The Energies of Love

by Donna Eden

  Taking Full Responsibility

  PAUL: “It’s your partner who can help you the most in growing and knowing about yourself. Rather than being annoyed or defensive when something comes up, we discover together how to use the situation as an opportunity to evolve.”

  ANN: “I take a hundred percent responsibility for how we’re doing. Not fifty percent. If we’re not doing well, then I am one hundred percent personally responsible for it, instead of the unproductive need to deflect the blame from myself onto him, that tit-for-tat thing that couples do.”

  PAUL [PLAYFULLY]: “It’s an opportunity to grow twenty-four hours a day!”

  ANN: “It’s not about him ‘learning’ from me. If there is something for him to learn, that’s his department. If he doesn’t see something I offer as being useful, I have to accept that. Consequently, because I’m always working with myself, if I feel agitated and annoyed, it’s got nothing to do with him. I’m agitated. I’m annoyed. It’s my nervous system going haywire. How do I work with that? Sometimes I might say, ‘I’m losing it here. I’m having an irritation that is really getting to me. I need time to work this out.’ Or I might say, ‘Would you scratch my back?’ And he’s just right there, willing to help.”

  PAUL: “We have a basic respect for one another’s intelligence and for what each of us has learned throughout our lives. Because there’s no judgment in the field, we simply work together to help each other. We are not in competition with each other. I can look at Ann as my teacher, which she is in so many ways, and it doesn’t diminish my sense of self at all.”

  Cultivating the Great Virtues

  ANN: “We have an overlaying awareness that through our relationship we are cultivating the Great Virtues. This aspiration helps you to understand why the Great Virtues always take so long to cultivate and bring to flower. Patience is very difficult. It takes a lot of patience to cultivate patience! It’s not easy to allow yourself, or the other person, to grow at the rate you or they need to grow. Acceptance is another great virtue. To accept your partner’s little flaws and the things they wrestle with. To not expect them to do things the way you would like them to be done. Surrender is another. To surrender to whom the person really is. To not be wishing they were a little bit more like this or more like that, but to truly surrender to the person your partner actually is. To love and appreciate them as they are, not as you wish them to be. Forgiveness is another great virtue. Just forgive. Forgive everything. Get to a state where you don’t even need to forgive anything because there was no judgment there in the first place. This is sometimes called ‘witness consciousness.’ Cultivating these Great Virtues is a central motivation for us in our relationship.”

  Losing It

  ANN: “I have a lot going on, and I sometimes become overwhelmed. What’s made a difference is Paul’s steadiness. He doesn’t get taken down by my overwhelm. In fact, what I’ve been discovering in our time together, and really, I’ve been stunned by it, is that I don’t lose my temper anymore. At all. Do I? [asking Paul, who confirms, “No.”] No. I didn’t think so. I still get antsy. I get overwhelmed. But I never take it out on Paul. Never, never, never. Every time I feel an emotional upset, I immediately become alert. I know my body is communicating to me that my energetic field has become disturbed, and I look for the truth I’m not getting. Where am I in denial? I just dive into it because there is something I need to understand. This helps me to accept life as it is. To be equanimous no matter what is going on. To be in the moment rather than in the past or the future. What helps us is that we are also mirrors to one another. When we look at each other, what is shining back at us is a full acceptance and love and awareness. We are being seen in our highest while at the same time we are being witnessed in our weakness. This is very liberating. Thank God I have a partner who wants me to succeed, who wants me to evolve, and who helps me.”

  When Your Partner Can’t Be Consoled

  ANN: “I have given Paul the power to console me. I welcome his help because we are very mindful of each other. If there is a disturbance in the field, we acknowledge it right away, but we are very considerate in how we do that. We don’t have harsh words with one another. I truly say this with great surprise knowing how I’ve been in other circumstances [laughing].”

  PAUL: “Me too.”

