by Tara Wimble
Others jump in and add their own comments, Bella in particular stresses that they’d rather focus on the task at hand than the future afterwards.
After that Jacque doesn’t speak, not wanting to break the news and the optimism for something still mulling around in her mind. The call ends and the three of them all breathe a sigh of relief now that it’s all over with.
“No more press until camp.” Sadie sing-songs. Bella claps once and then pulls herself up out of her seat, yelling something about lunch as she leaves the room.
She takes a little of the light away from the kitchen as she does so.
“Hey, snap out of your googly eyes.” Sadie snaps her fingers. “It’s your turn to cook.”
“Wait, what? Since when?” Jacque questions the legitimacy of that statement. She didn’t sign up for this.
“Oh you did.” Sadie says with a smirk. “When me and Bella agreed we weren’t doing it and Quenby and Lexi cooked yesterday.”
Sadie moonwalks badly out of the kitchen in victory and leaves Jacque sitting there, offended and slightly jealous she can do that, to ponder cooking instead of the other worries on her mind.
It’s a good thing she likes her roommates.
*
Moments free from soccer are rare in their apartment. If Bella isn’t out running drills with Quenby then she’s out with Sadie helping her practice, or Lexi is dragging Jacque to the field and coming back worse than Jacque does in the end. Their hallway is a health hazard trail of cleats and trainers. There’s always one knee length sock in the laundry that someone has to claim five days after losing it.
There’s always an Bella and Jacque show to watch. Always soccer on TV and twitter and Facebook and-
It’s nice to block it out every once in a while.
Bella dips her hands into the soapy water, smiling stupidly as the water rises up her arms, while she washes up the plates from their dinner.
“I need to buy a card and maybe order some flowers for my sister.” She mutters to Jacque and to herself. “Her wedding anniversary is that week we’re in Boston.”
Jacque rubs the dish cloth over the plate. “I’ll remind you. You’ll have to go into town for the order anyway so you can pick out the flowers.”
“I can pick them out online.”
“No, you can’t.” Jacque squabbles with her playfully. “Because you’re that girl who has to smell them all before you decide. That’s before you realize that it doesn’t really matter what you think because they’re not actually for you-”
Bella flicks the water off her fingers into Jacque’s face.
“Watch the hair!” Jacque flinches away laughing, just barely keeping hold of the plate in her hand.
“Talk shit, get hit.” Bella jokes.
“Um, this is an unsafe environment.” Jacque completely dries off the plate and anticipates the next one.
Bella’s dwelling though so Jacque leans a hip against the counter and takes in the whole scene. Bella’s scrubbing away absently and in reality the plate has been clean for about a minute but she’s off in another world comprised of flowers for her sister and who even knows what.
Jacque’s not in any rush to snap her out of it.
“Are flowers too impersonal?” Bella tilts her head up at Jacque. “That just spells bad sister, I forgot, look I ordered these in an hour, doesn’t it?”
“I don’t think so?” Jacque frowns, accepting a peck on the lips as Bella hands her the plate to dry.
“I don’t think so as in ‘that’s not what I’d do’ or I don’t think so because it totally is.”
“What?” Bella’s scrubbing the next plate in their queue like it’s personally done something to them and Jacque wonders just for a moment whether they should switch positions. “Is that a question?”
“Is that a question.” Bella mimics, flicking a little more water at Jacque. “Yes, Jacque. Obviously. This is important.”
“Um.” Jacque puts her plate down. “I pick the option that’s not going to put you in a bad mood.”
“That’s the most domestic thing you’ve ever said to me.”
“Really? Because I definitely remember asking you about picking flowers when we planned our WEDDING and you didn’t really care too much then.” Jacque sets the plate down, maybe a little too heavily, and winces.
“That didn’t count!” Bella isn’t so careful with her plate and Jacque is a small percentage sure it could be shattered underneath all of that water.
