by Liz Lovelock
“So, the C is obvious: Charity; the phoenix because they always rise from the ashes; cake because it’s your birthday; and the football represents me.”
Without thinking, I rise on my tiptoes and wrap my arms around him. He holds me against him. “Thank you so much,” I whisper against his neck then place a small kiss there. His entire body shivers.
“You deserve it, and now you can collect the ones you want and that mean something special to you. When this one runs out of room, I’ll buy you another.”
My chest swells. Jase is a big man on the outside, but on the inside, he’s a complete softy. Any girl would be lucky to have him.
Releasing me, he shifts back. “Here, I’ll help you put it on.” Once he clasps it, it’s his turn to lean in and place a kiss on my cheek. “We should go, or we’ll be late.”
“Okay.” The sexual tension ripples through me. My arms want to fly around him, and I want to kiss him senseless. I don’t, though.
Yesterday was amazing, and Jase took my breath away with how attentive he was. He made sure my day at school was perfect—well, as perfect as it can be while in classes. Any chance he got, he’d touch me without making it obvious to those around us.
“Are you heading out tonight?” Mom’s voice comes from the doorway.
“Yeah, Paislee and I are having a combined party at her boyfriend’s place. I hope that’s okay?” I rush out the question, panic seizing me.
“It’s okay. I’m glad you have a good group of friends looking out for you.”
“Me too. What do you think?” I gesture to the black leather leggings and my flowing light-pink top.
Mom steps closer. Her hand cups my cheek. “You look beautiful. We’re so lucky to have you here with us, Charity. And that Jase is a sweet guy.”
“He is,” I agree with a small grin.
“Be careful tonight. I know they’re your friends, but as your mother, I worry.” She laughs nervously.
“Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll be with the girls all night. I’ll probably stay over at their dorm. So, don’t stress. I’ll be alright,” I say, tugging at my shirt. “I better get going.”
“How are you getting there?”
“It’s not far from campus, so I’ll walk there.”
She gives me one of her I’m not so sure looks. “It’s dark. I don’t feel good about letting you walk.” When I open my mouth to respond, my phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Hey, is this Charity?” a deep male voice comes through the line. It sounds as though he’s driving.
“Yes, it is.”
“I’m almost at your address with all of your stuff. Are you home?”
No, no, no. I’m not ready. I don’t want to face my demons. The phone drops from my hands.
Mom snatches the phone from the ground. “Hello, who is this?” My ears become muffled to her conversation.
“Charity? Are you okay?” Mom stands in front of me with her face in mine.
I think I nod, but I can’t be sure. “I’m going out. I can’t deal with this, Mom.” My eyes burn with unshed tears.
She nods. “Alright, you go, and I’ll deal with everything, and when you’re ready, it’ll be there for you to go through.”
“Thank you,” I breathe, even though I feel as though I’m about to have a full-blown panic attack. “I need to go.” I don’t give her a chance to respond. She hands me my phone, and I’m out the door and running down the street, thankful that I wore the Converse sneakers that Mom and Paul got me for my birthday. They make for an easier escape.
My legs don’t stop until I’m standing in front of Parker’s place. Music blasts out into the street, and a flood of people walk through the doorway. I need to go inside, but my legs no longer want to push forward. They’re planted on the pavement of the sidewalk, so I stay put.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been in the same spot, but the vibration of my phone pulls me from my trance. It’s a message from Paislee, and it’s followed by one from Jase, aka Mystery Man.
Paislee: Where are you? Things are getting wild here.
Jase: Are you still going to the party?
I respond to Paislee first.
Charity: I’m out front on the sidewalk.
Charity: Yeah, but maybe I’m not ready to meet you tonight now. Something has happened, and I’m all over the place. Sorry.
Even though I know it’s him, I don’t think I can bring myself to be happy about it at the moment. A rush of memories featuring my father slap me across the face. It’s as if he’s standing in front of me and screaming at me, a little spit hitting the corner of my eye as he does. I have to refrain from wiping it away, or he’ll full-on spit in my face. A metallic taste in my mouth pulls me back to reality. None of that is going to happen again. My lip is clamped between my teeth, and my jaw is locked.
Moments later, Paislee steps out of the front door and rushes toward me, concern etched in her features. “What’s wrong? Come on, let’s go enjoy our night.” She takes my hand and drags me behind her. My feet move, and my mind buzzes. Paislee has obviously had quite a bit to drink. The minute I step inside the doorway, Addison hands me a drink, which I take.
“Drink that slow or else it’ll go straight to your head. Have you eaten?” Addison asks. I find myself nodding. Did I eat? Who cares? Placing the cup to my lips, I tip it back, and the burn that follows is somewhat soothing, but it doesn’t erase what’s going through my head.
All my stuff is going to be there, and I’m going to have to go through Dad’s things as well. All those painful memories stab me in the stomach. A part of me wishes I could set it all on fire.
Loud laughter draws my attention. Turning, I find Jase leaning against a wall with some girl standing super close to him. She laughs again and rests her hand on his arm which is crossed over his chest. My heart aches, and those familiar walls start to rebuild. And my drink suddenly turns sour in my stomach. I should have known this whole thing was too good to be true.