  ANN: “One of us might get irritable, the other just notices it and says, ‘How about a cup of tea.’ Or ‘Why don’t we sit down for five minutes and meditate.’ If it’s Paul saying that to me, I will probably say, ‘MEDITATE!?!?! At this moment! You gotta be kidding!’ And he’ll say, ‘Come on, I know you’ll feel a lot better.’ And I go . . . [makes protesting sounds]. Then I say, ‘Okay.’ Then I finally sit down, and sure enough, ‘Ahhhhh.’ The anxious, trying-to-get-everything-done fades away.”

  Meeting the Dark Side

  PAUL: “We have a lot of respect for one another.”

  ANN: “But respect can be tricky. With people out in the world, it’s easy to be respectful, usually. But with a partner, the dark side can come up so quickly. That’s fine, that’s what partners do for each other. This lets you have a good look at what is sometimes invisibly under the surface, running the show. But to respect it! To accept it! To welcome it! That’s not so easy. But you can do it. If you remind yourself, ‘This is an opportunity to see into the darkness, and I have a witness who loves me, who is with me, who is my ally,’ everything shifts.”

  The Gift of Limitation

  PAUL: “Getting older helps. People fear getting older, but you have to see the value in every stage of your life. There are great benefits to getting older. You have more wisdom. You’re not so driven by hormones.”

  ANN: “Paul is eighty-three. Our time together now is very limited, and we know that. There is a real blessing in limitation because we don’t take our time together for granted. We realize it is going to be over so soon. It’s made me very cognizant of the preciousness of time and how fleeting it is. I ask myself every day if I am loving Paul to the extent I would if I knew this was our last day on earth together. Am I really here, really present, really taking advantage of this relationship while I have it, of this lifetime while I have it? Everything is finite in this realm, and I’m learning the gift of limitation. We are building the eternal aspects of our relationship. It’s not focused so much on the day-to-day external world but on building a powerful inner spiritual foundation between us as we live moment by moment on this amazing planet.”

  Practices

  PAUL: “It’s important to have a quiet time of day where you are quiet and share appreciation for the gift of life. It’s as simple as that. And your appreciation gets extended to your partner: ‘I’ve found someone I really love who is my best friend and I get to hang out with my best friend every day.’ So we do that. We start the day with focused time with one another. We might read together. We talk together. We meditate together. Meditation is our practice. Meditation soothes the nervous system tremendously. It stills and connects us to a realm of Silence, which is the source of creative potential. Maharishi didn’t give me an answer. He gave me a technique by which I could get answers for myself.”

  • THE ENERGY DIMENSION •

  Conscious Partnership in Action

  When a couple is bonded and conscious about the ways they maintain their bond, the energies between them appear solid and highly organized. They look buoyant, healthy, alive, and in a soft, easy flow, with lots of figure-eight patterns connecting the two of them. The energy seems purposeful, grounded, very attuned to the present moment, rather than being caught in the past or oriented toward the future. There are no abrupt stops and starts. You don’t see the tentativeness that is there when judgment is in the field. The energy from each partner radiates out not only to the other, but as if embracing all of life.

  Numbed Partnership in Action

  People who cannot “see” energy can still register the energy field when a r
elationship is stagnant, perfunctory, numbed—no longer growing together, no longer staying conscious about one another’s needs or inner experiences. People interacting with the couple often feel vaguely uncomfortable, as if the energy in the room is taking them down. An aura may still surround the couple, but it has often grown gray and become more like a trap than a nurturing environment. In fact, the energies feel trapped, slow and murky in their movement, and with few crossover patterns. When the couple isn’t growing, there is a force that inhibits both partners from being free and vibrant. I (Donna) have often, however, seen how when one partner breaks out of this energy, the whole relationship changes—often for the better if the other partner is able to adapt to the change. If not, the partner who broke free is often faced with some difficult choices.

