The Energies of Love

by Donna Eden

  Massage the points down both sides of your partner’s spine (but not directly on the spine), using the thumbs or middle fingers and using your body weight so strong pressure is being applied. While most people can tolerate and will enjoy considerable pressure on these points, check to be sure you are not using more than your partner wishes. If your partner has any kind of back injury or vulnerability, be particularly diligent about checking in, though deep pressure along the sides of the spine will still usually be safe and beneficial. You will be massaging from the bottom of the neck all the way down to the bottom of the sacrum.

  Go down the notches along the vertebrae and deeply massage each point. Staying on each point for at least five seconds, move the skin to and fro or in a circular motion with strong pressure.

  You can stop when you reach the sacrum or repeat the downward flush once or twice more.

  When completed, “sweep” the energies down your partner’s body: With either one long swipe or several brushstrokes, use the palms of your hands to sweep the energy from the shoulders all the way down the legs and off the feet. Repeat the sweep two or three times.

  • THE ENERGY DIMENSION •

  The Spinal Flush

  The toxic energy of distress gets clogged along the spine, interfering with the function of major nerves and energy pathways. As the fingers press on these points, the clogged energy becomes dispersed into the lymphatic system, which empties it out of the body.

  Giving the Spinal Flush When You Are Angry

  Interestingly, if the partner giving the Spinal Flush is angry, as may occur after an argument, the anger does not get absorbed by the person receiving the Spinal Flush. While angry energy certainly can be transmitted through touch, the anger gets dissipated rather than transferred during a Spinal Flush.

  THE DESIRED STATE

  When you are arguing with your partner, “flooding” is a physiological state in which you are feeling overwhelmed by your own and your partner’s negative emotions while you focus on an issue.7 Any relationship has many such moments. During flooding, people are likely to become defensive, pursue conflict, and at the same time wish to get away. This is not the desired state, but each time it occurs provides an opportunity for emotional reconnection. Stations on the path to reconnection include self-soothing, soothing one another, and attuning to one another’s feelings. The underlying tone of your relationship becomes a bit more positive with each successful reconnection, and a bit more negative each time a flooding incident does not lead to reconnection. At this point, your Pact has given you tools from energy medicine for self-soothing and for connecting energetically with your partner. If you or your partner are still feeling flooded, go back to the exercises. If you are both feeling calm, though perhaps still pessimistic about resolving the issue, you can proceed.

  Attuning Emotionally

  Stopping when you are flooded, centering yourself, and energetically reattuning with your partner is like pressing the reset button on your interaction. What you do next is critical. If you just pick up where you left off, you are likely to find that one of you, and then both of you, may soon be feeling flooded again. But in centering and reconnecting energetically, you have primed yourself for a shift.

  • THE ENERGY DIMENSION •

  Attuned and Broken Bonds

  When the bond is there between two people and they are feeling attuned, the energy literally forms figure-eight patterns that loop back and forth between them. This energy connects them at their Heart Chakras, at their Sixth Chakras (at the third eye, between the eyebrows), and often at other chakras as well. When the bond is broken, the disrupted energy is palpable.

  SHIFTING YOUR FOCUS

  Rather than focusing on your side of the disagreement, or all the reasons you are right and your partner is wrong, or all the ways you have been unfairly perceived or dismissed, this is a moment where the most constructive choice available to you is to attune to your partner’s feelings. It is not that you discount or disregard your own reality, but rather that you establish an ability to hold both perspectives at once. You don’t need to make yourself wrong to attune to your partner, but attunement shifts your attention. It puts you on a path that veers away from flooding or blaming and toward repairing the bond.

  At times, our Energetic Stress Style tends to seize control, distorting our perceptions as reliably as the blind man who is able to perceive only one part of the elephant. While all couples fight and a relationship can weather many arguments that go unresolved, Gottman’s research shows that a couple is headed for divorce when criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling escalate over time.8 Consistently responding to sadness or anger with criticism, dismissal, or contempt intensifies negativity and becomes cumulative. Attunement, on the other hand, enhances intimacy. Rather than abandoning your truth for your partner’s, attunement means opening to your partner’s experience, even vividly imagining how it feels to be him or her, and proceeding with compassionate awareness of your own as well as your partner’s position.

  Your Pact has had you (1) force an interruption in an escalating argument, (2) center yourself using energy techniques, and (3) do a Spinal Flush or other energy exercise that is soothing for your partner and begins to energetically reestablish your connection. In the next crucial step, you will proceed into a deeper, heartfelt awareness of your partner’s emotional state.

  PUTTING YOUR PARTNER’S THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS INTO WORDS

  Place your hands over your Heart Chakra (the middle of your chest). Breathing deeply, center your awareness in your heart. Visualize your partner as a child: young, fresh, innocent, undamaged. Absorb this for a few moments. Next bring your attention back to the argument. Breathing deeply and “seeing” through your heart, see that pure version of your partner, even during the argument. Attuned to your partner in this way, mindfully step into his or her shoes. Experience the argument as if you were your partner.