It’s like the floor is collapsing underneath me, and I’m Alice tumbling down the dark rabbit hole. Only this one doesn’t lead me to all those fantastical places. It’s taking me somewhere I don’t want to go. A place where broken, damaged, and closed-off Charity dwells.
The voices around me become muffled noise. My eyes roam around the room, and I continue to down the drink Addison handed me. I have no idea what’s in it, but it’s slowly numbing the pain coursing through me. I want more.
“You look so pretty tonight, Charity.” Paislee pulls me in for a hug. My body has gone into robot mode. I give Paislee a one-armed hug. “Don’t worry about her. He’s not interested in her,” she whispers in my ear before we separate.
“Whatever. I’m going to get another drink. What’s in this one?” I hold up my cup to the girls.
My body starts tingling before I even get a chance to walk away. Jase has stepped into our circle. “Hey, ladies. What’s going on? Having a good night?” He seems happy.
“Yep, we’re good. I’m going to top up.” I plaster a fake smile on my face and step away from the group to refill my cup with something strong, or maybe I’ll down a few shots to eliminate these stupid feelings.
My eyes roam over the different bottles of spirits lining the kitchen counter. Vodka stands out the most. I pour myself one, and then I toss it back. And then another. When I’m about to throw back the third one, a hand catches my arm. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Jase’s voice sounds furious. His eyes blaze.
Shrugging, I lean against the counter. “Drinking. What does it look like? Plus, I’m enjoying my party. What? Are you going to wreck my night now, being a big macho man again?”
He releases my arm as though I’ve stung him. “This isn’t you.” He waves his hands at me and gestures to the drink in my hand.
Rolling my eyes, I say, “What makes you think you know me so well?” My words slur a little, but before he says anything else, I empty my cup in my mouth and grin.
I fold my arms over my chest. My eyes hold his gaze. Stubbornness has never been my forte, but the alcohol has given me some strength, which I’m sure will be gone the moment I sober up and reality sets in. “Who cares? I’m enjoying my teen years and doing everything I was told I shouldn’t because that stuff makes me a bad girl. Did you know I’m a slut if I even kiss a boy?” Verbal diarrhea spills from me.
Jase steps closer. I don’t stop him. “You’re not a bad girl. You’re a regular girl experiencing life. You’re smart and talented, and you’re the girl I’ve waited for.” He’s saying all the right things. Everything about Jase is perfect, except me. I’d be that tainted black spot in his life.
“Just don’t, okay? I know what I am, and I know I’m not good enough for someone like you. I thought I could be, but not anymore.” My body trembles. “Jase, I just don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to hear my father’s voice in my head every time I do something. Happiness is what I want, but the minute I get within an inch of it, he’s there.” Tears slide down my face. It’s not going to be a pretty sight since I didn’t use waterproof mascara. I couldn’t care less, though.
Jase’s body is against mine, and he wraps me in his familiar musky scent. A wave of security and calm washes over me. “I can help you if you’ll let me. Let me in, Charity. Let me be your person.”
“I know it’s you,” I blurt out.
He pulls back slightly but keeps a hold on me. His contact is soothing the turmoil within me. “Me, what?”
“Mystery Man.”
“Paislee told you,” he says, and I nod. “Good, because I was going to tell you anyway tonight. I’m sick of playing games. You deserve to know it’s me.”
“I think I should go home. I’m not in a partying mood.”
“Did you eat tonight? Do you want to come back to my place until your head settles, and we can get some food into you?”
I shrug. “I can’t remember. Everything is kind of a blur. I received a call to say that my dad’s stuff was arriving, and it’s thrown me. I don’t want to deal with any of it.” Tears fill my eyes again.
“Come on. Let’s get out of here.” Jase wraps his arm around my waist, securing me against him, and leads me out of the party.
Of course she’d be thrown with everything that belonged to her father showing up. How is she supposed to deal with all those memories, especially the painful ones?
When we arrive at my place, I help her out of the car. “You could have just taken me home. I feel bad leaving the party the girls put together for me.”
“Trust me, they’ll think you were there all night. They drink a lot more than you do.”
She giggles. “I’m not much of a drinker if you didn’t already notice. Perhaps it’s a sign that I shouldn’t do it.”
“That’s your decision,” I say. “There’s no way I’d tell a girl what to do or not to do.”
“You’re such a gentleman.” She playfully pokes me in the chest and laughs. Clearly, those drinks are really hitting her now.
After leading her inside, I sit her down on the couch. “I’ll go and put some food together for you. Do you want to watch a movie?”
“I can think of another thing I’ve never done that we could do.”
My body heats with her admission.
Clearing my throat, I say, “Well, maybe not tonight. When you’re sober would be a better time for something like that. I’ll be back.”
There’s no way I plan on deflowering this girl when she’s drunk. She’s everything and more. With her, I have to tread slowly. Baby steps. She’s fragile, and who knows what’s going to spook her.