  ANN: “We also every so often will take an evening, dress in our best, light all the candles, and sit together and tell each other in so many ways how much we love and appreciate each other. We give thanks for one another. It’s like a prayer of gratitude. Things like that keep love alive and pure and real. Lord knows, that’s the space I want to be in during our last moments together. So we tell each other we love each other fifty times a day.”

  PAUL [LAUGHING]: “Maybe sixty. We were reflecting on that the other day, how many times we just spontaneously say ‘I love you.’ It keeps us connected. We have lived together, under the same roof—morning, noon, and night—for many years now. It could be easy to take one another for granted. We simply don’t.”

  Every couple must find their own ways of supporting one another’s evolution, turning their differences into strengths, and keeping their relationship fresh and vital. Still, Paul and Ann’s reflection on their own development as a couple is worth reviewing from time to time. It contains inspiration and wise instruction about the day-to-day interactions that build intimacy and more conscious ways of relating.

  Seven Qualities of Conscious Partnering

  Just as Paul’s and Ann’s open sharing invites you to reflect on the possibilities of conscious partnership, we have done our own reflection—both as a couple and as professionals who work with couples. We have identified seven qualities that characterize our own relationship when we are at our conscious best. In articulating them, we have also reaffirmed our intention to further cultivate these qualities. Energy follows intention. These seven intentions are stated here in a manner that allows you to consider them for your relationship as well. Qualities of consciousness that support a richer relationship can be cultivated through:

  . . . an intention to bring the vast resources of our subconscious minds into our relationship. Even in our darkest times, if we have stayed open to the possibility that a new and deeper understanding is going to emerge—rather than becoming locked in stagnation or hopelessness—something fresh and sustaining usually takes bloom. Rather than a mental state you have to work hard to attain, this gradual opening to ever-deeper parts of your being is a natural, though uneven part of personal evolution. Expect it; welcome it; cultivate it; relax into it.

  . . . an intention to bring into consciousness unacknowledged impulses, motivations, and beliefs. When we find ourselves caught in self-defeating patterns, our commitment is to look deeper and courageously stare them down at their source. Beneath your personality and defenses dwells a universe of unnamed forces and vulnerabilities that are revealed in your unconscious proclivities and automatic behaviors. Creating with your partner a context where it is safe to share your deeper workings brings them into your awareness. Recognizing and accepting them may sometimes seem overwhelming, but it ultimately makes you and your relationship stronger, not weaker.

  . . . an intention to address these internal conflicts and outdated learnings that had been operating beneath our consciousness. Not only are we committed to recognize deep sources of conflict or dysfunction tracing to our personal histories or simply our lack of wisdom, we are determined to utilize that information for our evolution. When internal conflicts and outdated learnings are brought into the light, they become less onerous and can be creatively and actively resolved or transformed. Energy medicine and energy psychology give you particularly powerful tools. Accepting and working with your foibles also builds trust and intimacy with your partner.

  . . . an intention to keep focusing on what is beneficial and empowering. We are committed to recognizing the strengths within us and the resources around us even when feeling lost, judgmental, or uncertain. You and your relationship flourish when your personal strengths and the strengths of your partnership are registered and acknowledged—far more than when your shortcomings get the focus. A tendency to scan for what is right rather than what is wrong can, as is discussed later in this chapter, be cultivated.

  . . . an intention to process the past and envision the future in ways that bring out the best in each of us and in our relationship. We are committed to viewing our own and our partner’s needs for change and growth as opportunities rather than liabilities. Relationship is a challenge to completely accept and appreciate what is. Relationship is also a challenge to actively transform what is into what can be. The visions you hold about what is possible and desirable become the maps that will lead you into your future.

  . . . an intention to bring up tough topics in a loving and constructive way. We are committed to processing our own negative feelings in a manner that allows us to treat one another with kindness. Studies on the characteristics of marital success have shown again and again that it is not the amount of conflict couples have between them—all couples have areas of friction—but rather the way they resolve their differences. Specifically, the quality of the partners’ emotional responsiveness to one another predicts longevity in a marriage. Register the way your actions impact your partner’s feelings and use that understanding to treat your partner like a king or a queen.