“Didn’t count?” Jacque scoffs. “You were more concerned about the cake!”
“I can’t send my sister cake!” Bella splashes her hands in the water aggressively. “The layers wouldn’t stand the transport. There’d be icing EVERYWHERE.”
“That would be a sticky situation now, wouldn’t it?” Jacque jokes trying to lighten the mood because Bella is stressing out and somehow this turned into a fight and she still wants her cuddles at the end of the night.
Bella looks like she’s about to blow a gasket. “Not the time for jokes!”
“What’s going on?” Quenby and Lexi burst through the door looking alarmed. “We heard raised voices!”
Jacque has the dishcloth she’s been using to dry the dishes pressed into Bella’s face to stop her arguing and she looks bashfully at their roommates. “Um, we’re discussing cake.”
“Discussing?”
“Enthusiastically discussing.”
Lexi scrunches her nose. “Is this a sex thing?”
“No!” Bella exclaims, pushing the towel away from her face. “The answer to that question is always no!”
Jacque shrugs. “Unless it’s yes.”
“Do you want it to ever be yes again?” Bella warns.
Jacque turns back to their friends and nods along. “Cake.”
Quenby sighs heavily. “As you were.” And then both of them retreat as quickly as they came, sensing there is no danger to be stopped. Looking at it now it makes Jacque feel a little childish and-
Bella can’t hide her laughter. Tiny lines spring up by her eyes and she stifles the amusement by turning back to the dishes to get on with the work. Jacque isn’t as quick.
This was a pointless argument. It wasn’t even a good argument because they didn’t mean a thing and it’s not like the ones they’ve had when they’ve both felt awful after it. Jacque feels like laughing along and pointing out how worried Quenby and Lexi got.
She feels like having this kind of argument for the rest of their lives.
*
Jacque pretends to be asleep when Bella sneaks into bed, tiptoeing around the room as she only does when she thinks Jacque has had a long day and doesn’t want to wake her. But truth be told she hadn’t been sleeping anyway.
Couldn’t.
Not with the thing that’d been on her mind, not when she’d finally come to a decision.
A decision that would change both of their lives and she couldn’t very well sleep knowing that Bella didn’t have a clue. That she was planning for a future Jacque planned to leave behind.
At least one facet anyway.
Bella inched up her side of the covers and Jacque felt the cool air of the AC rushing into her makeshift cocoon. In the end it was the resulting shiver that gave her away.
“You awake?” Bella asks softly, settling down on her side, adjusting the pillows so her head is elevated to the perfect angle.
“No.” Jacque lies but the clarity in her voice betrays her, still she tries to play it off like it’s any other night that Bella comes in after her. “C’mon, cuddle me back to sleep.”
Bella sighs. “You weren’t sleeping.”
“Yes I was.” It comes out defensively and Jacque is immediately apologetic because she can feel Bella’s annoyance. “No, I wasn’t.”
“I know.” If it wasn’t dark the eye roll would be more than just evident in Bella’s voice.
Jacque turns over so they’re face to face and it takes a few moments but her eyes adjust to the dark and
she can make out Bella’s features with just the barest traces of moonlight peeking through the top window in their bedroom. She sees Bella’s face and she wants nothing more than to be held by her because she needs her touch, her reassurance. Because there’s no way she can keep this secret when Bella’s looking at her like that through the darkness.
“Can you cuddle me anyway?” She asks and without hesitation Bella shifts so Jacque can lay half of her body over hers, nesting her head in the crook of Bella’s neck.
They don’t lay like this often enough for Jacque’s liking, Bella is usually the one who likes to be cuddled, but when it does happen it’s important. It just means something more.
“Talk to me.” Bella whispers into the top of her head, chasing her words with a kiss into her curls. “You’re scaring me.”
All of the buildup, all of the carefully deliberated decision-making, the weighted pros and cons lists in her head boil down to this moment. To the few words that etch this all in stone. “I’m retiring after the World Cup.”