I head to the kitchen and get to work. Five minutes later, I return and hand her the plate with a cheese and ham sandwich on it along with a bottle of water. “Here you go.” She takes it and places it on her lap before taking a small bite. “You need to eat the whole thing, and I’m sure tomorrow you’re not going to be feeling so hot.”
“Urgh, I’m not looking forward to that. I can already feel a dull ache sitting in the back of my head. Thanks for looking after me tonight.”
Reaching out, I place my hand on her leg and give it a small squeeze. This girl is so much more than what she thinks of herself. “Like I said, I’m here for you. I don’t plan on going anywhere. And when you’re ready, do you think we could give us a shot?”
She starts coughing and choking on her sandwich.
“Here.” I hand her the water bottle. She downs a couple of mouthfuls.
“Sorry, my throat is dry. Jase. You’re amazing, and you’ve been so patient with me, but I’m not sure I can do this right now. I’m all messed up.” She taps her head, and red-hot anger pours through me.
“You are not crazy. That stupid man who called himself your father wasn’t much of one. If anything, you should be doing the opposite of whatever he said. It’s all wrong.” I sigh and suck in a breath to calm myself down. When I meet her gaze, she’s wide-eyed, and I sense I somewhat frightened her. I take her hand. “I’m sorry. It’s just when it comes to you, I get so angry when you think you’re not good enough. You are—you’re so much more than I’ll ever deserve. Please believe me when I say that I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt you.”
She looks away, and I think I hear my heart break a little. “I know. It’s all me, though, Jase. My head and my heart are on two different playing fields at the moment. I want to follow my heart, but then my head gets in my way. It won’t always be like this. I need to battle my own demons, and then, hopefully, we can figure things out. You’re the right guy in every way. You’re perfect. Any girl would be lucky to have you in her life.” Her throat catches. Is she telling me goodbye?
“Please, Charity. Don’t push me away.” My grip tightens on her hand.
Placing the plate on the small table beside the couch, she turns to face me. “I think I should go home.” She’s become so unreadable. All her emotions seem to have shut down. She’s not the Charity who walked in the door with me only moments ago.
“Please,” I beg. “Don’t shut me out.”
She stands and dusts the crumbs from herself. I’m off the couch in seconds. “If you can’t take me home, I’ll get an Uber.” She wrings her hands together. I’m not liking what’s happening. How can I stop her? How can I help her?
Sighing, I say, “I’ll take you.”
The short ride to her place is a silent one. Charity doesn’t look my way, and I, in turn, keep my eyes forward, even though there’s something pulling me in her direction. When I stop out front, I reach over and touch her arm. “I need you to know something.”
“What?” Her voice is almost robotic. She still doesn’t glance my way.
“I think I’m falling in love with you, Charity. Please don’t shut me out.”
She nods and climbs from the car without a word. My heart cracks. Once she’s inside, rage takes over, and I smash my palm on the steering wheel. “I’m so stupid.” I should have kept my mouth shut. I’m always moving too fast and screwing things up.
As much as I wanted to hear Jase’s admission, it’s not something I can act on at the moment. Who would ever want a crazy, emotional girl like me? I can’t put that burden on him.
I strip off and put on my pajamas. I crawl under the blankets, and even though I’m tired, it’s like my body and mind know there’s a cloud of uncertainty hanging over me. Knowing all Dad’s stuff is packed away near me has me on edge. What am I going to find? Will I find a peace I’ve been looking for or just more unhappiness? Will I continue to live in fear of what my father has filled my head with?
Jase is the one guy I could easily give my heart to, but it’s so hard to release all the fears I have. I don’t want to be
his burden. He’s going places; he has so much potential. And unless I get the help I need, I won’t be able to move forward.
Tomorrow I start cleansing, and that means going through and tossing out everything of my father’s that causes me pain.
A dip in the bed has my eyes springing open in alarm. “What’s going on?” I ask, panicked.
“It’s okay, honey. It’s just me. I thought you weren’t coming home last night?”
After rubbing my eyes, I open them and focus on Mom. “I just felt like coming home,” I respond a little defensively.
Mom releases a heavy breath. “Charity, I know it’s hard having to deal with this stuff of your father’s. I’m happy to help. Just don’t start shutting out everyone around you.” She gets up and leaves. At the door, she stops. “There’s someone here to see you as well.”
Before I can ask who, she’s gone. Slowly, I drag myself from the comfy spot I just was hoping to lie in all day. Choosing not to change, I head downstairs, and as I get halfway down, my stomach twists in a good way. Jase stands inside at the front door. He glances around until his eyes finally settle on me. Pink hits his cheeks. I suppose wearing my short shorts and singlet top wasn’t such a good idea.
“How are you feeling today? I wanted to check and make sure you were alright after last night.” Concern in his eyes has me swooning. He really does care.
Descending the rest of the stairs, I come to a stop in front of him. Folding my arms, I say, “I’m okay. Only a small headache.” My head stays down because I know the moment I stare into those familiar eyes long enough, I’m screwed.
“That’s good. I was hoping we could spend today together?”
“Thanks, but no thanks. Not today.”
Jase takes a step closer to me. A shiver runs down my spine. “Charity, please don’t shut me out. I care about you.”