  . . . an intention to stay receptive to one another’s evolving beauty. We are committed to using the power of our minds and imaginations to see one another anew and with profound appreciation and respect for the other’s journey and challenges. When you deeply witness another’s struggles and the person’s striving to bring forth into the world that which is beautiful and worthy within them, love is ever renewed.

  While good intentions have gotten a bad rap—you know which road is paved with them—you can use your understanding of the body’s energies to make these seven affirmations more than just platitudes. Doing a round of energy psychology tapping (chapter 6) while mindfully stating one of the intentions as you tap on each point embeds the words and their meaning into your energy system. An even simpler way for incorporating the meaning of a statement into your nervous system is to say the words out loud, as an affirmation, while you slowly and consciously do a Zip-Up (here). Choose a quality from the above list that you would particularly like to develop, adapt the first or second sentence in the description to your liking, and “tap it in” or “zip it in” every day for a week. You will notice its expanding role in your mental outlook. If an internal objection to incorporating the quality arises (e.g., “I am too angry to want to bring up these tough issues in a loving way”), give the intensity of the internal objection a zero to ten rating and use the energy psychology protocol to bring that intensity down to zero. This may not fully resolve your anger or other emotion, but it will allow the affirmation to begin to take hold. Conscious partnering is within your grasp.

  A Tidy Relationship vs. Your Wild Self

  Conscious partnering is not a product but rather a day-to-day process. It requires a willingness to set aside adolescent images of love as a magic elixir and to embrace a much more complex, challenging, and ultimately fulfilling vision. In a wonderful book, Undefended Love, Jett Psaris and Marlena Lyons describe a familiar dilemma: “Many people have absorbed something of the cultural belief that if we find the right partner and love each other enough, the outcome will be the passionate yet secure relationship we have always hoped for. When we
don’t achieve this, as is so often the case, we believe something is wrong with the relationship, with us, or with our partner.”4

  Psaris and Lyons develop a powerful concept: Our yearning for deep love and our yearning to express the most profound and untamed aspects of ourselves are often at odds. The ways you and your partner successfully adjust to the demands of a relationship can, paradoxically, keep you from deeply knowing one another and supporting the raw beauty that lies within each of you. In conscious partnership, on the other hand, the form and rules are never orderly and are forever changing.

  This is necessitated by one of nature’s more irritating interpersonal paradoxes: The adjustments and agreements we make so our relationship will run more smoothly often require that we suppress our deeper, wild nature. How do you resolve the tension between the requirements of your relationship and the elemental core of your being? This lifelong project involves building a partnership in which your messy, juicy, deepest self is continually informing the relationship. The solutions we come to in order to keep our relationships peaceful and tidy prevent the deep encounters with one another that keep relationships fresh and vital, so “instead of helping us find ways to dismantle the walls between us, making agreements leaves them unchallenged and intact.”5

  Compromises and agreements are, of course, necessary for a relationship to operate. They build a context of safety and support within which the relationship can flourish. The challenge is to not hold on too tightly to these arrangements so the journey of the self is not shut down by the practicalities of the relationship. In the process, each is enhanced. One way of supporting both your partnership and the most authentic parts of each of you is to be alert for when an agreement breaks down. Use that as an opportunity to further your personal evolution and take the relationship to a deeper level of engagement. Rather than rush to plug the hole in the relationship with new promises or a revised agreement, or to compulsively try to meet each other’s every emotional need, take the time to discover and honor the impulses in each of you that have led to the breakdown of the existing agreement. Digging below the surface in this way may cause some short-term discomfort and may even temporarily bring you onto shaky ground with one another, but it is a route to more profound engagement that opens you to the vast resources within each of you.