by Liz Lovelock
I move back and glance up at him. “Who could ever want to be with someone as broken as me? On the outside, I appear normal and happy, even. On the inside, I’m a tornado of anger, hate, confusion, and the list goes on. I can’t put that on you. I won’t put that burden on you.” Tears sting my eyes.
Jase reaches for me. I twist and move again. “Charity, I know what I want, and it’s you.”
I hold my hand up, and he stops.
“Just don’t. Please leave.” Jase opens his mouth—I’m sure to protest—but I simply turn and go back upstairs. My head is already too full and dark. I need to find the light at the end of the tunnel, and I can’t do that with Jase around. As much as he says he wants me, I won’t be a weight on his shoulders. His own father is burden enough.
After clawing my way back beneath the sheets, I pull the blanket over my head, shutting out the world and drowning myself in darkness.
What feels like hours later, my blankets are ripped from my body.
“What the hell?” I growl.
“Get out of this bed. I won’t let you fall into the same pit I did,” Mom says. “Now, get out of this bed and get dressed. We’re going to put your bed and desk in today.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
“I won’t let you wallow. We are going to work and talk through this. Now go and get dressed, and come have some lunch, and then we’ll get started.” She exits and takes my blanket and sheet with her—I’m guessing so I can’t just curl back up and go to sleep. Gee, she can be a hardass.
Taking my time, I slowly get dressed and then make my way downstairs where Mom has a sandwich with a glass of juice ready for me. She points to a place at the table. “Sit and eat. You’re not getting out of this. Paul has taken the kids out for the afternoon.”
“I’m not hungry,” I grumble.
“I don’t care. Take one bite, and we’ll get started.”
“Gee, drill sergeant much?”
“Don’t give me the lip. I’ve been where you are, only I lost a child. Now she’s in front of me, and I can see her spiraling like I did. I won’t let that happen to you. You have an appointment on Monday with a psychologist, and we’re going to work through your stuff together whether you like it or not. I love you and care about you. And so does that young man that was standing in the doorway this morning.” She jabs a finger at the front door. “He told me how you acted last night, and that’s the final straw for me. I won’t let that evil man break you or break your spirit.” Her voice cracks. A weight settles in my stomach as her words slowly sink in.
Reaching out, I take her hand. “Sorry, Mom.”
“You’re stronger than you think, and you need to give that young man a chance. I’m not sure if you know this or not, but he wrote you letters after you left. He gave them to me to send with my letters and gifts.”
“What? I just assumed you both forgot about me. I resented you and hated him. When I first saw him, I didn’t want anything to do with him.”
Mom shakes her head. “I’m guessing your father destroyed the letters so you would assume that we didn’t care about you, and I’m truly sorry he did that. But take my word for it when I say that Jase cares about you, honey. He loves you. He told me so himself this morning.” She gives me a weak smile.
“Okay, I’ll try to do better.”
“Honey, you’re already doing better. You don’t have to be perfect here. We all love you, flaws and all.” She kisses my forehead and walks away with unshed tears in her eyes.
After I finish my sandwich, we head out to the shed. “You ready?” Mom asks as her hand grips the door. “There’s a lot of stuff, but we’ll get through it.”
“Okay.” My voice is barely a whisper.
Mom cracks the door and pulls it open. Immediately, I’m slapped with my father’s familiar mothball-type scent—one that I’d much rather forget.
“First, we’ll get the bed and desk up into your room and then pull the old one apart. Paul will have to help us with the mattress. It is pretty heavy.” She laughs a little.
Stepping into the area full of boxes and some small furniture, the urge to run and get some gas and set this place on fire overwhelms me. I hate the man who hurt me, who turned me into this petrified little mouse. But hopefully, with the help from Mom and possibly Jase, I can do this. I am stronger than I believe.
After Mom and I drag what we can up into my room, remove the old bed, and set up my original one, we take a small break. My phone vibrates.
Jase: How are you? I know you told me to leave, but I can’t walk away again. I already lost you once, and I’m not going to let it happen again.
“Is that Jase?”
“Yeah, how did you know?” I glance up from my phone. She’s taking a bite out of one of her homemade savory muffins.
She smiles. “The way your face changed tells me all I need to.”
“How do you mean? I don’t think it changed.”
“It did. Your smile was instant, and your cheeks went pinker than usual. What did he have to say to cause this reaction?” she teases.
“Nothing much, just telling me that he’s not going to leave me alone basically,” I say while trying to play it cool, even though I’m buzzing and really just want to talk to him and tell him I’m sorry for how I acted. Mom has really shown me that it’s okay to be a little broken and still find love. She won’t let me fall, and I have no doubt that Jase would do anything to keep me safe and happy. Now it’s up to me. Only, I’m just not ready to let him in until I get my head together. First, I want to get through all of Dad’s stuff then erase it from my memory as best as I can.
“He’s a good kid, that one.” Mom gives me an approving glance before taking our plates and placing them in the sink. “Alright, let’s go tackle some of these other boxes before Paul and the kids get home.”
Dread pools in my stomach, but it needs to happen.