Six words. All it takes is six words and it’s set.
For her part Bella doesn’t try to sit up or push her away or react in anger like Jacque had feared. There was a small part of her that worried Bella would look at her differently. Think of her in a dimmer light.
It’s a stupid thought now that Bella’s holding on to her even tighter, clutching as though loosening her grip even the slightest would mean Jacque would leave forever.
Finally she speaks. “I’m so proud of you.” She mumbles it into Jacque’s hair, placing soft kisses between words and Jacque swears that she feels a few tears fall as well.
And with those five words Jacque hears three. She hears it and feels validated in her decision, empowered in embracing the end with the thought of everything that will rise out of it.
Jacque clutches her arm tighter around Bella’s stomach and they cling to each other in the dark.
She’s finally said it and now her life as she’s known it to be has an expiration date.
Summer 2015.
All roads lead to Vancouver.
*
Bella gets up way before Jacque does despite going to bed later and after last night’s admission she feels shockingly like she’s sneaking out of bed when she heads to the kitchen.
And maybe she is.
She’d meant exactly what she’d said. She is proud that Jacque is deciding to leave on her own terms but she always sort of figured they’d try to push through to 2016 together. Retire at the end of the cycle and then, well, the vision of what happens after has changed as they have.
But it was always the plan, at least in her mind, that they were in this together. Not that they aren’t or that she isn’t and won’t be supportive. It’s just-
Different.
But then where does this leave them?
Because right now they exist in this safe little zone. They’re together but also bound by something much bigger than themselves. Soccer is as much a part of their story as they are. And Jacque’s giving that up, at least actively.
There’s a small voice inside of her head that worries it’s the glue. Once Jacque leaves the national team, leaves the Red Stars, there’s no anchor.
What if soccer, playing together, is what keeps them together.
She means to be getting food together and making some sort of breakfast that they may or may not end up eating in bed but she’s stuck by the counter, staring at the cupboards, trying to wrap her mind around the fact that change is just around the not-so-distant corner.
She hears sock-muted footsteps in the hallway and takes a deep breath.
Jacque comes up behind her in the kitchen and wraps her arms around Bella's waist. "Are you mad about what I said last night?"
"I'm not mad it's just-" Bella rests her hands on the counter. "Surprised."
Jacque kisses the back of her neck and waits. "I guess, I just thought you'd always be there when I looked back."
"You've thought that before."
"On the field." Bella clarifies. "Now you're not gonna be there."
Jacque rests her chin on Bella's shoulder. "I won't be so far away. Maybe more to the sideline than the backline in future."
Bella accepts her embrace. “You seriously want to coach the national team?”
It’s a funny thought but not something out of the blue. “Well, I might start a bit smaller than that. See if I can hack it as a head coach somewhere first.”
Laughter. “I’m not sure Rory will be too happy that you’re out for his job.”
Jacque kisses her jaw. “You’ll keep quiet about my plot to overthrow him, right?”
“I don’t know. I may need bribing. Or something.” Bella murmurs.
Or something turns out to be Jacque dragging Bella back to bed for the rest of the morning until Sadie bangs on their door to complain about the noise.
*
But they push on because that’s what they have to do, they only have a short time with the Red Stars before they leave for international duty and so it’s up to them to make every moment count.
On and off the field.
Jacque has always known her just a little bit better than she ever let on and it’s turned into a blessing and a curse. She can’t really hide anything from her, that’s just trust and proximity, but it’s especially difficult to hide her feelings.
They’re sitting on the deck one night, Quenby’s cooking them all a feast, just for the roommates. The weather is perfect and there’s wine and music. It’s the perfect summer evening with friends.
Jacque’s standing off alone, leaning against the railing and looking out at the city. Bella pours them both a glass of white wine and crosses the deck.
“Come up with anything good?” She jokes flatly, setting Jacque’s glass next to her precariously on the rail, she holds her own still in her hand.