  Inevitably your own opinions, anger, or hurt will intrude into the scene. Do not try to stop them or judge them. Instead, bring your focus to your hands over the center of your chest and observe your own feelings from this heart-centered space. Thoughts and feelings may pass or simply dissolve as you meet them with curiosity and acceptance. If they do not dissipate, or if they intensify, rather than dwelling on them further, use the Blow-Out/Zip-Up/Hook-Up exercise (here) to dispel their energies.

  When the feelings have passed, return to the image of your partner and to imagining the argument through your partner’s eyes and heart. Sense your partner’s likely feelings, thoughts, and hopes during the interaction. Write your insights in a paragraph or two in first-person present tense, describing the experience as if you are your partner. You will be able to verify the accuracy of your account in the final part of the Pact.

  Part 4 of the STAR Pact: Resolve

  It is now time to return to the original issue and resolve it. Teaching active listening, much to the dismay of many conventionally trained couples therapists, has been found to be relatively ineffective in improving marital satisfaction or stability.9 While active listening is great in theory, it is difficult to be constructive listeners when the hostility, anger, and defensiveness of flooding have been evoked. On the other hand, shifting to an activity that changes your energies can be done in a mechanical manner and still be effective.

  You are about to enter Part 4 of your Pact, the phase of effective communication—reengaging and resolving the issue that propelled you into flooding, disconnection, and discouragement. You have already centered yourself, reconnected energetically, inwardly attuned yourself to your partner’s feelings and position, and written your insights. Now you are at the phase where the rubber meets the road. Decide who will read first. Before you begin, simultaneously and in unison do one more brief centering technique. David’s favorite is the Crossover Shoulder Pull. Donna is most likely to use the Wayne Cook Posture. If your preferen
ces are also different from one another’s, use both. A favorite for both of us is simple hands-over-heart breathing.

  Sharing Your Empathic Statement

  Read the piece you wrote at the end of Part 3 of the Pact. Your partner listens and receives your attempt to tune into his or her experience. Your Pact is still providing the structure of an invisible surrogate “couples coach.”

  Responding with Appreciation

  Once you have read your account of your partner’s side of the story, your partner is to respond with three sentences that begin with the words “I appreciate . . .” Knowing this assignment is coming up will help your partner scan for your genuine effort, accurate insights, and enhanced empathy. The appreciations can be simple and basic: “I appreciate that you know how hard I tried.” “I appreciate that you are wanting to understand me.” “I appreciate that you understand that I didn’t mean to overreact.”

  This does not mean your partner is saying that every statement you uttered was on target; only that your partner acknowledges and appreciates your efforts. You will also be receiving feedback about how accurate your statements were according to your partner’s experience. Sometimes the statement being read will totally miss the mark. Appreciations can still focus on the partner’s intentions in writing and sharing the piece. After each appreciation statement, respond with an active acknowledgment: a “thank you,” a smile, or a request, such as “Help me understand that better.”

  Further Inquiry

  Next you ask, “Is there anything else you would like me to understand about your experience regarding our disagreement?” If your partner feels fully understood, this round is completed and it is your turn to hear your partner’s statement. More likely, however, your partner will have at least one area to expand on or correct. Your partner selects only one at this point, so the response is one or two sentences describing or clarifying one aspect of the situation, such as: “I wasn’t angry that you were busy; I was angry that when I asked you to help me, you looked disgusted.” Or, “My feelings got hurt at the party when you were bragging about our garden and didn’t mention how much work I put into it.” Or, “I felt discounted when you still punished Susie [their seven-year-old daughter] after I’d explained why I thought we should let her off the hook this time.” The statements should be brief and descriptive of what happened rather than any interpretation of the meaning of the events except to state how they impacted the speaker. Use “I statements” about your feelings, thoughts, and reactions.

  Bringing in the “Do You Mean” Technique

  Your partner has just expanded on or corrected your write-up. This may be a perfect time to use the “Do you mean” technique (here). Drawing from the earlier example, suppose your partner’s comment was:

  “I felt discounted when you still punished Susie after I’d explained why I thought we should let her off the hook this time. You always discount me!”

  Looking for where to focus, “You always discount me!” provides much that is worth exploring. So you might put this into the “Do you mean” format. For instance:

  “Do you mean that I ignored what you were saying?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you mean by saying I always discount you, that I never take in what you are saying?”

  “No.”

  “Do you mean by saying always that you feel discounted a lot of the time?”

  “Yes!”

  “Do you mean that you don’t trust me?”

  “There may be some truth in that, but that is not what I am saying.”