After opening the first box, I know exactly where it’s going. It’s full of Dad’s clothes. “These are for the trash.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to donate them? There are people who could wear them.” Mom has a point.
“Okay.” Closing the box, I slide it to the side where I’ve already got a pile started for donations. It’s got old furniture I no longer want or need and some of Dad’s books that were on top of the clothes.
Paul arrives home an hour later, so Mom has to sort out dinner. “Will you be alright? You don’t have to keep going without me.”
“It’s okay. I’d rather get it finished.”
“Okay, I’m inside if you need me. Also, I think you need to message Jase back. Your phone hasn’t stopped since we came back out here.” She grins then heads inside.
Grabbing my phone from the bench, I see there are three messages. One from Paislee and two from Jase.
Paislee: Hey girl, just checking in to see how you’re doing? I feel like I’ve been hit by a car. Never again am I drinking like that. Poor Dane had to carry my drunk ass to bed last night. Good thing he loves me.
Jase: Paislee has called me to find out how you are because she saw us leave last night. I told her you weren’t feeling well.
Jase: I really hate not talking to you. Please answer me. Gee, that sounds desperate. Just talk to me, Charity.
Placing my phone down, I get back to work. This job needs to get finished as soon as possible, because I need my father out of my life. I can’t erase everything by simply throwing it out, but it can help.
I pull a smaller box toward me and cut the tape with scissors. As I lift the flaps, my mouth drops to the floor. My heart does a flip. Reaching in, I pick up the unopened package. Turning it over, I check the sender. Tears fill my eyes when I see Mom’s name written there. There is a heap of unopened packages and letters. My dad had kept them all, but why?
Reaching in, I grab a bunch of envelopes. They’re all letters from Mom and Jase. I can’t stop the tears sliding down my face. After taking the top one and placing the rest back down, I sit o
n the concrete floor.
Dear Charity,
I miss you. You are my best friend. Today I started school for another year, and you weren’t there. It made me so sad. I sat in class crying. I just want my friend back.
Love,
Jase
A sob rips from my chest. He did miss me. He didn’t forget me. Staring at the letter from nine-year-old Jase, my chest feels as though it wants to explode. Emotions I’ve never experienced pour through me. Jase was my best friend, and he never forgot me. Although, maybe he did as he got older, because even I never expected to come back here. I thought it was always going to be Dad and me. Seems as though fate stepped in and gave me another chance at a happier life. I intend to grab it with two hands and never let the good things be taken for granted.
I’m sobbing on the floor as I read letter after letter from Jase. I come across some from Mom.
My darling girl,
If you get this, I want you to know that you are my first love. The moment I held you in my arms, I knew you were special. You were my nine pounds of precious, and watching you grow was a blessing. The day your father took you away from me, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I wanted you back so bad. It was as though a limb had been taken from me.
Don’t believe anything that man tells you. The moment you’re able, you come back to me, and I’ll keep you safe.
It’s your sweet sixteenth today, and I wish that I could be there to celebrate with you. Every year you’ll have received letters and presents from me on your birthday and Christmas, and you’ll also find the same from your friend Jase. He misses you; he tells me every day. How I wish I could come and get you, but I can’t.
Just remember Momma loves you and always will. I hope we have some time together soon.
Love always, your mom
She and Jase had written me every year. I begin sorting the letters into piles—one for Mom and another for Jase. The two most important people in my life never gave up on me. If anything, they were my silent cheerleaders. I may not have known they were, but reading these letters affirms that they were. I pick one up from Jase that’s dated a couple of weeks before my dad died.
Hey Charity,
Well, I’m sure you’re all grown up now. I made a promise long ago that I would write, and I’ve kept that promise. Every year I write and still get nothing back. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’ll keep doing this in the hope that one day you’ll read these letters, remember who I am, and come home.
We miss you, your mom and I. You were my best friend and I’d like to have you back in my life if possible.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Your friend,
Jase
Without thinking, I scramble for my phone and send a quick message.
Charity: I need you. Come now.
I bolt upright when I read Charity’s message.
Jase: I’m on my way.
I don’t even have to think about it. If she needs me, I’m there. What if something terrible has happened? I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t go. She replies seconds later.
Charity: Come around the back to the shed. I’m in there.
Right away, I know it’s got something to do with her father. Thankfully, I don’t live far. I’m out the door in seconds and on my way.
After pulling up, I leap from my car and run around the back where she told me she’d be. I stand at the door to the shed, the handle in my hand, hoping she’s okay. I twist it and step into a massive mess. Boxes line the walls, and piles of stuff are sorted on the opposite side. How the hell am I supposed to find her in this maze of rubbish. “Charity?” I call.
“I’m over here.”
Is she crying? Heading toward her voice, I come up short when I find her on the floor with a heap of envelopes and packages scattered around her. Her eyes are bright red, along with her nose.
I rush to her and wrap my arms around her. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Everything is fine. You wrote to me not long ago.”
Maneuvering my body, I sit behind her with my legs on either side and wrap her in my arms. “I did.” I’d completely forgotten. “You showing up threw me, and I neglected to mention it.”