“Huh?” Jacque takes her glass, angling her body so Bella can fit in the space between her and the railing. It’s a snug fit but it’s not like they’re exactly shy.
Bella takes a sip before answering. “Looked like you had some deep thoughts going.”
“Oh yeah.” Jacque smiles, dropping her voice seriously. “You know how it is, ‘people live their whole lives’.”
“Shut up.” Bella laughs, bracing herself against Jacque. “I said that once, I’m hardly Sophie.”
“I don’t know about that.” Jacque jokes, wincing when Bella stomps her foot lightly. “Fine, fine. I give up.”
“That’s what I thought.” She takes another sip of wine and reaches around to pull Jacque closer. “What were you really thinking about?”
Jacque sighs and looks past Bella again to the city skyline. “That is such a girlfriend question.”
Bella hooks her thumb in the back belt loop of Jacque’s jeans, resting her hand in her pocket. “Good thing I’m your girlfriend then.”
“Good thing.” But she doesn’t answer, just turns away from the city and rests her head against Bella’s. “It’s nothing.”
Everything in her tone says it’s something and for once Bella wishes that she was able to read Jacque with the pinpoint accuracy that Jacque is able to read her.
“Do you want to stay here?” Jacque cuts off any interjection she was planning.
“This apartment?” She’s not being purposefully obtuse but the question was so broad she’s starting at the path of least resistance and letting Jacque dictate from there.
“Chicago.” Jacque pulls her head back again, searching her eyes.
“I don’t know.” Bella answers honestly. “Maybe. I want to retire with the Red Stars, it’s close to my family. It’s a great city.”
“For sure.” Jacque answers but it’s not with the usual levity.
In the distance she can hear the laughs of their friends and the sizzle of the grill going but the gathering seems way too far away all at once. “Are you we going to talk around what’s really bothering you all night? Because those burgers smell
great so if we’re gonna do that at least let me eat first.”
Jacque exhales but paradoxically none of the tension is released from her body. “I sent out a few feelers, just to see what’s out there. Leslie and a few other people.”
“Okay.” There’s a pit in her stomach because it’s one thing to talk about moving on and into the next phase when it’s abstract and jokes about staging a coup on Rory. It’s a whole other animal that Jacque has actually been looking. Without telling her.
“I got a few bites.” Jacque takes a gulp of her drink. “Some interest from a few schools.”
“Wow, that’s--.” Bella stops herself because she doesn’t know what this is. It just is.
“Would you go with me?” Jacque blurts out before Bella can even stutter out a suitable ending to her thought.
The silence that follows is thick, suffocating. Jacque gets more and more stiff the longer she goes without a response and Bella opens and closes her mouth but nothing comes out.
That doesn’t mean the answer isn’t in her head. It’s just that it scares her.
Jacque tries to pull away because she’s obviously gotten the wrong idea, Bella grabs her by the front of her shirt, keeping her where she is. A little bit of wine sloshes over the top of the glass and spills onto the deck but she can’t be bothered with that.
“Yeah.” She pulls Jacque as close as she can get. “Yes.”
“Seriously?” Jacque intones like she can’t quite believe it was that easy and it makes Bella smile because maybe Jacque doesn’t know her as well as she thought she did.
“Seriously. Is that what you were getting all broody over?”
“Well, yeah.” Jacque mumbles.
“Such an idiot, I swear.” Bella mutters before pressing their lips together. It escalates quickly and they only break apart when Jacque breaks off with a yelp and clutches the back of her head.
She turns and looks at the ground, picking up a wine bottle cork. “Who threw this at me?”
Lexi and Quenby gleefully point at Sadie who shrugs like ‘what are you gonna do?’.
Jacque takes off to murder Sadie and Bella watches from her own private vantage point.
She adjusts her collar, resetting it after Jacque’s rustling. It’s then that she’s struck with the feeling, not for the first time in the last few months but the strongest it’s ever been.