortions can become deeply encoded, tonals are particularly susceptible to being run by their past.

  FOR THE GOOD TIMES

  If you are in a relationship with a tonal, appreciate and articulate the ways the relationship is served by this ability to hear between the lines, deeply know what you mean, and invite you into the creative dimensions of life. If you aren’t sure, observe closely how your partner is able to enter your inner world, articulate for you subtleties you had not registered, and bring you into realms of sensory and aesthetic appreciation that would otherwise pass you by. Reflect deeply on the contributions your partner’s sensory mode adds to your life and describe them. Do this so fully and persuasively that if at another time you are compelled to discuss how your partner is trapped in the tonal sensory channel, you have already established that you deeply recognize its value.

  FOR THE HARD TIMES

  Demonstrate that you have heard what is being said. Listen well and acknowledge your partner’s words. During relationship distress:

  Accept the fact that you will not easily persuade your tonal partner that the suspicions held about you are invalid. Don’t even try while your partner is stressed.

  Do not expect a neutral, empathic response during stress. Your partner is not hearing your exact words but rather the tone of your voice and/or echoes from the past.

  Lack of acknowledgment is painful for anyone, but even more so for a tonal. Restate what was said to verify that you heard the words accurately, as well as the tone.

  Recognize that your tonal partner is deluged in a sea of emotion about what is happening now or what has happened in the past, with subtle nuances taking on enormous meaning. Your patient listening will be golden.

  Use the “Do you mean” technique to demonstrate that you have heard your partner accurately and to help your tonal partner identify the assumptions he or she is making, the “reading between the lines”:

  TO TONAL PARTNER: “I’m sorry I’m late. Just as I was about to leave, an urgent e-mail came in alerting me to a crisis that needed to be resolved immedia
tely.”

  REPLY: “I’m so tired of this! Your damn e-mails are more important to you than I am.”

  “Do you mean you think I’m saying you don’t matter to me?”

  “Well, obviously I don’t!”

  “Do you mean that my getting caught up at work makes you think your feelings aren’t important to me?”

  “Of course that’s what it means.”

  “Do you mean that there is no other interpretation than that I don’t care about you?”

  “None! Any others are just excuses.”

  “Do you mean that it doesn’t matter what I say? That you know I take you for granted and that’s that?”

  “I wouldn’t go that far. But I can’t think of what you could say that would change my feelings. What do you have in mind?”

  “First of all, do you feel fully understood—that I recognize how tired you are of my getting caught up at work and acting as if you aren’t as important as my e-mails?”

  “I think it’s obvious that that’s what I’m feeling!”

  “Okay, I just wanted to be sure. What I want you to know is that I never want to hurt you, but I also have a demanding job that requires me to do some things on its schedule rather than my schedule. Can you give me some ‘Do you means’ on that?”

  “Do you mean that your job is so important to you that you’re willing to lie about how unimportant I am?”

  “No! I’m telling you my truth.”

  “Do you mean that you feel you don’t have a choice, that you have to do what your job requires?”