“Look, I found every letter and parcel from you and Mom. You really did never forget me.”
Leaning my head against hers, I inhale her apple-scented shampoo. “I never could. But that letter was probably going to be my last. I had to let you go. I hadn’t heard from you. I suppose a part of me was hanging on to the hope you’d come back, and then, out of nowhere, you were here.”
“I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting. I didn’t want to be a burden on you with my messed-up head and all.” She turns her head, her green eyes shining with tears. Without thinking, I press my mouth to hers. My hand grips her neck and holds her against me; I never want to let her go.
“I’ll take you, all of you. I love you,” I whisper against her freshly kissed lips.
“I love you too. Thank you for not giving up on me.”
“I never will.”
One week later
“So, this is officially happening now? You and Jase.” Paislee practically bounces in her seat as we wait for the players to run out onto the field.
My grin hasn’t been wiped from my face the whole week. “Yep. It’s happening.”
“Oh yeah, I’m a great matchmaker.” She holds her hand up, waiting for a high five, which of course I give her. Earlier this week, I’d filled her in on the letters I found. She was blown away that Jase had actually taken the time to write them to me for so long. He didn’t seem like the type, she’d said.
“And how are you with everything about your dad?”
“I’m okay. I went and saw the psychologist on Monday. It was good to offload to someone who can offer the help I need. Jase has been amazingly supportive, as has Mom. So, everything is slowly working its way into place.”
“That’s really good. I’m happy for you, and I’m so glad you came back into my life.”
“Me too,” I say.
She opens her mouth to say something but then the crowd goes crazy. Paislee and I stand with the rest of the fans. Clapping and loud whooping come from Paislee and me.
“I think you pair are the loudest here tonight,” Elsie says.
Addison and Elsie stand there with handfuls of food and drinks. We grab the food and take our seats.
“Well, we have to be. Charity has to show all the support for her man.” Paislee gives me a sly grin.
Both Addison and Elsie face me with their eyes wide. “So, you’re officially together?” Elsie asks.
“Yep,” I respond before taking a sip of my drink.
We watch the game, chatting. Jase keeps glancing up to where we’re sitting. He gives me little waves and keeps playing. The simple gesture starts a swarm of butterflies in my stomach.
Our team scores the winning try. The crowd goes crazy. I love the vibe and excitement here. It’s electric.
“Where’s he going?” Elsie asks. When I follow her line of sight, Jase is heading for the stands. “Oh, I think I know exactly where he’s heading.”
Paislee shifts to let him in. My eyes follow his every move as he stands right beside me. I stand, and Jase wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me against him then dips his head and his mouth presses against mine. People around us are wolf-whistling and cheering. Heat warms my cheeks.
He pulls back but keeps his head pressed against mine. “I love you. Always have, always will.”
Grinning from ear to ear, I say, “I love you too.”
His mouth claims mine. Happiness and love is something I’m glad I came home to. Everything I need is here in this town. The man beside me has helped pull me back from hell, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
Two years later
“I’m so glad we’re doing this and that everyone can make it,” I say to Jase while standing in the kitchen of the house we’ve just purchased. Jase got drafted
to the New York Giants like his brother, Lachlan. Lachlan has been a regular visitor to our place, along with my family and his. His dad has backed off a bit now that Jase is in the position he wants him to be in. So long as Jase is happy, then I am as well.
“Yeah, everybody has their crazy schedules now,” he says as he gets the steaks ready to grill.
“I know, it’s really amazing that all the guys were signed to the same team,” I say. Parker, Aiden, and Dane all work pretty amazingly together. Even Aiden got drafted to the NBA. Things were pretty rough between Elsie and Aiden when school ended. He had to go back to Australia until his immigration paperwork was sorted. So, Elsie tagged along and got to meet his family. A month later, they were back, and he went right into training.
Parker and Addison are like the golden couple. They are serious couple goals. Him being the captain has drawn some attention to him and his family. Addison handles it well.
Paislee rings me weekly with updates on what’s going on with her and Dane and their lives. She’s still head over heels for him.
Jase washes his hands and comes and wraps his arms around my waist. He places his hands on my stomach, rubbing it slightly. “I just can’t wait to tell them our news.”
“Me either. It’s going to be great.” Being four months pregnant and keeping it a secret for such a long time has been super hard, but we wanted to wait to share the news until we got all our friends together. I don’t think I’ve left the house unless it’s been for a doctor’s appointment.
Mom has been on the phone with me almost daily. She’s so excited to get baby cuddles and to become a grandma. I’d asked Paul if he would be happy to be called grandad, and I’ve never seen a man cry like that before, but he did, and then I did, and soon Mom followed. I swear Jase thought he’d picked the wrong family to be a part of in that moment.
There’s a knock on the door. Placing a kiss on my cheek and a second rub on my not-yet-showing belly, Jase says, “I’ll get it.”
I finish cutting things for the salad when I hear the greetings happening at the front door. “Everyone’s here,” Jase says as he comes back into the kitchen. There’s a squeal of greetings. After wiping my hands, I go and give the girls hugs and greet the guys.