  “Do you mean that I run my agenda while ignoring yours and that it is because I’m insensitive and selfish?”

  “The first half of that is what I mean, so you now have two and a half yeses.”

  “Do you mean you want to leave me?”

  “No.”

  “Do you mean that you want me to be influenced more by what you say?”

  “Bingo!”

  Even the four-word sentence “You always discount me” can have multiple meanings. It could easily be misinterpreted. After achieving three yeses, summarize what was just established to the extent that you can acknowledge your partner’s initial meaning or feeling and check for accuracy:

  “So you felt I ignored what you said—it reminded you of other times you have felt ignored—and you stated this so strongly because you don’t want that to keep happening. Given that, I can understand why you were feeling discounted. Did I getcha?”

  If the response was, “Not completely. I thought we should have let Susie off the hook this time,” your “Do you mean” questions could try to capture your partner’s meaning about the entire statement or any aspect of it. For instance:

  “Do you mean I should always just obey you?”

  “No.”

  “Do you mean Susie is such an angel that we should never punish her?”

  “No.”

  “Do you mean you felt I was too harsh?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you mean Susie didn’t deserve to be punished this time?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you mean that you are smarter than me?”

  “While I do believe that is true, it’s not what I am saying.”

  “Do you mean that you are oversensitive about not being taken seriously?”

  “NO!”

  “Do you mean that you were hurt that I didn’t give your opinion more weight?”

  “Yes.”

  “I can understand how my punishing Susie after you explained why you felt we should let this one go would leave you feeling discounted. Now do you feel fully understood?”

  “Yes. Thank you for making the effort!”

  • THE ENERGY DIMENSION •

  Missing a “Do You Mean”

  What happens energetically when your partner’s “Do you mean” statement is dead wrong? It was not what you meant at all. Does this cause the energies between the two of you to repel further? It usually doesn’t. In fact, the bond that had been broken tends to repair whether the partner’s response is right or wrong. The energy reconnects. The fact that the partner was curious and trying to understand energetically trumps the fact that the guess was wrong.

  Accepting the Outcome

  Often the discordant feelings will have dissolved or the disagreement will have been settled before you even get to the first “Do you mean” in Part 4 of the Pact. But sometimes the outcome is simply, “We agree to disagree.” In fact, one of John Gottman’s most unexpected findings was that, more than two-thirds of the time, couple conflict was about “perpetual issues in the relationship that never got resolved.”10 If you come to fundamental differences in your characters, values, or beliefs that you cannot settle, you may wonder what you are doing on the same train. All couples, however, have issues they have been unable to resolve.

  Many couples “make peace” with such perpetual problems by going into denial about them. But if deep problems become permanently buried in the foundation of your relationship, your footing with one another becomes unsure. Or, in the other direction, unremitting complaints and nagging build barriers and ill will without doing anything to constructively resolve the issue. The solution that happy couples reached around their irreconcilable differences “was to establish a ‘dialogue’ around the perpetual problem—one that included humor and affection and communicated acceptance of the partner and even amusement. In this way happy couples coped with the irresolvable problems rather than to get trapped in ‘gridlock.’”11 Your pact helps you accomplish this.

  Whether guiding you through the inevitable bumps of building a life together or helping you establish a constructive dialogue around irresolvable issues, your Pact calls to the best in each of you. If the issue is resolved, you can happily celebrate your accomplishment. If, on the other hand, a problem persists after you have submitted it to the rigors of
your Pact, you can recognize that you have come into territory all couples encounter. You will know you have done all you can, at least for the time being. In Part 2, you will learn an approach from energy psychology for getting at the heart of and transforming some “perpetual” problems, but for now, you will have brought your goodwill, caring, and most effective communication skills for coming to terms with a stubborn difference in a loving and mutually supportive way.

  Making the Pact a Reality

  If nothing else, shifting a disagreement from automated but unproductive knee-jerk reactions to the relatively laborious steps in the Pact is an affirmation to yourself and your partner that your relationship and its well-being are at the top of your priorities.

  Perhaps the hardest times for us to invoke the Pact were in premenstrual moments when, at least as David experienced it, there was no right response. Whatever he would do or say seemed to make matters worse. Every cell in his digital brain wanted to pull away, separate, take time apart. This is similar to the “Stop” phase of the Pact, but it isn’t quite on the mark because when done abruptly or with anger, it breaks emotional contact in a manner that feels like punishment or abandonment. It doesn’t feel like an affirmation of the agreed-upon steps in the Pact. David learned, however, that he could bridge his impulse to withdraw into a constructive scenario by saying something like: “Donna, we’re both upset right now and having a hard time. Let’s follow our Pact, take a few minutes apart, get ourselves centered, and then how about I give you a Spinal Flush.” That extra step was the kingpin to success. Sometimes all was well following the spinal flush. Other times, the remainder of the Pact was still needed.